Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
S 2, Ep. 7
"Market Value"
written by
WildDogJJ
Casa Carbone, day...
It's Thanksgiving and Jim and Kevin were standing in the driveway enjoying the cool November air.
"I love Thanksgiving," said Kevin, "You get to, like, totally stuff your face then burp and poop all you want. It's awesome."
Jim said "I can think of several things to be thankful for this year. I'm thankful that I drive a Camaro ZL1. I'm thankful that you, me, Chuck and Jamie are gonna be in a focus group on Black Friday to give General Motors valueble feedback. I'm especially thankful that this year it's Mom's turn to spend Thanksgiving with us. My father always finds a way to make family gatherings a nightmare."
Kevin asked "So, your Mom's here."
Jim nodded. "Mom's such a great guest. She helps out, she never complains, she gets along great with everyone."
Kevin asked "Who else you have over this year?"
Jim said "Well, this year Quinn's parents are on another cruise while Daria is spending it with Jane and her family, so it's just me, Quinn, the boys, Chris and Mom." Jim allowed himself a sigh of relief before continuing. "I'm just glad it's Mom's turn to spend Thanksgiving with us. Dad's really been getting on everyone's nerves lately."
No sooner has Jim finished saying that when Tony's Silverado pickup truck comes racing up the street. It pulls into Jim's driveway and stops. Tony emerges from the driver's side while Jennifer comes out the passenger side.
Taking one look at Kevin, Tony barked "Have you actually gotten fatter, fatty?"
Kevin said "Sir, yes, sir. Nice to see you, Sergeant Major."
"Dad," said Jim, "What are you doing here!?"
Tony barked "It's Thanksgiving and I'm hungry."
Jim said "Dad, this year was Mom's turn to spend Thanksgiving with us."
Tony said "I'm making up for not being here last year."
Jim said "Because last year you were on probation for trying to take the kids to a whore house."
Tony said "Well, now I'm spending it here and..." he puts his mouth right to Jim's ear, "...YOU WILL FUCKING TAKE IT, YOU GODDAMNED FAGGOT! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?"
Jim doesn't answer, so Tony gets in his face.
"I SAID DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, YOU PUSSY ASS WASTE OF SPERM!"
Jim said "But, Dad, Mom's here."
"No problem," said Tony, "She can eat in the back yard. JENNIFER, GET MY BAGS WOMAN!"
Jennifer gets the luggage out of the car while Tony makes his way into the house. Jim has a sinking feeling.
The dinning room, a short time later...
Jim and Quinn were setting the table. Quinn was visibly upset by the fact that Tony and Jennifer have decided to crash Thanksgiving dinner.
Jim said "Now, in addition to the stuff we usually don't talk about in front of Dad I don't want him to know that while we're at The Mall Of The Millenium tomorrow I'm participating in a focus group."
"Jim," said Quinn, "How can you even think about that right now!? Your father's here and determined to ruin Thanksgiving!"
Trying to be upbeat, Jim said "Well, maybe this year he'll behave himself."
Quinn gave her husband a 'who are you kidding' look.
"Well, okay," said Jim, "But whatever you do, don't mention the focus group."
Deciding to change the subject, Quinn said "Okay. While you're in the focus group tomorrow I'll get a head start on Christmas shopping while Chris keeps the boys distracted. By the way, I want us all on the road five in the morning."
Jim's eyes went wide.
"Dammit, Quinn," he whined, "I haven't woken up that early since Dad stopped subjecting me to morning PT drills!"
Quinn said "Jim, the Mall of The Millenium is a two-hour drive and it's Black Friday. If we aren't the first ones in when they open those doors all the good stuff will be sold out."
Jim sighed.
Later...
Everyone was seated at the table for Thanksgiving dinner. Tony sat at one end while Jim sat at the other. Jim was saying Thanksgiving grace.
"...and we thank you, God, for Dad forgetting our carefully worked out parent rotation system so that we could all spend this year together as a family." He makes a sign of the cross as he continues, "In name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen."
Everyone else makes a sign of the cross and says "Amen".*
*(the Carbones are Catholic)
The whole family starts to eat.
"You know," said Chris, "I'm really looking forward to going to the Mall of The Millenium this year."
Tony hissed "You would, you fuckin' woman! You couldn't even keep your goddamn wife in line. No wonder Brook was fuckin' half of Hollywood, ya weak-ass cuck."
Chris starts to cry as Quinn stares daggers at Tony.
"Tony, how could you!?"
Tony said "Easy. I just told him the truth, he's a beta pussy!"
Tony takes a bite of turkey and immediately spits it out.
"THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT! GINA, DID YOU MAKE THIS!?"
Gina ignored her ex-husband as Quinn angrily said "I made it, and I'll thank you not to insult the boys' grandmother in front of them."
Smiling, Gina said "Thank you, Quinn."
Tony barked "Gina's not the boys' grandmother, Jennifer is!"
Teddy snarked "Despite her being four years younger than our father."
Tony pointed his knife at Teddy.
"DON'T TALK BACK!"
Quinn hissed at Tony "And YOU don't dare threaten my kids!"
Tony decided to get back to laying into his ex-wife. "I ever tell you about the time Gina tried to poison me with tainted veal?"
Remembering the incident, Gina protested "It was Veal Marsala, Tony. Nothing more."
