Chapter 8: Splitting Up
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"WHACKA!" Stated the blue creature that had just popped out of the ground in front of a virtually devastated Lord Crump.
The X-Naut stared. "I'll 'whack-a' you if ya don't shut up, buddy!"
"Whacka!" Stated Whacka. "It's such a nice day, isn't it? He appeared to be ignoring the fact that Lord Crump wasn't exactly in an ecstatic mood.
"Oh, it's real nice if you're into, you know, 250 percenthumidity!" Crump spat; annoyed.
"The humidity moisturizes and cleanses!" Stated Whacka wisely, "it helps us to feel fresh and rejuvenated, as if we were young again, no?"
"No." Crump stated bluntly. "I dunno about you, but it makes me feel as though I were suffocating in a blanket of pure torture. How about that? Really cleansing, isn't it?"
"Ah!" The Whacka replied, "no pain, no gain! This experience will only build-"
"Do you know where the coconuts on this island are?" interrupted Crump.
"There are lots of coconuts on this island!" the Whacka sang happily, "but they have a rather unpleasant taste. Wouldn't you like a Keel Mango instead?"
"No. You must be hearin' me wrong or something, chump." Crump was now struggling not to knock Whacka into the next century. "Ya see, I said I wanted a 'coconut.' Ever heard of 'em? Listen, I'm not here to eat a coconut, so I couldn't care less what they taste like."
"In that case," came the Whacka's excited reply, "I know where there are coconuts!"
"Good!" declared Crump, his mood brightening. He turned to leave. "Let's go, Whack-a-whatever!"
The Whacka looked honestly confused. "Go where?"
Crump stared as if this were the stupidest question in the entire world, which he probably considered it to be. "You're gonna show me where the coconuts are."
"I can't!" Whacka declared, sounding happy.
Lord Crump, however, was quite the opposite of happy. Or at least he was the opposite of 'not extremely angry.' He was hating Whacka at the moment, as well as Doopliss and possibly life in general. "Yeah, chump? Why not?"
The Whacka bobbed up and down. "I can only move underground, and the coconuts are on an island! Islands are not underground, really! They are surrounded by water, which makes it impossible for me to burrow! For I do not breathe under water! I breath air! And therefore, if I were to try and burrow under water, I would drown, which would-"
"Thank you for that stirring commentary on the nature of your breathing techniques," Lord Crump informed Whacka in a not-quite-serious tone of voice. "Sadly, you informed me that the coconuts are on an island." The X-Naut pointed to the ground. "In case you haven't noticed, or if you have limited knowledge of geography terms, this is an island."
"The Coconuts are on a different one, though!" protested the Whacka.
"You just said they were on this island!"
"Do you listen to everything everyone tells you?" demanded the Whacka. Seeing Crump's anger, he laughed nervously and said, "What I meant is they're on a small island that's so close to this one that you can consider it the same island. Plus, you have to be on Keelhaul Key to get there, anyway."
That's when Crump did something that Whacka found rather strange and maybe slightly disquieting to those with a sane mind. He turned away and began talking to what was either an imaginary or invisible person. "I hope you people reading this aren't as confused as I am," Crump was saying in an exasperated tone of voice.
Whacka stared. "Pardon me, but what were you doing just then?"
Lord Crump's attention went back to the blue creature sticking out of the ground. "It's called 'breaking the Fourth Wall,' and only I can do it," and then he muttered under his breath, "and a few other assorted characters whose names I won't mention because they are less important than me."
"Right," the Whacka said, sounding unconvinced, "I'm sorry about your coconut problem."
"Oh, that's okay," Crump said in a falsely polite way. He then proceeded to kick Whacka in the head, as he was getting on his nerves. The X-Naut had found that violence, indeed, solved everything. At least, that was his principle. He considered it a decent one, if not socially acceptable.
Much to Crump's dismay, a large bump swelled out of the blue creature's head and landed on the ground next to him.
Whacka screeched and disappeared under the ground, yelling, "Whack-OW! That hurts! I can see when my help isn't appreciated!"
Lord Crump, meanwhile, was busy being disgusted by the lump that had come out of the Whacka's head. "That's disgusting! That blue mole was both repulsive and moronic!" With that, he proceeded to kick fifty hit points-worth of Whacka-bump into the ocean surrounding Keelhaul Key.
