EDIT, 11/19/19 - Slight tweaks to dialogue in Charlotte's labyrinth.

"So, Miss Akemi…" I popped off the cap of the authentic-looking bottle of root beer I'd ordered. "What exactly were you hoping to talk about?"

"You, to begin with," she answered, setting down her cup of tea. "There's something about you that marks you as an outsider, and I don't just mean your nationality."

I took a swig. "The incubator tell you that?"

I feel like she would have raised an eyebrow were she not dead inside. "You know Kyubey's real purpose, then?"

My bottle hit the table with a dull clink. "Well, Homu- can I call you Homu?"

"How you address me is irrelevant."

"I'll take that as a resounding 'yes,' then. Anyway, I know a lot of things."

She didn't budge. "Such as?"

Oh, boy, loaded question right off the bat… how do I answer this?

I felt like if I said the wrong thing, I would waste this one-in-a-million chance to make an invaluable ally. If I went with a troll-like answer, she would probably stop taking me seriously entirely. On the other hand, if I went too far in the other direction, that might also make her just cut things short and find a way to put a bullet in my head as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, however, my brain defaulted to 'stupid gag mode' and opened my mouth while I was distracted. "You've got both Za Warudo and Bites Za Dusto under your belt, which is frankly bullshit and completely unfair on so many different levels."

When I registered what I'd said, I inwardly panicked.

Oh, shit. Oh, SHIT! OH GOD OH FUCK OH-

"...excuse me?"

My jaw hit the floor for a moment before I caught myself and snapped it shut.

...she didn't get it. What the fuck? Why?! Sayaka got my reference earlier, so why doesn't this girl follow suit?! That makes no sense!

Leave it to me to prioritize the fact that Homura didn't know Jojo instead of how I'd been handed a free verbal backspace coupon. "Well, now I know you're not a girl of culture. But what I mean is that I have it on good authority that you can put me in the dirt in less than a second if I ever try anything funny again."

"That would be correct." I had to wonder if this was bragging, but she wasn't exactly wrong. "Unpredictable though you may be, my experience overshadows yours by a large margin. But something tells me that you know more than that."

To reveal, or not to reveal…? Actually, I think I should probably try to build some kind of alliance with her, if only to stop her from possibly screwing me over when Charlotte arrives. Reveal it is. Crossing my fingers she doesn't treat me like another Oriko...

"Right you are." I paused to take another gulp and prepare myself. "For example, I also know that sometime in the near future, Mami's gonna lose her head. Literally."

That was enough to widen her eyes. "What?"

"Hard to believe, I know." I shrugged, then leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "But it's true. And it's been bugging me a lot."

Homura fixed me with a piercing gaze. "How do you know that?"

I pointed to my eyes. "Future vision. I thought that was obvious."

She looked seconds away from pulling a Phoenix Wright-brand Desk Slam. "What else have you seen?"

Here's the coin flip. Fifty-fifty chance that she either lets me keep talking, or kills me.

I made a flippant gesture with a deadpan expression. "Oh, nothing much. Only the complete destruction of Mitakihara, along with pretty much everyone in it at the hands of a big-ass Victorian dress hanging upside-down from a giant cog. You know, normal shit that happens every day. Why do you wanna know?"

Homura was silent for a time. It seemed like she was debating with herself over something. When she was done, she spoke again. "Because in approximately one month, I'm going to try and stop it."

It took a lot of effort not to let my massive mental sigh of relief bleed into my outward expression.

Whoof. Okay... okay, you're good! Now play dumb!

Instead, I gave her a look. "You know when it's gonna happen?"

"Yes."

"...can I ask how?"

"No."

I let the sigh through this time, even if the denial was to be expected. I wasn't done yet, though. "All right… and I don't suppose you also know when blondie's gonna get axed?"

Something told me that I wasn't the only one trying to stop the underlying emotions from leaking into the mask. "June 4th. Four days from now."

"Okay…" I hid the immense satisfaction with suspicion. "But if you're wrong about this, I'm gonna be really pissed at you."

"And if I'm right?"

Another draught of carbonation was needed. "Then you can consider me enlisted for the final fight against the flying circus. I know, not much of a reward considering that I'm planning on going up against it anyway, but good coordination's never a bad thing. Besides, even if you are wrong about Mami, there's really not much I can do to you besides be pissed."

She nodded. "Good. I need all the help I can get against Walpurgisnacht."

