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Chapter Three
Brenda
What is it about ignoring your cheating ex-boyfriend that screams keep calling me? What went through his head every time I pressed the ignore button? My brain was at its limit. I could feel myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I knew I could change my phone number to end his harassment, but I had a life attached to that number. It was the number all my contacts had, and it would be a bitch to change. Besides, why should I make more changes just because Ashton cheated on me?
"Thou shall not let thy ex ruin thy life," I ranted as I walked into the Peach Pit while I pressed ignore on another one of Ashton's calls. This was ridiculous; he was giving me more attention now than when we were together. Like seriously, what part of "leave me the fuck alone" said, ooh, let's win her back?
"Jess, erase the quote of the day and go write that down on the wall." I snapped my fingers at the moody teenager. I thought we were alone in the diner, but sadly that wasn't the case. That would be just too easy.
My life was anything but easy these days. Sitting down by the back tables with his laptop open was Dylan my-other-ex-McKay. This was horrible. I hadn't seen him since Sunday, aka the day of my breakdown followed by a small pity party that consisted of stuffing my face with all kinds of baked goods. He was looking at me with an expression I couldn't read, which made me feel an ache because I used to be so attuned to him that he didn't need to speak for me to know what he would say. He never had much of a poker face. Until now.
Dylan opened his mouth,"I wasn't under the impression I had done anything to ruin your life in a very long time, Brenda."
So, the guy was engaged. No big deal. He was marrying my high school frenemy. Good for him. It's not like I cared or anything.
"I wasn't talking about you, Dylan. I was talking about Ashton." The word vomit just happened; I didn't know how to make it stop. I saw Emma cringe. I wanted to cringe. "As far as boyfriends go, you were awesome."
Oh God, please someone kill me right freaking now. Dylan stopped doing whatever it was he was doing on his laptop. His wrist rested on the table, he tilted his head to the side, and he stared at me.
And by staring at me, I meant his gaze was scalding.
"Brenda, I need your help with the pies," Emma yelled, stopping me from making a bigger fool of myself.
"I'll see you around, Dylan. I have to go help with the pies."
I ran my ass to the back where zero pies were being baked. I didn't turn back to look at Dylan. What he had said and what he had implied…he was angry, wasn't he? He had to be. There was a sick part of me that hoped he was. Hello just call me a selfish bitch already.
"Pies, Emma, really? Do I look like Betty freaking Crocker?"
"Sorry, I panicked!" She eyed me warily. "Besides, Betty Crocker wasn't even a real person." She kept staring at me, probably wondering if I would have another breakdown, which I wasn't going to. I had already met my personal quota on dramatics for the week.
I noticed she was fidgeting. In the past few days, I had been trying to teach her to use her outer voice; she was the calm to my storm.
"Spit it out, Emma."
"Is Ashton the reason you came home?" I was about to answer yes, but then I stopped myself, because if I was honest with myself, something I hadn't been doing in a while, I knew saying yes would be a lie.
"Yes and no. When I broke up with Ashton, it gave me the push I needed to get the fuck out of la-la land."
"Have you always been this crass?"
"Yes." Her shoulders sagged with acceptance, or maybe defeat, who knew. What I did know was I wanted a Peach Pit shirt, and I had yet to get one. "How come we didn't talk in high school?" I asked.
"You were kinda… intimidating."
"I was not."
"Yes you were. You hung with the cool crowd, I was two grades below you. My brother talked about you like you were god himself. My freshman year, he came home ranting and raving about you and Dylan McKay. Then I saw you and Dylan attached to each other in some way or form, Usually tonguing each other against the lockers.
"Please stop." Ugh god memories. Junior year was our best year.
"You just seemed so…cool."
"Please…if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have hung out with any of those people…well maybe Steve…definitely Brandon, you know related and everything."
"Dylan left. It's safe to come out," Jess called, and Emma and I both looked at the now vacant space were Dylan had sat, just to make sure he was no longer there.
Jess was no Emma; she wasn't shy with her words.
