b AUTHOR'S NOTES /b

b I have updated. /b

Yes. Amazing, I know. But it's for a special occasion. Seeing as how I forgot to complete Part 2 of the Lacey Birthday Spectacular, that's what this is. The next chapter will be an Anniversary Present type thing… it's complicated… so don't ask. I might continue updating, but don't advertise about it. That would just make me look like a damn fool.

b END AUTHOR'S NOTES /b

It was dawn of the next morning, and Cid decided to sleep in. At home in the cozy rooms in the bar owned by Beatrix, the . Little did he know, however, he was sleeping amongst a sea of empty beer bottles, cigarette packages, fancy women's underwear, catering bills, and phone numbers. Blip had given him a blank check on accident, and so, naturally, Cid took advantage of it. His exact words were, while exiting the Fighter's Guild: "I don't get paid enough fer this bull#$$$… HOLY SWEET MARY OF JOSEPH! A blank #$$$# check!"

Satan put another tally on his chalkboard…

While Cid slept, however, another customer was checking out. It was none other than Kuja, bright and cheery. He approached Beatrix and rapped on the bar to get her attention.

"Oh," she said, "hello, Mr. Kuja. Are you checking out? How did you find everything?"

"Absolutely splendiferous!" Kuja announced with a smile. "The dinner was fantastic! I've never had such a tasty Chocobo before."

"Well our chef is one of the best in the business."

In the kitchen…

Barry the Chopper happily hacked through every slab of meat in sight. Barry loved slicing up meat. Diced, minced, sliced, if it ended in "ced", Barry had done it to some type of meat product. Barry loved his job as the Head Chef and Butcher of the inn. But soon, cows and pigs weren't enough for Barry anymore. He started roaming the streets at night after night. Eventually, Barry was arrested, but before that there were up to twenty-three people who had become his victims! He struck fear in the hearts of the citizens. That man was of course sent to the gallows.

That was creepy and on the edge of copyright infringement. Quickly, back to the bar.

"Say, I just got a new job over at that new place down the way. I was wondering, I know we should technically be business enemies, but I was wondering if you'd like to come on opening night on Friday? You've just been so nice to me and provided such great service that I'd like to return the favor."

"Of course!" Beatrix said, and smiling, Kuja set off.

"Heh… wouldn't miss it for the world." She added, her face a twisted, evil grin.

Later (as in 3 o'clock-ish), Cid awoke and check out, returning to the Fighter's Guild and his shitty hole-in-the-wall dwelling. "…#$#." He said. "I shoulda bought something' fer the room…"

"Welcome home!" Blip welcomed. "What do you think, Cid? I spent all night redoing the floors and walls! This place looks better than my room now! It was grueling, but you saved the town, so I figured you were in for some kind of reward." He smiled proudly as Cid leered wickedly. "I'm especially grateful for the tasty drink you left me! Really hit the spot!"

"…two things, lard#$." Cid began, his cigarette burning dangerously low. One, you didn't do nothin' to the room except draw a big $in' picture of a big #$$#in' moogle on the wall with a big $#in' Sharpie. Two: what drink?"

"You know, that Green Lime fruit drink you left on your toilet."

By toilet, of course, Blip meant trash can which was i supposed /i to serve the angry, stubble engulfed man as his defacation device. I am sorry to announce it was only used as such twice. The records of these events have since been burned and destroyed for very, very good reasons.

I'll give you a hint: one involves Heideggar.

Anyway, in the glass that was meant to serve Cid's squishy, slimy friend as a makeshift casket was completely empty. There wasn't even a drop of green "lime juice" left to be considered green "lime juice".

"…please tell me that the drink you #$$in' consumed was not $#$$in' from this bottle."

"It's not a problem that I drank your drink, is it? I'm sorry…"

"It wasn't no #$in' drink! That was my slime's $in' remains! I was gonna $$in' bury him today!"

"Really? You sure know how to make delicious friends!"

"I will break your arm. You got ten seconds to shut up."

"Look, I'm sorry about eating your friend. It was an honest mistake that could've happened to anyone!"

"Yeah. 'Cause everyone $in' drinks random green potions sittin' on people's shitters."

"Well, here's something to cheer you up." Blip said, honestly attempting to make the crestfallen Cid feel better. "In order to justify you living here to the Fighting Union and Council Kin, or F. U. C. K, I've bumped you up to level two. However, because of over budgeting, you have to share your room. And it just so happens that your cousin came to town and will be staying with you. How convenient is that?"

"The $$ are you talkin' 'bout? I'm a goddamn orphan and don't have no damn extended family!"