"That the thing's name?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "One of the most powerful witches in existence. Strong enough that it doesn't need a labyrinth."

I propped my forehead up with my free hand. "Yeah, kinda figured that for myself when I saw the ruined city background. Great… if that doesn't scream 'Final Boss,' I don't know what does." A thought came to me then, and I lifted my gaze back up. "By the way - you weren't seriously thinking of taking that thing on by yourself, were you? Because if you were, then I very much doubt that you're mentally stable."

I felt like she would have scoffed if she cared more. "Mental stability is insignificant for Magical Girls. What you really need to watch is your emotional stability. Terrible things happen if you leave your feelings unchecked."

That got an eye roll from me. "Well, duh, I know that. Trust me, becoming a witch myself is the absolute last thing I want to do."

"So you also know of our curse?"

I snorted. "'Curse?' Seriously? Is that what people call it? I mean, I can kinda see why, but it's really more of a case of 'forgot to read the fine print.' If anything, it's a negative externality."

She seemed lost. "...a what?"

I blankly stared for a moment, before it hit me, and my hand smacked into my forehead. "Right, I'm a dumbass, of course they don't teach Econ in middle school. Basically, it's an unintended consequence of a deal between two parties that negatively affects a third. Although in this case, the consequence instead hits one of the two dealing parties. But that's semantics - any way you slice it, it's still a market failure."

Another chuckle slipped out of my mouth. "You'd think the rat bastard would've refined its craft to the point where those things didn't happen by now, but then again, it's basically built its entire career off showing an extremely sanitized abridged version of the actual contract to potential buyers instead of the real thing. If he and his business practices were exposed to the rest of the world, he'd be sued for false advertising and a million and one other offenses before you could even say 'capitalism.' And once the government got its hands on it… hoo boy, that wouldn't be a pretty scene at all."

"If only it could be that simple," Homura lamented. "A world where Kyubey and witches could be seen by anyone would be a world without either. Modern firearms may be mundane compared to most things Magical Girls wield, but they work just as well. Once the governments organized their armies, that would be the death knell for every supernatural threat to humanity."

A solitary laugh was squeezed out of my lungs as I set my drink down again. "Figures the girl who pulled both a Beretta and a Glock on me would be the one to say that. I take it you know from personal experience?"

"When all you're given is a shield, you will soon find that creativity, resourcefulness, and improvisation can be just as lethal as any bullet," she sagely advised. "I started with only a golf club, but quickly realized that it was far from enough. So I researched how to create homemade explosives, and worked my way up from there."

I would have whistled if I could, but sadly, that skill has forever eluded me. "Wow. Smart, deadly, quite the looker, and strong as hell." And for some reason, that called up a particular set of lyrics. "Ha. Gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam, guaranteed to blow your mind, anytiiime~. You're a real Killer Queen, eh?"

Her flat glare prompted my next words. "Y'know, I bet if you just lightened up a bit, you'd make everyone swoon."

She flipped her hair in disinterest. "I have no desire for a relationship. Such things are unnecessary for a Magical Girl."

"Huh… you sure about that?" I lifted an eyebrow. "'Cause from what Madoka's told me about you, it seems like you've got a bit of an interest in her. You went out of your way to warn her about this stuff before she even met Coobers, then you actively tried to prevent it from coming into contact with her, and to top it off, you've apparently been following her around during her trial witch hunts. Now, I could just be seeing things that aren't there, but I don't think that's the behavior of someone who just wants to keep competition to a minimum."

I could've sworn I saw her eyes narrow slightly. "And to go a bit further... I don't know about you, but I can't be the only one who notices that Mado ticks almost every box for a standard Magical Girl story protagonist, right? So when she also let slip that she first met you in a dream, of all things… well, I couldn't help but imagine you as a bit of a Tuxedo Mask character, heh."

She wasn't amused. "I would appreciate it if you stopped with the obscure references."

My mouth hung open again, and I fixed her with the most affronted bewildered stare I'd ever given. When she neglected to respond, my palm hit my face, before I indignantly flung my arms outward. "Oh, my god- SAILOR MOON! For fuck's sake, Homu! Jojo I can understand, but the quintessential Magical Girl show that pretty much single-handedly launched the genre into mainstream media?! Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

Thankfully, the subsequent stonewalling of my outburst allowed me to quickly return to the previous point. "No, wait, you're not changing the subject here. Anyway, you've been busy raising quite a few flags with that little pink-haired girl, so tell me… is that relationship purely professional, or is there something a little more personal behind it?"

