Lover's Fool

Chapter 3. Waking up from Oblivion

Disclaimer I do not own Gravitation but this stories plot belongs to me so sue if you all that you're going to get is a piece of mold and some lent.

Warnings: Death fic, Suicide, and all around Shuichi angst.

Geez, when I started this fic I had no idea it be this popular or that I get reviews with such feelings, thank you everybody. I have decided to write a sequel to this fic. Though I don't know what I'm gong to call yet. But I would like to thank

Black Angel of Destruction I will write the sequel don't fear.

Kolie I wrote this flick because I could relate to it some levels and I'm happy as well as sad that I have so many readers that can as well, Please don't cry. And thank for reviewing I'm glad you enjoyed this story

Tangerine-asuka thank you very much and I'm glad that you want to see the sequel

Beatngufan for the review, please don't cry. I love angst as well.

Lara for her review, here is the next chapter sorry about the wait I hope it is filled with angst fun for you.

Sansty-san who has reviewed twice, thank you, thank you, thank you,

And Eitriarch who has reviewed three times. Thank you for that and yes in some ways I can relate to this story and Shu. I also believe that the only way a writer can truly express themselves is by experiencing something like it.

So any way I just wanted to thank you all very much and hope you enjoy chapter 3. I'm so glad that you took the time to read and thank you all again!

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I can hear it, that dripping. It's soft at first, whispering in my ears. Echoing in the distant, but coming ever closer like a ticking clock. It's louder now as it continues a constant rhythm, boring into the base of my skull. Brushing over me with the finest of touches. My head hurts.

That's all that my mind can register as I lay paralyzed. That and as too where I'm lying, I have no clue and no desire to process it further. My body aches, and my skin is cold. As if winter had caress me with its hands, breathing its icy breath upon me. Chilling me to the bone and making me shiver in discontent.

There it is again, that dripping sound. I know that it is there, it mixes with everything else causing me to shudder internally inside. I feel hollow and the same feelings of being broken dawn in my mind, waiting for it to reawaken and process them further. But I don't want to, all of this pointless thinking is too much. I can't move my body, I know that. My limbs, if I still possess them, are compatible to lead. They're on fire, scorching me straight to the bone.

I feel like I will be either consumed in ice of winter or by the embers and left to burn. But it's all for the better, I don't think I want to move even if I could. My throat feels like it has completely closed off, it's dry. Like I have just eaten the entire contents of a desert's floor. I feel dirty, filthy, and even more unfit for the world, but I don't know if this feeling is just physically or mentally.

I think and all it is too…it hurts…I want to stop. I want to open my eyes but I can't. Where am I? That dripping is becoming incisive now. Its booms in my ears, I can't stand it, my head is pounding. I know I have to get up, something keeps telling this. This very fact is constant in my mind. A reminded for me to do something, I have to open them. But I don't want to, I want to stay lost. I want to stay forgotten in this false darkness that my mind grants me. Even though it is also granting me pain beyond pain as well. But I have to open my eyes, that voice won't stop.

They are crusted to face; my long, black, lashes heavy with sleep dust. They stick to my skin as I will my amethyst iris open. It is hard and it causes me pain as they pull apart. But I force them open and immediately regret the action as I snap them shut again. Light somehow managed to fill that dank room that I am in while I was incapacitated, and blared in with full force the moment I lifted my lids to greet the sun.

I squinted, not doing much else and lifted my head. Feeling a sudden and not to kind wave of nausea and dizziness strike me at the small movement, as I decided to try this again. I slowly opened them, letting the light bombard my pupils, as I waited for them to adjust. Finding that this, would not come soon.

I couldn't see anything, everything in my vision vicinage of sight, was nothing more than a blur of fuzz. The images that my eyes saw were discolored and two dimensional, as I raised my head and instantly regretted that too. I was on my side; I found that part of my body had ceased its functions as I tried to move. The pain that that action caused me was nothing short but escheating. Every nerve on fire, simple jolts sending shocks down spine and to my numb system.

My head swam and I found that I was in desperate need of water. I felt the sickening need to throw up, and the questionable feeling that somehow I was alive but slowly dying. That this, was somehow a delusion of my mind and I was, perhaps, passed out on my couched sleeping off a hangover or was anywhere but here. But I knew that this wasn't true, that this was the truth because…apart of me wanted it to be.

I pushed my right palm up, my nails that I let grow out scraping against the tile as I slide by body on floor. The blood was dried all around me and suddenly memories came rushing back to me. Hitting me at full, like a ton of bricks. Making my head feel like it would truly split in two from the pressure and crack. And yet through all of this, I loved it. It reminded me of the night before, even though this pain did not bring the nothingness that I craved. It did inflict a sense of release.