Tony ominously said "It was cyanide, bitch! Doesn't surprise me, you were always a shit cook."
Jim nervously said "Dad, I like Mom's cooking."
"DON'T BACKTALK ME, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SEMEN!"
Jim immediately shut up on pure reflex.
Continuing his rant, Tony said "Yeah, she never could satisfy me. Still, as bad as Gina was in the kitchen...SHE WAS EVEN WORSE IN THE BEDROOM!"
Everyone gasped in shock when Tony said that. One could now hear a pin drop.
"What!?" said Tony, "I'm saying Gina was lousy in the sack. I'm not kidding. Sex with her was like fucking a sack of rotten potatoes."
Gina visibly felt humiliated while Jim buried his face in his hands out of embarrassment.
"Dammit, Dad," Chris barked, "You can bust on me and Jim all you want but leave Mom alone!"
Tony leapt out of his chair, went over to Chris and punched him so hard that he fell to the floor.
"DON'T EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU CASTRATED INGRATE!"
Chris nervously nodded.
Jim wanted to become invisible but dared not intervene for fear of making the situation worse.
The master bedroom, later that evening...
Jim and Quinn were getting ready to go to sleep.
Jim said "Sorry about my Dad."
Quinn curtly said "Jim, your father barged in here uninvited and spent dinner insulting everyone, including your mother."
"I know," said Jim, "I'm just glad the worst is over." I hope.
With a frustrated sigh, Quinn said "Let's just go to sleep. The sooner we do that, the sooner I can start pretending this Thanksgiving never happened."
At this point there's a knock on the door.
"Come in," said Quinn.
Gina entered. "Quinn," she said, "I just wanted to thank you for the lovely meal and apologize for my ex-husbands insults."
Touched, Quinn said "Thanks, Gina. Also, you don't have to apologize. Tony's the one who owes an apology."
Smiling, Gina said "Goodnight, Quinn."
Quinn said "Goodnight, Gina."
Gina then turned to Jim and scowled. In a hostile tone she said "Goodnight...son."
With that, she left. His mother's hostile tone sailed completely over Jim's head.
"Mom took it well."
Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "You didn't hear the hurt tone in her voice, did you?"
Jim said "If Mom were upset with me, she'd say so."
Quinn rolls her eyes again. Even a guy as smart as Jim can be so clueless when it comes to how women communicate.
"Jim," she said, "You defend Ronald Reagan more than you defend your mother."
Jim said "Come on, Quinn. Mom knows how it is with Dad, and Reagan won the Cold War."
"Ugh!"
Early the next morning...
It's still dark when Quinn, Jim, the boys, Gina, Tony and Jennifer exit the house and make their way to the cars. Chris approaches from across the street.
"Ready?" Chris asked.
Jim said "Okay, Chris, remember the plan. You keep the boys distracted while Quinn shops for their Christmas presents."
Meanwhile, Tony blurted out "I hope me and Jennifer didn't keep everyone up last night. That's having a hot young wife for yas."
He sniffs the air in Gina's direction.
"Damn, I forgot how much old used up cunts stink!"
Visibly offended, Gina walked up to Chris.
"Chris, can I trade places with you?"
Her eldest son nodded in agreement. With that, Quinn, Gina and the boys got in Quinn's Cadillac while Jim, Chris, Tony and Jennifer got in Jim's Camaro.
Pennsylvania, an hour later...
Jim's Camaro is heading west on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Inside, Jim was driving while Tony rides in the front and Chris and Jennifer ride in the back. Tony glared menacingly at his younger son. Jim doesn't have really long hair. His brown hair is only long enough to touch his ears. However, since Tony considers anything longer than a military buzz long, he thinks this is a hippie haircut.
"Goddammit, Jim," Tony barked, "When are you gonna get a haircut, you fucking hippie!?"
Jim sighed "Dad, this hairstyle is pretty conservative by today's standards."
Tony said "Only because communist peaceniks are ruining this country with their freedom hating touchy feelie crap. Back in the nineties we even had a draft dodging pothead in the White House...and don't even get me started on the freedom hating n$%%&^ Obama!"
Jim pleaded "Can we PLEASE talk about something else?"
"Good idea," said Tony, "We can talk about how your mother's all frumpy and used up."
Jim sighed. This car ride can't end soon enough.
Mall Of the Millenium, later...
They are all gathered at the entrance.
Quinn said "Okay, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy, I want you three to stick with Uncle Chris while I go look for the place to drop off your lists for Santa."
Tommy and Timmy looked excited while Teddy rolled his eyes. While Tommy and Timmy still believe in Santa Claus Teddy was still in diapers when he figured out how it really works.
Jim, not wanting his father or Jennifer to know that he's participating in a focus group, lied and said "I'm gonna head off and buy surprise gifts for everyone."
Tony said "Well, I'm off to Football World. Wanna see if they got the new NFL Cheerleaders Lingerie Calender in."
As they all head off in their own directions Chris turns his attention to the three T's.
"Okay, boys," he said, "If anyone asks I'm your father and your mother is a crack whore who ran out on us. Got it?"
Timmy asked "Why do you want us to lie, Uncle Chris?"
"Yeah," said Tommy, "What gives?"
