Chapter 9

Pam watched Jim walk in. She didn't know what to say to him. Pam knew she should congratulate him about the baby but she just couldn't. It was a cut to her heart and she didn't think it would stop bleeding pain ever. She would just learn to deal with it like everything else. Ryan looked over at her with a questioning look so she just smiled to show him she would survive.
Jim walked in with his head down. He tried not to see the look pass between Pam and Ryan. Obliviously, Pam was back with Ryan. It took a lot of effort not to punch Ryan in the face. But what cause did he have? He had another girl living in his apartment. A girl he had gotten pregnant and now even though Pam was free she still couldn't be his. How unfair life was at times.
The day dragged and without thinking Jim walked up to the roof at lunchtime. It was the place of their "first" date. He wanted to be alone but as soon as he opened the door he could see he wasn't. Pam was sitting in one of the lawn chairs and had her face buried in her hands. It looked like she was crying. He knew he should probably just turn around and go but there was no way he could leave her there.
He went over there and put his hand on her shoulder. She jumped a bit then tried to hide her tears. He crouched down in front of her and grabbed her hand. "Hey. Don't cry. It's alright."
Pam sniffled and blew her nose. She nodded at him and tried to smile. Her attempt at a smile was so sad. Jim sat down without asking. There was no need to ask because he knew she wanted him there. He didn't let go of her hand. They just sat there in silence holding hands while Pam tried not to cry. Minutes of their lunch ticked away slowly.
She squeezed his hand once and let it go. She looked up at him and said, "Thank you, Jim." Pam wanted to say so many things but none of them needed to be said. She stood up to go.
Jim was quickly on his feet and grabbed both her hands to hold them up to his chest. Jim just stared at her so he could drink in her quiet beauty. His eyes were screaming his deep love for her and such loss she could barely look him. The pain faded into frustration. "You are with Ryan again." He didn't mean for it to sound like such an accusation but it did.
She had come to the roof to escape and to dream. Instead all she could do was cry over what never was. Pam was too emotionally spent not to respond. "Cindy's pregnant." The venom in her voice was foreign to her ears but she knew it was to hide her pain. Hurt laced through Jim. He nodded. She nodded back. Pam swallowed and cleared her throat. "Congratulations." Her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her.
"Congratulations? Congratulations? Are you serious? You can't be fucking serious!" Jim was speaking in a very tight voice of disbelief. He shook his head and looked away from her. He held her hands close to his heart so she could feel the mad beat of it.
Pam was pissed now. Who was he to be mad at her? She pulled her hands out of his hands. "Yes, I am fucking serious! That's what I am supposed to say, isn't it?" He looked at her was so much pain it actually hurt her. "You are my best friend. You are having a baby." She couldn't help the small sob that escaped her. "You are having a baby with Cindy. I am supposed to say 'Congratulations'!" She knew her voice was raising but she couldn't help it. She was losing it. The tears filled her eyes again. How many tears did one have to cry? She was probably well over her limit.
After a deep breath, Jim exhaled and said, "You should say what you feel."
Pam's tears spilled over her cheeks and she laughed bitterly. "Say what I feel. Right." She looked at him with disgust. "You have no idea how I feel."
If there was a straw for Jim's camel, this may have been it. He looked like he was going to roar but actually his voice sounded extremely calm. "I have no idea how you feel? Really?" He cocked his head as if trying to ponder her feelings. "Over the last four years, I think I may have some experience. I know how it feels to love someone who is in love with someone else. I know how it feels to try not to think of the person you adore making love to someone else. I understand how it feels to try so hard not to love someone you can never have. I also know how it feels to lose everything you ever wanted." Tears glistened in his eyes as he looked into her face with such sadness and want.

She stared at him and tried to wipe away the tears his words caused. Another sob left her body. She had to ask. "Do you know how it feels to finally allow yourself to go after what you want and not get it?"
"I believe that is referred to as Casino Night." Jim stated it simply.
Pam nodded because she had no argument. She had put him through hell and now she was a resident in that hell. What was there to do? She had no idea but she couldn't stop herself from crying. She was sobbing before she knew it, she was being hugged closely. It felt so good and so right that it made her cry even harder. She melted into his body. She reached up and blew her nose. Her eyes were watery when she looked up at him.
He held her tight. She felt too good and he couldn't bring himself to let go. When she looked up at him with her beautiful eyes, he was lost. His heart squeezed and regardless of the past month, he loved her. He knew deep in his heart he always would. Her lips were calling to his and he answered. She seemed taken by surprised when his lips slowly descended to brushed across hers. With a soft moan, she gave herself over to his kiss. Hearing her moan of acceptance, he groaned and turned the kiss into one filled with passion and longing and love. Minutes, hours or even months may have passed before he lifted his head back to look at her.
She looked up at him blinking her big eyes. God, he wanted her. It was more than physical. He wanted all of her. She tried to speak but he just kissed her again. It said everything he wanted to but couldn't.
Pam pulled away this time and looked up at him. "Cindy's pregnant." It was a statement as well as a conclusion on their relationship. He nodded his head but he wouldn't let her go. May be it was wrong but she stayed in his arms.
He wanted and desperately needed to find a solution. "What are we going to do?"
Her tears were gone but her lips were still swollen from his kisses. She shrugged. "There is nothing we can do. Cindy is having your baby." Somehow being so close to him gave her more strength then she thought possible. "I love you. I think you love me."
"I do." His voice was strangled with emotion. Jim was sure he wasn't going to like the conclusion of this conversion.
"You have responsibilities. I can't get in the way of your child." Pam shook her head as she stated clearly what he already knew. Their eyes spoke of their love, their sorrow and their loss. She gave him a quick hug before pulling away. "Our lunch was over ten minutes ago."
He nodded. He couldn't trust him self to speak. Jim watched her walk away yet again.