Three - We're Bound to Break

September 2005

6 months ago

"A birthday party?"

"Nothing crazy!" Alice cut in from the backseat of the Volvo. "No multitude of people hiding in dark corners of the house waiting to give you a heart attack or anything, just the family, some cake, and a few presents. And yes, I will invite Charlie and yes, he will politely decline."

Edward turned his molten amber gaze on her, fully prepared to smolder and dazzle in order to get her to agree but Bella slapped her hand over his eyes with an exasperated chuckle, "Not necessary."

Alice was nearly vibrating with excitement, "You mean we can?"

"As if you didn't already know."

"As of this morning, it was still undecided how this conversation would turn out," Edward gently removed Bella's hand and brought it to his mouth, lips pressing over each finger. Alice let out a ridiculously soppy sigh at the show of affection. "Alice saw that at first, you intended to argue."

She probably would have in the past and, while it was true that accepting gifts and having so much attention on her still made her a little uncomfortable, the past few months with Edward and his family had settled much of her internal anxiety and insecurities. The Cullens (and the Hales, of course) didn't do anything they didn't want to and they certainly wouldn't throw her a birthday party if they didn't want to celebrate it. Bella shrugged, "I could, but really there isn't anyone else I'd rather spend my birthday with than all of you so it's a moot point."

Edward's thick eyebrows waggled suggestively as Alice stifled a grin, as if to say 'are you sure about that?'.

She rolled her eyes, "Oh, will you two grow up? You act like you don't live in a house with a bunch of married couples anyway."

"That's true," Alice agreed as they all gathered their things from the car and made their way across the parking lot to the clustered brick buildings of Forks High School, "but the big difference is that we've all had years to acclimate. Edward is new to all of this and now Jasper is pretty much constantly drowning in lus–"

"Alice!"

Edward looked positively mortified and Bella was sure that if he could blush, his cheeks would be scarlet. His embarrassment was probably the most adorable thing she'd ever seen.

As always, the tiniest Cullen couldn't be stopped when she was on a roll, "Not that there's anything wrong with that! Like I said before, your souls are just getting antsy waiting for you to–"

"Yes, thank you, Alice," he hissed with wide, beseeching eyes. "You can be quiet now, Alice."

"Still playing the blushing virgin, huh Eddie?" Emmett materialized from seemingly out of nowhere and slung a burly arm across his brother's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm sure Bella is just waiting for you to make an honest woman out of her before she lets you steal her virtue like a thief in the night!"

His groan was muffled by the hands now covering his face, "Oh my God."

"I have no idea how this devolved so quickly," Jasper chuckled as he appeared next to Alice with a grin, "but I'd love it if someone would fill me in."

"Guys, be nice," Bella chided, finally taking mercy on her poor vampire since it looked like he was waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him whole in order to escape his siblings. She took his hand and tugged him towards the group of buildings where their first class was. "The only thing that's important is that the birthday party is a go. We'll see you at lunch, okay?"

The others could still be heard chuckling even as they all flitted away to their respective classes.

Edward cleared his throat once there was no one else around, "I apologize for how crude they can be. I can speak to them if they made you uncomfortable…"

She immediately went into damage-control mode as he was often prone to spiraling in his own mind, "It's fine, they just like messing with you. Besides… nothing they said was untrue."

He stopped to look at her with surprise, "Bella?"

Suddenly, insecurities reared and she wasn't so sure, "I mean… you do feel it too, don't you? The pull? I'm not really sure how to describe it, but it's like–"

"A string," he rubbed at his chest with awe, "and anytime you move, it pulls me right along with you."

A momentous wave of relief washed over her with the knowledge that she wasn't alone. Edward had made vague references to a connection between them, to not wanting to fight whatever it was anymore, to her being his mate, but this was the first time he spoke of it in such specific terms.

"Yes."

It was amazing to see the perceptible shift in his confidence once they were alone. His fingers danced across her jawline, sending shivers down her spine and across her skin, "And I can hardly keep my hands off of you lately. I try to, I swear I do, but I feel like I've been set ablaze and touching you is the only thing that lessens the burn."

"Yes."

"Being near you now…" Edward looked openly conflicted. "It's Heaven and Hell; torture and salvation all at the same time. I need you more each day, Bella, and it's getting harder to convince myself that the time still isn't right."