Homura kept staring for a few seconds before she abruptly stood up. "It's clear to me now that further conversation will serve no real purpose. Thank you for your cooperation, and goodbye." With that said, she began walking off.

Ah, crap! I still haven't had all my questions answered!

"Homura, wait!" I called out, causing her to stop while I got out of my own seat. "I… egh, yeah, that might have been a little too nosy, sorry. But could I ask you about one more thing before you go? Please?"

It took a moment for her to respond. "Fine. What is it?" She sounded more than a little exasperated, so I tried to keep it concise.

"Why?"

She fully turned to me, which I took as a cue to elaborate. "Why did you do this? I mean, after what happened the last time we met - what with me being a suicidally impulsive dumbass and you being a bitch - I didn't think we'd be on speaking terms for at least a good while. So… what made you decide that extending an olive branch was the best course of action instead of just trying to kidnap me again?"

She folded her arms and looked off to the side for a long moment. "...you're an anomaly. A new, unpredictable variable in a sea of constants. After witnessing your willingness to cooperate with Mami Tomoe, I found myself thinking that if we worked with one another rather than against each other, we could minimize the potential sabotaging of each other's goals, whatever they may be. So long as the completion of those goals are not mutually exclusive, that is."

I accepted her reasoning… a lot faster than I thought I would. Looking at it from an objective angle, it actually made a lot of sense, especially when I considered that everything she'd experienced had likely taught her to hold first impressions in a low regard.

Whaddaya know - the little devil's Chronic Truth Omittance Disorder actually saved my bacon. Guess his next death's gonna be a quick and easy one.

"Goals, huh…" I muttered. "And what's yours?"

Her steely gaze bored into mine to drive the point home. "To prevent Madoka Kaname from suffering a fate worse than death."

"Well, how 'bout that." I chuckled. "Mine just so happens to be the survival of everyone in the city through the final assault on ol' Walpy."

"We are in agreement, then." She nodded. "Audrey Erryn, you and I now choose to shoulder the burden of stopping the complete destruction of the city of Mitakihara. In choosing this path, we condemn ourselves to an existence outside the annals of history, to accept the task of solving an impossible problem. In the unlikely event that we survive, we will receive no fame, fortune, or anything that would make such an undertaking worthwhile. The only prize this journey has to offer is unprecedented pain, loneliness, and suffering."

A small, extremely unsettling smile appeared on her face. "Welcome to Hell, Audrey Erryn. I wish you luck in your future endeavors. And when the time comes…" She held out her hand. "You would do well to not disappoint."

...could've gone without the speech, but okay.

A smile of my own matched hers, though mine was much more resigned in comparison. "Right. As if I even had a choice here." I shook my head. "I make no promises. But what I will say is that I'll try my best to live up to your expectations, even if they're unreachable."

I grasped the outstretched hand, firmly shaking it. "You've got yourself a deal, Homu."

With that, she turned on her heel and left, leaving me at the table to finish my root beer. Which I proceeded to drain completely, because I'd be damned if I didn't get my money's worth out of it. I noticed that she'd also left her tea unfinished.

Heh… Mami'd be pissed if she saw that. Kinda wish she didn't waste that myself, but hey, it's her money, not mine. She probably stole it anyways.

I dumped the rest of the liquid into the nearest trash bin while I disposed of my bottle, then left the empty cup at our table and exited the place myself.

...there's no way this is gonna pan out as well as I hope it will, is there? Wonderful…

It took the rest of the walk home for me to realize something crucial.

Wait a second… fuckin' hell, I forgot to get her number!

The next three days were spent agonizing over what to do for the major event that was approaching and going hunting.

The main objective here was ensuring that Mami survived - which might not be as hard as it could be, since all I really needed to do was make sure Homura either didn't get chained up at all, or got set free after the fact. A convenient late arrival could do the trick, but if I couldn't sell it, that might be a problem. There was also the possibility that we could go overboard and arrive too late, but I wagered that wouldn't be an issue, given how quickly Homu got to the center in canon.

Eventually, I realized that this kind of planning was pointless, as minuscule details and other such things were impossible to predict. So I went 'eh, screw this, I'll just wing it.' I mean, it'd been working out fine so far, so why stop now?