"Well speak of the devil!" Blip said as the door opened and a figure stepped in. "Here he is. Now you two have some catching up to do, so I'll leave you. Have fun!"

The figure was tall. Green. And said "meep".

"Wait. This is my $#$$in' cousin?"

"Yup. Markus Snotbugger."

"…you notice anything… different 'bout that drink last night?"

"Well… now that you mention it, I found it both great tasting and less filling."

"Hm…" Cid turned his attention to his "cousin". "You pulled the #$in' switcheroo, didn't'cha? What was in there? St. Patrick's Day beer?"

"Meep." Markus replied.

"Is that a #$#$in' yes or a #$#$in' no?"

"Actually," Blip piped in, "he said you were talking crazy."

"You can #$#$in' understand it?"

"Understand what?"

"#$$$$$$$$$in'!"

"Well, I leave you two kids to get reacquainted with each other. Toodles!"

"He ain't my cousin! He ain't even $#$in' human!"

Blip was gone before he could hear.

"Marcus Snotbugger?" Cid asked the green figure. "Mucus Snot Booger? You feel proud that you thought that up all by yerself, don'tcha?"

"Meep."

"Why ain'tchoo dead yet? I blew you up into a billion #$#$in' pieces."

Silence.

"#$$#$#$#! You don't think there're more of 'em, do ya?"

Silence.

"Nah. I'm prolly just #$#$$in' lucky."

Meanwhile, in the forest…

The Silvah Knight fended himself from countless small, green, squishy slimes.

"Foul enemies of Justice! Cease wiggling and accept your fate!"

Later, back at the Fighter's Guild…

"So how're Cid and his cousin getting along?" Blip asked Shera as he entered the lobby.

"Not good." The secretary replied. "They're constantly fighting. What are you going to do?"

"Nothing. These things tend to work themselves out. So long as no one does anything irrational, nothing could possibly go wrong!"

In Cid's bedroom, however, things were gong wrong.

"This is MY damn side of the room, and that's YOUR damn side!" He shouted, pointing at the large white line he had painted down the middle. "STAY OFF!"

"Meef."

Cid ran downstairs in a huff, straight to the lobby. Apparently the slime had said something about his mother being an antelope. "I'ma #$#$in' kill that thing in it's sleep…" He muttered to himself.

"Cid!" Shera called to him. "The Guildmaster wants you."

"What for?"

"How should I know, dumbass? I'm just the receptionist."

"Not so snaky, Sparky."

"Shut up or your cousin won't be the only one dying in his sleep."

"He ain't my #$#$in' cousin!"

"Yeah. And I have a job. Now go see Blip! He's in the armory. Now hurry!"

Cid headed down the hallway, past the sauna and the evil monkey room and turned left into the armory.

"You #$#$in' wanted to see me?" He asked Blip, who was surrounded by countless large, shiny, powerful weapons.

"Why yes!" Blip replied. "Since you've gone up a rank, it's time to upgrade your weaponry." He picked up a ratty old scabbard and a with a wooden hilt sticking out of it. "Here's the Mystical Sword of Illusion." He then assumed what was thought to have been a vain attempt at a spooky face and made "Oooooo!" sounds. Nevertheless, Cid accepted the sword grudgingly, unsheathing it…

…only to find that there was no blade attached to the hilt. "What #$#$in' sword?" He shouted. "This is a damn hilt glued to a scabbard!"

"You should be grateful!" Blip lectured sternly. "Swords are dangerous!"

Meanwhile, at Skishy HQ…

Tooey looked happily at the beautiful scenario below his castle's balcony and sighed, smitten with delight. "Ah, it's such a beautiful day." He said, returning to his bedroom. "It's days like these where you realize how lucky you are to be alive… nothing could go wrong today." He passed his mirror and then stopped, admiring his metal reflection. "Well hello, handsome."

"Hello, Tooey." A terrible, ominous voice replied, and Tooey's reflection transformed into a dark, shadowy figure that had sent him a moose last Christmas.

"Aw, nuts."

The figure was none other than Tookie-Tookie, and he was as pissed as ever. "When were you planning on telling me about the jewel."

"OH! That…. I was planning on telling you but it… was… so shiny!"

"No matter. I have the jewel now, but you are being demoted."

"DEMOTED? You can't demote me! I have union rights! Besides, who would replace me?"

"Call me Boss." A third voice chimed in behind Tooey. He turned around and saw Sid in all his angry, tea-drinking glory. "NO! Not him! Anyone but him!"

Tookie-Tookie merely laughed.