She felt it, too. The growing desire, the conflagration that started as a smoldering ember when they first met which now threatened to consume her entirely from the inside out. Everything Alice told her made perfect sense – the reason that being with Edward felt like coming home, the reason it felt like finding where she belonged, the reason that it felt like the love she had for him was too big to be contained in her own skin was because they were mates. Soulmates. Two halves of one whole coming back together.

Meant to be.

Rapid-fire decisions fell into place in her mind then. Life was short and uncertain for humans, that was something she knew all too well after the incident with James, and the idea that something could happen to her before they ever truly acted on their soulmate bond was too terrifying to entertain.

"After my birthday party," Bella kissed him gently. "I think I'm ready for you to show me just how meticulous you've been planning to be."

All at once, the frenzy within her seemed to settle and Edward seemed calmer as well. It was as if verbally cementing their bonding was exactly what they both needed, as if saying it was committing to forever.

She certainly hoped so.

"After your birthday, then," Edward agreed with a dazzling smile that knocked the breath from her lungs. The bell rang signaling the start of class, and they both took off running hand in hand – Edward matching her human pace with love and mirth in his eyes.

God, if this was the kind of eternity she had to look forward to with him, she couldn't wait.

x-x-x

How was it that something as small as a papercut could cause such a catastrophe? One moment, Emmett was teasing her about how he already installed the radio in her ancient truck so she couldn't refuse or return his birthday present – as if she could ever give away something that made him so ridiculously happy – and the next moment, she was on the ground surrounded by a pile of shattered, bloody glass. Jasper was snapping his teeth, eyes wild and empty as he lunged at her with blood-curdling snarls that would haunt her nightmares for a long time to come, with only Emmett's iron grasp and Edward like a wall of granite to stop their brother from tearing her to shreds on the living room floor.

"Get him out!" Edward roared. "Get him away from her!"

Emmett dragged Jasper away, quite literally kicking and snarling the entire way with Alice murmuring apologies as she ran from the house as well, shame-faced in her own weakness. Esme, too, fled the house with dry sobs and choked apologies thrown haphazardly in Bella's direction. Rosalie's jaw was clenched but she didn't look angry, she just looked disappointed.

"What do you need?" Rosalie asked through her teeth. "What can I do?"

"Don't come near her!" Edward barked at her with no small amount of fury. His fists clenched and unclenched, the tendons standing out in stark contrast against the stretched skin.

Their patriarch was calm and level-headed as always as he bent over Bella to take her bleeding arm in his hands, "We can handle this, Rose. Please just make sure the others are alright."

Once she was gone, Edward's rigid stance calmed slightly though he did not turn around to look at her. It felt like a slap to the face when all she wanted, all she needed was comfort.

"She's safe with me, son," Carlisle began digging through the medical bag he'd procured from the nearby kitchen. "Go and talk to Jasper. I have a feeling he won't listen to anyone but you right now."

Hurt, craggy and precise, pierced her heart as she watched Edward walk away without so much as a backwards glance. Everything had happened so fast, within only a few seconds really, but it was enough to shift the entire world on its axis. She didn't know why but it felt like Edward – once so close to being her 'happily ever after' – was now slipping through her fingers like sand, the grains falling quicker with every step he took in the wrong direction.

Carlisle was talking about souls and forgiveness and who the hell knows what else but Bella wasn't even remotely listening. She was just trying to keep herself from hyperventilating.

Edward would be fine. Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Esme would be fine.

Today was a fluke. A mistake.

Everything would be fine.

Yes.

It had to be.

x-x-x

Something was wrong.

Bella surreptitiously pressed her bandaged arm into Edward's icy skin as they drove towards the school and felt immediate, sagging relief from the ache searing between her stitches. He didn't move, didn't make any acknowledgement of her touching him.

That dark, ominous feeling roiled in her stomach.

Ever since her birthday party, which had gone from fun to disastrous in a matter of a few clumsy seconds, something had felt off. Edward hardly acknowledged her presence at all but when he did, his kiss… his touch… he was bleeding desperation and every time he touched her, it was frenzied to the point of frightening and his eyes were blacker and more wild than she'd ever seen despite the fact that he had gone hunting only days before. There was a cavernous, barren fear eating away at her psyche every time she dared to let her thoughts stray.

Edward, once as reliable and constant as the rising and setting of the sun, had refused to stay the night with her since the party. He made minimal physical contact. He hardly spoke. Something was seriously wrong and clearly, he felt it too. Each day, they grew more distant and each day, it felt like she was falling apart from the strings that once tied them together.

