Author's Notes

THAT IS RIGHT. I, GREAT AND MIGHTY ME HAS UPDATED.

KNEEL. QUIVER IN FEAR FROM MY AWESOME AND HORRIFYING HORROR. MWA.

Disclaimer: …

End Author's Notes

Cid and Co. walked down the dank dungeon. "I'm bored." Zidane announced. "So far this dungeon has no wenches, no cash, and no rubber duckies. I was really hoping for the rubber duckies!" the thief whined, and plopped down on the floor.

"Then you should have bleedin' though' abou' 'at afore ye bleedin' jump'd through' the god farsaken hole, fer Christ's sake!" Timmy yelled at Zidane, throwing a rock at him.

They continued walking.

And kept walking.

…yep, still walkin'.

Aaaaaand… now they stop. Zidane's jaw dropped, Timmy nearly choked on his cigarette, and Cid dropped his Etch-A-Sketch. They had entered a huge dome-shaped room with vines engulfing the walls, crumbling brick surrounded the trio, and a circular stain glass window hung above them. In the center of the room, a small pedestal stood. It had a glass dome with black spikes and vines covering it. Within the ominous looking glass dome, there sat a large, blue orb of materia.

"I've found this place, braved the dungeons, solved the puzzles, defeated the Squeak Toys from Hell, vanquished the Guardian, and I even took the time to clean my cloak!" Murk said to himself. "Time to get what I came for."

Cid flung his lance out. "What the hell are you doing here!" he shouted at the cloaked figure. "ME? What about you! It took me ages to find this place, fight through the dungeon, find the right chamber, kill the snake guardian, and clean my cloak! This is freakin' SILK! Do you realize how hard it is to clean snake guardian blood and guts off of a silk cloak?" Murk retaliated angrily. "How did you find this forest, anyhow! It's hidden from any and everyone and is practically impossible to get to if you find it! How did you find it, dammit!"

Zidane blushed. "Well, you see, in order to throw off the FBI, I go to a non-porn website every couple of days…" Murk's hands clenched. "IT WAS POSTED ON THE INTERNET!" the cloaked figure hollered. "Yea, at dubya dubya dubya do' howtofindtheholymateria do' com." Timmy explained and shrugged.

"Cid, you are the last person I would have expected to see here, but it makes no difference in the end…" Murk drew a saber. "PREPARE FOR BATTLE!"

"Wait! My companions are $$#$in' morons! Have pity!"

"Sounds like your problem, not mine. I've waited sooooo long for this moment!"

Cid raised an eyebrow. "We just met two nights ago."

"Doesn't matter." Murk replied quickly.

"Who are you, anyway?" Zidane piped in.

"If I wanted to advertise that, I wouldn't have worn the cloak! Now shut up and mind your own business!" the cloaked Murk snapped. "Since I'll enjoy your death so much, I'll have to give my employer a discount!"

"Employ'rs? Y'mean ye ain't troin' tae resurrect a damned God?" Timmy asked, scratching his head.

"Ha! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" Murk scoffed.

"But Vincent said-"

"Ha, ha, ha! Vincent? That love-sick freak couldn't put a two piece jigsaw puzzle together, much less track my doings!"

Meanwhile…

Vincent sat drunk in one of the booths of Kalm's bar, twenty three and a half bottles of empty booze and a two piece jigsaw puzzle lay in front of him. "Are there supposed to be pieces left when I'm done?"

Shera and Blip walked forward to Nanaki, who was still managing the bar. "We're looking for a Vincent Valentine. We were told he'd be here." Shera stated. The…thing pointed at Vincent's booth. "That's him? Thank you." Blip replied, and the duo made their way to Valentine.

"Hello, Mr. Vincent? We are in need of services that we were told you could give us." Blip began. "Who do you want killed?" Vincent asked cheerfully. "Uh… nobody. You see, we have…accidentally sent one of our Guildmasters to their untimely and painful death and we want to rescue him. We've been told that you are the only on who's escaped the Forest of the Ancients alive."

"Please!" Shera added desperately, "His life rests in your hands! Hey, that's a cool sailboat!" Shera pointed at the puzzle.

"Sailboat?" Vincent shook his head. "Anyway, so you need my help to navigate through the Forest of the Ancients and rescue your friend?" Blip and Shera nodded together. "Wait, which Forest of the Ancients are we talking about? The one from Final Fantasy VII or the one from Duck Tales: A Game Not Invented?"

Shera turned to Blip. "Um, Final Fantasy VII, I think, why?"

Vincent coughed. "I escaped from the Duck Tales one. Sorry, can't help."

Shera moaned. "Now Cid's gonna die a horrible and agonizing death!"

Vincent's eye lit up. "Cid you say? Then of course I can help!"

Back to the Forest…

"So if you aren't stealing magical artifacts for yourself, then what are you stealing for?" Cid asked Murk. "Money, of course! I want it and I don't have it. My employer pays well for people who do a good job. I don't know what these people do with all the stuff I bring them, but quite frankly, I honestly don't care. It's most obviously for evil purposes, 'cause these people don't seem like the type to be using this stuff to restore their hair." Murk replied happily. "But enough about me. You death can be slow or quick, but either way, it's gonna be painful. Man, would I hate to be in your guy's shoes!"

Zidane squealed in joy. Why, you ask? Look behind Murk. "Behind you!" the thief cried, pointing behind Murk. "Oh yeah right, I'm gonna fall f- SWEET JESUS WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"

"It's Snot!" Zidane replied happily.