The morning of June 4th was preceded by another forgotten nightmare. I woke up with a fading sense of crushing defeat, and reasoned that the subject must have been a failed attempt at saving Mami.

And already, we're off to a bloody amazing start. Man, this is gonna suuuuuuuck…

A trial raged inside my head the entire time I was eating breakfast, with Objections, Hold Its, and Take Thats mentally ringing out every so often. But despite the valiant efforts of my Defense Attorney, Prosecutor, and Judge brain cells, they failed to reach a verdict for the third and last day of debate, and the doors of the cranial courtroom slammed shut for the final time, waiting until some new issue came along that required its use.

Rrgh, this isn't working. I need to distract myself before I start bashing my head against the wall.

Returning to my room, I checked the map and located the city's General Hospital. It hadn't moved an inch since I arrived - the travel time was still a good 30 minutes from where I was right now. In relation to the arcade, the time grew to 45 minutes.

Mmm… stay close, or go further… close, or further…

A minute later, I went "fuck it" and pulled out a coin. Flipping it up, I caught it in my palm and slammed it down on my other arm, peeking at the result.

Arcade it is. RNJesus, you better not have screwed me over.

For the most part, my idea worked. Losing myself in the virtual world was a great way to forget all about the trials and tribulations of reality. But I would have said that it worked a little too well, if I hadn't caught the incoming call that I nearly missed.

It's Madoka… right, we did end up exchanging numbers. Does this mean Mami might arrive early?

I hit the 'accept call' button and lifted my phone up to my ear. "Yeah, what's up?"

"Audrey?! Oh, thank goodness!" She certainly sounded like she'd gotten a load off her chest. "We've got big trouble! There's a Grief Seed lodged in the wall of the hospital, and it's about to hatch!"

So far, no change. "Mami's not with you, is she?"

"No," came the strained reply. "I tried calling her, but she's not picking up. I don't know if anything might have happened, but I'm heading to her house now to see if she's there. I left Sayaka and Kyubey to watch the seed."

It occurred to me then just how unrealistically hopeful that seemed, and even if it could simply be excused by virtue of storytelling, I couldn't help myself from commenting on it. "You left an unenhanced girl to stand guard against a ticking time bomb while you went to find someone who may or may not be where you expect them to?"

"Well, if you have a better idea, I would love to hear it!" The stress in her voice was unmistakable, even with electronic interference.

"Telling Saya to get out of the danger zone would be a good start," I bluntly answered. "But point taken regardless. Unfortunately, I'm at the arcade right now, so it'll be a while before I get there, even if I put pedal to the metal. And that's not counting any unexpected interruptions that I might run into. I'll see what I can do, though."

It was hard to tell if the breath she let out was from relief or exertion. "Thanks so much. Here's hoping this ends up working out okay."

I stopped her right there. "Watch that mouth of yours, pinko. The last thing we want is to have you tempt fate and attract Murphy's attention. Bad things always happen when you do that."

"I'll keep that in mind. Be careful!"

"Back atcha." I ended the call and plotted an express route to the hospital, heading out to the streets at a light run.

One thing I greatly appreciated from my body no longer being entirely human was that my stamina had increased exponentially from what it used to be. In fact, all of my physical capabilities had made leaps and bounds from the transformation. Whereas before I would have been practically out of energy by the time I reached the hospital, now I could cut my travel time by a noticeable margin while hardly being out of breath.

While I was moving, I checked the distance of Mami's home in relation to the hospital, and found it to be relatively close - only around 20 minutes away. But Madoka still had to make a round-trip, meaning she would arrive at around the same time as I would, assuming I didn't go as fast as I could.

If I keep going like this, I'll get there in… 25 more minutes. Sayaka was gone by the time Madoka came back, but I don't know if she'll still be there when I arrive. If she is… that's gonna need some improv to make sure events stay their course as much as possible. But if she isn't, I can probably- wait, stop! Don't think about it! Remember the law of the Unspoken Plan Guarantee!

I spent the remainder of my time in transit vaguely determining my strategy so as to not guarantee its failure because of said law. And when I did finally run up to the entrance of the hospital…

Her bag's there, but no human to be found… thank god. I've done enough flying by the seat of my pants for now.

I heaved a sigh of relief, before revealing the labyrinth and stepping inside.

The lair of the Cheesecake witch looked just as twistedly delicious as it always had. I couldn't see any familiars at the moment, but they could be hiding anywhere, so the last thing on my priority list was dropping my guard.