I let out another groan as I moved my left arm the wrong way. It dragged at my side, limply tucked in. The blood had dried over the fleshly inflected wounds as well. Leaving thin scabs that I would probably pick at till they bleed and crimson once again flowed down my arms. My clothes, I noticed as I inched my head, were a mess. Soaked and flecked with grim, the smell that they emitted filled me. Making me once again threaten to lose whatever was in my stomach, but knowing very well it would just be alcohol. I did however, wonder what I would look if I choose to glance into a mirror. But, it would probably the same as it was every other night. Just a reflected image of a person that was tired and defeated, this time just more abused.

I knew now, that I had pushed my limits almost past their breaking points last night. I had danced with the devil, so to speak for one brief moment. I had floated on the eve of death and that void of the greater beyond. For one spit second I was truly free, there was no falseness or make believe, just peace. I had tasted it, and I knew that I couldn't go back to want I had before. It was like a siren, calling out to me in the night to damn me into oblivion. A deity of the eternal peace and retrenched silence. But now the question was, could I pursue it?

All of this thinking is killing me, like a dull fire blazing softly inside my head. But I still continue doing it, as I put one arm in front of me and propel myself forward. I truly am the idiot. I knew what this was doing to me but yet I still do it. It is that constant will to disobey everyone that keeps me going. Hai, I truly am a child. But a child wouldn't be laying here on the floor; a child would instead be comforted by the ones that loved and cared for him. So if I truly am a child, why aren't I sheltered from the world's harsh realties?

My legs have seemed to have lost all feeling in them, just like the rest of my body. My vision steadies itself but does not improve, sending shooting pain coursing through my temple. This however doesn't improve the outline of shapes that loom in front of me. Though I can deal with this pain, too many mornings with hangovers and headaches have forced to make a resistance to them. I drag my self forward in inches, only to succeed in sending more trembles of agony through me. This pain I can't stand, but then again I can. It is not that much different from anything else but still it cuts me, and still I bask in it.

"You fucked up again Shuichi," I croaked out through cracked lips as I continued my crawl. Somehow those words didn't seem like mine, and disfigured images of Hiro and the others flashed through me. It would make more sense that they would say that than me, perhaps they were here right now watching my struggle. Laughing at my pathetic ness and over stupidity that I press down to hard. "Hn,"

I made it out of the "bathroom" and into the hallway, shrieking slightly as I bumped into the table. Causing sake bottles to fall on top of me and brake. I wait till it all settles and once again began my track, cursing under my breath as I put force into my pushes. My need for liquid becoming stronger. I knew that If didn't drink something soon I was sure to pass out again but this time I would at least like to rise my mouth out and give in to my body's needs.

I'm almost there I think as I spy the kitchen's entrance. Sweat runs down my forward clumping my bangs together, making them stick to my brow. I can make out the kitchens structure, it's broken and mismatched chairs, that tin can I call a refrigerator, "th----AHHGGG!"

I let a scream scraping my throat raw as I tumble, flipping over and landing onto my back. Lying spread out eagle style. My mouth, despite the way my body shook, turned up in a snaky pout as I laid there. My breathing laggard and forced. I had forgotten the raised step that leads into the kitchen's entrance. "

I-I…shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be moving. I shouldn't be living here in this hell while….while… "I NEED WATER!" I screamed suddenly and push myself up. Letting out a shriek at the pain that shot through my arm, but I wasn't going to stop. I had enough of this and just like the night before, I had pushed my limits to the max and soon was going to break from the strain.

I stood shakingly, ready to collapse with the gentlest of pushes. My vision, failing me. Dizziness engulfing me as my altitude changed as I stood to my full height. I stumbled forward, knocking the chairs over in my wake as I reached out greedily and grasped the door to the ice box in desperation. Pulling it open with everything I had. I could feel my legs giving way beneath me, as I blindly reach into that barren container. Grasping the jug and pulling the top off I bring it roughly to my parched lips.

The instant that cold substance hit, my body consumed it like a sponge. Soaking up every drop. My knees finally give out and I push the jug further up. Bringer my head back as water flows down my neck and I almost choke in attempt to drink it all. It hits my stomach and the lack of blood, fluids, and nutrients forces me almost to throw up but still I drink. My fingers clutching at the plastic till my strength gives out and I fall. Letting the bottle go, it splashes and rolls besides me as I lay coughing on the floor. Till I tilt my head and at last finally hack up my stomachs contents.

I roll on my back, one arm on my stomach my legs crossed over each. My eyes are glazed over and frosted "but it wouldn't matter I can't see" I think. Before darkness once again claims me.

