Professor McGonagall was obviously a lot like a cat. She had always had something of a sixth sense and now as she lay in her bed she felt her sixth sense begin running around, waving its arms and screaming, "DANGER MINERVA MCGONAGALL, DANGER!" She closed her fingers around her wand, which was stashed under her pillow for a time such as this, and opened her eyes.
Albus Dumbledore was two inches away from her face.
"GAH!" She screamed, whacking him across the nose with her wand.
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Meanwhile in the Sytherin Dungeon
Draco was depressed and annoyed. He was currently sulking on his four-poster bed, determinedly not looking at pictures of Harry Potter, not wearing Harry's Care Bears tee shirt, or hugging the stuffed green dragon that Harry had given him.
He was also not listening to Goyle giggle and fumble about with someone on his bed. Someone with lots of bushy, bushy hair.
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Lucius Malfoy practiced strutting with his pimp-cane.
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"Where could she bed?" Ron was pacing in front of the Common Room fireplace, and occasionally kicking house-elves that were waiting to clean the place up after everyone went to bed. He nervously ran a hand through his hair.
Ginny stopped snogging Tom Riddle long enough to glare at Ron. "Did you just say bed?"
"I dunno." Ron glared back. "It was probably a typo on the part of our sleep-deprived author."
Ginny rolled here eyes and led her favorite future dark lord through the portrait hole. Maybe they would get some privacy up on the Astronomy Tower.
"Was Tom Riddle just here?" Harry asked as the came down the stairs. He was moving into the 'Well, so what if he dumped me. I have chocolate. Chocolate is all I need. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!' stage of post-relationship crisis. He had just eaten three boxes of Honeyduke's finest, and was moving onto box four. "I think I smell his cologne..."
"'Fo shizzle dizzle." Said Neville.
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"My dear Minerva, you have a wonderful right hook." Professor Dumbledore had an ice pack pressed to the side of his face.
"Yeah, yeah," McGonagall wasn't in the mood for mindless complements. She was too angry at the moment, though she was also somewhat perplexed. How the hell did Albus's eye continue to twinkle when it was nearly swollen shut? "What were you doing in my room, on my bed?"
"Watching you," he winked at her with his good eye. "I never knew you slept in the nude."
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Remus Lupin felt a shiver run down his spine. Something of untold horror had just been posted on the internet. "God, help us all."
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Professor Snape sat in his office, a glass of firewhiskey in one hand and a crystal ball in the other. "How on earth," he muttered, "could she leave me for him?"
In the ball's glassy surface, Hermione and Goyle read Shakespeare together.
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"You know," Draco said. "For a story about me and Harry we sure aren't in it very much."
A chubby girl with dark red hair that was seated at a computer in the corner shrugged, "So?"
Draco fumed. "Well, you're the author! Fix it!"
"You aren't trying to tell me what to do, are you Draco?"
"I don't have to try." Draco said smugly. "I'm a Malfoy and we-"
"Know that a family that plays together, stays together!" Lucius Malfoy swept into the room and tipped his son back for a wet (very gross) incestuous tongue kiss.
The author giggled malevolently in the corner.
Draco gagged and started crying when his father finally let him back up for air. "I take it back! I take it BACK!"
The author grinned, "Alright then."