After a few steps forward, I was contacted.

'Audrey? That's you, isn't it?'

I made a show of mentally sighing. 'Nice to hear you're not dead yet, ya reckless idiot. I'm starting to think that Leeroy Jenkins moment I pulled a few days ago may have been a worse influence than I expected.'

'Well, what was I supposed to do?!' It was hard to tell if this was just her personality that was talking, or her growing anxiety at the situation. 'You're not seriously thinking that Madoka would've been a better choice for this job, are you?!'

A derisive snort conveyed itself over the connection. 'Of course not. What I'm trying to say is that the idea of you, a regular girl, sticking around to watch what's basically a pack of TNT with a lit fuse is one of the most needlessly stupid things I've ever heard. I mean, come on, do the words 'common sense' mean nothing to you?'

'Gaah, you-!' Another, louder noise of frustration hit my brain. 'You know what, let's just save this for when we don't have bigger things to worry about, okay?'

'Fine by me.' Seeing her back off was a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. 'Where are you?'

Kyubey took over. 'We're right next to the Grief Seed. It's very unstable at the moment - a sufficient surge of magic could cause the witch to hatch prematurely. You're going to have to make your way to us in your normal state if you don't want this to become any more dangerous than it already is.'

I groaned as I remembered this part of the story. 'Great. A stealth mission. Now I'm really starting to regret that I never got the chance to play Metal Gear. And I don't even get a freakin' cardboard box! Who designed this stupid thing?!'

'Actually, I doubt it'll be as hard as you think,' it interjected. 'The familiars should be relatively docile, short-sighted, and slow to react since the witch technically hasn't been spawned yet. It won't be the end of the world if one of them sees you for only a second. Just get out of its way, and it should forget you were ever there.'

I thought that description sounded familiar, and my palm once again met my face when I made the connection.

Oh, for… it's Payday 2's weird-ass detection system all over again. The one where you could sprint right through the lobby of a bank toting an assault rifle and nobody would bat an eye so long as you didn't bump into anyone or stay still for too long. Well, this just got a whole lot easi-FUCK!

The action turned into a double facepalm when I realized too late what I had just done.

Perfect. PERFECT! And if all this shit wasn't enough, I just had to go and tempt fate to top it all off! Fan-fucking-tastic job playing yourself, dumbass!

I slumped over with a whining moan, before accepting my sealed fate and marching forward.

Nothing I can do about it now. All that's left is to just sit back, let it happen, and deal with it then.

As if on cue, I heard an assortment of otherworldly noises emanating from a little ways directly in front of me. Lifting my head and allowing my vision to focus itself revealed a fairly large group of Charlotte's minions.

"Oh…"

Despite the fact that it came out as a murmur, the vocalization still inexplicably managed to draw the attention of every single familiar ahead of me, causing them to fall silent while they turned to stare at me.

Since the cat was out of the bag, I figured I might as well finish the line. "...you motherfuckers."

I didn't stick around long after that, bolting away down one of the branching paths I'd noticed near the entrance and leaving behind two simple words for the charging horde hot on my heels to eat up.

"NOT AGAAAAAAAAIN!"

Thankfully, this Benny Hill sequence didn't last as long as the last one did. I was able to lose the mob by ducking behind what looked like a giant cookie after turning a corner, letting the mass of… whatever they were supposed to be motor right past me. That doesn't mean I wasn't still pissed off about how I'd had to go through such a thing a second time, though. Quite the opposite, in fact.

"Fuck Kyubey, fuck this lousy god damn stupid labyrinth, fuck whatever pulled me into this, fuck this shitty timeline, fuck the witch in that damned seed, FUCK IT ALL! NYRAA-"

I'm pretty sure you get the idea. And to add insult to injury, I'd found myself even more hopelessly lost than I already had been at the start. And THEN…

'Uh… Audrey?' Sayaka popped back in. 'Is it just me, or did I just hear a faint scream that sounded a lot like you?'

'I HATE THIS PLAAAAACE!'

'Holy-! Jeez, are you okay?!'

I felt like I was a few moments away from snapping. 'NO! OF FRICKIN' COURSE I'M NOT OKAY! I literally just narrowly escaped being torn apart by a rabid pack of familiars for the second time since I came to this god-forsaken city! And I'm starting to think that the labyrinth itself is actively trying to make me get lost!'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' the incubator piped up. 'Labyrinths that are preparing for their witches to appear are usually still under construction until the Grief Seed hatches, so I would fully expect one like this to have paths that are constantly changing, opening, and closing. Has Mami taught you how to use telepathy to track others yet?'

