I know this is probably one of my slowest updates ever. Terribly sorry about that, but I've been away for the past two weeks. First to Paris for my sister Lillionette's wedding, then after the wedding I stayed in London with my father for a week, because I hardly ever see him. Anyway, thanks for all the wonderful reviews for last chapter, particularly those who have been reviewing since the beginning. I hope you all received my thank-you notes. I'm happy with this chapter. Please enjoy this next chapter and continue to review.
Confessions of a Potter Princess XIX
"Hart, Do you love me?" I ask as we sit on the balcony of his bedroom.
The breakfast dishes laid out on the delicately molded table lay forgotten as we smoke in the surprisingly clear April morning air. Usually at ten the Cornish coast, where Hart, Molly, Aiden and I are spending the weekend at their beach house is still foggy and damp. In the garden below, Molly and Aiden play tag after eating their breakfast while Siva, the house-elf/nanny, supervises, wincing every time one of them stumbles slightly on the roots of the ancient oak tree in the backyard.
I'm about to open my mouth again, thinking maybe Hart hadn't heard me, but then…
"Yes" He said finally lighting a cigarette. He did this to avoid talking, like when he didn't want to answer some stupid reporter's questions instead of responding with words he just blew smoke into their faces.
"Like you loved Brenna?" I muttered wishing even as it was on the tip of my tongue that I hadn't spoken again. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know what the sure to be blunt, and unintentionally hurtful answer might be.
"No, never like Brenna" he said blowing smoke out into the salty air. "It's impossible to love two different people the same way"
What he said really resonated with me right then. I knew that right then I loved Hart too. But I also understood something he was already aware of.
Any minute now it was all over. Hart and I loved each other, but knew from the beginning that we weren't in it forever at any point in our relationship. When all of this started we were both alone, he trapped in a loveless relationship and I just trapped in my own thoughts on love without anyone to share it with. Or so I thought.
"Molly and Aiden are going back to London to stay with Brenna later today. Siva's taking them." He said his voice resigned.
I turned my head towards him and I saw how self- assured he truly was, how he had probably been expecting this for some time now, how he was ready to just say goodbye and let this fall apart.
I pull the grey soft cotton t-shirt over his head and he undoes the metal button on my jean skirt. I kick out of the skirt while simultaneously undoing the buckle on his dark jeans. In a matter of seconds the rest of our clothing is discarded and forgotten as well. We don't bother with the bed, instead we kiss passionately, our lips crashing and bruising against each other and we fall onto the wooden floor of the bedroom. The balcony door is still open and the salty ocean air blows in mixing with the salt of the sweat of our skin as we make love one last time. Our bodies pound into each other. Lips kissing, marring the other's skin with memories of a needed lover. Scratches on the skin commemorating a love that maybe never should have happened but was fun all the same. I, Charlotte had given Hart a lost passion and inspiration and he, Hart had taught me to take conviction in my love, to not doubt the fervor I feel. Moaning and thrusting, feeling each other both inside and out one last time, I called his name as I came, my arms around his neck his fingers tangled up in my long ruby locks. He lay down on top of me gently careful not to crush my frail frame. He turned us over so I was on top and I collapsed onto his sweaty chest, the taste of him, the touch of the smooth pale skin, the smell of sex and Hart, of cigarettes and salt air and I would never forget him.
He kissed the top of my head gently as I lay naked in his arms, with only a cool white sheet covering our bare bodies, "We'll find it soon" he whispered against my silky strands.
"Charlotte! Mistress Ginny, Master Harry, Charlotte is here!" squealed Dobby our head house-elf.
"Hey Dobs, I brought you something from Paris." I said handing him a brightly colored package as I stepped into the Grand Entrance hall of Potter Manor. All of us were gathering for a Potter family dinner the first since the holidays. We tried to stay close, but we were hardly ever in the same country anymore.
Dobby eagerly ripped apart the paper and jumped into the air emitting a sound unknown to man in his delight. Inside were enormous arrays of socks. Chanel, Dior, Versace, and magical socks. My mother taken me to first fashion show at ten and Dobby went along as well and needless to say we both fell head over heels in love with fashion. Since then we had both become Vogue junkies. It was hilarious really.
"Hey Princess", my father enveloped me into a big hug and my mum kissed each of my cheeks.
"Hey Daddy is everyone here yet" I said returning his hug warmly.
"Caliber and Maxim are in the theatre watching futbowl" said my mum
"Ginny sweetheart it's football, anyway Jude just got in from Amsterdam this afternoon, but he should be here within the hour and Tierney and Dane are playing gobstones" said Dad as the three of us joined the rest of the family.