With a roll of his eyes Teddy explained "He wants to pick up girls and hopes to score sympathy points by claiming to be a down on his luck single parent."
The mall offices, a short time later...
Jim was walking to the conference room where the focus group is gonna be. He saw Jamie approach from the opposite direction.
"Ready?" Jim asked.
Jamie answered "You bet."
They entered the conference room. Inside was a huge table, a large mirror and a covered car in the corner. That car is the product they're going to be reviewing. Three other members of the focus group were already there. One was a thirty-something man in a business suit with slick, black hair, a spray tan and lots of bling. The other two were Angela Li and Tom Sloane.
"Reverend Li!?" said Jim, "You're here!? I figured a denomination as radical as yours would consider this a sin."
Li's only response was to sigh, which surprised everyone.
Jim then made his way to Tom.
"Hey, man, been awhile."
Jim and Tom shook hands. While they'd been dormmates at Bromwell, they's obviously drifted apart over the years.
"Hey, Jim," He acknowledged Jamie, "Jamie."
Jamie just smiled politely. He hoped it didn't show that Jamie felt threatened by the fact that Tom had briefly dated his wife back before they met.
Jim and Jamie take their seats. Suddenly, Chuck and Kevin ran in and took their seats. Both Jamie and Jim notice the worried looks on their faces.
"What's wrong?" asked Jamie.
Kevin said "Nothing's wrong, Jeremy" in a tone that strongly indicates otherwise.
Jamie groaned "Something is wrong...and my name's Jamie."
Jim gave Chuck a piercing look.
"Okay," Chuck admitted, "We ran into your father on the way here."
Kevin said "Dude, I was just being nice to the Sergeant Major."
Pointing to Kevin, Chuck explained "Genius here blabbed about the focus group to your father, Jim."
Jim's eyes go wide.
"Oh, God!"
He ran to the door, hoping to close it before Tony showed up. Just as he's about to close the door Tony's right there.
"Okay, Dad," said a very nervous Jim, "You probably wouldn't be interested in this, so..."
Tony shoves Jim aside and barges in.
"Out of my way, pussy!"
Tony takes a seat at the table. Jim gulps with dread as he now has to spend four hours locked in a room with his father AND Angela Li.
Act II
Mall Of the Millenium...
Kevin, Jamie, Jim, Chuck, Tony, Rev. Li, Tom and the guy with too much jewelry were seated at a conference table. At the head of the table sits a skinny red-haired man in a business suit with a laptop.
"Allow me to introduce myself," said the red-haired man, "My name is Alvin Lloyd of FutureVision Marketing. My job will be to unveil the latest model GM vehicle and report back on your opinions to the General Motors Corporation. Now, before we begin, I'd like you all to tell me your names, what you do and a little about yourselves." He turned to the man with jewelry and slick hair. "Let's start with you."
In a New York/New Jersey accent, the man said "My name's Frank Colombino. I currently run Colombino Cheverolet, Colombino Ford, Colombino Toyota and I may soon be running Colombino Cadillac." With a sigh, Frank added "My father's not doing so well."
"Dude, I thought I recognized you," said Kevin, "You sold me an Escort!"
Turning to Kevin, Mr. Lloyd said "And you are?"
"Kevin Thompson. I'm a freelance clown, former construction worker, former bounty hunter and I used to be the QB at Lawndale High. I've got a super-hot wife who's, like, totally devoted to me and five great kids. One of my kids is even black. I'm such a badass I actually produced a black kid. Pretty cool, huh?"
Everyone else from Lawndale frowned as they all knew the reason Kevin Jr.'s black is because his real father's Daryl.
Jamie said "My name is Jamie White. I'm a history teacher at Lawndale High, an Iraq War veteran and winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor for actions performed on 20, March, 2009 that cost me both of my legs." He frowned bitterly before going on. "I got a nice pair of titanium prosthetics and a generous pension out of the deal. Unfortunately, I'm now saddled with an idiot quarterback who's THAT BANE OF MY GODDAMN EXISTENCE! ARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
Everyone was a little startled as Jamie's right eye bulged in a manner disturbingly similar to DeMartino. Upon noticing the reaction, Jamie calmed down.
"I've also got a beautiful wife and an artistically gifted daughter. My wife, Nicole, is a famous YouTuber and Twitch streamer. You might have seen her gaming and cosplay channel...Ninja Babe."
Tom stood up and took his turn. "My name is Tom Sloane and I also live in Lawndale. I'm currently the President, Chairman and CEO of one of the world's largest brokerage firms...Grace, Sloane and Paige. I inherited both the job and my vast fortune from my father, Angier Sloane. In addition to my official residence I also own a beach house at The Cove, a chateau in France's wine country, a villa in Italy and a ski lodge in Austria and both my wife and I are on the membership comittee at Winged Tree Country Club."
Chuck then introduced himself. "My name is Charles Ruttheimer The Third. I'm the founder of Feisty IT. I have two great kids and my wife's a local news anchor. She's also very...grrrrr, feisty...in the bedroom."
Now, it was Rev. Li's turn. "My name is Angela Li. I used to be the principal of Lllllllaaawwwnnnnndale High. Since becoming a born-again Christian I've founded the Lawndale Fellowship Of Christ's Kingdom and remain the senior pastor to this day." Her voice suddenly took on a sad tone. "Although, I've recently lost my faith after an immersion baptism went tragically wrong." Pounding her fist on the table, she added "Dammit, why didn't they tell me that boy had epilepsy!?"