I stopped. '...no, she didn't. Wonderful… I really shouldn't, but at this point, I'm actually starting to get morbidly curious as to how things could keep going wrong past this point.'

I bumped into another dead end right after saying that, and let the crocodile tears and overexaggerated sobs stream out. "Nnoooooo-ho-ho-hoooooo!"

It took a while to calm down, but thankfully, some good news came when I did. Two new players joined the lobby.

'Kyubey, what's the situation?'

'We're fine, Mami,' he responded. 'At least for now.'

I heaved a sigh of relief before I began moving again. 'Oh, thank god you're here. I was starting to think I'd go insane if I had to put up with this on my own for much longer.'

'Good to hear from you, Audrey. I assume this labyrinth has been giving you trouble?' From anyone else, that would have sounded patronizing, but it wasn't as bad coming from her for some reason.

I groaned again. 'Like you wouldn't believe. Apparently we can't use too much magic or we'll wake up the witch, so I've just been blindly stumbling around for the past fifteen-something minutes, trying to find the center while hiding from any familiars I see since I can't fight 'em.'

'That does sound very annoying,' I heard back. 'How close do you think you are to the seed?'

'No clue whatsoever.' I swore as the corridor I was walking down suddenly closed itself up behind me, locking me onto my current course. 'And I can't retrace my steps because the paths keep changing themselves. That reminds me - when we get out of here, you're teaching me telepathy tracking.'

'Oh, dear. I see this has turned into a fine mess, hasn't it?' A sigh floated over. 'Well, I'm here now, so just keep moving forward and you should eventually reach the seed. If you don't, I should be able to find it in your place and dispose of it.'

My reply was uneasy. 'Ehh, I dunno… my magi-sense is telling me that there's something off about this particular witch. I can't recommend you take it on alone in good conscience, veteran though you may be.' I paused so I could take cover behind a warped-looking giant cherry. 'If it puts Saya in danger, then that's a different story, but if you have the option, try to avoid engaging it until I get there.'

''Magi-sense?'' Sayaka barged in, sounding like she was holding in a mental giggle. 'Is that, like, the Magical Girl's spidey-sense or something?'

'Yeah, exactly like the spidey-sense!' Validation was sweet. 'You see, this is why I'm really starting to like you. You're pretty much the only person here who actually gets my references. Now, if only you took the time to think through your actions more...'

I heard a huff while I left my hiding spot and continued on. 'Man, I thought we were making real progress there, but nope. You just had to go and ruin it.'

'Uh-huh, right.' I took extra care to let the deadpan bleed through my message. 'Remind me again - who's the idiot that decided to charge ahead right into the incredibly dangerous maze full of… whatever those gumdrop-things are?'

'Hey, it worked, didn't it?!' She shot back instantly.

'Yeah, once,' I countered. 'Lady Luck must be smiling on you today. In any other instance, you'd be a stain on the wall right about now. C'mon, didn't your parents ever tell you to look before you leap?'

'Way too many times.' Madoka finally broke her silence. 'She never listens, though. I think it just started becoming a habit around… a year ago? No, wait, two years. Especially because of the bully incident.'

'Wha- Madoka!' I could almost see the cartoonish speech bubble with her panicked face on it pop up. 'I thought we agreed to never talk about that again!'

The girl in question then realized what she'd unintentionally said. 'AAH! Sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry! I didn't mean to say that! It just sort of… slipped out…'

The reaction caused our scout to backpedal slightly. 'No, no, it's… it's fine. You didn't say anything else, so it's no big deal.'

I smell a Noodle Incident… eh, whatever. Those never get revealed to the audience, so it's pointless to ask. Instead…

'Well, uh, in any case…' I awkwardly began. 'Mami, just make sure you don't attract any attention and try to get over to Saya at a relatively fast pace. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.'

'Right,' she affirmed. 'Kyubey, how much time do we have until the witch hatches?'

'Enough to give you some leeway on how you approach,' was his report. 'If you're in a tight spot, you can sacrifice a bit of travel speed to avoid using magic and we'll still be okay.'

That seemed to satisfy her. 'Roger that. Audrey, do try to find your way to the center in a timely manner, all right?'

