Author's Notes

Maybe I'm back to posting often?

…Probably not.

'Nother long post for Sakiya! Welcome back!

We mourn the death of Squidi.

Disclaimer: For Christ's sake! If you don't get it yet, you never will! Sue me, and… I'll… do something. But it'll hurt! I swear! …maybe it won't… (apologies to AMD)

End Author's Notes

"Professor Gast! Open up! It's Cid!" The door to Professor Gast's little home in the outskirts of Midgar was pounding while Cid knocked on it vigorously. "Cid! It's been a long time! Come in!" The Professor called as he dashed to the door and unlocked all forty-three locks, bolts, and huge wooden planks across it. Vincent and Cid burst in through the opened door, Vincent with a gun out, and Cid with Elena. Gast had been thrown across the room, and as he got up and began brushing himself off, Cid said, "Time's of the #$in' essence, or some $#&& like that, so no time fer small talk! A glob of misdirected snot accidentally swallowed a super powerful materia and is blowin' up like a swellin' wart. If we don't stop it soon, it threatens to $#$$ us all over, so we need to get to the goddamn center to git the materia afore it gits to Kalm and digests us. It's already halfway here!"

Gast nodded calmly. "Sure, no problem. I've got something like that in the back." He made his way towards a door near the back. "Would you like some quiche?"

Vincent gaped. Cid smiled.

Gast returned with an old-fashioned diving suit. "Gentlemen, I present to you the Guzzle-Master 2300, the greatest diving mechanism since the witch-tester!"

"I liked the witch-tester…" Vincent muttered to himself.

"Hey, what's that tube sticking outta the top?" Cid asked the Professor. "Oh, that's the breathing tube. This suit is coated with a defensive extract that will disband the emulsions of the slime's liquescive fluids, thereby protecting the said entity within it from dissolving."

"….meaning?"

"You won't be eaten by giant snotballs in here."

"Ah. Where'd the extract come from?"

"You don't wanna know. Trust me on this one, Cid." Gast smiled. "Yup, with the right amount of tubing, this baby can go anywhere that you normally couldn't."

"Like the women's locker room?" Vincent asked hopefully.

"No. I'm working on an Inviso-Ring to do that. Some guy called Sauron sent spies to steal the blueprints, and now he's gotten his own patent for it with some modifications…" Gast replied with a sigh.

"Like what?" Cid replied.

"Oh, it's got a security field that summons some guys in black cloaks to stick you with knifes that 'burn with the fires of a thousand evils' or some crap like that."

"That's too bad…"

"Tell me 'bout it."

"Anyway, Professor, this is perfect! Are you sure you don't need it for anything else?"

"Oh yes." Gast replied, and opened the glass in the front. "I've been using it as a trashcan." A couple of paper balls fell out as he tossed a match inside of the suit. "Just need to empty it."

Couple hours later…

Vincent entered the home yet again, carrying a six-pack of Spiked Dr. Pepper with Kumquat (now illegal everywhere except Amsterdam. Leave it to the Man to get rid of all that is good.) with him. "Where'd Cid go?" He asked Gast. "Oh, he's getting the suit on."

"Oh. That's nice. So, uh, you're an, uh, inventor, huh?"

"Yup. Kind of. I work for ShinRa on a number of things, but I do invent things as well."

"So, uh, what kind of stuff do you invent?"

"What do you need?"

"Nothing, nothing. Just asking in curiosity."

"Oh, this and that. I could make anything you need."

"So… uh… could you make a… I dunno, a tropical… crème… for, mmm… butt acne?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"It's for a friend name Heideggar, I SWEAR!"

"Sure it is."

Couple minutes later…

Cid walked into the room in the suit with the tube trailing behind him.

"So how's it fit? A little tight in the crotch?"

Cid's eyes bulged.

"What's that? It IS tight in the crotch?"

Cid looked like he was gagging.

"No… something else… well what is it, Cid? Spit it out!"

Cid pointed behind him at the tube a couple feet away.

"Oh. That." Gast walked to where Vincent was drinking a bottle of Spiked Dr. Pepper with Kumquat. "Vincent, as enjoyable as it may be, please refrain from standing on Cid's air tube." Vincent looked down at where he was standing with his bottle still in his mouth, and quickly jumped off.