Jim took his turn. "My name's Jim Carbone, but some of you may know me as Jim The Car Guy from YouTube. I..."
Tony interrupted. "He's unemployed! He mooches off his wife!"
Jim said "No, Dad, I..."
"UNEMPLOYED!"
"Now, Dad..."
"MOOCHES OFF HIS WIFE! Now, my name is Anthony Carbone. Currently, I'm retired. Before that I was in the Army from 1961 to 1986 and a PMC from 1987 to 2011. My proudest accomplishment is killing a hundred commies in 'Nam." Pointing to Jim, he continued "My biggest regret is wasting a shot of man juice to create this loser."
Jim groaned. "Now, Dad..."
"WASTE OF MAN JUICE!"
Jim sighed.
Meanwhile, at another part of the mall...
The triplets were riding the indoor roller coaster while Chris was chatting up a voluptuous blonde.
"Yeah, it's hard," said Chris, "I mean, their abandoned them. I was young and stupid. She just took off on us and stole half my valuables to pay for more drugs."
Sympathetic, the woman said "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be," said Chris, "It's for the best that their mom's no longer in the picture. Still, I miss certain things. Don't get me wrong, my sons are the light of my life and I love them more than anything. Still, those boys are no substitute for having a good woman in our lives. With that, we'd feel more like a family."
That got the woman's maternal instincts going. "You know," she said, "If you're not doing anything next weekend maybe I could take you out to dinner sometime."
"I'd like that."
The girl writes her contact information on a piece of paper and hands it to Chris. He smiles as his 'loving single father act has reeled one in. As the woman leaves, a familiar voice got his attention.
"Chris?"
Chris turned around to see...
"Sandi!? Sandi Sloane! What are you doing here?"
"Shopping," said Sandi, "Tom's participating in a focus group, so I figured this was a chance to update my wardrobe and get a head start on Christmas shopping. That's why we left Shane at home with one of the nannies. You?"
Chris said "Jim's at the same focus group as Tom. I'm just keeping the boys distracted while Quinn does some Christmas shopping."
Sandi got an idea. "Have you guys had lunch yet?"
"No," said Chris, "Why?"
Sandi explained "They've got some great places at the food court here. My treat."
Chris smiled, mistaking Sandi's kindness for romantic attraction.
At the focus group meeting...
Mr. Lloyd was walking over to the covered car.
"Alright," he said, "Now, the moment we've all been waiting for.." He grabs the sheet covering the new car, "I present..." he pulls the sheet back, "...The Chevy 3000!"
The car was a mini-van that had a futuristic neon purple paint job. Inside, the seats look like luxury recliners. The control panel is a touch screen and there's no steering wheel but a microphone. While everyone else gasps in awe Jim gasps in horror.
Mr. Lloyd said "This is a state of the art suburban utility vehicle. It's made of space age ceramics, has touch screen controls, built-in WiFi, voice activated steering, an automatic seat warmer, electric motor fueled by state of the art power cells, a 360-degree turning radius and smart sensors that automatically kick in when obstructions are in the vehicle's path. All for a base price of $70,000.00."
Horrified, Jim said "That's not a car, it's a carnival ride. What the hell!?"
"I respectfully disagree," said Tom, "That car is amazing!"
Mr. Lloyd asked "What do you like most about the car, Mr. Sloane?"
Smirking, Tom said "That I can use it to further cement my place among the top one percent."
Jim said "Trust me, Mr. Lloyd, that's the only reason he likes the 3000. The rest of us don't."
Mr. Colombino, the car dealer that he is, said "I can see potential with this baby. It have any add ons? As a car dealer, I know that's where the real money is."
Mr. Lloyed said "Extras include a built-in vaccum cleaner that automatically self cleans when you shut the car off, YouTube, Instagram, Twitch and TikTok apps,internet explorer and retractable shade. AC also cost extra. There's also built in Sirius/XM Radio along with optional voice-activated gas and break pedals and a GPS app that will automatically take you to your destination. Basically, with the fully loaded version you can just relax while the car does the work."
Mr. Colombino said "I'm sold. This car is the ultimate machine."
"Dammit," said Jim, "you don't do all that stuff while driving."
Chuck said "Jim, I have to disagree with you. This car is perfect. Especially since people who use it will need IT maintenance. I look at this baby and see dollar signs. The Chevy 3000 is...grrr, feisty!"
Mr. Lloyd said "Hmmm...We should use that as a slogan in the commercials."
"Judas!" said Jim. "This isn't a car, it's an abomination!" He turned towards Jamie. "You've got my back, right? You know the value of a good, old fashioned machinery."
Jamie said "Actually, Jim, I like this car. A huge plus is the auto-drive. I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to drive a regular car when both of your legs are prosthetics? You can't feel the pedals."
Added Tony "I like the car. It's got curves in all the right places, like a sexy trophy wife. Jim's Camaro is like a dumpy starter wife. But, what should I expect from a loser who mooches off his wife."
Jim said "Now, Dad.."
"LOSER!"
"Hold on..."
"MOOCHES OFF HIS WIFE!"
"Dad, about my career AND my Camaro..."
