AUTHOR'S NOTES

Do I look fat in this?

Anyway, about the whole Grandpa Cid thing…

As much as I love Grandpappy Cranky, he won't come in until a lil' later…

But he will come back in. And he will be senile.

Wanna know what's gotten me to update now? The comment: "I almost forgot about this fic. ALMOST." But once school starts, I can promise nuttin', guys.

Homework's a cruel bitch.

One of you reviewers are making me nervous. It's not a good thing for me to be nervous. You know who you are. Back off.

This one's dedicated to all you wunnerful, wunnerful reviewers. I love you all. Unless one of you's a guy. Then... that person is... a very nice... perosn.

Yeah...

Disclaimer: …to fwee, or not to fwee, that is the fwoo.

END OF AUTHOR'S NOTES

'What the #$$$? This compass ain't worth jack at findin' SHIT!' Cid thought to himself. 'I got a better way of findin' where the mother#$$$ I am.'

Cid floated up the slime (ew.) until he reached the top of the monstrous bubble. "Hell, I can see my house from here… or… at least what's left of it. Damn, glad I've got State Farm Insurance."

Meanwhile, at State Farm…

"Ha! Those suckers never looked for a killer ball of slime destroying their homes in their insurance plan! Suckers!"

Back with Cid…

A murder of crows flew a little above Cid's head. "Shit! Those are some low flyin' birds… they're out of season, too!" He turned around, and was hit in the face by a crow. "Crap! It's #$$$in' dangerous out here!" The man dove back into the green mass and sighed in relief. "#$in' safer, down here…"

"RWOOOOOOAR!"

"What the $$'s that sound? Maybe getting' so grotesquely large's bringin' PAIN to the lil' dude."

"RWOOOOOOOOAR!"

"Or… indigestion. Lemme think, if I were a giant slime devourin' every #$$#in' thing in my path, what would give me indi-#$$$in'-gestion…" Cid shook his head. "Ninjas."

At the Thieves Guild…

A line of ninjas were waiting to run out of the door of their Guild.

"Um, sir," One of the ninjas confronted Mervin (remember him?), "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"There's not a problem in the world that can't be solved by throwing a bunch of ninjas at it." Mervin replied, as the sounds of "I'm melting!" rang in the background.

Back with Cid…

'Green, green, everywhere, and not a drop to drink. What I wouldn't give right now for a familiar face… well rub my balls 'n' make me a milkshake!' Cid thought as he came across a very familiar sight.

"Elena! You're alive!" Cid cried, then noticed what it was wedged into. "…and you've killed Escape Dummy." He removed Elena from Escape Dummy, and continued on.

He kept trekking on until he came across a giant, translucent bubble. "Hell yeah, that's what I call an air bubble!" Cid entered the massive sphere, but was sorry he did.

"Well it's about time someone came to rescue me!"

Murk stood a couple of feet away from a pillar of goo that had, incased inside it, Holy.

"Well, who do I owe the thanks of rescu-" Murk began as Cid took off his helmet. "Oh. It's you."

"Heeey, that's not very nice! I'm here to rescue the materia, not you! I thought you'd be digested by now!"

"Elfin cloak. Lighter than a feather, stronger than steel. Not even a ten thousand pound booger can't mess with Elfin ingenuity. I held my breath until I found this bubble. What's your plan to get us out of here, smartass?"

Cid chuckled. "Heh, heh, y'know, I didn't think of one. I didn't think I'd get this far. Silly me, huh?"

"So how big's this slime getting?"

"Getting' #$$$in' bigger 'n' bigger. It's eaten half the goddamn town!"

"Holy $$ing shitcrap! My-er-the bar! Dammit! This is all your fault!"

"My #$ing fault! The bar is on the west side of town, anyway. The giant booger's only gotten the #$in' east side. And it is SO not my fault!"

"If you hadn't push me out of the way and saved my life, the slime would've eaten me instead of Holy!"

Cid pointed angrily at Murk, mouth open to argue, then his face of anger turned into shock. "…got me there. Well, is that Holy? Why haven't you #$$#in' taken it out and left?"

"And go where? I'm STUCK here! I would've left if I could've!"

"But you could've ended all this by taking Holy out of that pulsating nasty thing."

"Are you out of your mind! A magic that powerful isn't going to be separated that easily. It could do nothing. Or, it could cause an explosion that could end all life itself. That's just a risk I'm not willing to take!"

Cid smiled and pulled out Elena. "I am."

Cid stuck Elena into the pulsating nasty thing, and tried to pull Holy towards him. "I really don't think this is a good idea…"

"Shut the hell up. I've almost got it."

Cid finally pulled Holy out of the green column, and showed it to Murk. "See? #$$$in' told you."

RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE!

"Put it back! Put it back!"

"Well duh!" Cid quickly popped the blue orb back into the pulsating pillar.

RUMBLE, RUMBLE!

"What the #$$$ gives! I put the goddamn thing back!"

"Too late! The magic tether's been cut!"

RUMBLE!

"This place is going to explode! Soon!" Murk continued.

"No shit, Sherlock! Wait… that gives me an idea!"

"What? No shit?"

"No!"

"Sherlock?"

"No! The explosion thingy. Take off your cloak."

"Get bent, pervert."