Hn, this truly is pointless, a waste of time to try and save myself but I have nothing better to do. I don't remember much after I passed out the second time. The fiery fever that possessed me and burned kept my mind locked in a state of delusional, fantasy bordering on the thin line of reality. It let me taste enough of it just enough to keep me sane but enough to drive crazy as I lay immobilized. If that was what you would call it.

I remember waking up in same position and throwing up again. Twitching, every few seconds before I gathered up enough strength to crawl to the refrigerator and gulped down more water. I knew that I had to keeping drink to get my body stabilized. My vision was still impaired but I figure I have to wait awhile for it to go back to normal. I decided, probably against my better judgment, not to go to the hospital.

All they would have done was asked pointless questions and probably call someone that I knew. Despite the offers of sex and money the deprived doctors would question my sanity and why someone would choose to crave the words NO MEANING into my skin. And that was not something I could handle right now. Did not real like being treated like a lab rat to be poked and stared at. Even though the hospital meant all the lovely drugs, I do doubt morphine high is going to help my current state.

I did manage to find out that I had been unconscious for most of the day and now late into the night. I had managed to drag myself to the couch, snagging a bottle of aspirin on the way. My legs have regained some feeling but I can't shake the feeling of being a dumbbell. My pain has subsided do four or five aspirin. So now I have to worry about an overdose of that too.

I knew K and the others were probably all angry at me, furious would be the correct term. I had failed to show up today and I probably will fail the rest of the week. Even with my new risqué life-style I still went everyday to work. Why? I have no clue? That question managed to elude me. We had a big concert coming and we ,well they, were all working hard. All I had to was write the songs and show up. Hn, they would not be happy about this.

I can see them now, their angry faces, looking down at me. But I could go in and then pass out in front of everyone. That would be great. You know, they probably all got there early and waited the entire day for me to show. It doesn't matter; all I have to worry about is one of them actually tracking me down. Which I suppose might lead to some entertainment.

I suppose that it was better that I didn't show up. For the next two day I hardly left the couch. It was my prison as well as my sanctuary. When I did leave it, it was only to get more water and medicine. Aspirin, cough syrup, flu spray, you name. Whatever it was I took it, I didn't even know I even had it in the house.

My body was slowly recovering and now I could move as far the second floor before feeling like I was going to pass out returned to haunt me. I patched up my arm, making sure it wouldn't get infected. I didn't want any more problems. The scabs I picked till they wore away. Taking pleasure in the sensation it caused. It words I had craved stood out upon my skin like a beckon in the night, shining brightly in darkness. I couldn't help but stare and trace my fingers along them, the growing itch forming again as I did this little act. But I pushed the urge away and hide my "art" from the world.

Another day passed and felt myself returning to what I was before. If you could classify me as any that is. I barely dragged myself off the couch to greet the day, knowing that everyone was royally pissed by now. I spent the rest of it restless and uncaring. Just lost in my weaken state. When I did decide to get, I decided to face the music and check my messages. It had been three after all, my lack of absence could be called selfish and irresponsible on my part. At least to their eyes.

My answering machine is a broken down and ducked tape piece of junk that made me wondered way I even owned it, let alone worked. There was only one message on it, as stood before it and I knew what to except. I paused when I heard K yelling, I could barely make out Sakano trying to keep him from shooting the phone. I heard a couple of gun shots and clashes and then Hiro's voice came on. A feeling of a boding was stirring in me, but I didn't know why.

This was after was the way people were supposed to acted when angry, they were supposed be disappointed. I expected him yell, all of this was going rather well in my opinion. Though I didn't even half to listen if I choose. I could just delete this message right here and now, I didn't even have to go into work ever again either. I could just stay here, disappear from them all. I know that they would all be grateful. But I don't turn it off, instead I keep listening as Hiro talks.

He doesn't yell, instead he's quiet. I can tell he is hesitant as he pauses. I can hear the background noise of K chasing Sakano around with the magnum. Hiro doesn't speak at first, the seconds tick by and then he finally does. His voice is low and I can barely make out the emotions in it. He says that I let him down, and I should show up to work tomorrow. That's it, already the lecture I was expecting from him considering the ones he has delivered to me in the past. Though I hardly notice the change in his demeanor as the phone clicks off. It isn't the time he's said something like that to me and I know it won't be the last.

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Okay first I'm so, so, so sorry it took me so long to update and also THIS is not the finale chapter. Sorry I know I said it would be but I had some computer problems and couldn't type. So NEXT chapter will be it, I promise and I will try to get it published with as soon as I can. Got a really good ending and a great idea for my sequel. So gomen everybody so about making this story so long but you guys seem to like it.