"DUMPY STARTER!"
Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Dad, you can't judge a car using the same criteria as when YOU judge a woman."
Tony got right in Jim's face and barked "Of course you don't like it! You always gotta contradict me, you fucking ingrate. If I like something, like this car, you automatically hate it. If I hate something, like your mother, you have to like it all that much more."
Mr. Lloyd asked "And what do you think of the new car, Reverend Li?"
Rev. Li doesn't answer as she appears to be deep in thought.
"Reverend Li?"
This suddenly snaps her back to reality.
"I DIDN'T MEAN TO DROWN THAT BOY, I SWEAR!"
Mr. Colombino asked her "What?"
Rev. Li confessed "I swear, I didn't know he was epileptic! It was just supposed to be a routine baptism. He started having a fit. I thought demons were trying to possess him so I held the boy under to drive out the minions of Hell. I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS JUST HAVING AN EPILEPTIC FIT! By the time I knew what a mistake I'd made there was a dead child in my arms."
Putting a hand on her shoulder, Mr. Colombino said "That's horrible. You know what'll help?"
Almost in tears, Rev. Li shook her head.
Mr. Colombino explained "How about after this we head over to my dealership and I put you behind the wheel of a brand new, pre-owned Toyota Corolla?"
The other people stared daggers at Mr. Colombino for his attempt to use Li's guilt to make a sale.
Meanwhile, in another part of the mall...
While the three T's ride a carousel Chris and Sandi were talking.
"So," said Chris, "How're things with Tom?"
"Good."
There was something unconvincing in Sandi's voice and body language that Chris noticed.
"You sure?"
Sandi took offense. "Excuse me!?"
Chris explained. "It's just that you didn't sound convincing just now. I'm a cop, I'm trained to notice body language that contradicts what a person's telling me."
Sandi sighed. Hoping to feel better, she comes clean. "Don't get any ideas, but lately our marriage is a little...stale."
"Meaning?"
Sandi explained. "It's just that over the past year or so Tom has turned into a total workoholic who never makes time for our son and I anymore. I...Well, I guess I'm feeling a little neglected."
Chris smiled as he mistakenly thinks he has a shot at stealing Sandi from Tom.
The conference room, a little while later...
Mr. Lloyd had his notes together.
"Okay, I think I have enough feedback to say this car is a hit."
Kevin said "Dude, you didn't ask what I think?"
"Okay," said Mr. Lloyd, "How do you feel about the car, Mr. Thompson?"
Kevin said "I like it. It's got a cup holder."
Sighing, Jim said "No, you don't Kevin, and all cars have cupholders."
Kevin said "Dude! Quit speaking for me!"
Jim said "I only do that because I know you well enough to know that you don't know anything about anything."
In a brazen attempt to isolate Jim, Mr. Lloyd said "I see. Mr. Thompson, Mr. Carbone doesn't sound like much of a friend. Why don't you try standing up to him? Don't let him bully you."
Buying this, Kevin said "Hear that, Jim. You can't bully me anymore!"
Irritated, Jim said "Shut up, Kevin."
Kevin proudly said "I like this car because it has a cupholder."
"Kevin, your Hummer has a cupholder," said Jim, "Personally, I'll stick with my Camaro."
Mr. Lloyd said "Sorry, Mr. Carbone, but GM is discontinuing all muscle cars. Your Camaro is...What's a nice word for old and useless?"
Kevin suggested "Collectible."
Mr. Lloyd said "Exactly!"
Tony immediately piled on. "Hear that, Jim. Your car's useless. When something gets old and useless you trade up."
Jim angrily got in his father's face. "Like you traded in Mom for Jennifer."
"I didn't trade in your mother," Tony barked, "A trade in still has value. I SCRAPED THAT WORTHLESS BITCH!"
Meanwhile, in line at the food court...
Gina and Jennifer were in line at the cookie stand.
Jennifer said "Gina, I'm sorry Tony keeps disrespecting you. He doesn't mean anything by it. He just hates you with every fiber of his being."
Gina shrugged. "I can deal with Tony's rants," she said, adding "I just wish Jim would stick up for me when his father gets like that."
Jennifer said "Well, if it makes you feel any better Jim doesn't stick up for me either, and I'm younger and more attractive than you."
Gina stared daggers at Jennifer for that one.
Meanwhile, at a table...
Sandi, Chris and the three T's were having lunch. Astute 'Daria' fans would recognize this as the exact same table The Fashion Club sat at in 'Malled'. Sandi looks like she wants to cry.
Timmy asked "What's wrong, Mrs. Sloane?"
Added Chris "Is it the...you know, marital situation?"
"No," she said, "It's just that the last time I was here I sat at this very table. It's bringing back some memories."
Chris asked "What kind of memories?"
Sandi answered. "When I was last here I was sixteen. It was a Fashion Club meeting. We'd ditched school and got some geek to give us a ride here. It was me, Quinn, Stacy and...and...Tiffany."
Sandi wiped a tear from her cheek. Chris instantly knew that this was about Tiffany dying in an explosion the previous spring.
"Sandi," he said as he put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder, "There wasn't anything you could've done."
Holding back tears, Sandi said "I...I still can't believe she's gone."
"I know," said Chris, "I still grieve the end of my marriage."