It felt like something was coming and Bella was afraid that she wouldn't survive it with Edward pushing her further and further away.

x-x-x

"Take a walk with me?"

"Oh… okay…?"

In Edward's mind the concept of 'Hell' had always been somewhat abstract, partly because he hadn't been raised to be particularly religious and partly because being a vampire really put a damper on the whole 'everyone has a soul worth saving' thing. Hearing Carlisle's stories of his own father and the extremity with which religion had shaped his entire life had left Edward with vague notions of Hell being composed mostly of fire, brimstone, eternal torment, and little red demons with horns jutting from their foreheads.

It was almost comical just how painfully wrong he was.

He would trade this moment, and all moments soon to come after, for fire and brimstone, for torture and agony and demons with pointy horns and pitchforks without hesitation. He would accept true damnation, sell whatever battered sliver of a soul remained within him, if it meant ending this painful fucking farce. The walk to gather his thoughts was much too short and now it was time.

He wasn't ready but… he had to.

Bella stood before him in her oversized raincoat with iridescent raindrops scattered throughout her hair like diamonds, her dusky skin dewy and vibrant as if she were a true goddess come to life. As she took in his words, her brow furrowed and the line between those lovely arched eyebrows deepened – she was trying to make sense of it all but was finding it difficult to reconcile what was happening.

"So… it's time to move on? As in, leave Forks?"

Edward nodded, desperately attempting to keep his expression neutral, "Carlisle can barely pass for mid-20s as it is and he's claiming 30 now. People are beginning to notice and their thoughts are growing increasingly suspicious. It's best if we leave before things become too volatile."

"That does make sense. It was only a matter of time, after all," she blew out a breath and nibbled on her bottom lip, expression far away as she considered the scenario he so strategically presented. "Alright, so what should I tell Charlie? I don't want to use the 'running away' excuse anymore; he doesn't deserve to be hurt like that again if it isn't absolutely necessary. But Alice is good at forging documents so I suppose she could draw up a letter or something offering me early admission to a college in Alaska due to my grades or…"

He saw the exact moment the meaning behind his carefully chosen words sank in and could feel it tearing at his soul when she realized. Bella's eyes widened in alarm as she looked up at him, "Edward, when you say 'we'–"

"I mean my family and myself."

She hesitated for a moment, assessing every inch of his face, before laughing uncomfortably, "Right. Like I'm going to buy that. If this is some piss-poor attempt at a joke–"

"This isn't a joke, Bella," Edward forced the traitorous words past his teeth, wishing for nothing more than death in that moment. It already felt like he was being burned alive by hurting her, what difference did it make? "We are leaving and it would be best for you to remain here, where you belong."

It was like he'd slapped her, her voice diminutive as she recoiled, "Where I… belong? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Hurting her was wrong, it went against the very fiber of his being. Everything within him was screaming that it wasn't too late, that there was still a chance to fix this before it went too far, but he knew he could not. Despite his all-consuming love for her, despite that he would never again feel worthy to exist on the same plane as her, Bella deserved better. The bond between them was still only tentatively fixed… she still had choices. She deserved a normal, human life with everything it entailed and that was something he could never give her no matter how much he would sacrifice to do so.

So, Edward hardened his gaze and staunchly remained silent.

"Edward, I don't understand," Bella's hands began to tremble and she started twisting her fingers anxiously, "what exactly are you saying? Are you… breaking up with me?"

Agony. So much agony ripping through him it nearly left him breathless, if such a thing were possible. "I suppose that would be the human way to see it, yes."

"Is this because of what happened at my party? I told you, that doesn't matter! I already forgave Jasper; it was an accident and–"

"And exactly what was to be expected," the rehearsed lines felt like razor blades on his tongue. "I don't know what I was thinking – letting this continue for as long as it did. I apologize for leading you on, that certainly was never my intention."

"Leading me on?" She stumbled back a little, her eyes flitting between his in a desperate attempt to find something. Her fists clenched, matching the feel of the stone in his chest. "Leading me on?! You said you loved me! You said we were meant to find each other, that you'd waited an eternity for me! You said… you called me your…"

Her tears were nearly his undoing but there was no turning back. The blackest, most blasphemous lies came easier now as he started to shut himself off from the pain. She'll be better off without me. She'll realize it as soon as I'm gone. "I'm a good liar, Bella. I have to be."

