Author's Notes

Sorry, Sakiya. This Cid cannot swear more. That's what Sid is for. You'll find out why, later…

This chapter is where all the action starts…

NOT THAT KIND OF ACTION!

Disclaimer: Who yo' Daddy? (sorry 8 Bit Theater)

"Sometimes I just cannot understand human behavior." Nanaki sighed at Cid. "Huh," he replied, "You tellin' me?" They both watched Vincent do the robot on the bar, singing "Domo Oregato, Mr. Roboto". The door slammed open, and a very angry Beatrix walked in with a silver dress on. "What the hell is he doing here?" she yelled at Nanaki. "Ah, hello, Mistress Beatrix."

Cid raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Back from your date already? Sooomebody didn't get lucky…" he teased. "…"

Beatrix glared at him. She glared for a whole five minutes, and the bar was totally silent. "Emm…" Cid interrupted, "You okay?"

"I'm deciding exactly how bad for business it would be to set you on fire." Beatrix replied calmly, still glaring at him. "Why don't you like me? I'm huggable, I'm cute, hell, I'm adorable. Plus, you'd have a better chance at getting la-" Cid said, cut off bythe pissed off Beatrix. "Don't like you? Don't like you?" A vein in her forehead looked about ready to explode in a mass of red redness. "Let me put it in words you can understand. It's not that I don't like you. I hate you. Hate with the power and intensity only a thousand Gods could manage to survive. I. Hate. You. Cid. You are the biggest idiot I've ever met."

"Oh c'mon, I can't be the biggest idiot…" Cid replied.

Vincent walked up, holding his mouth open. "Anyone know the best way to get splinters outta yer mouth?"

No one answered. He shrugged, jumped back on the bar and started to disco and sing. "What is that stupid freak doing?" Beatrix shouted angrily.

"Dum---Do---Da! Do---Do---Da! I'm a DANCIN' MACHINE!"

Cid sighed. "Too bad he won't remember this in the morning." Nanaki smiled wickedly. "Oh, perhaps I can…change that…"

The Next Morning…

Reno walked into Vincent's office. Vincent was not there yet, so he sat down and noticed something different about the room. Vincent entered, and suddenly, Reno realized what it was. "Hey, nifty coat rack! Where'd you get it?" Vincent stared at the coat rack in horror. 'But it was all just a dream, right?' he thought to himself as Reno began giving him his report.

EXIT FLASHBACK

"Grandpa, what's getting lucky?"

Cid sighed. "And this is why I $#$$in' saved the $$$$in' world? Okay, $$$#in' listen. This next $#$$in' story may be more your style. It's how I #$#$in' started to really $#$$in' save the world."

"But Grandpa-"

"It'll have swords, guns, action, and violence."

"RIGHT ON!"

"If this don't $#$$in' float yer $#$$in' stoopid boats, nuttin' #&#$in' will…ever."

ENTER FLASHBACK

Back at the Guild…

"Great job on the Materia Store case, Cid!" Blip praised his newest Guild member. "What are you talking about? I failed to keep the Black Materia to be stolen." Cid replied.

"Yeah, but the Skishies didn't get any of the stuff, that's all that matters."

"Actually, they got everything, and what they didn't, the Silvah Knight had protected."

"Well, you tried your best…"

"THE GLASS ISN'T HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL! YOU'RE BOTH JUST IDIOTS!" Shera yelled at the two.

Blip shrugged. "How about this. I'll get you a new quest sheet and you can get twice the points…"

"Can't." Cid replied. "Murk has stolen the Black Materia and is trying to use it to revive an evil, unstoppable deity. I need to stop him before he gets these other two materia. Plus my dry cleaning needs to be picked up."

"Oh, goody goody!." Blip said. "Well, you'll need partners, so I'll set up a tryout booth so you can find some worthy companions! Shera, entertain Cid while I'm gone." Cid grinned at Shera. "Yeah, entertain me."

Shera grinned back wickedly. "How about I cut your heart out with a spoon? That'd be pretty entertaining."

Silence.

Cid laughed. "Oh, heh, heh. Thought you were serious fer a second there…"

Shera pulled out a spoon and smiled. "I'll bet your heart tastes like chicken."

"Hey, Shera, I can't find any wood for the booth…" Blip shouted.

"Saved!" Cid shouted back. Blip came into the room. Shera sighed. "It's in the shed next to the outhouse."

"She's threatening me with a SPOON!" Cid shouted at Blip. "Make her stop!" Blip chuckled. "Ah, you kids." He walked away.

"Mmm… chicken…"

Cid whimpered.

"But the spoon is just the beginning. Today, a spoon. Tomorrow, a fork. The next day, a SPORK."

Shera advanced on Cid.

"Okey-dokey," Blip shouted from outside, "The stand is finished." He walked inside. "Really?" Cid pleaded.

"Yup."

WHISH!

Cid vanished through the door.

"Oooh… fast…"

Meanwhile, in the Forest of the Dragons…

Amarant and Zidane were pathfinding with no compass, no map, no food,nuttin'.

"…tell me again why we're here." Amarant inquired quietly.

"Beyond this forest lies theHole of No Return." Zidane replied casually.

"…and why do we want to go there?"

"Dude! Weren't you listening to the old man who tipped us off!"

"…enlighten me."

"Within the Cave of No Return…lies the Lance of Supreme Death!" Zidane narorrated dramatically.

"And why do we want that?"

"Freya told me that she'd get me a shiny nickel if I got it, but you had to come along."

"She just doesn't like us." He paused. "Wait…" Amarant stopped, and Zidane followed suit. "If it's a cave of no return, how does anyone know what's in it?"

"Well where else would you suggest they hide a mystical killer lance?"

"…from now on, I pick the adventures."

"Phooey!"

They continued to walk…

"Waaait…" Zidane said (who was leading), "This rock is shiny... It must have some important role in our quest…" Amarant drew out his Tiger Claws and leaped at Zidane. "ONWARDS!" Zidane shouted and moved forward, causing Amarant to fall on his face.

Many hours later…

"…we're lost." Amarant told Zidane.

"No we're not."

"…we've been walking around for three and a half miles. The Guide says the forest is only one mile wide in every direction."

"Sooo?"

"…how are you navigating?"

"About an hour ago I found these tracks. If we follow them, they'll lead us right out!"

"…what can you tell by these tracks?"

Zidane stopped and looked at the tracks for a while, thinking. "Well, they're two of them… they're about our height… our weight… one of them has a tail dragging along the ground as he walks… and the other one has really heavy combat boots…"

"These are our tracks, you monkey-brained bastard!"

"Bastard I may be, but clever is me." Zidane retaliated.

"No, you're a complete idiot."

"That hurt my man feelings…"

"You're a monkey."

"No I'm not!"

Amarant glared at him. "You've led us around in circles."

"Circles, huh?" Zidane replied.

"Alright, let's think."

"I like boobs…" Zidane said.

"…okay, I'll think."

Amarant turned and looked around. "We'll use that big, red, scaly rock over there as a starting point, and using a grid sy-" He heard a loud growl. "Zidane, it was your fault we're in this mess, so shut your stomach up."

"But… but it wasn't me…" Zidane replied.

Amarant looked up the big, red, scaly rock.

Amarant found a dragon.

Author's Notes

Yes, at request, Amarant is in this fic. Good thing, too. I didn't wanna make a new OC… sorry about the lame Thorn 'n' Zorn joke...