Kingdom Hearts: The Producers
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this crossover between the hit video game series and the hit Broadway musical, unless, of course, there is something here which was in neither, in which case, I do own that.
Act I, Scene I
"Opening Night"
Yuffie and Aerith:
Opening night...
It's opening night!
It's Riku Bialystock's latest show
Will it stink or will it go?
The cast is taking its final bow
Here comes the audience now
The doors are open: they're on their way...
Let's hear what they have to say!
Moogle Ensemble:
He's done it again
He's done it again
Riku Bialystock has done it again!
We can't believe it
You can't conceive it...
Man Moogle:
How'd he achieve it?
Moogle Ensemble:
It's the worst show ever done!
We sat there sighing
Groaning and crying
There's no denying
It's the worst show ever done!
Women Moogles:
Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss...
Men Moogles:
We've seen shit...
Moogle Ensemble:
But never like this!
Riku Bialystock has done it again!
The songs were dark
The book lacked spark
What he did to Mooglespeare
Tron did to Sark!
Seifer:
We made this special for Riku Bialystock.
(He switches the "Opening Night" sign to "Closing Night." Everyone laughs.)
Moogle Ensemble:
We couldn't leave faster...
Yuffie and Aerith:
What a disaster!
Everybody:
We are still in shock
Who produced this shlock?
That slimey crook, Riku Bialystock!
What a bum!
(The song ends and the crowd laughs at Riku. Yuffie and Aerith walk over to read the review in the newspaper he is holding.)
Riku:
The reviews come out a lot faster when the critics fly out during intermission.
(Yuffie and Aerith walk away, upset.)
Riku:
(reading the article) "By the end of Chocoboy, Riku Bialystock's hopeless musical of Moogles, everybody is tortured to death and/or slain with the Gunblade. They were the lucky ones." (teary-eyed) And this is the best review we had.
(Wakka walks over to him, playing the violin.)
Riku:
Where did I go wrong? Somebody... Someone tell me, please! What the hell happened to me. (to Wakka) You're looking at the guy who...
(Wakka isn't looking at him. Riku turns his head so Wakka is looking at him.)
Riku:
You're looking at the guy...
"The Key to Broadway"
Who used to be the key.
The key to old Broadway.
The best of destiny
Was mine to have each day.
I always had the best reviews
The biggest bunch of leather shoes
All the girls gave me my coos
I never was the boos in any way!
Yuna, Rikku, Paine:
We believe you, Moogles wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, Summons couldn't
We believe each word we've heard
Riku:
I used to be the key...
Yuna, Rikku, Paine:
The Key?
Riku:
The key to old Broadway...
Wakka:
It's good to be the key!
Riku:
My praises they would sing
A Merlin so they'd say
My shows always had unique style
I never heard any bile
The girls would always stay a while
I would always give a smile every day!
Yuna, Rikku, Paine, Wakka, Yuffie, Aerith:
We believe you, Moogles wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, Summons couldn't
We believe each word we've heard
Riku:
There was a time
When I was young and gay...
But straight
There was a time
When I was funny
There was a time
When each and ev'ry play I touched
Would turn to munny
Chorus:
There was a time
He wore the finest suits
His boots were always new
Ahh!
Riku
Now I wear a rented shirt
That's two weeks overdue!
Chorus:
Rueful Riku, what a shmoozer
Rueful Riku, what a shame
Rueful Riku, what a loser
Rueful Riku, goodbye fame
Riku:
Such reviews! How dare they insult me in this manner?
How quickly they forget. I am Riku Bialystock!
The first producer ever to bring Heartless to the stage!
Chorus:
Once he was the key...
Riku:
You've heard of the Underdrome?
You're looking at the man who invented Theatredrome!
People never had to worry about getting the cheap seats!
Chorus:
Key to old Broadway…
Riku:
I've spent my entire life in the theater.
I was a protege of the great Jiminy Cricket.
Chorus:
Ooh!
Riku:
Yes. He taught me everything I know.
I'll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and said,
"Rikukin, ymma sahclrah sicc wi sylrah, zatah dik y kahdwah gylrah!"
Random Woman:
What does that mean?
Riku:
Who knows? I don't speak Al Bhed. Strangely enough, neither did he.
But in my heart I knew what he was saying.
He was saying, when you're down and out, and everybody thinks you're finished, hat's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,
"Who do you have to fuck to get a break in these stinkin' worlds!"
Chorus:
Yay!
(A long musical interlude)
Riku:
I used to be the key
The key to old Broadway
Again I will be key
And be on top to stay
Chorus:
On top to stay, hey!
Riku:
There'll be gala opening nights again
You'll see my name in lights again
I'll go from dark to brights again
My spirits high as kites again
I'll never suffer slights again
I'll taste those sweet delights again
No plethora of plights again
No blossoming of blights again
No frantic fits or frights again
Fame is in my sights again
I'll take those fancy flights again
I'm gonna scal the heights again
Bialystock will never drop
Bialystock will never stop...
Bialystock will be on top again
Chorus:
Fame is in his sights again
He'll take those fancy flights again
He's gonna scale the heights again
Riku & Chorus:
He'll (I'll) be on top again, hey!