"No actually they're just throwing the game Ow! pieces at each other" said Cal as a gobstone hit him in the back of the head, "Hey Charlotte, ow! holy fu-"
"Language! Caliber Sirius Potter!" interrupted mum
"Merlin, mum drag out the middle name, hey princess, oh Dee told me to tell you that she's coming over on Tuesday and wants to know if you'll be in Paris or London"
"Um, Paris. Oh I forgot to tell you, I need to take your measurements, all of you actually for the wedding party. Dee's dress has taken…"
"Charlotte, breathe darling, has anyone told you lately that you work too hard" interjected Mum.
"Yeah and play hard too, if you believe what you read in witch weekly" said Max
"Maxim watch the game" said Dad cuffing Max on the side of the head playfully.
"God, you're always so much nicer when Dee's around, maybe I should tell her not to marry you after all" I teased
"Oh ha ha" Max said sarcastically
"Charlotte when are you going to get married, because Dee said I'm the flower girl, but I want to be a bridesmaid, oh please can I be a bridesmaid at your wedding please, please, please, please" pleaded Tierney, her dark auburn ringlets bouncing around, her big green eyes shining.
"Yeah please Charlotte make me a bridesmaid too" commented Jude from the doorway.
"You know I'm not sure how I feel about my rockstar brother dressed up in silk at my wedding. I'm sorry but I don't think my wedding is quite the place to debut your inner drag queen"
"Jude I think you'll have plenty of opportunity to cross dress before then, since Charlotte first has to find a husband" said Ginny giving me a look.
I rolled my eye and looked towards Dad hopefully.
"Alright, alright leave Charlotte alone you guys and Ginny personally I'm not any rush to give her away" added Dad
"Oh alright" my mother resigned "Come on, Tierney, Dane put that away and wash your hands, dinner should be finished by now."
Dinner passed relatively uneventfully. We ate and talked and joked and teased. Everyone had their turn, Maxim because of the flowery lavender and light green wedding he had conceded to, Caliber because of all the knickers and love potions he had received upon late after being named Witch Weekly's sexiest man of the year, Jude because of his new song "Pout" the one he had written for this girl Calista even though she had no idea, Tierney because of how much she "hated" Holden Wood a classmate of hers at Aunt Hermione's magical minors academy, Dane because while at one of mum's benefit dinners the weekend prior she told him to put butter dishes out on the table but instead he put whipped cream, and me of course because I have yet to find a husband.
"It's just that when I was your age I was married with Caliber already" was the line my mother fed me now that I'm approaching twenty.
"Hey Princess, Hermione gave me a book for you the other day. I think she was going to send it to you but I told her you would be here." Dad said as the dishes were being cleared.
"Oh right, I asked her to find me a book on the wizarding high-society of the late 19th century. It's my latest inspiration"
"It's on the desk in my study"
I got up from the table and walked up the stairs towards the left wing of the manor where my parents' bedroom, dad's study, mom's drawing room, the left atrium, and the morning parlor all were.
Sure enough on the desk was a heavy volume with glossy photos of socialites of a by-gone era. I picked up the weighty tome, accidentally knocking a few papers off the polished mahogany desk. It was then I noticed what exactly fell onto the Persian carpeting. I picked up the thick textured card printed with ornate silver writing
You are cordially invited to
the Wedding of
Mister Rainier Draconus Malfoy
And
Miss Alexandra Marie Crossing
Listed below were the date, time and place of which I didn't bother reading. I immediately felt a strange mixture of anger and frustration, but I didn't know why. Still clenching the invitation tightly in my hands I ran back downstairs to the dining room.
"What is this!" I yelled waving the now crumpled card in my hand; only Caliber and Dad were still sitting at the table talking quidditch. Take that for fucking irony.
"What is what? Charlotte what are you on about" said a flabbergasted Cal.
"This!" I yelled slamming the card down on the table.
"Charlotte come on, I told you over a week ago that Rainier was getting married."
"I know but seeing that invitation. He didn't even invite me. He should have invited me. That, that should have been me!"
"Charlotte that's a brand new invitation, your mother and I only just got it yesterday. Rainier and his fiancé changed the date till after the quidditch season is over now" said Dad
"Oh yeah something about how one of the models Alexandra met during Paris Fashion Week, oh um your friend Lana, anyway I guess her sister got married and she was talking about how it had taken five months to plan that affair and that it had been one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen and all this other shit so Alexandra convinced Rainier to postpone because she wanted the wedding to be better" explained Cal
"Are you going?" I asked Dad
"Of course I'm going, Charlotte he's been playing on my team for the past year and a half. "
"Dad, can you leave Charlotte and me alone for a minute I need to talk to her?" Cal said staring at me with his hazel eyes.