"My bad, man."

Little while later…

"…and if you don't follow that rule, Cid, you'll suffocate and most likely implode into a thousand bloody pieces. Did you get all that?"

No response.

"…"

Nothing.

"…Cid?"

Cid came from behind the Professor. "Who're you talking to, Gast? You aren't talking to that empty suit, are you? Had to get outta the damn thing to go to the bathroom." Gast clapped his hands together. "Ah-ha! Knew I forgot something!"

"So, what were you saying?"

"Oh, damn, I forgot. Probably not important, anyway."

Cid got back into the suit. "Okay, this isn't going to be easy, Cid. You're not going to have enough air to explore the entire slime. I estimate you'll have at most twenty minutes to get where you need to go, so aim for the center. That's most likely where Holy is. If the rock Zidane put on the hole stalled the slime's growth at all, then we may just have the time we need!" Gast told Cid.

"Eeeh… guys… we might have a problem…" Vincent called from the door.

"What? Has the slime grown again?"

"Erm… just a little." He replied as green… stuff oozed through the cracks around the doors and windows.

Meanwhile, at the Skishies HQ…

A minion walked forth to Tooey, who was playing Yahtzee with Sid, and saluted sharply. "Sir-" Tooey jumped happily. "Fwee! That's another win for me, Sid! Now gimme that shiny nickel!"

"-I think there's something you'd like to see."

The clueless gang leader whirled around to see the minion. "Sweet fwee of fwaa! Show me!"

The minion took him and Sid to the balcony of their huge castle, and pointed the Forest of the Ancients (which used to be right next to Kalm, Costa Del Sol used to just have a ferry between it an Junon. You see, it was a pangea kinda thing, and everything was extremely close befo- you almost made me give away the story, lil' bugger!), where sprouting from it, a giant green blob grew. Above it, a murder of crows flew north.

"Sweet, merciful, God of Fwee! You're right! Those birds are flying out of season!" Tooey cried. His new favorite word was fwee. "Um… sire, I'm sure those birds are flying out of season, but I was referring to the expansive gelatinous mound of goo."

Tooey shrugged. "Giant goo. What about it?"

"Uuuh… what're we gonna do about it?"

Tooey sighed. "Minion, how long have you been with the Skishies?"

"'Bout four months, sir."

"By now, you should know that we don't solve problems, we create them. What do you think we're gonna do about the slime?"

The minion thought for a moment. "Um… party?" Tooey smiled. "Now guess who's bringing the chips!"

Back with Gast…

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Vincent shouted at the top of his lungs, his Dr. Pepper (not endorsed by Dr. Pepper in any way. Just love 'em to death.) crashing to the floor. "Nah. We'll be fine. I built this house myself, you know." The professor put his hand around his chin thoughtfully. "Four times, now, I think…" Gast shrugged. "No, this place is as sturdy as they get. It's everyone else I'm worried about…."

In the Warrior's Guild…

Blip was attempting to get outside while green gel was seeping through the cracks around the building while in a heated debate with Shera. "No, you open that door, and you kill us all!" The receptionist bellowed at the Guildmaster.

"But I need to send this letter-"

"IT CAN WAIT!"

Back with Gast…

"Okay, no problem, just because you have an extra three miles to hike to the center…" Gast began. "Oh… geez... you are so screwed."

"Mmmrph mrph, mmmph mmmmm!" Cid replied angrily.

"What'd he say?" The professor asked Vincent. "Ha, I just so happen to know drunken gibberish, which is a dialect of muffled gibberish. He said: 'We're all bread and headed to bell, anyway, so he'd be better chunkin' off baking his lances. Besides, he has a land."

"MMMPH!"

"Sorry, he has a plan…. Same difference."

"Mmmm mmmrph, mrm mrrrphm mrph mphm."

"He said he'd be able to use pear sprockets. What the hell's a sprocket?"

Gast clapped his hands as his face lit up happily. "Of course! Air pockets! Why didn't I think of that?"

"That's not what I said…"

"With the slime destroying everything, there are bound to be large pockets of air floating about! If I could create a portable air container for Cid, then he could refill it as he found them!"

