Author's Notes
Sorry I'm updating so slowly, guys… I feel ashamed.
But I bring other bad news.
Effective Saturday, I'll probably be updating even LESS (Good God, man! You BASTARD!)…meh…so sorry.
Queensryche helps me think…
So does Opeth…
Disclaimer: Sit down and drink your goddamn TEA!
End Author's Notes
Cid glared at Zidane. "Later." Zidane was broken apart. "But…but…the sign…"
"READ the goddamn FINE PRINT! It's freakin' MAIL ORDER!" Cid shouted. Blip's recent stupidity had started to edge him into swearing. He shoved a cigarette into his mouth and lit it. Zidane gasped. "How dare you speak such blasphemy without a lawyer!" He said. "Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo." Cid replied.
He had been extremely angry recently, and he didn't know why.
"Sooo… who else is signed up?" Zidane asked the pissed off Cid as they made their way to the Warrior's Guild. "Eh, some loser who calls himself 'the great and almighty destroyer of humans', or some shit like that." Cid replied. They entered the Guild. "And this drunk called Vincent."
"Ooh, sounds like a promising crew of able bodied men!" Zidane replied happily, trying to stay optimistic. "Able bodied my ass." Cid said. "YO! TIKI TUSH!" he shouted into the back room, "Git yer human slaughtering butt over here!"
A very short figure walked into the room. It had a black cloak, a black bowler hat, a black suit with a white tie and black gloves. It wore brown flip-flops. It popped a cigarette into its mouth. "Oi, bloke, give a man bleedin' break, wouldja?" he said in a thick British accent.
Zidane's eyes near about popped out of their sockets. He jumped into Cid's arms like they were in an old Scooby-Doo cartoon. "EEEIK!" he screamed, "It's a tonberry!"
The black clad British tonberry shrieked. "GOOD GOD, MAN, WHERE'S THE BLOO'Y FIEND!" He pulled out a handgun and looked around frantically. "I'll blow 'is &&in' 'ead off! 'Ere the 'ell is 'e?" He shouted at Zidane, who looked at Cid. "What'd he just say?"
The tonberry pulled back the hammer on his handgun. "'Ook, you 'alf-brained frog kissah, you bleedin' make funa my accent agin, 'n' Oi'll blow you're &&#&in' 'ead off!"
Zidane shut up.
"Zidane, this is Timmy. Timmy, this is Zidane." Cid introduced. "Oi, Cid, 'ere the 'ell'd you 'ick up 'is blighter?" Timmy asked. "What'd he say?" Zidane whispered, but Cid ignored him, and let go. Zidane fell to the floor with a thud. "So, where do we start?" he asked as he picked himself up and brushed himself off.
" 'Ere's a place 'alled the 'Orest o' the Ancients a ways from 'ere," Timmy responded. "'E've 'ot reports o' a 'ecial materia o'er 'ere. Summin' 'alled… wotsit, Cid? 'Elly? 'Olly? Moly? 'At 'as it…" he thought aloud. "Holy." Cid retorted. Timmy perked up. "'At's it, me laddie! 'Eave it tae ol' Cid 'ere to git 'er 'one!" He sucked on his cigarette.
Zidane smiled brightly. "So, when do we go?"
Cid and Timmy looked at each other, and started laughing.
"Why'd I have to ask?" Zidane thought aloud.
He was in a crate in a shipping barge to Costa del Sol. Timmy and Cid had killed the First and Second mates, stole their uniforms (which coincidentally fit Cid and Timmy) and were now up in the Crow's Nest smoking cigarettes and drinking tea, which Cid had just started drinking once Timmy introduced it to him.
They spent most of their time catching seagulls and making them poop on unsuspecting passerby's heads below. Actually, Cid had begun catching on to all his… colorful habits riiiiight about the time Timmy came…
Anyway, they landed at Costa del Sol, where a very good-looking, scantly clad pilot(ess) was waiting for them.