Bella gasped and one palm came to press against her chest, as if to protect the delicate organ within from further harm.

Silly, foolish human. Didn't she understand the damage he could do if it meant saving her life in exchange?

"I know it hurts now, but the human mind is a sieve. You'll move on someday and this will be nothing more than a distant memory. Trust me, this is for the best."

"You know me better than that," her voice was hardly a whisper. She didn't even sound like the Bella he'd grown to love beyond measure. "How can you think I'll ever move on?"

Having his limbs torn off and burned would have hurt less than the searing torment laced around her words. His response was steel, "I'm not giving you a choice."

Bella swallowed her despair and grit her teeth with a fierce determination that always disarmed him, "That's what you're good at, isn't it? Taking away my choices. You always think you know what's best for me but what about what I think? Doesn't that matter? Doesn't it matter that I love you? That we're soulmates?"

There was no other choice but to shut down, not if he wanted to make it through this, "You don't belong in my world, Bella. It isn't good for you."

"Take your self-righteous bullshit and shove it, Edward. You know that I belong wherever you are! You've said those exact words to me a hundred times so I don't know why you're working so hard to mess everything up. Look, I know my birthday was a disaster but I'm still alive and no one was seriously hurt so it's all water under the bridge as far as I'm concerned. It's not even the first time I've fallen and ended up with stitches! Just tell Jasper I forgive him and next time I see him, we can–"

"No," Edward nearly snarled, frantic for her to accept what he was saying so he could run far away and wallow in his despair. It would be so much easier if she simply accepted his rejection but when she fought back, he was uncertain how long he could hold out. Bella was a warrior when she had to be, a courageous little Valkyrie hell-bent on fighting the impossible no matter the cost to herself. No more. No more. "You aren't listening, Bella. We're leaving and nothing you say can change that. Where we're going, you can't follow."

The tears returned, sparkling in the corners of her eyes as her heart rate accelerated. Her anger had dissipated, leaving nothing but anxiety and fear in its wake and she took a tentative step towards him, "How can you just leave me behind? How can you just… act like all of this meant nothing to you? Like being your mate is insignificant?"

Goddamn him. Goddamn him to the deepest recesses of Hell but she left him no choice. He had to use her deepest insecurities against her, to force her to accept this. Edward felt the final shreds of humanity dissipate as those vile words rent the crisp, autumn air, "You aren't good for me, Bella."

That was all it took. Six little words in such precarious order was all it took to break her faith in him. He'd pledged himself to her, offered her whatever was left of his heart and soul at every opportunity and she still didn't believe him – it was heartbreaking how easy it really was. He worshiped her, declared his love for her literally thousands of times but it hadn't been sufficient to convince her of what she truly meant to him. She knew they were soulmates but six words were all it took… and he knew it would be enough. Edward heard her secret whimpers in the dark – he knew that, while she had gradually become more comfortable as a member of their family, she still felt inadequate next to him. It didn't matter that Bella was, quite literally, the center of his universe as well as the only thing of importance within it; she still doubted her worth in his eyes and he knew exactly how to twist his words to make her believe it.

Of all the times in his past when he felt like a monster, this was the most unbearable.

Bella clutched at her abdomen as if physically wounded and Edward knew that there would never be a way to come back from this. He'd given her all of himself and then ripped it from her grasp as if she were nothing more than a plaything to pass the time, led her to think his love was eternal and unchanging only to destroy her without even the decency to show remorse.

Now, standing before him as if bleeding, it was clear that she believed the blackest of lies and he would never forgive himself. Not if he lived a thousand years.

Never.

"You mean I'm not good enough for you."

Fuck it, in for a penny in for a pound. "Humans rarely are."

That did it. Bella scoffed through the tears tracking down her cheeks and wiped at them with her sleeve, lifting her chin and stiffening her spine. Jesus Christ, was there anything this woman couldn't face? She was a warrior and he was the worst of cowards – he hoped she hated him, it was no less than he deserved and it would make their separation easier to bear. A part of him, a very sick and sadistic part buried not nearly deep enough, wanted her to fight back and refuse to let him leave but he could see in her eyes that she wouldn't. He could see that she wouldn't lower herself to begging for someone so determined to throw her away.