"Well I can see that, but what's it doing he-" Murk was cut off, as Snot had grown to his "feedin' size" and was about to pounce on the unfortunate cloaked person. "I'm coming!" Cid shouted, jumping over the pedestal, knocking over the glass dome which shattered on the ground, and pushed Murk out of the way of Snot's wrath. Instead of eating the black-garbed Murk, it landed on the blue materia.

Cid's hand was still on Murk's chest. "You-you saved my life." The hooded person said to him. "Yeah, I do that kinda crap sometimes. Still don't $#$&in' know why. Look, we got a bigger problem, kno-"

Squeeze. Squeeze.

"You're… you're… you're a girl." He said, staring at the shadowed face under Murk's hood. Cid squeezed her boob again, and giggled. He looked at two red pinpoints of light under her hood, then jumped away. "I fail to see the relevance." Murk replied, arms crossed, eyes burning red in anger.

With the red hot fiery hotness of a thousand supernovas combined with the fury of a thousand suns…

Don't ask why I put that in italics. You wouldn't understand…

"Why did you save my life?" Murk shouted, pointing at Cid.

"Why are you a girl?" Cid shouted back, pointing at Murk.

Snot closed his eyes, and the blue materia glowed faintly.

"Well when a man and a woman love each other very much-" Murk began.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

Snot's eyes disappeared, and he began swelling up. Zidane stared at it in shock, and pointed at it speechlessly.

"That's what you asked, you stupid- oh shit." Murk pointed at the growing slime.

Cid sighed. "What?" he turned. "CHRIST! HOLY $#$&!"

Snot had now crushed the pedestal under its weight, and it had become bigger than Palmer.

"It's not supposed to do that, right?" Zidane asked nervously. "How big will it get?" Murk started backing up. "When you find out, let me know. I've gotta go… do… stuff."

Cid shook his head. "Uh-uh. I ain't $$in' lettin' you go 'till we get this solved. He won't stop growing!"

"We'll have to cut him up into small pieces and get the materia back." Murk replied. "No! You can't do that! It's not his fault Holy looked yummy! Besides, he's probably trying not to go to Hell! You wouldn't send a poor, cute, green, snot-like slime to Hell, would you?" Zidane yelled as he and Timmy ran to the other side of the room with Cid and Murk. "He tried to eat me. The snot must die." She replied. "Besides, we have a situation here. If we don't stop his growth, who knows what he'll do? The town is in danger."

A green tentacle seeped out of Snot behind Murk and made its way towards the black-clad woman.

"That thing is dangerous, and must be destroyed. Besides, that's my materia, and I want it back. I saw it first." Murk replied. "And I did everything I was supposed to in order to actually get here, not just fall through a hole casing after a stupid monkey-man!"

"Why you little-!" Zidane roared and attempted launched himself at Murk, but was restrained by Timmy. "Le' the bi' go, boodah, eh. We'll get 'er ne' 'ime, eh?" Cid stared at Timmy. "Why are you talking in a Canadian accent?"

At this point, Snot had grabbed Murk and pulled her into his giant mass of green-ness. "Oh come on, man!" Zidane hollered, "He was this close to convincing her!"

"Give back the man-girl and nobody gets hurt!" Cid roared angrily and whacked Snot with his javelin. It made a sickening squish sound as it hit, and, with a mighty fight from Cid's end involving Timmy, pong, and Zidane, the weapon was sucked into the mass of slimy, green snot-like stuff. "Okay, I don't have Elena with me, so I can't fight the slime." He smiled wickedly. "Who needs sticks and stones when you've got a whole lotta bones?"

The trio began throwing the bones that the guardian left over from its victims at Snot. They just stuck into the green mass of goo.

"Alri', sno' beast! No' ye've gott'n me REALLY $#$$in' pissed!" Timmy replied, pulling out his guns.

Snot grew.

"Stay away from me, I'm warning you, I taste like monkey!" Zidane cautioned, putting his hands in front of him like a shield.

Snot grew more.

"We still got a few $#$$in' bones left, you giant gelatinous mound of goo! Stay back!" Cid hollered, picking up another bone.

A rope fell from a hole in the ceiling. "Guys, quick, up here!"

Cid pulled himself up the rope, and saw Vincent, Blip, and Shera. "Damn, I never thought I'd be glad to see you three!"

"Remember that when you get the bill." Vincent replied.

Zidane climbed out, followed by the suited Tonberry. The thief began pushing a rock over the hole of the pit. "Don't just stand there, help me!" he grunted to Vincent. "How 'bout I just stand here?" he replied. The rock made it to the hole. "That won't hold it for long." Cid stated. "How do we get out of here?"

"Sure, well there is that sign a couple feet behind you." Vincent said dryly.

THIS WAY TO KLAM.

"…what's a klam?"

BACK AT KLAM… I MEAN KALM…

"…so the slime swallowed the materia and is now growing at an uncontrollable rate and could threaten the entire world?" Vincent said when they were back at the Guild and Cid had explained everything. Timmy was in the back beating the crap out of poor Zidane for being an idiot.

"That's it in a nutshell." Cid replied. "…and why do you want to get inside of it?" Vincent asked.

"That materia is buried under thousands of tons of mucus. I have to get it."

"But Cid, that's horrible! You'll be digested alive, and if you survive that, you'll suffocate!" Shera cried sympathetically.

"I think I know someone who can get me there safely." Cid answered. "He means me, of course." Vincent retorted proudly.

"Like hell I do!"