Chapter 9

Brenda

What the fuck just happened?

I kept asking myself that question over and over, and I couldn't find an answer I could live with. I was glad Nat was away on a last minute trip visiting Joanie and Frankie so he wouldn't see me like this. I was a fucking mess.

How could I let it happen?

As soon as Dylan touched me, I was done fighting my feelings for him. I was starving for him. I had been ever since London.

He was my home; with him, I wasn't lost. I took a moment to feel loved, cherished, and protected. Even if what we just shared was a lie.

God, the moment he entered me, I felt alive. I felt awake for the first time in years. I wasn't only breathing and coasting through life, but I was living.

What did we do?

I took off my clothes like they were on fire. My white dress was ruined and stained—even if the stain was one you couldn't see, but I felt it, and I carried with me.

How could I do that with him?

I knew how betrayal felt. I hated Kelly, but I never intended to do this to her. I never expected this to happen.

I turned the shower on, adjusting the water on the hottest setting, letting my skin burn, but it was the only way I knew I could try to wash away what we did. I still felt cold. The shower didn't make me feel any less guilty.

Dylan and I had sex while he was still engaged to her, and if I was honest, I couldn't regret it.

It was so wrong yet so raw, it was still beautiful. It was us.

For a second, under the rain, in the alley, we were Dylan and Brenda, just like when we were young…just like in London.

It was a different place, a different time, but those feelings we felt were still the same. How could it be wrong when it was all I ever dreamed of and more?

When Dylan kissed me, I forgot about everything that kept us apart. I couldn't remember why I left in the first place. The last three years felt like it was only yesterday.

Kelly was the last thing on my mind. I didn't care for her, so I didn't let myself think of her when he was kissing me… touching me… when he was inside me.

But as soon as he set me down, his touch no longer felt good, it burned, and it shamed me. It made me into the girl I never wanted to be.

The other woman.

I slept with a man who didn't have a girlfriend—no, it was much worse. He was engaged. For crying out loud, his wedding was weeks away. How could I keep living in this city when I couldn't even look at my reflection in the mirror?

I was ashamed.

If Dylan were to touch me again, I was so freaking scared I would crumble and do it all over. I knew myself, and I would succumb to his touch, to have his heat on me, his smell on my skin. Not saying it was right, because it wasn't, but it was crazy how it was so easy to lose yourself in someone else. To lose all your morals and be led by instinct instead. To want and take because at that moment no one mattered because the heart didn't understand right from wrong. The heart wanted what it wanted, even if getting it meant starting a war.

I was Kelly.

I was Kelly like in that summer before senior year. I used to roll my eyes when she said things like we never meant for this to happen. I always thought to myself you didn't care about me at all. But now I found myself understanding, understanding the way you get swept up in the moment and it made me feel worse.

But…once was a mistake, but to do it again, that would be an affair, and I was better than that. I deserved better. I was better than Kelly.

I quickly got dressed. I left a voice message for Brandon thankful he didn't pick up. I didn't feel too bad about it because I would be back, but I needed space to breathe. To think and come to terms with what I did. Looking around Nat's house, I convinced myself that distance was a good thing. Space would do me good. I needed to separate this town from what Dylan and I did.

I slept with an engaged man. I needed to come to terms with my mistake and move on.

With shaky fingers, I dialed the last person I'd ever thought I would ask for help.

"Darling, I didn't think you'd go ahead with our deal," Ashton greeted me.

"Can we leave right now?"

"Anything for you, just give me an hour."

I heard the smugness in his voice, but right then it didn't bother me. I gave him Nat's address and waited for him, so I could run away from my problems once again.

Dylan

"Please, Dylan, I need you," Brenda whispered in my ear. We were in our spot up Mulholland drive. Her ass on the hood of my car just like high school, I had her, but this time she was a woman.

My woman.

She leaned back on the shiny black hood, spread her silky legs, and my mouth watered at the sight of her glistening center.