"So, you and Dylan have history? That explains all the looks between the two of you," she said.
"What looks? There are no looks," I replied.
She snorted in a very unladylike manner. "Please. The way you look at each other, I don't know if it's longing or hate, but it's something. It might be a hate longing like he wants to hate fuck you into oblivion."
"Does not." Ok who was the actual teenager in this conversation?
"Right, then why did he change the quote of the day?" Jess crossed her arms, daring me to defy her.
Emma and I quickly looked at the blackboard. I immediately recognized his handwriting and felt foolish for not having done so before.
Distance sometimes lets you know who's worth keeping and who's worth letting go.
"What is he trying to say? That I wasn't worth keeping? That it was okay to let me go?"
Was I upset? Nope, not at all.
I was livid, disappointed, and a little betrayed. I turned around, ready to go after him and demand an explanation, but Emma pushed me back.
"Think rationally. Think happy thoughts. Here, eat some pie and have some coffee. Or go clean that table. It'll make you feel better."
"Oh, I'll feel better after I give him a piece of my mind," I muttered.
Everything I did was for him, yet he had the audacity to say I wasn't good enough? Unbelievable.
"Brenda, let it go," Emma whispered. She was right. What good would it do if I chased after him? Nothing good.
So I stayed in the Pit, fuming over what Dylan wrote, probably overthinking everything.
Still, I did as Emma said and ate some peach pie, had some coffee, and cleaned tables all while I watched Emma do everything with such love and devotion.
It got me thinking about how much I loved acting. I was passionate about it, even good at it. Ashton had tarnished that passion, another reason to hate his guts.
On the plus side, Brandon and I were closer again, and I loved it. I couldn't leave him again, but what was there for me to do in this town? Television? I wasn't sure, my experience was in theater.
Could I live in the same town as Kelly and Dylan?
I liked to think I could.
Maybe.
Possibly.
Probably not.
It wasn't like I pictured Dylan pining for me. Although that would have been nice. I knew he might have moved on. Now I needed my brain to get the memo. I tried to evade all thoughts Dylan related, but that didn't work so well.
My time went fast between thinking of my next move and what Dylan had meant by that cryptic quote.
I should ask him, right? I mean, we were both mature adults. Acting civilized shouldn't be a problem.
"Bye, guys," I hollered at Emma and Jess at the end of my shift. I had called an Uber, my cell said he was still 20 minutes away. When I walked into the back parking lot.
There wasn't many cars but one stood out. A red jeep, with a handsome man leaning his back against the passenger side door.
It was David.
"So everyone gets to welcome home Brenda Walsh but me? You've been avoiding me…Steve gets a visit, Brandon got a call, Nat gets to have you as a house guest, Dylan gets blindsided and what? I'm chopped liver?" David stares at me, hurt evident in his expression.
I had been avoiding him, I wanted to say he was paranoid, but the truth was…he wasn't. I was butt hurt plain and simple and still trying to process the fact that two of my best friends at one time got married and didn't invite me.
Sure, I left, but come on, David was like my little brother, I left when him and Donna were far from on good terms, Ariel anyone, but when Dylan came to London and David asked me to send birthday messages for Steve and Dylan replied when I was in Scotland, we began our friendship again. David was one of the only people that actually emailed me often, if only to ask how I was. Plus he was a guy. Weren't guys supposed to be like less sentimental or something, or was I being sexist?
"My Uber is coming."
He pushed off the jeep and walked toward me, "I'll give you the five bucks they'll charge you to cancel."
"Ugh." I grunted. "This is happening isn't it?"
He nodded his head, not feeling an ounce of sympathy for me.
Asshole.
"I'm not avoiding you, but I'm also not seeking you out. Does that make sense?"
His eyes flashed with annoyance. I had to admit, it wasn't one of my finest moments.
"At the risk of sounding pathetic, selfish, and egotistical—how could you and Donna get married and not invite me? I get that I didn't live here, but it's not like we hadn't kept in touch. You invited my brother…but not me. That was a low blow David."
