Sorry it's taken me so long to update! Hope you like the new chapters!
The song is Homesick by Mercy Me
They left and I sat there in the floor trying to sort through the thoughts in my head. I walked over to my bed and pulled out a journal from between my mattress. As far as I knew, no one knew about this book besides me. I started it right after the accident. It was full of poems I found, songs, and my memories. I flipped to the first entry. As I red through the book all of the memories of that day came back to me…
Every thing changed today, yesterday I was just a high school kid who was like anyone else, but not now… not anymore. The accident changed every thing. My dad came back. I don't know why. He never loved us, he never loved me…
My mom's gone now, and I don't know what I'm going to do. We had so many hopes, so many dreams, now that she's gone, my hopes and dreams went with her.
As the days and weeks passed the entry weren't so angry anymore. I wrote about my pain, how much I missed her. I turned the page to see a letter I had forgotten I had even written with the lyrics to a new song written in the middle of it.
Mommy,
It's been years since I called you that. When I was little you were my hero. You gave up every thing to give me the life I had, the life you wanted me to have, the life you thought my dad would have given me, but it's not the same. He's not the same man you told me you loved. He's not your husband, your high school sweetheart, he's not your soul mate. You always told me there was that one person out there that loved you that you weren't meant to spend your entire life loving. It's not that way though. That's what dad taught me, that's what you taught me. You loved him, more than anything in the world, you loved him, but in the end love wasn't enough. Love doesn't last. It can't hold together the pieces of our lives. Some how, for some reason the pieces always fall apart. Dad loved you and you had a family. He married you and said in sickness and in health for richer or poorer 'til death do you part…but they were just words to him. He preaches them over and over again, but they are empty. 'Til death do you part….that's forever…I guess forever doesn't last as long as it used to.
Without you here I'm lost. I forget our plans for my future. I don't want a future without you. I miss my brother. He always was there for me, you both were. Now I have to depend on myself. I'm alone… I have Dad and Annie and my brother and sisters and Aunt Susan, but without you…I'm alone. I heard a new song yesterday…It reminded me of you.
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
I miss you mommy. I wish you were here to hold me like you used to. I live in a big house now, in a good neighborhood, surrounded by family, but I'd give it all up to have you again. I'd go back to the way things used to be to have you here. I love you mom. I'll always love you.
Your Daughter,
Sarah Camden
I remember the day I wrote this, it was the one month anniversary. Everyone walked around like it was a normal day, like nothing was wrong, but something was wrong… she wasn't here. She was supposed to be here.
Lucy knocked and walked in. I threw the journal under my bed and hoped she hadn't seen it. She sat down beside me on the floor. She said," It's ok. I still keep a journal too. You're secrets safe with me."
I said," It's not a journal…It's a memory book."
She asked," A memory book?"
I said," Where I write the things I don't want to forget, where I write the things I don't want to share. They're my memories. She was MY mother."
Lucy said," I miss her too. She was my mom too. I still miss her everyday, and I still talk to her like she's still here. I always have."
I said quietly," She's not here anymore Lucy…if she was…I wouldn't be here. If she was still here nothing would have changed. I would be with mom and Chris, and you wouldn't care that we existed. I would have my family."
She said," Even though we weren't around, we cared about you. Even though you never saw us, we loved you. I am your sister I will always be your sister."
I asked," Like dad would always be mom's husband?"
Lucy didn't say anything. She didn't know how to answer.
I said after a minute of awkward silence," Things never end up like they should."