"Since it's safe to assume everyone else has already gone, what now? You're going to leave me to rot in Forks to go… where? To do what? What exactly is good enough for Edward Cullen?"

"My kind are…" Though nauseated, he forced himself to smirk as if amused by the possibilities, "…easily distracted."

"Right, of course," she ran a shaking hand across her cheeks and sniffed, bottom lip trembling despite the excellent bravado. "Then I wish you the best. I really do. I hope you find whatever the hell it is you're actually looking for and I hope you don't have to lie to anyone else to find it."

He had to get away, his resolve was quickly crumbling under the weight of her heartbreak and it was only the thought of what could have happened with Jasper that kept him going, "Just promise me one thing, if you can."

"What more could you possibly want from me?" Bella choked. "I've already given you everything."

Look at her. Look at her so it's impossible to forget this moment.

"You have to keep yourself safe," Edward broke momentarily, his own desperation breaking through his carefully crafted façade before he caught himself reaching for her. "For Charlie, of course. He needs you. Don't do anything reckless and try to keep yourself in one piece. Can you do that for me?"

She just nodded, broken and already shrinking back into herself. Right back to the shy shadow of her true self that she had been before they met.

"In return, I'll make a promise of my own. I promise that you'll never see any of us again and that we will never interfere in your life, just as we shouldn't have from the start. It will be as if…" He allowed himself to touch her skin one last time even though it didn't help; he already felt as though he was being flayed alive. "…as if I never existed."

Selfishly, Edward pressed his lips to Bella's forehead briefly before steeling himself and taking off into the trees. It took all his willpower to pretend he didn't realize she was chasing after him, that he didn't hear her begging him through a torrent of tears to come back, promising him anything if he gave her a chance to fix things. If Edward wasn't damned before, he certainly fucking was now.

Hopefully, those demons would come for him after all.

This was Hell and it was entirely of his own making.

x-x-x

Alice knew that what they were doing was wrong – even if she hadn't seen visions of Bella slowly wasting away in her room, curled in a tiny ball against the invisible pain tearing through her chest, she would have known it was wrong. Even if she hadn't witnessed her beloved brother becoming more and more catatonic with each mile put between him and Bella, she would have known it was wrong. Even if she hadn't felt the way Edward's decision was quite literally destroying their family, ripping each of them away from each other like torn seams, she would have known it was wrong.

She didn't need psychic abilities to see that Edward was making a horrific mistake.

"Alice, don't," her brother murmured, his dark eyes already lifeless and far away as he stared out the car's heavily tinted window. It made her chest ache to realize that the tiny sliver of happiness that had brought him so readily to life had already been extinguished. Edward was already fading. "It's done. There is no going back, I made sure of that."

"But it doesn't have to be like this, Edward. You know it doesn't. I've seen you two together for centuries! I… I don't know how, it doesn't make any sense, but I've seen you and Bella together from the beginning of time to the end of it. If you would just look─"

"I don't care. It doesn't matter what you've seen. Not anymore."

The cold finality in his voice, so distant and utterly unlike him, was like a punch to the abdomen. Alice bit her lip, debating for a moment before flexing her cold fingers around the steering wheel of her favorite car. Should she venture into his future now that he'd made such a drastic decision? Should she just take a peek to make sure…?

"If you insist on sticking your nose where it does not belong, don't be surprised if you are unhappy with what you find," Edward's lyrical voice was completely monotone, devoid of any emotion at all and that cemented her decision.

Alice ground her teeth and focused on the golden threads woven within her mind, reaching for the now blackened, tangled web of her brother's future…

And for the first time in her vampire life, she was terrified of what she might see.

x-x-x

His family had first tried to convince him to stay in Forks but when that hadn't worked, they then tried convincing him to stay with them in Ithaca and while he knew their intentions were good, it didn't help that he could read their minds. Carlisle and Esme planned to wait him out, convinced that he would change his mind eventually and return to Washington. Emmett was not shy about physically and mentally expressing his often violence-laden displeasure with leaving his favorite little human behind and while Edward could handle that, what he absolutely could not handle was the constant, throbbing anvil of guilt constantly weighing on Jasper's shoulders – the voracity of which was nearly suffocating. It didn't help that Alice was relentless in her pursuits to show him what visions she'd had of himself and Bella, steadfast in her conviction that if he just looked, everything would change.

No, no he wouldn't give in though the temptation was slowly but surely gnawing away at his resolve.