My hands were waving like crazy because I was mad. Maybe I didn't have a right to be mad, but that didn't matter because I was hurt. Scratch that, it cut deep. Out of everyone, the last person I would have thought would forget about me was David.
"I feel like I didn't even matter. 'Oh, Brenda's gone, so guess I won't invite her to my wedding.' Out with the old and in with the new."
My voice shook, so I shut up before I cried. David was staring at me with an expression that could be pity, and he wasn't talking. "Well, say something!"
"You never reached out after Dylan came back to LA. I thought after a year, you would have called or emailed me…any of us, but the years went by, and I figured you left this town behind and everyone in it. By the time I got married, I'm not going to say I wouldn't have wanted you there, but I think it was for the best you weren't there."
I flinched at the last part. My eyes brimmed with unshed tears.
"You stayed in London, not even giving me or anyone a second thought that maybe we would never see you again. Not caring about any of us you were leaving behind. Both Donna and I needed you that year. I ruined us. Everyone missed you and don't even let me get into what happened to Dylan when you didn't come back."
"Please stop," I pleaded. I couldn't hear more of it. It would kill the mental image I had created for myself, but David was being honest and he deserved me to listen.
"Dylan, he fucking lost it. I saw him shatter right before my eyes. I saw him turn into something that would have disgusted you. Then Toni died, he took off and we were almost grateful. There wasn't anything in this town for him anymore. When I find out he went to you, I was relieved. Donna had her own opinion, thinking about how Kelly would take it but I was happy. I was happy for the two of you because deep in my gut, I knew you two never got over each other. Then Dylan shows up at the Walsh house on Thanksgiving, looking like absolute hell. When Donna asked how you were, he was cold, bitter, told her to call you herself. I knew…I knew something had happened. Dylan never was cold towards you, not even when he went out with my sister. You were always special to him. He was protective of you. Dylan came back to LA and was even worse then before. He was dead inside. Then when you finally become a childhood memory, you stroll back into town thinking everything will be just like you left it. I got news for you, Bren, just because you left doesn't mean the rest of us stopped living our lives waiting for your return."
My face was wet, tears streaming down my cheeks. It was a cold, hard truth, and David wasn't the kind of person to be so honest he ripped your heart out, but he grew up. No longer was he the young Silver that went along with whatever just happy to be apart of our group.
David took a deep breath, calming himself, then walked up and wrapped his arms around me. I completely lost it and cried even harder, despite telling myself I had met my drama quota of the year now.
"I'm sorry, Bren. Please stop crying before you make me feel like more of an asshole."
"You are an a-a-ass-h-hole, you're l-lucky I love you."
"If it makes you feel better, I didn't come here to fight with you. My wife wants you to come over for dinner. She also told me to get my head out of my ass and make it good with you because I have been complaining you've seen everyone but me. Now that we both shared our feelings and you made me feel like I grew a vagina, can we get back to normal?"
And there it was, the elephant in the room, or in this case, the wife in the room. My hurt went past David, it went towards Donna to. Both my so called friends decided not to invite me to their wedding. Having dinner with Donna and David. No thank you. Little miss Kelly's best friend. NO.
David had forgiven me, and I him, even if I would never forget he got married without me.
What could I say? I wasn't a saint.
"I don't know David. You and me is one thing, Donna is another. I mean I would have thought I would have at least been a bridesmaid. I look good in purple, yes I know what color the dresses were, Val told me but thanks for depriving me of that moment."
He rolled his eyes at me and walked us to his car to take me home.
"To make it up, I can be the godmother to your baby." It was the least he could do.
David laughed at that but didn't say anything. I could only imagine who was going to be the godmother and her name rhymed with Jelly.
"Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow?" He pulled to a stop in front of Nat's house.
"I guess," I said as I jumped out of his Jeep.
"Have a good night, Brenda. I'll pick you up tomorrow at the Pit." I opened my mouth again to think of an excuse but immediately closed it.
I gave David a chance to explain his feelings, I guess I owed Donna the same.