'I'll do my best.' I grumbled as I found myself at another dead end. 'I make no promises, though.'

More of the same followed after that. But unlike before, I started to get worried. If I didn't find my way to the center soon, there would be no stopping The Chomp. The more time passed, the worse my anxiety got, and some of the near-misses I had with the patrolling familiars didn't help matters.

The tension ramped up drastically when I heard the warning.

'Mami! Audrey! The Grief Seed's started moving! It's about to hatch! Hurry!'

The response was quick. 'We're on it! Today just became a special occasion, so I plan to make short work of this witch!'

I figured I should probably say something, too. 'No need for stealth anymore, huh? Thank god. I was getting tired of all this tedious sneaking around. Cover your ears, 'cause things are about to get loud!'

Shit! I'm running out of time! If I don't get there fast enough, we're all screwed!

I flared up, drawing my sword and blasting forward. The familiars, suddenly riled up as they were, attempted to block my path, but every last one fell in flashes of gold-tipped silver. I made sure to pay them back twofold for all the misery they'd been causing me since I got here.

The dead ends still caused me no end of frustration, though. But there was a silver lining - the pathways had stopped rearranging themselves, finalizing the design as the witch was hatching. This allowed me to finally backtrack properly, and find a better route.

And wouldn't you know it, that silver lining ended up giving me a shining ray of hope.

Wait a minute. Up ahead, is that-?

A set of glowing red and yellow ribbons came into view, acting as the prison of a certain girl who was ensnared a few feet above the ground.

HOLY SHIT, YES! All is not lost!

I sprinted towards the bindings, then got impatient enough to simply send a few blade beams at the strands anchoring them to the walls. The girl fell to the ground, black hair splaying itself across the multicolored floor. While she was lifting herself up, I knelt down next to her and brought my dormant sword up, pointing it at the lock that secured the ribbons.

"Hold still for a sec. I don't wanna burn you." Triggering the laser blade caused it to pierce right through the magical metal, destroying the lock and causing the ribbons to go slack and fall away. "There we go!"

Homura got to her feet and turned to me, presumably about to speak, before she was interrupted by a transmission that caused the tension to go from 100 to over 9,000. 'Audrey, we made it to the center, but the witch has locked us all in. I know you said I should wait for you, but the way things are, I don't see any other option but to fight it. My apologies!'

I reflexively threw out a "fuck!" in response. I then felt Homura grab my shoulder, and my attention.

"In any other circumstances, I wouldn't do this, but there's no time left, so I must ask that you keep this a secret from everyone. Now, take my hand and do not let go."

I did as she told, clasping the limb in an iron grip and preparing for what would come next. A second later, and the instant that would have followed was halted in its tracks as time suddenly stopped. When it did, she shot forward, and I was pulled along for the ride as we desperately raced to prevent the turning point that would send the plot spiraling into despair.

Time would stutter at regular intervals, going back into motion for an instant before the chronoshield twisted again and re-froze the world. I likely would've been disoriented as all hell if I had the mind to focus on it, but the pumping adrenaline and single-minded pursuit of my current objective kept my sight sharp and my stomach undisturbed.

Eventually though, we at last made it to the entrance to the center. Drawing my sword, I stabbed it forward, letting loose a spike of energy that blew the door locking its occupants inside to pieces. With no further obstacles, we accelerated through the smoking remains and emerged into the antechamber.

Just in time to see Charlotte's giant worm-fly mouth preparing to close itself on Mami's neck.

A scream built up in my throat as the jaws came down. When the teeth were centimeters from her flesh, I heard a whirring click, and felt a sharp pain in my wrist, causing my hand to recoil.

I blinked, and all of a sudden, Mami was gone, replaced by a brief flash of gray before the witch's lips met. Two seconds later, a massive fireball erupted from its mouth, causing its head to cartoonishly balloon outward and cough out a plume of smoke.

The pounding in my head kept me from paying attention to anything else, sending out a stream of curved energy arcs at its dazed face before extending my blade and bringing it down on what I guessed to be its back. Unsurprisingly, I encountered a lot of resistance, but in the end, it wasn't able to hold up to the sheer force I was outputting, powered by overloading amounts of rage and fear. The chrome beam split the witch in half, severing its head from its tail, which fell to the ground and were subsequently hit by an unrelenting barrage of explosions, becoming subjected to several tons' worth of TNT before finally succumbing to the onslaught.