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Fawful was wandering the jungle pathetically, hopelessly lost like the idiot he was. Perhaps it wasn't his fault. After all, every sickeningly exotic plant on the island looked the same. They were all green. And tall. Oddly enough, there were absolutely no coconuts whatsoever. At least, there were no coconuts in the locations in which Fawful was searching, which was the important thing. Therefore, the Beanbean Kingdom resident who was currently an illegal resident of the Mushroom Kingdom did the only thing he could do in a situation like this. Rant. Yes, when lost on a tropical island, Fawful's best plan for survival always included talking to himself for hours on end while he continued to get even more lost. It had always worked before. "I am wondering why I am getting the losteness so easily. I am not having the knowingness of the location of where this is, which is worrying me because I am liking to be knowing my whereabouts. I am wishing that all the locations of much heat would be having the destroyedness, as the I am not liking the heatness." Fawful walked by a pipe, but didn't notice it for the simple fact that he was so very into his rant. "This is being much trouble for the obtainingness of the coconut. I am wondering why we are having the need of a coconut. I am wondering also why the Sirens of Shadow are having the needing of-"
Someone cut him off suddenly, yelling from who-knows-where. "Hey! Keep it down over there! This ain't the kinda place where we wanna here someone whining about his problems 24/7!"
Fawful looked back to see the origin of the voice, and was pleased to see that it was someone from Shantytown. Oddly enough, they were calling from Shantytown. Still even more bizarre was the fact that Fawful had just left Shantytown about two minutes ago, and it had taken him that much time to get lost. Actually, this wasn't that strange at all, considering Fawful was widely considered to be quite stupid despite his apparent technological genius. Happily, he trotted back to the small civilization created by shipwrecked toads. He wanted to see if someone would accompany him on his search for a coconut. This was his way of looking for a chaperone, which he needed considering there were many things that he just couldn't handle on his own.
Fawful burst into Shantytown as if everyone there would automatically come sign up to help him find a coconut. Instead, most people either ignored him or stared, considering they didn't even know what he wanted and viewed him as being quite strange. "Would someone be coming with me to be finding the coconut!" He demanded loudly. "I am wishing that someone would having the coming withness of me because I am not knowing the way back to this town!"
He would have kept yelling had Pa-Patch not come over and allowed himself to become the brave volunteer to escort Fawful on his coconut mission. "Arg, matey. In order to get you to be quiet fer a few, I guess I'll be havin' to be takin' ya to find a coconut. Don't know where to find them, though. They're nasty as a right-"
"I am having the thankingness of you!" Fawful interrupted ecstatically, "We are going to be finding the coconut because I am needing to be giving the coconut to the Sirens of Shadow, which are being the employers of me because I am needing money. They are paying me-"
Fawful's voice faded into the distance as he and Pa-Patch started their search. The citizens of Shantytown couldn't help but admire the poor Bob-omb sailor's gallant sacrifice in order to keep Shantytown its peaceful self.
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Doopliss had found a tree that he liked. He would be able to situnder it.It was a palm tree, and he figured that it was far away from both Lord Crump and Fawful. They were both idiots, as he saw it. He was pretty sure he wouldn't remember their names for much longer, either. In fact, he especially never remembered that weird-talking guy's name. It didn't matter. The tree he had found was on an island that was separate from Keelhaul Key. It had been easy to get to, considering there was a pipe that led to it. Doopliss mused that pipes were always in the most convenient of locations. The duplighost had decided that he was going to sit there under that tree until someone else found the coconut and came to get him. At that point, he would pretend that he was still looking.
"Ah," the duplighost muttered to himself, "what a great plan! Sheer genius! Those slicks won't know what hit 'em!" However, he was soon hit on the head with a rather large, blunt object. This caused him to scream, flail, and then check to see what this invading object was. He stared. It was a coconut. "Well, that was easy." Doopliss supposed that it was now time to leave the island. He would bring the guy that couldn't speak proper English with him, but he would definitely leave that 'Crump' moron. "Forget that date, Slick," he declared out loud. He then began making his way back to Shantytown, very ecstatic with himself for being so amazingly capable. Sometimes he even amazed himself. Perhaps even all the time.
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"I bet there are coconuts in this cave!" Declared Lord Crump stupidly. He had found a cave, which he had conveniently forgotten was the place that Cortez kept his pirate ship. The X-Naut entered the cave, going deeper and deeper, and not even bothering to wonder whether or not palm trees grew underground where there was absolutely no light and barely any heat.