David gave me a handsome smile, "I'm glad your home Bren."
I smiled back, "Thanks."
I waved goodbye to him as he pulled away. I wanted to know what he had meant about Dylan becoming something that would have disgusted me, but the answer scared me. I was hoping David said it in the throes of drama, but it wasn't his style.
Dylan had had his demons but he was still a stand up guy. Once upon a time, Dylan was the perfect boyfriend. He wasn't always, actually he sucked there in our senior year but he proved himself to be damn near perfect in London. But disgusted? What exactly had Dylan become when I left…both times.
Dylan
All night I was restless, watching the time go by, waiting for the sun to break out. I knew Brandon liked to be at the times early. I got out of the bed carefully; I didn't need to wake Kelly. I didn't need her to think something was wrong when I wasn't sure myself. I didn't want her asking questions about a past I never discussed, especially because I had lied to her about it. I didn't need to worry about the past either, but yesterday I let Brenda get to my head. Fuck, just knowing she was back in town made those forgotten memories real again.
I was at the Peach Pit working because it was quiet and peaceful, but mostly because I wanted to see her to know she was real. To know I hadn't made her up. I needed the sting of pain I felt when I saw her to remind me of what she did to me.
So, I sat there, dreading having to see her because, every time I did, it was a reminder of one of the lowest points of my life. The words of her letter kept playing on repeat like a jammed CD. When Brenda finally walked in, looking as beautiful as ever and ranting about exes, a part of me was glad she was just as affected as I was. I thought I would apologize, talk to her alone, and try to get answers. Then I could finally close the Brenda chapter of my life.
It was crazy, I knew it was, but then she turned and told me I was awesome, that I wasn't a pain in her ass, diminishing what we had once again, and said it was about some asshole named Ashton. All the anger I thought I worked through came back tenfold, so I wrote those words on the board and got the fuck out of there.
Awesome boyfriend, I wasn't an awesome boyfriend, she didn't even bring up when I wasn't an awesome boyfriend senior year. Like nothing mattered, she was completely over it. Awesome boyfriend. And who the fuck is Ashton? When she ranted about exes, it never occurred to me that she had more than one, or more than one that mattered. I know egotistical but fucking true.
"Where are you going? I thought we were having breakfast with Jackie and Mel," a sleepy Kelly asked through hooded eyes.
Usually, looking at her soothed me, but right now the effect was anything but calming. Instead of answering her, I kissed the top of her head. "Go back to sleep, Kel." I whispered, and I felt like a dick when she smiled at me trustingly and did as I asked.
A part of me wanted to feel guilty for looking for answers, but it wasn't like I was doing anything wrong.
Was I?
When I pulled into the times parking lot, I was glad there were only a few cars here this early. My pride was already taking a hit. I didn't need anyone else to know how much Brenda's return was affecting me. Brandon was on the computer when I came in. As if he knew it was me, he spoke without looking up.
"I don't want to be in the middle of it."
"No offense, but you've always been in the middle. You yelling at me when I stood up your sister in tech class, you were in the middle of it. When she broke up with me after our pregnancy scare, you told me I broke her heart, that definitely was in the middle. Hmm let's see, there was taking your dads side when he forbid our relationship…"
It wasn't a smart thing to continue because Brandon looked up and gave me a hard look.
"What do you want me to do, Dylan? Pick sides? Because you know I wouldn't do that. She is my sister."
"She fucking left me! In the middle of the god damn night. You and her have not even talked in a year. She didn't even show up to Donna and David's wedding, and yet you want to act as if nothing happened? Are you shitting me right now? She is a bitch Brandon…a selfish bitch!"
I hated to admit that I had looked for her at David and Donna's wedding. My stomach sank with each person who walked in that wasn't her.
I hated her.
Everything that went wrong with my life was because of Brenda fucking Walsh. At least...my two lowest bottoms of my life.
Brandon glared at me, but his anger was no match for the rage I had bottled up for the last seven years, if I was being honest, I never got over the fact she chose London over me. But then in London, I thought we were happy, I was going to ask her to marry me and she just left. Fucking left with no hint of where she was fucking going.