Fuck, when was the last time I had my head between her legs? Licking, sucking, and making her scream my name was my favorite thing to do. I yearned for her moans and savored her taste. I needed more of her.

"Dylan, I love you." I closed my eyes, trying to hide the pain those words brought. How many nights did I yearn to hear those words come out of her mouth?

Son of a bitch. I woke with my dick hard, breathing as if I had just run a marathon.

"Dylan? Is everything okay?" Kelly's manicured hand rested above my racing heart. She rarely stayed over. She thought it would be more exciting moving in together once we became husband and wife. That was fine with me. I liked my space.

I loved that she didn't hover. She had her job and life and I had mine. Shedidn't whine anymore. She didn't yell at me for stupid shit. She was just there.

I was fucking angry at myself for losing control. I was mad at Kelly for sleeping over today. Most of all, I was furious at Brenda for running away from me.

I looked down at Kelly's hand on my bare chest. I knew I should come clean, end this stupid engagement that had already gotten to far. But when is the right time to blow up your fiancé's life?

"I'm fine. Come on, let's go back to sleep," I lied, and she didn't question me still sleepy.

As soon as the sun rose, I got out of bed, threw on clothes, and left.

I needed to clear my head. My wedding was in three weeks and I didn't want to go through with it.

As soon as my foot hit the gas pedal, I just started driving.

For years I avoided thinking about Brenda and me. Today those memories were haunting me. Brenda and me up on Mulholland where she told us to slow down. Us on our first date, throwing the pot and after telling her about my shit life, that first amazing kiss. The time in Baja where we absolutely did not dance all night.

But those weren't the only memories that haunted me. The first time I looked at Kelly differently, the way she soothed my pain that summer.

The time I invited Kelly to the cove, only for her to decline but show up anyway. We hadn't done anything then, just slept under the stars and talked but I remember how easy it felt.

Then I remembered how it wasn't easy at all with her. It was awful. Constant disagreeing, arguing and judgement. Jealousy and competition with no other than with Brenda. Even after I did that to Bren, she was my friend. She loved me, supported me, watched her ex best friend and ex boyfriend have a relationship in front of her. I didn't know how she was able to do that back then. One glance at her at dinner last night with Ashton made me enraged.

Then Kelly and I were over, and Brenda shows up at my house. All the feelings of more than friendship came rushing back. Do you know how many times I had dreamed of being with her again? And there she was, professing her love to me, looking for the support we had always given each other. She was in my arms again, in my bed, then she was gone. Then I hit bottom when she didn't come back, my sister was gone and my money was stolen. When I went to London, things were damn near perfect. We had been living together for three years. Everything was going great. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Then I get the letter. The stupid fucking letter that made me have insecurities about my relationship with Brenda I didn't even know existed. I was holding her back? She met someone else? It didn't make god damn sense. I was always supportive of Brenda's dreams. I was her biggest fan. Then I came back to LA.

One thing was proven over the next few years. Kelly Taylor made me forget. What started as a challenge and my new coping mechanism turned into something more.

I grew to care for Kelly. I was content. She wanted commitment…all or nothing. So I gave her that. We went to the jewelry store, Kelly picked out a ring and we were engaged. There was no proposal, no down on one knee, no over the top gesture. And everything was fine until Brenda walked back into town looking as beautiful as the day she left.

I had been living with the pain of her absence for a long time. I didn't realize I had become desensitized to it until I saw her standing in the old Walsh kitchen.

I liked Kelly, but what I felt for Brenda surpassed everything else. Being with Kelly was like the flames of a bonfire, beautiful and it kept you warm, but when it was over, you scrapped it off and moved on.

Brenda was like an inferno burning me alongside her. I liked Kelly but I didn't love her. I don't think I ever truly did, and the feelings had always paled in comparison to what I had always felt for Brenda.

My emotions were all over the place, I felt exhausted. Instead of heading home, I went to the Peach Pit.