Sandi took a moment to compose herself before speaking. "That's different. Brooke's not dead, she's just keeping you in poverty by taking most of your income in alimony."
"True," Chris admitted, "But both are cases where something bad happened, and we're left wondering what we could've done to prevent it. Even now, I can't help wondering if maybe I could've been a better husband. Maybe then Brooke wouldn't have cheated on me every chance she got and then took me for everything in the divorce. Similarly, you can't help wondering if maybe you could've stopped Tiffany from lighting a cigarette in front of a bunch of leaky propane tanks." He paused before continuing. "Truth is, there was nothing you could've done. You weren't even anywhere near her when it happened. Just like I could've been every woman's dream man and Brook still would've slept around with every guy she thought would help her break into movies because she always was an opportunistic slut. Sandi, the best thing for either of us to do is accept what happened and move on with our lives."
Sandi felt better. "Thanks, Chris, I actually needed to hear that." Smiling, she added "You're a good listener."
Chris hoped she didn't see him blush.
Teddy, meanwhile, rolled his eyes. "I hope I'm not the only one who sees what's going on here."
Act III
The Conference Room...
Mr. Lloyd was stacking the notes he took during this focus group.
"Okay," he said, "I've heard from everyone and I can now say that the new Chevy 3000 is a hit. We can begin dismantling all other models." He reached into his desk, "Now, to pay you for your participation."
"Hold on!" Jim interrupted, determined to ensure the abomination that they're trying to pass off as a car never goes into production. "We're not finished. We have until 3:00 PM to debate this and it's only noon."
Mr. Lloyd angrily put the checks back in the drawer. "Fine! You wanna draw this out, GO AHEAD!"
The rest of the focus group stared daggers at Jim.
"Jim," Tom whined, "Just let him give us the checks so we can get out of here."
"Not until I've exhausted all other options," said an adamant Jim, "I'm not gonna see my car turned into a relic just because you guys are all seduced by something that's all style and no substance."
"You heard the man, Jim," Tony barked, "You need to get rid of your dumpy old car just like I got rid of your dumpy old mother."
"No, Dad," said Jim, "I'm not going down without a fight."
Rolling his eyes, Tom said "You're confusing the personal with the technological. It's obvious to me what this is really about. As a child you were unable to defend your mother, so now you compensate by defending your car. I have father issues, too, but this car is the way of the future."
"No, it's an affront," said Jim, "And I'm willing to put money on it. If, by 3:00 I haven't convinced most of you that the Chevy 3000 is a bad idea then I'll divide my payment among all those who haven't changed their minds."
Tony liked the sound of that. "Extra money and all I have to do is sit here until 1500!? I'm in!"
Everyone else nodded in agreement.
Meanwhile, in the food court...
Chris and the boys were still having lunch with Sandi. Sandi was griping about how Tom seems to be taking her for granted lately.
"...and he actually forgot which anniversary was OURS. He thought it was in May. IN MAY! We were married in November, for chrissake!" She took a breath to calm herself down before continuing. "May was when his relationship with Jane ended after he kissed Daria behind his girlfriend's back, and that was NINE YEARS before Tom and I even started dating!"
Chris put a sympathetic hand on Sandi's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he said, "You don't deserve to be treated like that. I mean, confusing your anniversary with the anniversary of a past act of betrayal!? That's pretty damn low."
"It is, isn't it," said Sandi.
Chris nodded in response.
The triplets, meanwhile, were watching this. Tommy and Timmy noticed that Teddy was grinning.
"Teddy," said Timmy, "What's with that creepy smile?"
"Yeah, what gives," added Tommy.
Teddy said "Just wait. I think Uncle Chris is about to overplay his hand."
To Sandi, Chris said "You deserve a man who won't take you for granted. A man who won't confuse the anniversary of your wedding with the anniversary of a high school love triangle. A man who'll treat you like the goddess you are."
Sandi smiled as the flattery made her feel better.
Seeing this, Chris went on. "You're a beautiful, strong, smart woman. You deserve a man who'll treat you right."
"Thanks," said Sandi, "Hearing that makes me feel better. Maybe...maybe I'm over-reacting to things. Maybe I need to tell Tom how I'm feeling instead of just stewing about things."
"Maybe," said Chris, "You need to find a man who'll truly love you."
Sandi was visibly freaked out by that line, but Chris failed to notice.
"I...I love you," Chris blurted out.
Sandi froze, her expression one of pure shock.
Failing to see this, Chris leaned in and kissed her passionately. A second later, Sandi recovered from the shock and shoved him off of her.
"Dammit, Chris, what the hell are you doing!?"
"Come on, Sandi," said Chris, "Your marriage is falling apart!"
Sandi stared daggers at him. "Excuse me!? Just because my husband and I have recently hit a rough patch does NOT mean I'm going to give up on my marriage!"
Clearly not getting the message, Chris said "I can be discreet."
Sandi's eyes narrowed menacingly at him. "What was that" she hissed in a tone that would make The Terminator piss himself.
"Come on, Sandi," Chris begged, "Let's not fight this feeling. We're clearly attracted to each other."
Sandi's response was to turn her classic Sandi Griffin bitchiness all the way up to ten.
"Excuse me!? I am NOT cheating on my husband, especially with a fat, bald, pathetic loser like you!"