It took a few moments to realize that the danger was gone. I was breathing heavily, practically dead on my feet, hearing my unbearably noisy pulse easily and feeling the adrenaline beginning to drain away. My arms fell to my sides and I slumped over slightly, my sword disappearing as I flashed back to my normal state.

Wait- MAMI! Where is she?!

My head swiveled around a few times, before I caught sight of my partner. She was lying flat on the floor, unmoving, mouth and eyes wide and pupils dilated. Her chest was rising up and down, so it was clear that she wasn't dead. Just… in shock, likely, judging by how small the expansions were. I dashed over, nearly bumping into the cotton candy duo when they did the same.

Uhh, treat for shock, treat for shock, remember the fuckin' treatment, damn it! Ummm… ah! Reassurance, right? Yeah! Positive encouragement! Do that!

I lifted the blonde up to a sitting position, lightly shaking her in hopes of snapping her back to awareness. "Hey! Hey, Mami! You're not dead! You're still alive! It's over! You're fine! The witch is gone! You're safe!" Words streamed out of my mouth, going so fast that I tripped over several of them in my frantic ad hoc attempts at a half-remembered emergency procedure.

All of a sudden, she shrieked and summoned a musket, raising it up and firing it forward towards nothing and sending the other three of us jerking back. Her breathing sped up, sounding uncomfortably close to hyperventilating, before her arm dropped and the weapon disappeared. Her respiratory speed slowed back down, and tears began to stream from her eyes as she returned to her school uniform. Back up the arms went, hands covering her face as broken sobs left her mouth.

We crowded back around her, holding her tightly in hopes of conveying that everything was going to be okay. I then finally recognized that footsteps were approaching us, and looked up to find Homura carrying Charlotte's Grief Seed. She stared for a moment, then chucked the seed towards us. It bounced and rolled along, coming to a stop at Mami's feet. The clinking noises it made attracted the attention of the other two, who directed their focus towards the new object, and from there, the transfer student.

"Let this serve as a reminder to you all," she gravely stated. "Death can strike from nowhere and claim you when you least expect. I cannot stress enough how extraordinarily lucky you were today. An instant later, and Mami Tomoe would've been lost to the world, and soon after, you along with her. That is what it means to be a Magical Girl."

She turned away as the labyrinth fizzled out, the background changing back to late afternoon sunlight on white hospital walls. "Never forget what you have seen here today. And know that this is what you will face, should you make the mistake of contracting." She left those parting words to echo in our minds as she left, walking off to who knew where.

I left Madoka and Sayaka to support the cracked veteran while I went to grab the Grief Seed. I gazed at it, then at Homura's retreating form, before turning back to the group and kneeling over Mami, whose Soul Gem was darker than it should've been.

A/N: Sometimes, trying to get ahead in life isn't the best option. You might find yourself losing your head if you do it too much. Thankfully, it seems Mami still has her head screwed on straight. (For now, at least.) ...okay, I'll stop.

Hoo, boy. What a rollercoaster that was, huh? First Homura, then this. Crossing my fingers that I didn't just give the blonde PTSD, but I'm sure you med-nerds out there can figure out if I did. (Spoiler alert: I totally did. OR DID I?!)

On a lighter note, more banter! And Homu is actually a supremely uncultured swine. I mean, sure, everything Audrey referenced is 50-plus years old, but that's still no excuse, damn it! Then again though, the failure to recognize Jojo did end up saving her from a supremely awkward conversation, so… yay, I guess? And I'm absolutely sure that there is no possible way for that comment to come back and bite her in the ass at some point in the future! (Not really. Still deciding what I want to do with that, if I want to do anything with it in the first place.)

By the way - what the hell are those familiars even supposed to be? They're like gumdrops, but with the coloration of a fruit fly or something. Eh, whatever, it's not like it really matters. They're all dead now.

But speaking of references, there's… Jesus, five-something of 'em in this chapter alone? Wow. I mean, pop culture was integral to Audrey's upbringing, but I have no idea whether or not this counts as Reference Overdosed. I suppose you'll have to be the judge of that, eh?

Let's see, next time… I think Sayaka might get a bit more priority. Well, obviously, considering that her arc is the focus for most of episodes four through… eight or something? Sheesh, that's like a whole third of the show. Then after that, I get the feeling someone's gonna start painting the town red. And they also happen to have baggage, because of course they do.

T-T-T-T-Th-T-Th-T-Th-That's all, folks!