"Wait," Vincent said slowly, "if you don't need the tube, can I have it?"

"Why?"

"So I can siphon beer from the bar without ever leaving the comfort of my home!"

"In that case, no." Gast paused for a moment. "Hmm, actually, Vincent's siphoning comment just sparked inspiration!"

"Then can I have the tube?"

Gast ignored him. "If I were to compress the air… yes… this is good stuff… I'll be right back."

FIVE MINUTES LATER…

"Gentlemen, I present to you the Air Thingy 9163!" Gast announced as he showed Vincent and Cid a portable air tank.

"Wow, that was fast!"

"Well," the prof. confessed, "I did cut some corners to make it in time, but it should work… in theory."

Vincent turned to Cid, pointed and chuckled. "Sucks to be you!" Cid looked horrified.

"Just be sure not to break the nozzles off this thing. I'm not certain, but there is a very big chance that something bad might happen. There's compressed air in these things to help the breathing apparatus. Should a tank be ruptured in any way, it will likely explode. Now in theory, breaking off a nozzle should just spurt out a steady stream of air at a very fast, uncontrollable rate. However, I was rushing, so I wouldn't bet on the integrity of these things. Knocking the valves off might make it explode, too." Gast explained. "In short, do not kick, pound, cuddle, lick, or threaten them with sharp pointy sticks. We just want to be safe, here."

The professor hooked up the tanks. "There. All set." Vincent walked up to the funny clothed Cid and said, "Don't you make me die in this dump."

"Mrrphm mrph, mpphmum ummph mrph mrph mrphm mrph."

"He said 'It's a bar, bar, wetter thing that I glue as I have never glued before.' Freak."

Gast sighed. "More truer last words were never spoken…"

Cid was absorbed with green as they opened the door and watched him take off.

'Green, $$$in' green is all I can #$in' see. I could keep &#$$in' walkin' like this for months!' Our hero thought, 'I need to $#$$in' figure out how to navigate, I can't see shit fer shotglasses in this mess. Hey, there's a door. Wonder how far I've gotten…'

Cid opened the door, and he fell into the Warriors Guild, where Blip screamed: "Good God! It's a monster! Somebody kill it!"

Cid almost had a heart attack as the fat Guildmaster screamed like a little girl. He took off his helmet and smiled cheerfully. "Just yer #$$$in' Savior, Cid, here!"

"Cid!" Shera squealed happily. She jumped over the counter and over towards Cid. "Cid, there's something I need to tell you-"

"Shera, can it #$$$in' wait? I'm kinda trying to save everyone's life, here."

"That's just it, I may never get another chance to tell you! Cid, I lo-"

SLAM!

The door slammed shut as Blip walked back into the Guild, covered in gelatinous green stuff. "See, I told you it wouldn't kill me to mail my letter. Now the bills will be paid. ON TIME. Who's Lil' Miss Smarty Pants now?"

Cid cocked his head to one side. "Wait, why aren't you dead? I thought for sure you'd be digested by the #$$$in' enzymes! I'm soooo #$$$in' disappointed, now!"

Blip scoffed at his question. "Psssh! Have you seen the size of it? It's all… diluted. It would take hours of exposure to singe your hair! Besides, thanks to my years of constant battle, my skin has become a rock-hard substance that no mere pathetic enzyme can… you know, actually, my skin does feel a little tingly… I'd better go clean off before- whoops! My pants are dissolving." Pulling up his britches, the Guildmaster ran off into his room.

"Cid, about that thing-"

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK!

"It'll have to wait, Shera. That slime's pissed, and I have a town to save."

He nobly replaced his helmet, his theme song playing heroically in the background. Blip came back with new pants and a compass. "Okay, Cid, here's a compass," he handed Cid the device as he made his way out. "the Forest of the Ancients is to the west. Don't do anything I'd do, and have fun!"

"Cid, WAIT!" Shera cried.

But it was too late. Cid was gone in the thick green snot-slime. "I… like… you." She said to no one in particular. "Yeah, I like him, too. He's a swell guy." Blip replied.

"Tell me, how'd you ever become Guildmaster?"

Blip shrugged. "Everyone else died?"

"How'd you like to be next?"

"Eeep!"