After last night, things changed. I knew what I wanted. Brenda wasn't around, only Quincy.

"Is Brenda coming in?" I asked.

The kid looked me up and down before he replied, "Nah, she left for London."

I turned around before he could finish telling me more.

Brenda had left, leaving me to pick up the mess she left behind once again.

No matter how many times I pulled on my tie, I still felt like it was choking me. The rehearsal dinner was going off without a hitch.

My mother was sitting there drinking, which I never saw her do and sitting in the corner like it was a funeral not a rehearsal for a wedding. Jackie, Kelly's mom, was bouncing from table to table thanking everyone personally for coming and celebrating our wedding. I smiled through every congratulation, waiting for someone to call me out on my bullshit.

I kept loosening my tie, only to have Kelly fix it the next second.

"Is everything okay?" Kelly looked at me with questioning eyes. Looking at her face didn't bring me any calm like how it did when I first moved back here. I felt ashamed.

"Yeah, everything's okay."

She leaned up and kissed my lips, and it took everything in me to not move back and flinch. Her touch had brought me comfort; now it made me ill. The guilt was kicking in.

"I'll be back. I'm going to make sure everyone is having a good time," I lied. She beamed.

I didn't even think about the fact that Kelly and I would move in together. That was always our plan. I wouldn't have been able to deal with Brenda's arrival if Kelly and I lived together.

I said hello to a few people and smiled as I made my way past them, wishing I could leave this fucking town as Brenda did.

When I couldn't pretend anymore, I went outside.

"You don't look like a man who's marrying the woman of his dreams tomorrow."

My little sister's voice startled me. I'd seen little of Erica since she left London and went back to Hawaii. She finished out her GED and was presently attending University of Hawaiʻi at Mānoa. She looked thinner, thinner than before, her face sharper, and there was something in her eyes I didn't like.

I answered immediately. "It's nothing."

"Oh please, Dylan, you're my brother. Don't try to bullshit me." She came and stood next to me.

"Unlike you, I don't like parties."

"I know, but I know that's not it... How long has she been back for?"

I turned to look at my sister, confused as hell.

"What are you talking about?" Erica rolled her eyes at me.

"Don't play stupid, Dylan, Brenda. I saw her this morning."

"She's back?" I asked, full of hope. But she was gone, she went with him. Kelly had told me all about it after my drive. Donna had told her, who had heard from David, who had heard from Brandon. I know telephone but it was clear why Kelly told me. She was happy, no she was ecstatic.

Brenda left with him after she slept with me, giving me an answer to a question I didn't get a chance to ask.

"Dylan, what's going on?" My sister took a hesitant step toward me.

"She left. I thought she wasn't coming back." I ran my hand through my hair.

I needed to leave, to see her. Fuck. "It doesn't matter; she's left me before. Brenda will always leave me."

"So, what? You're just going to marry Kelly as a consolation?" my sister asked haughtily.

"Please like you care, you never liked Kelly?" I snapped back.

"That's true, but marrying her just because doesn't only hurt her…it hurts you too. Are you happy, Dylan? Because that's really all I care about. Regardless of if I like Kelly or not."

"What's going on, Erica? What's with all the questions?" I loved my little sister, but she'd never been one to be up in all our business. When Brenda had left, she never brought her up to me, which at the time was weird to me because of how much I knew Erica loved Brenda. She would have been the first one to try to get me back with her, the first to tell me to fight for her, that we belonged together but she hadn't done that.

Erica looked up at the dark sky. There was something clouding her eyes. "Marriage isn't easy, but if you're not in it in the beginning, it will be hell. Your marriage will feel like a prison."

"Is everything okay?"

She took a deep breath and looked at me with a sad smile on her beautiful face. She brought one of her hands to my cheek. "There's something I need to tell you, something I should have told you a long time ago."

"Erica." I tried to pull my little sister into a hug. Every instinct in my body was telling me I needed to protect her, but she shook her head.

"I thought it was for the best…I was scared."