"You want to know why she didn't show to Donna and David's wedding, because she wasn't invited! They had a choice to make, you or her, and they chose you." Brandon's answer took me back; I dropped into the chair by the waiting area, put my elbows on my knees, and stared at the floor.
"They didn't know what happened between me and Bren in London. I told them I came back for Kelly. That I came back because I missed my friends. They could have invited her."
"They knew Dylan. They don't know the details…but everyone knew that something had happened. The way you talked about her. They knew you better than that. And Kelly she knew too, come on. Brenda had always been a god damn obstacle for you two. There was always three people in your relationship with her. First it was Brenda…then it was me. She is my fucking sister Dylan. I haven't always had her back…but I won't make that mistake again."
I could understand why Brandon brought that up, and it made me feel a little ashamed to even think he would be on my side on this. Brandon had always stayed out of our drama. At least mostly.
I was a fucking mess back then. I even understood why David and Steve wouldn't want to even invite Brenda, not knowing the details of our break up. I had JUST gotten my life together, was in a good a place, especially finding out my dad was still alive. What were they going to do, invite the one person that made me hit bottom?
"Has… has she asked about me?" It was physically painful to get the words out. I hated how much I needed to know if she had…how much it mattered to me.
I looked up at Brandon who was watching me closely. I got up. That was answer enough. I wasted time and energy on a bitch who tossed me aside when she found something better.
"You love her still." He said it so matter of factly, I practically gasped.
I stared at him, silent. He took a deep breath, "We've been solving our issues. You haven't exactly been our priority. Frankly, I don't think she wants to talk about you."
"Honestly, I don't know why I fucking asked." A bitter laugh left my lips. "That girl fucking played me. She played me good. I can't wait for her to leave, it's what she's fucking good at."
I let the door close without looking back at him. What Brenda did shouldn't matter, it was three years ago. I had time to process and take my revenge with every woman I took to bed after her, except it made me feel empty and hollow.
By the time I made it back to the hotel, I had gotten myself under control. Kelly came out wearing a bright blue dress, and I reminded myself that we were engaged. I promised her commitment last year, all or nothing, and I owed it to her to give it to her. I didn't let myself think of anything else. I couldn't, or I feared what would come out. The fact that I had just said I owed it to her to marry her, not because I loved her, not because she was the only person I wanted a future with. Was very very telling and something I wasn't ready to think about.
"You look beautiful." I handed her the bouquet of roses I had guiltily bought on the way home and watched a smile light up her face.
"You look handsome, but you always do. Dylan, just a few more weeks for our big day. I can't wait."
Kelly reached over and held my hand with a smile on her face the whole ride over to Jackie's.
She was excited about the wedding, when it was the farthest thing from my mind.
I was on a path to self-destruction the way I went through booze, drugs and women when I left London. Even Iris knew I was beyond sowing my wild oats. Everyone in my family knew what was wrong with me, or who it was, but her name was never uttered around me, except in hushed voices when my mother would talk to Erica about me, and I was at a point in my life where I disagreed with her on Brenda being the love of my life. Because how she left things with me was not how you treated the love of your life.
I'll admit, when I returned to LA trying to get Kelly back, at first it was revenge, and then it was the chase. Eventually it was just her and the calm she brought, and it seemed to be enough for me.
Kelly and I had been a toxic mess when we started dating the first time. She was sexy and she liked sex as much as me so that helped. I mean I was a teenager.
Brenda was never far from my mind though. She made it abundantly clear that a second chance was not possible, so I stayed with Kelly. Yeah she nagged a lot, and we fought so much it was annoying, but the making up part was good.
After Brenda had left me in London, after getting my shit together to be a normal human being and not a fucking junky. Kelly and me were good. She was there for me, she matured. We still drove each other crazy at times but the toxic relationship of the past, seemed to be better.