The one oddity, though, was Rosalie. She had remained completely silent on the entire situation, thoughts firmly blocked from his gift and expression resolutely neutral whenever he was anywhere near. Even she couldn't hold out forever, though, and as Edward was throwing together an almost useless rucksack – filled with nothing other than few changes of clothing, his journal, some pens, and a cell phone – Rosalie leaned against the doorframe to the spacious beige room that had already been designated as his though everyone knew he hadn't planned to stay.

He looked up, unable to feel anything other than the void of hemorrhaging agony and gaping nothingness that had taken up residence upon destroying the woman he'd waited his entire life for, "Whatever it is, make it quick. I have tickets for a red-eye in an hour."

His sister crossed her arms over her chest, "I know you've already made up your mind and I know my opinion means nothing to you, but I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least ask."

Edward's brow raised in question, the only semblance of emotion he was able to summon.

"Edward, are you sure about this?"

He rolled his eyes and turned back to his bag, "We may not get along but I still prefer your unfiltered form of honesty to whatever the hell you're attempting here."

For the very first time in all the years they'd been family, Rosalie moved to touch him though her thoughts were still carefully blocked by reciting the Bible in Cantonese, "I'm begging you to reconsider what you're doing."

"You never even liked her," he snapped, almost pleased to feel the rage simmering to the surface and shaking her off. "Besides, you're getting exactly what you wanted so what does it matter? Enjoy your newfound freedom, Rose – no pathetic, brooding brother to dampen your mood; no accident-prone, lovestruck human to remind you of everything you lost. It's a win-win for you, isn't it?" In his anger, Edward knocked the bag to the floor sending everything within exploding outward with an annoyed groan.

"It doesn't happen often but I can admit when I made a mistake and where Bella is concerned, I was wrong. I know I haven't always been the most welcoming, but Bella isn't… it was more for my own selfish reasons. Regardless, this isn't about me," Rosalie bent down and gently retrieved each item, packing them perfectly within the canvas fabric. She plucked a glossy, torn photo peeking from the back pages of the leatherbound journal and brushed the pad of her thumb over Bella's exultant face, the perfect moment of happiness forever immortalized in ink. "At first, I thought that she needed to see what life could be like without us holding her back from making normal, human choices but seeing you two together this past summer…" She handed the photo to her brother, lovely golden eyes faraway and sad. "The way she looks at you, it's the same as when I found Emmett, when Alice found Jasper and when Esme found Carlisle. We were all lost, adrift on the seas with nothing but vengeance or anger or sadness to anchor us until they came along to give everything meaning. I know you think you're saving her life by doing this but what kind of life can she ever really have if she's always waiting, hoping that you'll come back?"

Edward slid the photo between the pages of his journal with reverence, suddenly far too exhausted to argue anymore, "She's accepted it and if I stay away long enough, eventually she'll forget the way she felt and move on."

"And if she doesn't?"

"She will."

"Edward," Rosalie pushed on, to his extreme irritation. She wrapped his hand with hers, squeezing so his fingers bit into the worn leather hiding his deepest thoughts and the only keepsake he could stand to steal from Forks. "I understand that if you break from that line of thinking, even for a moment, that you won't be able to stomach what you've done. I get it and I'm not trying to make this harder on you, but before you leave for God only knows how long to hide in some rundown cesspit somewhere, I just want to know that you have well and truly thought this through. What happens if Bella never moves on? What happens if she spends the rest of her life looking over her shoulder, waiting for the one who gave her life meaning to return? Can you live with that?"

Visions of Jasper momentarily losing his grasp on humanity, bloodthirsty and crazed with inhuman, monstrous eyes came unbidden to his flawless memory. Esme's typically loving, golden gaze had turned savage and vicious at the tiny droplets of blood staining the giftwrap; Alice had to hold her breath in an attempt to stave off the tremors those little drops inflamed; Emmett had put all of his focus into restraining Jasper but part of him, deep inside, was clawing towards the fragile human at the front of the room; Rosalie hadn't been thirsty, only disgusted that her family had been reduced to animals; Carlisle had been the calm doctor as always, only concerned for all members of his family, official and unofficial, to make it to safety before things escalated further.

