Author's Notes:

Ah, yes, it's good to be back. Mind you, this update does not signify the beginning of a new stream of more updates; it's just my way of saying:

Happy Birthday, Lace. Just in case my other present sucked, here's this backup. Love you!

Disclaimer: Wow. If this isn't redundant by now, then I have no idea what is.

End Author's Notes

Remember when…

We last left our heroes at Cid's new house… thing, a tiny storage room that Blip gave him in exchange for being his general self… and the fact that his house was eaten alive by an enormous slimeball named Snot.

BACK TO THE NEWNESS!

Shera entered the barren, ugly, and terrible room looking flustered and extremely annoyed. "There you two are!" She shouted. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"…and spackle!" Cid said excitedly as he and Blip continued discussing their plans for renovation.

"Well naturally." Blip replied, and Shera interrupted the conversation.

"Cid, a package just arrived for you at the front desk."

"Thanks. I'll be sure to check up on it."

Silence.

"So… didn't you have something to talk to me about?" Cid asked, trying to break the silence.

"So it's only important when the town isn't in danger? Go to hell you self-serving bastard!" The woman cried and stormed out the room.

"Only one creature scares Bloated Blip the Dumbass-edly Courageous and you just went and pissed her off!" Blip scolded. "Way to go, smarass."

"Well, I guess I should $in' go an' collect the damn package." Cid replied after another moment of extreme awkwardness.

"What do you think it is?" Blip asked.

"Knowin' my luck, it's pro'ly a damned bomb or a flesh-eatin' virus, or some shit like that."

"Oh come on." Blip said as they exited the room. "It can't be that bad."

"Well lemme see. My first damned quest was supposed to be in' easy. I ended up fightin' Murk. My second $#in' quest ended up wit' half the town destroyed and me savin' Murk. If that ain't bad luck, I don't know what #$$$in' is."

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad."

The green bottle filled with the remains of Snot shook on the trash can -- er, toilet -- and two eyes opened and observed the world around them.

As Cid made it to the entrance, Shera had beaten him there and was at her usual place behind the receptionist's desk. "So where's the #$#in' package?"

"Wow." Shera replied. "You really are blind and stupid. It's the huge crate blocking the door."

Cid walked up to the box and ripped off a note that was attached to it. "Everyone." He said quietly, eyes saucers of trepidation. "Step away from the box slowly."

"Why?"

"It's from Murk."

Everyone dived behind the counter, and a great idea hit Cid in the nuts. Slowly… slowly… he pushed Escape Dummy up beside the crate.

"What do you think is in it?" Blip asked nervously.

"Probably a man-eating lava monster straight from hell." Shera said. "If it burns this place down and I collect my insurance, I can retire."

"Wait…" Blip thought for a moment. "But it's my guild. Why would you own the insurance?"

"Don't ask questions and don't get answers you don't want."

Escape Dummy simply sat there.

"#$#$$in' DO something!" Cid murmured, and he threw Elena at ED. He missed by a long shot, and the stick whizzed by and knocked the crate open.

Gasps were heard. All in the building held their breath.

"I have to say, I'm slightly under whelmed." Cid spat dryly. Inside the crate stood the same suit that he had used to navigate through the murky depths of the slime. "Read the note again." Blip urged, and Cid obliged.

"Dear Cid,

I'm surprised you survived that fall. I don't want to keep your stupid monkey suit. Please take it back. I will never forget that you saved my life. When I kill you, it will be quick and painless, though I can't guarantee the painless part.

Love and kisses for all,

Murk"

"Do you know what this means?" Cid asked Blip joyously.

"That she has a crush on you?"

"…she?" Shera said, confused and in a daze from what she just heard.

"No!" Cid replied. "It #$$$in' means I saved the town! Not that jackass Silvah Knight! It shows that he couldn't tell his ass from a damned hole in the ground."

"Hey, way to go, guy!" Blip cheered. "We should give you some guild points or something, right Shera?"

"Crush?" The stunned receptionist asked herself.

"Hey, I wouldn't say no to a toilet." Cid replied, and Blip left to, he said, bust out the streamers and New Years hats from two years ago that never got used.

"Cid, is Murk really a girl?" Shera asked in a concerned voice. "How do you know? Do you have feelings for her?"

"What? #$$$ no! She's tried to kill me, like, ten damned times! That's a total turnoff."

"What about her? Does she have any feelings for you?"