Meanwhile, Fawful was having a great, one-sided conversation with Pa-Patch. Pa-Patch wasn't usually easily aggravated with anyone other than Flavio, so he was taking Fawful's ranting fairly well. So far, Pa-Patch had learned of Fawful's latest employers, his past employers, his phone number, his social security number, his...basically everything. Fawful had managed to accomplish this amazing informational feat in less than five minutes. And he was still going. However, he had now switched the conversation to address his current problem.
"I am wondering where the coconuts are being," Fawful said for the millionth time. "It is being strange that we are not being able to find the coconuts on an island of much tropicalness. This is reminding me of the time that I am getting the wrong brand of mustard from the-"
Pa-Patch had already learned to just block out whatever Fawful happened to be saying, since it was usually of little consequence to anything that made sense or happened in a logical sequence.
While Fawful and Pa-Patch were traversing along having a deep and meaningful conversation regarding the mysteries of life, Doopliss happened to stroll by holding a coconut. The duplighost stopped and called to Fawful. "Hey, Slick! I got the coconut, so we'll be leaving this heat trap now. Easy enough, eh?"
"Where are you finding the coconut?" Fawful questioned. "I am not being able to locate the areaness of the-"
"All that matters is that I found it," Doopliss replied simply, not wanting to get into some idiotic conversation that would make no sense to anyone, particularly not to someone with an English major. "Let's get outta here, eh? By the way, we're leaving that 'Crump' guy here. He gets on my nerves almost as much as you do. But I gotta keep you around, or 'ol Beldy's gonna wonder where you got off to."
"That is being of the much goodness!" Fawful declared.
"Yeah, whatever," Doopliss replied dismissively, shooing Fawful over to the only pipe in Keelhaul Key. "You go on ahead a' me. I gotta take care a' something' real quick." When Fawful had left, Doopliss turned to Pa-Patch. "Thanks for babysitting that guy for me. He was really in need of a chaperone, if ya know what I mean. Can't really handle much on his own, that one." At that, he began heading towards the pipe.
"Aren't ya gonna pay me for it then, matey?" Pa-Patch asked hopefully, not really expecting a favorable answer.
Doopliss laughed as he disspeared into the pipe. "Good one! You're good with babysitting and jokes! You should be, like, a clown or something!" And with that, the dupilghost was gone.
Pa-Patch then mumbled several pirate curses to himself that probably didn't exist.
Meanwhile...
Lord Crump, sadly enough, had not found a palm tree. Sadly enough, he didn't even know where he was. It was so easy to get lost in these caves. The X-Naut made a note to try and get Grodus to help him destroy all caves in existence next time he got the chance. It was particularly annoying when one was constantly getting chased by random flying fireballs. That was when Lord Crump made a vow. He vowed that, when he got out of this cave, he would seek revenge on the ever-so-annoying duplighost. He didn't know why he was going to seek revenge on the duplighost, as telling someone to split up in order to look for a coconut wasn't exactly the most terrible thing in the world. However, he had decided awhile ago that revenge was a good hobby when was bored.
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Fawful and Doopliss were back in Rogueport, much to the delight of the duplighost. His dislike for Keelhaul Key had been very large indeed. He was currently staring with disgust at the list that Beldam had given them. "A 'Mystic Egg?' What the heck is a 'Mystic Egg?'" He dropped the list in frustration. "I swear! It sounds like some key item in an adventure game!" He turned to Fawful. "We must find the 'Mystic Egg!' It is the only way to unlock the secret vial of Tiyamith in the land of the happy elves that shoot arrows only when threatened by war or evil forces!"
Fawful stared.
Doopliss seemed oblivious to this, and picked up the list again. "So. This Mystic Egg has to be somewhere. The only problem is where to look." He shrugged, gesturing for Fawful to follow him to the pipe that would take them to the sewers under Rogueport. "There are only so many pipes under this stupid town, though. The pipe that will start our journey to unlocking the secret to the Mystic Egg of legend has to be somewhere down in that stinkhole!"
Fawful stared yet again.
"Alright," Doopliss stated, "I'll stop with the 'adventure game' stuff if it effects yer mind so badly."
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A/N: Yay! Chapter 8 is done. Finally. I hope it wasn't too short. As I say after every chapter, don't be afraid to R&R. XD