"You Cid Highwind?" she asked, looking him up and down in disgust. He had changed back into his grimy Guild uniform before they got there, and Timmy had changed back into his suit. The British tonberry was examining the woman closely behind large, Men In Black-type sunglasses, safe from her noticing his probing eyes.
" Well, well, well," 'e-I mean, he said, " 'O moight you be, pre'y la'y?"
"Isabel," she replied. "Anyway, you Cid?"
Cid smiled charmingly, and winked at her. He cleared his throat, and in a deeper, much sexier voice, asked, "Why yes I am, Isabel. Whatcha need me for?" she rolled her eyes. "You ordered an airship. Here's your receipt. Have a nice day." Isabel said in a bored tone before jumping into the sea. "Blimey, Cid, you bought a bleedin' airship?" Timmy exclaimed, dazed. "No. But I'll take it, anyway." He watched the chick jump into the sea, and just noticed she was barefoot, and had a cut on her foot. "Hope a shark attacks her, but only gets her shirt." He said, but she came out, the grey belly shirt was soaked with seawater, and clung to her.
Cid and Timmy looked at each other, and began chuckling nervously. They walked into town. "Oi, we forgettin' summin'?"
Later, all three were in the airship, checkin' out the shiny newness of all the new gizmos in the wicked cool new ship. Now if I wanted to be sued for copyright infringement, I'd throw in Marvin the Clinically Depressed Robot from Douglas Adams's proclaimed Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, but I don't. So sorry, no Marvin, people.
"Wotcher gonna name 'er, Cid?" Timmy asked, while Zidane was in the captains chair, spinnin' 'round 'n' 'round on it, singing sea shanty's.
Cid chucked him out of his chair by the collar, put his foot on the control panel, and his theme song began playing. "Dooooo, do do dooooooo, do do doooooooooo de doooooooo…. Dooooo, do do dooooooo, do do doooooooooo de duuuuum!" Dooed Zidane as he caught onto the tune. Timmy smacked him. "You're ruinin' the 'ole bloo'y drama, blighter!" he hissed, and Cid began.
"I… I name her… THE FREE ONE!"
Crickets.
"Well, it's true, right?"
"Why not name it after yourself?" Zidane suggested. "That's what I'd do. Except I'd get Vivi to cast a spell on it that every time I said 'Chimychunga' it'd come to me."
"That's it!" Cid shouted, "This airship is now known as the Highwind!"
"HUZZAH!" Zidane shouted, which was followed by Timmy smacking him. "To The Forest of the Ancients!" Cid shouted, and he revved up the engines.
The Mayor of Costa del Sol smashed a wine bottle along the hull of the Highwind when they began the countdown. "Toodles, Titanic! Don't make the same mistake twice!" he shouted after them.
"Erm, sir? That was the Highwind." The Mayor's secretary replied.
"Right. What'd I say?" the Mayor asked. He hiccuped.
"…sir, have you been drinking the ceremonial wine again?"
To make a long flight short, they made it to the Forest. We really, really don't want to get into detail. You do? Fine. You make a convincing argument like you make martinis. Shaken, not stirred.
Cid began dancing nekked down the halls, and Zidane giggled as he drove the plane while smoking a joint Bilbo Baggins gave him.
Frodo was sitting in the back with his ring, putting it on and taking it off, appearing and disappearing. "Ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off, ring goes on, ring goes off!" The crazy hobbit giggled manically. "HUZZAH!" Cid shouted, and fell into the toilet.
Bilbo staggered up to Timmy with a packet of Old Toby. "Bless me lil' 'obbit feet! It's Gollum! Git 'im, Frodo, my b…..o…y?" He collapsed on the floor.
Legolas and Neo were fighting to the death on the deck, Neo with a pole and Legolas with a Uruk-Hai cursed blade of something, something, something that starts with an "H", arguing about who was the better teenage heartthrob.
Hey, you wanted to know. Or did you? The Matrix has a very strange way of twisting things around…in our minds…
THERE IS NO SPOON, DAMMIT, NOW BEND!