"Unless you count cold-blooded murder as a $in' sign of #$#$in' affection, then I doubt it very much. What's with the damned questions?"

"I'm… uh… trying to assess the danger scenarios. So… do you have anyone special in your life?"

"Hey, Sweetcheeks!" Kuja greeted warmly as he kicked open the door.

"Shit, he don't count, do he?"

"Who's this fruit?" Shera asked wryly.

"This is Kuja. He owns the #$in' Jewelry Store." Cid replied in a manner that mimicked hers.

"EX-'owns the #$in' Jewelry Store." Kuja replied. "After the Skishies made off with the precious shiny, faith in the store dropped."

"Look, dammit, it ain't my #$in' fault!" Cid replied, and Timmy entered the room with a bottle of booze in one hand and a magnum in the other. "It was Murk, she #$in'…"

"It's okay, babe. I didn't really like working there anyway."

"Oh. Well you shoulda $$in' told me that before. Bitch. I coulda weaseled outta an apology."

"I said it was okay." Kuja said, ignoring Cid's comment. "The place was eaten by the slime, anyway. I inherited the insurance money and now I'm richer than I'd ever have been before. I pick up the money tomorrow! Anyhoo, the reason why I dropped by was to let you know I got a new job at the new bar opening across town."

"As a male stripper?" Shera asked.

"How'd you know!" Kuja exclaimed, eyes shining brightly. "I could just stay at home with all my money, but what can I say? I love helping people. I'm here to invite you to the grand opening on Friday. Not everyone can get in that night."

"We'd love to go!" Shera shrieked happily.

"What? But I thought… maybe that… I didn't… know you… two were, uh, together, together."

"You heard my whore. WE'D love to go." Cid butted in quickly.

"Okay, remember, it's formal dress and-"

"Yeah, yeah. I heard yea." Cid replied angrily, and booted the fruit-- er, man out the door. "Damn. I thought he'd never go. Thanks fer the help back there."

"It'll be fun." The receptionist replied, smiling as she leaned back in her chair.

"Wait, what? You don't expect to go, do you?" Cid inquired. "I thought you were just covering my ass out there."

"I was." The woman replied. "But we just got invited to the most glamorous event this town has ever had. You'd have to be a fool not to go."

"I must be a damned fool, then, 'cause I ain't goin' there 'less my ass is in mortal ass peril."

Suddenly, Blip ran into the main entrance. "There you are! I just got word that there's a grand opening at the bar downtown, and I want the two of you to go in-cog-neeeto. I've already developed a plan for you two to get in. Shera, you dress as a maid and bribe the doorman to let you in the back door. Once inside, you will bus tables for a few hours until suspicion dies down. Then you will sneak into the kitchen and open the freezer. Cid will have been smuggled in earlier, disguised as an ice sculpture of an Amazon Penguin Princess Unicorn. You will pour hot, boiling Ramen onto the frozen Cid, thawing him. Cid, once you're awake, you will proceed to beat a patron senseless and steal his pants--"

"Or we could just $$$in' walk through the front door." Cid mused.

"What? What kinda poppycock is that? Who died and made you Guildmaster? Huh? Huh? Huh! Didn't think so, smarass. Anyway, you'll use the pants to distract the cook…"

"Look, we really do have tickets. We can literally #$$$in' break-#$#$in'-dance into the place and they can't do nothin' to us."

"But… the Amazon Penguin Princess Unicorn ice sculpture…"

"#$$in' no."

"…"

"…"

"Well, have fun Friday, then." And with that, the Guildmaster skipped away.

"He… he wasn't serious about that… was he?" Cid asked Shera timidly.

"Do you want the truth, or do you want or sleep tonight?"

Cid proceeded to drag his "fugly monkey suit" into his inhospitable room. "Home… #$$$in' hideous home." He murmured, and threw the suit into a corner. Taping the glass of the now eyeless Snot bottle, he whispered, "Sorry, Mr. Slime Remains, I ain't sleepin' in this shithole tonight. Blip gave me some bread to sleep at an damned inn fer tonight only. It's gettin' late, so I'd better mosey my ass over there. Timmy's commin', too, so yer alone tonight. Don't worry, though. Tomorrow I'll give yea a proper burial." Cid left, and Snot's eyes returned.

"M…eep?"

PART ONE OF THE LACEY BIRTHDAY SPECTACULAR COMPELTE.