Edward, on the other hand, had wanted to both rush Bella to safety and wrap her in his arms to protect her from harm while simultaneously fighting the urge to tear open her throat with his fangs and guzzle her aphroditic blood like a drug addict denied a fix. The dichotomy had been horrifying then and now, with more than 2,000 miles and the most unforgivable lies between them, Edward could not imagine ever going back.

No, after putting her life in danger and then shattering her heart – her insecure, delicate heart so cautiously yet trustingly placed in his hands – for good measure, there was only one way forward.

When he didn't answer, Rosalie huffed, "Damn it, you and Bella are mates! You can't just leave–"

"I can," Edward snapped, "and I will as long as it means Bella is alive somewhere, even if I can't reach her. You didn't hear what Jasper…" His fist curled against the journal as he spat. "He was unreachable. He would have slaughtered her, right there in the living room and everyone except Carlisle would have enjoyed it. Everyone."
"Then if you feel like it's too dangerous, which I can agree with, have you considered changing her?"

His spine was rigid and the words were hissed through clenched teeth, "I have."

"And… judging by your reaction, I'm guessing she wasn't receptive to the idea?"

He scoffed, "Hardly. I never mentioned it. I didn't want…" The words sounded strangled, as if someone had to pull them, one by one, from his throat. "I didn't want her to know I was even considering it as an option. Christ, that would have had her salivating."

"That's a bad thing? I hope you aren't so stupid to think that she'd use you for immortality or anything moronic like that."

Edward was genuinely surprised; that had never even crossed his mind, "What? No, of course not. Bella would never do something like that. I just meant… if she knew I considered changing her, that would be as good as permanence in her mind."

Rosalie leaned against his bed and cocked her head, "Still not seeing the issue. You and Bella are mates, isn't permanence what you're aiming for?"

The truth genuinely hurt to admit. Humans weren't the only ones with insecurities. "I didn't want her to feel trapped just because some cosmic force dictated we be together. I always wanted her to know she was free to leave, free to make the choice to live her life however she chose. I didn't want to be just a pretty shackle around her wrists so I didn't mention it."

Rather than the sympathy he expected, Rosalie punched his bicep enough to cause him to wince. Unsurprising, really. She was the only one in the family who never placated his brooding, "Oh, give me a fucking break! When are you going to wake up and realize that this is the real thing? What you have with Bella is fated, it's meant to be. You both have all the signs of soulmates finding each other. Why do you have so little faith in her? Or… is it yourself who you have so little faith in?" She leaned in to see his face and sneered. "Does she feel more for you than you do for her? Is she just some passing fling to you? Some cute little human girl convenient for warming your lonely bed–"

Edward shoved her away much more violently than he would normally dare, "I have never so much as looked at a woman twice in over a hundred years and you're really asking me that? You know that is not true and if you ever even suggest something so vulgar again, Carlisle and Emmett be damned I will go for your fucking throat."

His sister, if anything, seemed encouraged by his outburst of emotion, "Finally, something sensible from you! Edward, listen to me: I know that it probably feels unfixable but I don't believe you're thinking rationally. Haven't you wondered why you and Bella are mates? You weren't born anywhere near close enough to have met her as a human, which means meeting her as a vampire was always the only path. And if that's true, don't you think it was meant to be this way? That you and her were meant to find each other now – with you as a vampire and her as a human? You two were pushed together like this for a reason. So why do you keep fighting fate?"

"Because 'fate' almost got her killed the other night," Edward closed the zipper and slung the bag over his shoulder, not even bothering to look back as he made his way towards the front door, "and no matter how much it feels like I'm being dragged to Hell with every mile between us, I would still rather that than ever chance it again or take away her freedom to leave if she wanted."

He was already backing out of the driveway, uncaring if he ever saw this life again, when he heard Rosalie slump against the wall with a sigh, "Good God, someone help us make him see sense."

That almost made him laugh as the speedometer quickly climbed into the triple digits. His fingers tightened around the steering wheel, beams of unfettered moonlight mocking him by casting Bella-shaped shadows across the trees and driving spikes of betrayal, guilt, and anguish deep into the chambers of his long-stationary heart.

If there truly was a God, he'd stopped listening to Edward a long time ago.

Now, there was only the barren, empty eternity stretched out before him without Bella to make any part of it even remotely worthwhile.

NOTE: I need your advice! Should we just jump right in to the meat of the story back at present day? Or should we have one more chapter showing Bella's escapades from October thru March? I can make it work either way but I can't decide.

Thanks for the love and support!