Erica's voice was shaky. My blood ran cold.

"What did you do?" My hands trembled. I feared what she would say.

"You remember the night you went with Bren to the RADA alumni event?"

I could never forget that day. It was the last time she was still mine. My Brenda before things changed between us. Before she left me.

"What about it?" My rough voice made Erica flinch.

"That day Christine was in London…she cornered Brenda in the restroom. She told her there was a powerful family in England that was watching you. That you weren't safe there, that you needed to go back to the states where the FBI could better protect you. That Jack had testified against some powerful people and they were angry. Christine told Brenda, the only way you'd leave her…that you'd leave London is if she left you. She offered her money…"

"Stop," I seethed. Fucking Christine. My fucking father. My fucking sister.

"Brenda didn't take a dime, Dylan."

There were tears in Erica's eyes, but I didn't give a shit. Erica knew how much it hurt me when Brenda left. She knew that I lost my shit and was drowning without her. Erica knew about the money I threw around trying to find her. Worst of all, Erica knew how devastated I was because I thought Brenda cheated on me.

"Does Iris know?"

Erica shook her head.

"When Brenda left she went to Paris. I called Roy, he was hesitant but told me how to get in touch with her. I asked her straight up why the fuck she left. How could she do this? Brenda was in tears, told me everything, told me not to tell you. That you were in danger and I could be too. I was scared Dylan, I was only seventeen, I didn't know what to do."

Why hadn't I called Roy? My god I'm so stupid, of course he'd know where she went, he had a villa there.

This changed everything. Brenda never left me. She left to protect my family. She left to protect me. And I did not protect her.

"I'm so sorry, Dylan. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Yeah." I laughed bitterly. "And this whole time I thought the woman I loved left me!" I roared, not caring if the people inside heard me. Brenda's words rang in my mind. Yes, I left you, Dylan, but you let me go.

I felt like such an idiot for believing the lie. Dammit, she was mine, and I was hers. All the time wasted because of a stupid lie.

"Why didn't she say anything?" I almost crumbled to the floor. "I would have went with her. We could have came back to the states together."

"Because Christine told her she had a promising career and you would never allow her to leave. You loved her so much, you wouldn't have, and she knew that. You wouldn't have cared you were in danger."

Fuck, she's right, and she loved me. She loved me so much she believed I would be better without her. Safer in LA then there with her.

"Get. Out," I barked at my sister.

"I'm so s-sorry, Dylan. I thought I was doing the right thing. You're my brother, and the last thing I wanted was to see something happened to you," my sister pleaded.

"Get the fuck out, Erica." I seethed.

My sister was silently crying, but she still didn't leave. "I couldn't let you get married if your heart wasn't in it. I'm so, so sorry, Dylan."

When she finally turned around and left, she was a mess. I didn't follow her. Beneath the dark sky, I knew what I had to do. Honestly, I knew it from the moment I stared into Brenda's eyes, but I was scared to get hurt again.

I grabbed the door, knowing everything was about to change. There must've been something in my face that gave me away. Steve stepped in front of me.

"What are you doing?"

"Get out of my way Steve."

"Look I know…we all fucking know Dylan." He moved his hand to the few people from the gang that were part of the wedding party. My eyes found David, his glare menacing. Things had been weird between us since that breakfast. Donna looked down nervously rubbing her prominent belly. My eyes found Steve'e again, "Don't make a scene. I love Brenda…but I love Kelly too. This is going to wreck her, give her the respect to do it in private."

Was I that obvious? Had everyone known that my engagement was a sham but me?

As soon as Kelly's eyes landed on me, I watched the smile slip off her face. We were supposed to get married tomorrow, and I couldn't go through with it. The thought of waiting at the end of the aisle made my knees weak and my stomach churn. I nodded at Steve and made my way over to her.

"Not here, Dylan," Kelly warned, looking around the room at all of our guests, at all the people who came today to celebrate us.