She angrily got up and started to walk away. Desperate, Chris got out of his chair, went down on his knees and proceeded to beg.
"PLEASE DON'T GO!" He grabbed her wrist in order to stop her. "I NEED YOU!"
Sandi angrily pulled her wrist free. "YOU NEED A PSYCHIATRIST, YOU CREEP!" She punctuated that statement with a backhand to his face that was so hard that it knocked Chris to the ground.
As Sandi walked away in a huff, Chris got back in his seat and began to cry.
"WHY!? WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE LEAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The triplets watched their uncle's crying fit with identical awkward looks on their faces. Visibly embarrassed, they got up and slowly walked away. Chris was too busy crying over the latest rejection to notice that his nephews were ditching him.
Back in the conference room...
Jim was arguing his case to the rest of the focus group.
"Okay," he said, "Mr. Colombino, you like the extras on this car, correct?"
Mr. Colombino said "Damn right, I do."
Jim said "Mr. Lloyd, break down the expenses."
Mr. Lloyd said "I don't know what they cost."
Tom chimed in. "As someone in the finance business I call BS on that."
Jim smiled at Tom.
Mr. Lloyd sighed. "The built-in vacuum is an extra twenty-five-thousand, the apps are an extra fifteen-thousand a piece, retractable shade is another fifteen-thousand, another five thousand for the AC and the Sirius/XM subscription is six-hundred a month."
Jim quickly did the math. "Well, the base price of the car is $70,000.00, so with all the add ons that comes out to $165,000.00, not including the subscription fees."
Mr. Colombino's eyes went wide, "WHAT THE HELL!? No one in their right minds gonna buy an electric minivan that costs as much as an exotic European sports car! You're a goddamn hustler, is what you are, Lloyd! I'M CHANGING MY VOTE!"
Jim smiled. "Okay, that's one. Now, Jamie, you like this car because it can self-drive?"
Jamie nodded.
"Well," Jim continued, "Even a self-driver needs maintenance. Let's take a look under the hood."
Jim and Jamie walked up to the car. That was when the latter noticed something off.
"Where's the hood," Jamie asked.
Mr. Lloyd said "There is no hood. It's a purely electric engine."
Jamie asked "How do you check when something's wrong?"
Mr. Lloyd explained "If something's wrong you call the dealer. For a one-hundred-dollar fee we take it to the dealership and, for a two-hundred-dollar fee, trained specialists work on the car."
Jamie said "Or, Rowe Automotive can pick it up for free and fix it for less than half that amount. I'm a public-school teacher, I need to save money where I can. In fact, I'd probably just take it to Jim. His only fee is permission to film the process and put it on his YouTube channel."
Shaking his head, Mr. Lloyd said "Oh, no, you can't. This engine is so unique that only a GM trained specialist can work on it. In fact, not having it done at the dealer will void the warranty."
Jamie was now livid. "Only a multi-millionaire can afford all that!"
Jim smirked. "Exactly."
Jamie was now thoroughly disgusted with the car. " Mr. Lloyd, change my vote. I don't like this overpriced nightmare that you're trying to pass off as the car of the future."
"Okay, that's two," Jim said as he turns to Chuck, "Tell me, Chuck, do people value their privacy?"
Chuck said "Well, since a majority of my clients want me to enhance privacy settings on their computers, I'd say yes."
Jim asked "Would you recommend a car that can be used to spy on you?"
Chuck asked "Why would anyone do that?"
Jim said "Because the car can self-drive, which means recording devices and advanced AI. You, of all people, know how easily that technology can be used to spy on people and that most companies do not hesitate to use said technology for such ends."
Chuck's eyes went wide. "Are you shitting me!? No one wants Big Brother watching while they drive. Mr. Lloyd, I've changed my mind. I don't like the Chevy 3000."
As the hours went by, Jim continued to argue his case. It dragged on so long that Mr. Lloyd had some people bring in beer. Eventually, all the beer had been drunk. They continue to debate. Tom, however, has a much lower alcohol tolerance than the others and is visibly drunk.
"Shareef don...hic...like it..." Tom sang horribly, "...rock tha..hic...casbah...rock tha casbaAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He spins in his seat and falls out. While everyone else laughs Jim gets an idea.
"Of course!"
He turned to a sleeping Rev. Li and shook her awake.
"Reverend Li."
Rev. Li wakes up with a start.
"I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"
She calmed down as soon as she realized where she was.
Jim said "Would you like to test drive this thing in the parking lot?"
Suddenly nervous, Mr. Lloyd said "I don't see, or like, where this is going."
"Humor us," said Jim, "Or does Chuck have to tell his news anchor wife that you wouldn't allow a full review of your product?"
Mr. Lloyd let out a defeated sigh.
The parking lot, later...
Everyone was assembled by the car. Mr. Lloyd looked extremely nervous.
"Okay," Jim said to Reverend Li, "I want you to drive this car and engage the 360-degree turning radius."
Rev. Li nodded before stepping into the car.
"How do you start this thing?"
Mr. Lloyd smirked. He lost the smirk when Jamie got in his face.
"Answer the question."
With a sigh, Mr. Lloyd said "Say 'start engine' into the microphone."
Rev. Li does that. Next, she said "Move forward."
The car moves forward so fast that she panics.