"Sure, I guess" Dad said he got up and left the room, but not without giving me a quick kiss on the head. I did my best to return his smile.
"You are unfucking believable you know that!" Cal started suddenly
"What! What are talking about?"
"Stop being so selfish, and let him be happy. Stop interfering I know you had something to do with postponing the wedding."
"Fine, okay you're right I did, but they're still getting married aren't they. I couldn't stop that"
"Not yet, maybe, but who knows what you and your friends will come up with next. Godammit why the fuck can't you just let him be."
"Because he won't be happy with her, not the way I can make him happy."
"Maybe, but I've met her and she might not know her left from right, but she won't hurt him either."
"You act as if I meant to hurt him. I had to leave if I was going to do anything for myself in this world"
"No, stop making this about you, and don't be so fucking melodramatic."
"Does he love her? You told me once that when we were together, I was all he could ever talk about. Does he talk about her? You told me that every now and then he would come up to you and just say 'I love her' during the middle of practice. Does he do that?"
"He likes her enough to marry her and maybe that's all he needs."
"Don't be stupid you would never do that, Mum and Dad never did that and they grow more in love everyday, you've never settled, you've never given up the memory of Sophie to settle."
"Shut up, just shut the fuck up! You know I have my own reasons to never marry again, to never fall in love. You may be my sister, and I'll support you through whatever no matter what, but you owe it to Rainier, to yourself and to Colton, yes that's right I can tell what's been going with you two, to figure this out, to make a fucking decision and stick to it. You have very small window of opportunity to change this. You left him, you left him. "
"He could have followed"
"You could have come back. Alexandra was there when he needed someone, anyone. Where were you?" and with that Caliber walked out of the dining room, leaving me alone.
It's true. It's all true. Everything he said. How the fuck do I figure out what it all means though?
I know I have to see Rainier again. Even if it is just one last time.
Colton and I are sitting in the living room on the suede couch that faces the big bay window looking out over the Paris skyline. I told him of everything that had transpired between me and Caliber.
"Do you love him? I mean just answer this yes or no. Either you love Rainier or you don't." he said looking at me sincerely, amber eyes mixing with my own emerald.
I didn't respond and after a while he just sipped his vodka tonic.
"Your rich and gorgeous and people love you. And I'm from France and this is my fourth drink and I'm a little drunk. Can I tell you the truth?" he said suddenly
"Of course, it seems everybody does" I said confused
He took another drink and turned away from me "I know this girl and I dig her, and I've never said this before about any girl. But she could be, could be, could be the girl of my fucking dreams.
"You're not really from France" I said pathetically staring at his profile
"I know" he muttered taking another drink.
It's unusually warm for April tonight. Two days later and two days before he's gone for another five months only to return to marry. I run my hands through my scarlet strands and sit waiting. I told Rainier to meet me here, quietly, secretly. I sent him a letter, hoping he would respond but hoping that he would forget about it too. That he would simply just never say a thing to me again, never look at me, never even think about me.
32 rue Cambon, it says Charlotte Potter above the door. 31 rue Cambon says Chanel. A premier location for one of the premier designers in the world says L'Officiel about my boutique.
I'm startled at the sound of the back door opening, even though it's nine o'clock sharp. And there I see him for the first time in a year. Tall, strong physique. Blonde shaggy hair, tan, piercing blue-gray eyes. Devastatingly handsome and once mine. He looked the same except for his eyes. His eyes looked at me differently now, with love, but with caution.
Despite the warmth I shiver and rub my skinny arms. In his hand he holds a pale yellow rose, a reminder of night we had nearly a year ago that changed us both forever. I don't move, but he walks towards me, he's nervous and his hand shakes a little as he hands me the flower. Still we're both silent.
A while passes and the two of us just stare taking each other in for the first time. I look at him from top to bottom, just seeing him. His blue t-shirt and dark jeans. His brown leather shoes. His strong arms dusted lightly with golden hairs and I can almost feel them around me again.
I asked him here it's clear I need to say something first. I take a deep breath
"Rainier I-" I say finally
"Charlotte" he says my name both a curse and a prayer on his lips
I gather myself, not daring to fall apart now when he's here and I need to say what has to be said.
"I'm glad you came. I hoped you would. I wanted to see you, I needed to see you one last time before you-", I couldn't say it I couldn't say married.