Was a lack of fighting now a sign of passion missing? Now days when Kelly picked fights, I gave her what she wanted because it was easier than arguing. Was the difference between Kelly and I and Brenda and I, indifference? Because that fiery brunette made me fucking insane. She pissed me off just looking at her.
I was lost in thought when, "Hey guys, I'm glad you're here."
The smile on Jackie's face would be believable if it weren't a little too bright and her eyes weren't puffy. Kelly turned to give me a look. We both knew she was probably crying all night. I knew I would hear it again today when we left, but my soon-to-be in laws marriage was their business, and I would not meddle.
Mel was who he had always been. Jackie knew what she was marrying when she said I do, especially after the first time he cheated. It was her decision to keep going back to him.
We were already having breakfast when Mel joined us.
"Sorry I'm late. Drama with the practice, you know how it goes. Kelly, you look lovely as always. Dylan, you look well."
He gave Jackie a quick peck and sat down. Is that how my life would be? Just a commodity with Kelly? I didn't think I'd be unfaithful to her as Mel had been, but was love even forever? And why was I thinking like this suddenly?
"I heard Brenda Walsh is back in town. Is it true?" I stopped chewing mid-bite, trying hard not to think of her and all the doubts that girl brought, but Mel had to open his mouth and let the floodgates open. Why did I ever fall in love with her?
"Brenda…really, that's wonderful, how long has it been since she's been back in LA?" Jackie asks, acting nice about it.
"Not long enough," Kelly answered curtly.
Mel smirks, Jackie looks surprised, "You and Brenda not getting along again?"
"When did they ever." Mel mumbles.
"Hey guys." David makes his way into the dining room.
"Hi." Is said from everyone.
"Sorry didn't mean to interrupt breakfast…"
"Don't be silly." Jackie grabs an empty plate, "Sit…eat."
David loads his plate with some eggs, bacon and hash browns and sits down. "So what are we talking about?" He asks innocently.
"No one important." Kelly says with ice in her veins.
"We were talking about Brenda Walsh being back in LA." Jackie ignores her daughters bratty comments and tone, "Have you seen Brenda, David, how is she doing?"
David looks at me, my eyes hit the plate in front of me, "Ah yeah actually, just yesterday. I saw her at the pit, gave her a ride home, she is coming over for dinner tonight."
My eyes snap to his. His stare is telling and upon seeing my reaction he smirks knows he struct a nerve.
"God…can't we get through breakfast without bringing up the return of Brenda Walsh, she is everywhere. Do you know she is living with Nat? I mean how pathetic. She can't even afford a place? Poor Nat."
"Kelly!" Jackie scolds her.
"What? Brenda is not important. She hasn't lived here in years, she isn't even staying with Brandon so if that isn't proof of how even their dynamic is nothing like it used to be, I don't know what is. I can't believe Donna invited her for dinner."
"I actually did." David says calmly, but when I look at him, I see the anger.
"Brenda is nothing…her being back means nothing!" Kelly raises her voice. I look down at my plate because I know this side of Kelly. It's been a while, but I know it well. And I know the reason for her insecurity, she's worried and it's because of me.
"You tell yourself that, Kel, but do you ever ask yourself where you would be right now if Brenda hadn't stayed in London after that summer, or if maybe Dylan had stayed in London."
"Dylan came back to Beverly Hills for me. He left Brenda."
David looks at me before looking to his sister, "Again…you tell yourself that Kel."
I glared at David. The last thing I needed was Kelly asking questions. What the hell kind of conversation had David and Brenda had on that ride home? Who else had he been talking too? Had Brandon finally told him the truth?
"That's enough, David." My fork made a loud clank when it hit the plate, making the women jump back. Mel says nothing. Probably happy I'm in the hot seat and not him.
"Sorry, I didn't know it was a forbidden subject. It's not like she broke your heart or anything." The smug smile David gives me was more than enough proof he knew a lot more than I thought he had.
Brenda may have broken me, but I had put myself back together.
HEHE told you it was getting good. Review review review. I'm holding my finished chapters hostage if not *evil laughs*