Well, they landed in the Forest of the Ancients. However, someone was already in the Secret Tunnel You're Not Supposed to Know About Until Later….
"WHO DARES ENTER MY INNER SANCTUM?" a very evil sounding voice called out in the dark secretness of the Secret Tunnel. "Yo' mama!" Murk replied, pointing at the… thing that spoke to it.
"FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU DARE ENTER THE REALM OF THE EVIL ZANKARISHNEKEEO, THE DEVOURER OF SOULS? THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS?"
Murk crossed its arms and began dozing off.
"I HAVE EXISTED TO PROTECT THIS MATERIA BEFORE THE CETRA CAME! THOUSANDS OF MEN HAVE FOUGHT ME, AND ONLY ONE HAS ESCAPED! HE HAS ELUDED ME THUS FAR, BUT I WILL FIND HIM AND MAKE HIM PAY…"
Murk's head drooped.
"WHEN GODS SCREAM AT NIGHT, IT IS MY FACE THEY SEE!"
Murk began snoring.
"HEY, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"
Murk awoke. "Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, souls, 'n' worlds 'n' gods, 'n' stuff."
"OH. OKAY. JUST CHECKING. WELL THEN, WHERE WAS I? AW NUTS, WHO CARES? THE MOMENT'S GONE, NOW!" The owner of the voice roared. "THEN SPEAK, PUNY MORTAL! WHY HATH THOUEST ENTER… AW, SCREW IT. WHY TH' HELL YOU IN MY CRIB, B$$$?"
"My employer sent me to get a shiny, greenish, blueish, kinda… rock."
"DUNNO WHATCHA TAWLKIN' 'BOUT."
"Oh, you know! It's kinda… round. And it's called somethin' like… holly? Molly? Moly? Yoly?"
"OH, I SEE. KINDA LIKE ONEA THEM STONES IN THEM FREDERICK'S PANTIES WITH THE BLUE-GREEN SEQUIN-THINGIES IN 'EM?"
"Yeah! Yeah, that's the one."
"I GOT LOTSA 'EM. BUT DA ONE YOU LOOKIN' FO', THE HOLY MATERIA, AIN'T FO' NO ONE TO USE! IT'S FO' THE STO'Y TO ANUDDA GAME. SOME FINAL FANTASY SH&T."
Murk drew a dagger. "Who said I was asking?"
Meanwhile…
Our three heroes are walking in the forest, and Zidane is singing "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and Cid and Timmy are talking about who'd they'd like to screw when they get back to Kalm.
They stopped, and Zidane tripped over Timmy. "Watch it, kiddo!" the tonberry hollered, as the monkey-thief landed next to a hole.
ENTERING THE REALMS OF ZIDANE'S MIND…
Zidane pictures himself next to a huge chest of gold and women with… expanded chestial regions.
EXITING THE REALMS OF ZIDANE'S MIND…
"Yeah, buddy!" he shouted, and rolled into the hole.
"Zidane! You goddamn monkey!" Cid shouted, and jumped down in the hole with him. "No! Cid, jus' 'eave the bloke be! Aw, dammit!" Timmy screeched, and jumped with them.
They poked their heads through another hole, and saw a hole next to them. Zidane was already halfway in. "C'mon, guys! Wenches await us!" he shouted, and fell through the hole. The two sane (?) people followed him aaaand…
…they landed in a pile of bones.
Back with Murk…
A huge snake slithered before Murk. This was the… thing it spoke to earlier. "Okay, snake, let's tussel."
The giant snake just swallowed Murk in one gulp. "LOSER."The snake muttered.
"You forget the most important lesson of swallowing hitmen whole." Murk slit the snake open. "I may contain small pieces that are hazardous if swallowed!" Murk turned to see surprise on the snake's face, but it was dead before it heard the cloaked figure.
"Dammit, why do I put so much effort into being witty when no one's around to hear me!"