Remembering what Jim asked her to do, Rev. Li said "Engage turning radius."
The car tries to do a 360 degree turn without slowing down. It falls over, flinging Rev. Li out the driver's side window in the process. The only reason she wasn't seriously injured is that the car flung her into Kevin and his beer gut cushioned the impact.
Helping her up, Jim said "There's your perfect car. In addition to all the other things wrong with it, it's a safety hazard."
Back in the meeting room, a short time later...
Horrified at what happened in the parking lot, Tom said "That could've been me! I HATE THIS CAR!"
"So do I," said Kevin as he rubbed his sore midsection. Turning to Jim, he added "Now I know why you're always speaking for me. Because you're always right."
They now look at the one last holdout, which happens to be Tony.
"Mr. Lloyd," Tony growled, "I want the last Camaro off the line so I can tie my sissy son, his cunt wife and his worthless mother to it and send them all over a cliff. Rid the world of its most worthless car AND it's most worthless people in one hit."
Meanwhile, in the hallway...
Gina was walking through the hallway.
I know the restroom is somewhere around here.
She opened a door and entered. Gina was dismayed that it leads to a dark and empty conference room. She then heard familiar voices and looked at the two-way mirror. Since the lights were off, she could see the other side. On the other side is the focus group. She listened intently.
Tony ranted "...don't get me wrong, I like a woman with big boobs and a juicy ass, but Gina was taking advantage of the whole situation like the spoiled, coddling little twat she is!"
Gina gasped as she once again hears Tony badmouthing her.
On the other side...
Tony rants "Gina's a worthless bitch! A frosty, self-righteous harpy who spoiled our boys! It's like I have two daughters! Chris let his first wife walk all over him and he's now just a pathetic fat ass cuck who now woman could EVER want! Jim's a fuckin' coward married to a red-haired little slut who doesn't know a woman's place!"
Jim has finally had enough.
"THAT'S IT, DAD," he yelled as he got in Tony's face. "I've had enough of you badmouthing me, my brother, my wife and my mother!"
"Shut your mouth, you goddamn rancid vagina," Tony barked, "I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH!"
Jim held his ground. "No, Dad. I'm sick of your crap! Yeah, you're my father and, yeah, you're a war hero, but this isn't about that! It's about you being a bitter, angry old man who blames his problems on everyone but himself! I've given you more patience than you fucking deserve! If you can't be respectful to my mother, my wife, my kids and everyone else I care about, then YOU'RE NO LONGER WELCOME AT MY HOUSE! GOT IT!?"
Tony looked at his son with murderous rage.
"YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!"
He lunged at Jim and grabbed his throat. He begins to strangle Jim in earnest.
"AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCK! DIE!"
` Gina, who'd witnessed the whole exchange, charged into the room.
"TONY, LET HIM GO!"
Tony continued to strangle Jim. Gina rushed at him. Tony smacked Gina so hard that she fell to the floor. Jim, despite struggling for air, tries to fight back. He throws a punch but before he can land it Tony grabs his right wrist and jerks it so hard that it pulls Jim's arm out of its socket.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Tony, running on adrenaline, squeezes Jim's throat and starts slamming his head against the wall. Jim begins to lose consciousness as he asphyxiates.
Mr. Lloyd pushed a button on an intercom. "SECURITY!"
Jim was almost out when a whole team of security guards charged into the room. They immediately grab Tony and drag him off. Because he's resisting, it takes all six of the powerfully built men to restrain him and drag him off.
"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Tony shouted as the guards dragged him off, "I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA! I'M A WAR HERO, GODDAMMIT! I KILLED A HUNDRED COMMIES IN 'NAM! LET ME GO, YOU UNPATRIOTIC INGRATES!"
Once Tony's gone, the other's helped Jim up.
"You alright, Jim," asked Jamie.
"I...hack...I...cough...I...choke...It kinda hurts to...hack...to gulp, but...I'll live...huff..."
Gina smiled at her son. "Thanks for finally sticking up for me, Jim."
"Y...cough...You're...huff...welcome...wheeze...Mom."
Rev. Li approached Jim.
"Jim," she said, "I may no longer be sure if there's a God, or a Heaven, but I'm certain about one thing...Your father's going to Hell."
Both Jim and Gina nodded in agreement.
The mall parking lot, evening...
They're all getting ready to go home. All but Tony, who's still in custody, and Chris, who's nowhere to be found. Quinn has just put all of the gifts in the trunk of her Cadillac. She gasps as Jim and Gina have just told her what happened to Tony.
Quinn said "I hope he rots in that cell."
Looking at Jim, Gina said "If it's alright with you, Quinn, I'd like to ride home with my son. We have some catching up to do."
Smiling, Quinn said "It's okay with me."
Jim suddenly noticed that his brother wasn't there.
"Where's Chris?"
"He met some girl who offered him a ride home," Teddy lied.
Tommy and Timmy nodded in agreement. Quinn, Gina and Jim believed them.
"Alright, then," said Quinn, "Anyway, let's all go home."
Quinn, the three T's and Jennifer got in the Cadillac while Jim and Gina got in the Camaro. They all head back to Lawndale.
The food court, two hours after closing...
Chris was still crying at the table and has yet to notice that everyone else has left and he's locked inside a closed mall.
End Chapter.