"I know, I needed to see you to. I wouldn't have asked though. I'm happy you did. See, we still know what each other needs." He said looking straight at me
"Do we? Did I ever?"
"Yes, you would always make me laugh when I was too serious"
"You usually had reason to know when to be serious"
"You were seventeen going on eighteen when we first got together I knew that, but still I wanted you to love me like you were older"
"That's not fair, stop trying to be the nice guy here. I left not because of you, but because I wanted more despite everything I had"
"And you got what you wanted right. I mean look at this place it's phenomenal, you're one of the world's best designers and your only nineteen, you've got an amazing modeling career and I hated you for leaving but look at what you've done."
"What about now? Do you still hate me?"
"No of course not."
"Why not? Why can't you just hate me? Things would be so much easier if you did"
"I want to, believe me I want to, I want to hate you and never think of you, never. I want to forget you ever existed, but I can't. I still l-"
"Don't! Don't say that. Don't say it. I know what your going to say, but don't. Do you love her?"
"Alexandra, sure I do. But I love you first Charlotte"
"Then why did you do it? How could you propose?"
"I had to! Don't you get it! I had to! I'm in fucking Croatia, the last stop on the Quidditch World Tour and I arrive back in London for the first time in four fucking months. The first thing I see on the cover of the Daily Prophet is you half-naked and half-fucking Hart Barron. That same fucking night I proposed to Alexandra. That same night, I'm making love to her and all I see is you and him in my mind. He's holding and kissing you in places that used to be mine alone. And I know he's not the first since me. I may be all over the world but I've heard all about your midnight escapades with several others, but I think he's the first you've had breakfast with after sex in a long time!"
In a matter of milliseconds his lips are on mine. His hands tangled up in my hair. My arms clutching around him. I'm surprised but kiss back trying to feel what still should have been there for us both. I notice again that familiar tendency of his to kiss me as slowly as possible. Every time I push my lips on his more urgently he stops and waits and slows me down. But there isn't time for us to slow down, who knows how long this will last now. And the door opens again.
"Hey Princess, you didn't say you were going to be late. I came by just to see if everything's okay-"
It's Colton. I know without looking. I pull away and see him standing in the doorway. Green on Gold and then he turns away looks at Rainier. I can feel Rainier tense up beside me, he starts towards Colton and I push back
"Colton I-" I begin to say. But no, he turns around and walks out the door, slamming it closed behind him.
"So maybe it wasn't Hart that I should have been worried about"
"Rainier don't start this"
"Start what Charlotte, you started this, you started that, you…Fuck!" he curses slamming his down onto the sales counter behind me.
"So we're back to this again. You know what; I didn't know why you asked me here. I thought wow she must have something really important to say, but I get here and all I hear is that you still don't know what the fuck you want. Nothing's changed and until you figure this whole fucking thing out…I'm done"
"I have to…" I trail off not sure what it is I have to do, but trying to keep from crying. I grab my purse and rush out the door, chasing after something. Or is it someone.
I open the door to my flat. I toss my things into the corner of the small entryway. I walk into the living room with the intent to go to the kitchen and find something for my pounding headache then to lie down in my room and just sleep.
"So did Rainier drop you off? Walk you to the door, kiss you goodnight." Colton says bitterly a I walk out of the kitchen. He has a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey in his hands and there's an already empty bottle on the floor.
"How come you didn't invite him in? Why would you care if I were here? What does it matter anyway?"
I ignore him but he follows me into my room. I turn on the light, slip off my shoes and place them in my closet.
"You slept with me. Did you sleep with him? Does it matter? Did he make you scream? You said he never really did. But I do? Don't I? Come on how about one more time to compare then? Or maybe just for old times sake" he said grabbing my hand and sitting down on the edge of the bed
"I'm not a whore" I muttered
"I wouldn't pay" he whispered against my ear. I turn around and slap him clear across the face. A red handprint lingers and I break down into tears then collapse against his chest. I cry but eventually quiet and close my eyes. Colton picks me up and lays me down on the bed, but I pretend to be asleep. He switches the light off and kisses my cheek with a heartbreaking tenderness.
"I love you, I love you so much, if you leave with him, just know I love you. No one will ever love you as much as I do. Why isn't love enough?" he whispered and with that he left. One silent tear rolled down my face.
Maybe I've known all along.
So this story is coming to a close probably between two and four more chapters left. As you can see I don't have a clear cut outline. This was actually going to be two chapters, but since I made you wait and I receved the most revies of any of my chapters I made it longer. Comments and criticism are as always welcome. Thanks again for reading, please review