I didn't allow myself to do the same; it was for the best. I didn't need a reminder of how far I'd let things come. How bad I had fucked up. I gave Kelly a small nod and left to the bridal suite, the only place we could have privacy.

Kelly's dress was already there hanging from a hook. White satin cascaded to the floor, and I waited for it to hit me. To feel like I was making a mistake, but it didn't come. I felt more relieved than anything. When it came down to it, I could live my life and see Kelly marry someone else. I would want that for her; I wanted her to be happy, to have everything, and I knew that would never be me. I would only love her with a part of my heart. And it would never be the type of love she deserved.

On the other hand, the thought of seeing Brenda walk down the aisle to another man was something I couldn't withstand. No one in this life would love her more than I did.

I sat on the couch, my head bowed, and I didn't look until Kelly walked into the room. She closed the door slowly with shaky hands. Her face had paled; she looked at the dress before she spoke.

"Please don't say it, Dylan. Please." She closed her eyes, as if that would stop me from blurting out words that would hurt her.

"I love you Kel and this… it isn't easy for me either."

"But you don't love me in the way you love her. You love her more."

I felt it in my chest the devastation in her voice—pure heartbreak, and that made it so much worse. This would be my cross to bear. Kelly wiped the tears from her face and walked up to her dress, running her fingers lovingly across it. A dress she would never get to wear because of me.

"I always knew…I fell for you in high school when I shouldn't have, and I knew there was still so much between the two of you. Even when you chose me, I could feel the connection between the two of you." She laughed bitterly. "I was so jealous of her. What the hell did Brenda have that I didn't? We all could see that she was special to you. You loved her how I imagined one day you would love me. But you never did, you left and went to her and I thought that was it, I'd hear at some point you were getting married and I moved on. Then you came back. Claiming you were back because you missed your friends, claiming that you came back for me and still I didn't entirely believe it. The way you spoke about her, she had hurt you. I knew it was bullshit. You had never talked about Brenda that way. You seemed so uncaring, so bitter."

Kelly bunched the material of the dress in her hands and ripped it off the hanger, letting it fall to the floor. "If you knew you didn't love me, then why did you let it go so far, Dylan? W-why?" She was sobbing, and I knew the last thing she'd want was for me to console her. "Do you have any idea how humiliating this will be for me? She walks into town, and you throw me aside… for her. Why, Dylan, why now? Why the fuck did you wait till the last second!"

"She took all of me. All the pieces that made me happy, she took with her. You got what she left behind." I took a deep breath when I saw Kelly flinch. I didn't want to hurt her, but I already had. "I don't want to hurt you, Kel, but if I married you, we wouldn't be happy, not when we both know there's someone else with us. I wouldn't be able to promise you my whole heart. You deserve a man who loves you and only you, a man who will give you everything." I stopped before saying the next part, but Kelly had a right to know. "You deserve a man who can be faithful to you."

A maniac laugh left her lips, and more tears fell down her face. She grabbed a vase of flowers and threw it against the mirror, shattering both the vase and the glass.

"Get out!" she screamed.

It tore me to leave her there alone in the room, but I couldn't be what she wanted me to be. I walked to the door, watching her succumb to the floor, trying to rip the dress apart with her bare hands. The image of her would haunt me for the rest of my life, but one day she'd see I wasn't the one for her.

I walked out of the room in a daze. Making my way to the reception, I went straight to the microphone, ignoring the looks from Steve, David, Janet and Donna, who had run towards the bridal suite. Once people noticed me, all eyes came on me.

"I'm sorry," I said, and murmurs flew across the whole room. "I think it's best if everyone went home."

They needed no other explanation. I saw my mom's hand fly to her heart, a small smile spread across her face, relief.

I made my way to the door and breathed fresh air for the first time in years. Lightning lit the sky, and the thunder helped block the chaos I left behind me.

I only had one thing on my mind and it was finding Brenda.

Hit review my lovely friends, Kelly and Dylan are donzo...it's about fucking time!