Title: Misdemeanors
Disclaimer: Violence, language, angst, slash.
POV: Speed
Chapter Thirteen: My Goodbyes
I sink into the chair across from Horatio. I push aside the surprise that I'm able to actually sit on the chair and not sink through the chair. Horatio shuffles the newspapers on his desk before picking up a framed picture on his desk. I recognize the frame and despite my shock I manage a smile. I know what picture he's looking at, that day was a happy one for all of us. We'd gone to a charity function to raise money for a children's hospital. Calleigh and Alexx spent the entire night commenting on how dashing Delko, Horatio, and I looked in our tuxes. Tripp made sure to get a picture of the five of us together. For some reason H always liked that picture. Maybe because for once we were all smiling.
"Speed," he whispers.
"I'm right here, Horatio. I know that you can't see me and I know that you can't hear me, but that doesn't mean I've stopped existing. My body's just gone, my spirit will always be here," I instantly say. I sound like an over-read sympathy card. "You shouldn't miss me, and please don't think of me in a bad way. You made me into the CSI that I was, remember that. Calleigh and Delko are still here, looking to you for guidance, they always will be. As much as I hate the idea, Ryan is here too, looking up to you. We've always looked up to you, Horatio. I just wish I could have told you. Now it's too late." As I mutter that last sentence I feel the tears trying to free themselves from my eyes. Now is not the time to cry. I leave Horatio in his office with a soft smile on his face.
My next stop is the morgue to see Alexx. When I get there she's washing down the metal slab. My eyes drift around the room, wondering if there have ever been any other ghosts in here. Across the room from us is a body covered by a sheet laying on a gurney. I don't even like to think that there is a possibility that that's my body. I turn my full attention to Alexx. Who knows how long my spirit will hang around here?
"Fastest scalpel in the east," I begin. "I hope that you weren't the one to do my autopsy. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of such a task. Horatio would have gotten someone else, unless of course you demanded to do it." I shake my head. "Those aren't pleasant thoughts, Alexx. I just wanted to drop-in and say thank you. You may not be aware of it but there were days when I felt like someone cared for me deeply all because you said 'good morning'. I hope you never lose that caring touch. The world needs people like you, Alexx." Not like me, I think. Feeling I've said all that I can I move onto my next target.
Ryan is sitting in the break room enjoying a soda and staring off into space. I shake my head in ignorance. "Why the hell are you in here? Shouldn't you be comforting Calleigh or Alexx?" I chastise. "I never really cared for you, Ryan, never got that chance. How Horatio expected me to like you when it felt like I was being replaced is beyond me. And you want to know what really ticks me off?" I plick a crumb across the table. Ryan doesn't even notice it as it flies across the table. "I was right, you are replacing me. Take care of them, Ryan. Be a better friend than I was," I finish.
I find Calleigh in the gun safe, getting ready to fire off some pistol I don't recognize. This has always been her favorite place. Even after Hagan committed suicide here. We all have to overcome our demons. Now I've gone and given her another one.
"You probably think that everyone is leaving you, huh? I'm so sorry, Calleigh. I wish you hadn't have been there," I console. "It's going to take time to get those images out of your head. Try thinking of me in better times. Back before I got shot and everything seemingly fell apart. Don't let yourself get so depressed that you hide that wonderful smile from the world. I may be gone but you still have Delko, and now you have Ryan. You guys will do just fine without me. You'll see."
I turn and leave as she aims the barrel at the target. They all go about their lives like I'm not gone, like I'm only on vacation. Though that thought hurts it does make things a bit easier. At least they aren't letting my death keep them from catching criminals. I'd feel horrible if they didn't have the courage to work. No one else in this world ever need to suffer because of what happened. And now I have to go visit the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for.
Delko is still in the locker room when I breeze in, the door closing softly behind me. I see no reason in startling him. He's no longer sitting on the floor. Now he's leaning against the locker, his arms folded over his chest, his head hanging low.
"Why'd you go away, man? Why'd you have to die?" He mumbles.
"It's not like I did it on purpose. Believe me, if I knew that it would come to this, I wouldn't have even left the house that day," I whisper, knowing full well that he can't hear me. "I didn't want to die, Delko. I'd rather be standing outside, the sun covering me in its warmth. It's cold on the other side."
He shakes his head. "I should have listened to you. Maybe talked with Horatio. I knew that you were depressed. We could have helped you. But I failed to do anything. You're dead and I have no one to blame but myself."
"Shut up," I snap. "My death was no fault of yours. I'm the idiot that let things get out of hand and just walked out into the street. I got myself run over by that damn car. You couldn't have helped me, I wasn't seeing clearly."
He doesn't say another word. The two of us just stand there. Him mourning my death, and me watching my friend suffer. I clench me fists in frustration and feel the tears running down my cheeks. I never wanted to die. I just wanted the time to figure out where life was going to take me. With a heavy heart I leave the lab behind and step out into the sun. The warmth of its rays don't touch my ghostly skin. I'm half-way down the sidewalk before I realize where I'm going; I'm heading back to the scene of the accident. Cars buzz up and down both sides of the road as though the accident never happened. The only sign is a small pile of flowers along the curb, placed there by some kind-hearted soul.
I sit on the curb, my head in my hands, wondering where it all went wrong. I let pride get in the way when Horatio hired Ryan. I had been dead set on the fact that Ryan was replacing me; now he really would be. I feel so lonely. Lonelier than I felt when I was alive. As I sit on the curb I sense a growing conclusion, like some big event waits just around the corner. There's pressure on my chest and a beep in my ear that's growing in intensity….