"Draco's middle name is Sassafras?" Harry exclaimed, as he re-read Draco's love note for the five hundred and twenty-sixth time. He was seated in Lupin's office, with his bare feet soaking in a pan of rose scented water. Lupin, who had his face covered in a veggie spread, was giving him a manicure. "I suppose I shouldn't be suprised. I mean, his first name is Draco. How ridiculous is that? That's almost as bad as naming your kid Remus!"

Lupin coughed delicately.

"Oh, yeah. That's your name." Harry felt a twinge of shame. Or perhaps gas... he wasn't sure.

"Quite."

An uncomfortable silence fell over them, and Harry was afraid he may have ruined their Girl's Night In for forever. But then his own selfish needs took back over.

"So should I get back together with Malfoy?"

Lupin sighed.

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"Oh! Oh, oh yes! Yes, do it again!" Hermione's moans filled the quiet classroom. "That's it baby! Diagram that sentence!"

Goyle opened his mouth to oblige when suddenly the door burst open and Ron ran in. His face was red with rage and then the author ran out of descriptions, so she just left it at that. "How could you?" he shrieked. "I could stand Snape, the Hogwarts Express Cart Lady, Buckbeak, and that time you had sex with Sirius and my dad on the table during my birthday dinner, but this time you've gone TOO FAR! I demand that you leave with me right now, Hermione!"

Goyle turned to stare at Hermione, "You had sex with the Hogwarts Express Cart Lady?"

"And a Hippogriff!" Ron snarled.

"At the same time?" Goyle exclaimed.

Hermione grinned, "No, but that sounds like fun."

Goyle sighed. "I'm sorry Hermione. I draw the line at bestiality." He kissed her cheek and left, a Single Tear™ slipping down his cheek.

Ron stared after him. "Well, that was easier than I thought it would be."

"You ruin all my fun Ron," Hermione snarled as she stomped out of the classroom. "Now, who will I be smart with? Filch?"

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"I'm feeling a little peckish Dobby. Bring this food to me in my dorm." Draco handed the house elf his list, and turned to leave.

"But Master Draco," Dobby had recently begun to take diction lessons from a Mr. Henry Higgins, and could speak much clearer now. "This list is twenty-five pages long!"

Draco turned sharply, "Is that a problem, Dobby?"

"It's single-spaced!"

"Alright you big-eared, good for nothing, sack of skin! I know what you've been doing with good old 'Master Flitwick', so if you know what's good for you, you'll have my twenty-five page list filled and sent to my room, or else some certain, shall we say, private photographs are going to be posted around the school."

"You-you wouldn't!"

"Oh no? Well, I can guarantee you I would, or my name isn't Draco Sassafras Malfoy!"

As the door banged shut behind Draco, Dobby rolled his eyes. "I'm surprised he didn't twirl his cloak or a moustache on the way out."

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Lucius Malfoy couldn't decide between his black silk boxers or his silver satin briefs.

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K I lyke cant thik of nothin else rite now! R&r or ill die of toxic shock! Kthnxbye!