"Look, we need to get out of here, and I need that cloak!"

"It'll take more than imminent death for me to give up my secret identity to you!"

RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE!

"Here, I have another idea…"

Moments later…

"Are you done yet?"

Cid had his back to Murk, and he turned around.

"You laugh, you die." Murk said. She was dressed in the diving suit, and Cid was in his knickers. (insert wolf whistle here)

Cid nodded, and got behind Murk.

"What're you doing back there?" She asked.

"You don't wanna know." Cid replied.

"What's this plan of yours?"

"You don't wanna know."

Murk turned. "Why? I mean, what could be worse than being smothered by a fifty-ton snot-ball?"

"Well," Cid began, "there could be a device on yer back that'll go off 'n' send yer bloody body parts to different ends of the goddamn earth."

"Yeah, but what're the chances of that?"

"You don't wanna know."

Cid tied himself to Murk. "Can't you tie yourself to someone else?"

RUMBLE!

"Argh! Great shitcakes of fire! It's startin' an' I'm not ready!" Cid shouted over the bellowing of the exploding slime.

The conduit in the air bubble glowed brightly as Holy made the slime tremble and…

"I think it's time to go."

RUMBLE, RUMBLE, RUMBLE!

POP!

Cid and Murk soared through the slime and into the air as our hero threatened the air tank on the mercenary's back.

Meanwhile, in the town…

A small group of townspeople stood in front of the gigantic slime, staring at it in awe as it quivered and threatened to explode.

"Fear not, helpless and feeble citizens!"

The group turned, and a little boy pointed at the figure that spoke. "Look, it's the Silvah Knight!"

"Pointing is impolite, citizen." The pink-clad defender of good replied, pointing at the boy. "I shall slay the beast with my loyal and noble sword tempered in righteousness!" He lunged at the giant green blob, and poked it with his red sword.

Bloop.

At this time, the slime exploded because the magical tether between it and Holy had been officially severed.

Back with Cid…

"Uh-oh," Murk began, "we're slowing down!"

"We're runnin' outta #$$$in' air pressure! Brace yer #$#$in' self!"

The duo began their freefall to back to earth. At this point, one can only remember the part in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy where the missile gets turned into a sperm whale.

"Pull the goddamn sting on the backpack!" Cid hollered at the suited woman, who was screaming her head off. She did, and Murk's cloak puffed out like a parachute.

Murk was shocked. Cid was pleased.

"How'd you think of this?" She asked the man hanging below her on his rope. "Light as a feather, stronger than steel. Can't beat Elvin ingenuity." Cid replied to her.

Meanwhile, at Skishies HQ…

The party was at its peak. Everyone was wearing masks and hats, and were having a genuinely good time. Sid was wearing a Groucho Marx mask. Tooey was wearing an eyepatch.

"Sir, something is happening to the slime!"

Then the slime exploded.

Tooey sighed. Green goo was everywhere. "Every time I try to throw a party… okay, clean up, people. I'm going to eat the last of the Doritos."

And hence the scrubbing began. It was a heroic scrubbing, and many a valiant minion died attempting to scrub the green off of the donkey for "Pin the Tail on the Donkey".

"Sir, there's something shiny in the punch!" the minion from earlier called out to Tooey.

"Minion, since you are new here, I'm going to let this slacking slide- did you say shiny!"

Tooey rushed forward and collected the blue orb in the punch. Tooey had Holy.

"This will go great in my collection of shiny things!"

"Shouldn't we report it to Tookie-Tookie?"

"But it's shiny!"

Back with Cid…

"Christ, I can't #$$$ing WAIT to get back on the ground!" Cid muttered to himself as they glided to earth. "Heh, funny you should say that…" Murk replied as she took a dagger out of her pocket. "'Cause this is where you get off!" The non-magical tether between Cid and imminent death had been severed.

Our hero plummeted to earth, screaming as he went. Then he hit a duck, flipped, and was now falling head-first to the ground. "What're the odds?"

Sploot!

Cid landed in the hole where they had first found Holy, where the slime was still takin up all of the space. It made for a very slimy, sticky landing.

EXIT FLASHBACK

"So that's how you saved the world the first time?"

THWACK!

"I saved the mother#$$$in' town! T-O-W-N! Town. Bitch." Grandpa Cranky- WHACK- I mean Cid shouted at his good-for-nothing grandson. "I didn't even get #$in' credit for it. #$$$#ers. They all thought the Silvah Knight had gotten rid of Snot."

The decrepit Grandfather sighed. "Not even Vinnie the #$$$tard believed my story. Hearin' that Murk was a bitch seemed to offend his sissy sensibilities. Anyway, I wanted to give Snot a proper burial, so Gast 'n' I gather some remains 'n' put 'em in a beaker.

My house was eaten, but Blip the dumbass happened to have a spare room in the Guild for me."

ENTER FLASHBACK

"All I get is a trashcan?"

"That's your toilet."

"This room is completely unlivable!" Cid shouted at Blip.

"Oh, I don't know about that. A dab of paint, remove the rusty nails, couple throw pillows, could be a pretty nice place."

Cid crossed his arms. "Uh-uh. I'd be more comfortable livin' inna grue infested cave!"

Blip sighed. "Ah, those were the days."

…

"So, uh, throw pillows, huh?"