Disclaimer: Dick Wolf, yabba dabba doo.
TI: It's a Girl Thing
Characters: Goren, Eames
Rating: K+
Genre: Humor
Summary: A oneshot based on the Season Two episode, Cold Comfort.
Location: The ladies room of the Ritzy Ritz Hotel in NYC.
Eloise Kittridge, daughter of the late U.S. Senator Kittridge, had met a friend for drinks in the bar of the Ritzy Ritz hotel. Kittridge had gone to the ladies room alone. The friend noticed a woman in a brown leather coat followed Kittridge into the bathroom. Kittridge was murdered there. The body was still on the floor. Goren and Eames were investigating.
"It's a single cut along the…uh.. femoral artery," observed Goren, " It's very precise, no hesitation marks. A pro."
"Her friend said there was a purse," added Eames.
"Well, it's not here…..She had soap on her hands. She'd already come out of the stall. She was washing up. The brown leather coat was after her purse, she followed her into the bathroom. Miss Kittridge went into the stall."
"She hung her purse on the hook here," said Eames, opening a stall door and touching the hook.
"Uh...leather coat would've just been able to reach over and grab it. No, I think Miss Kittridge probably just put it on the floor."
"No," insisted Eames, shaking her head, "She hung it up."
Goren stopped in midstream. The wheels are turning. He has an aha moment.
"Right. A girl thing….So the purse is on the hook…within easy reach…."
I thought Goren was a freakin' genius. He just doesn't get this. How can I make my point?
When Goren and Eames walked into the ladies room, Goren had placed his prized folder, excuse me, his black leather special deluxe portfolio, on the sink vanity. This left his hands free to prod and poke. Eames walked over to the sink, picked up the beloved portfolio and strolled back over to the stalls.
Eames started to bend down, "Goren, what say I just put your portfolio right down on the floor here inside the stall?"
"NOOOOOO!" shrieked Goren. He lunged for Eames, snatched the portfolio from her grasp and hugged it to his barrel chest. His fingers gently caressed the fine leather as he held it to him.
Jeez, is he gonna start hyperventilating?
"Goren, this may well be the cleanest ladies room in all of New York City. Look how reluctant you were to allow me to place your personal possession on this floor. What makes you think Eloise Kittridge would place her expensive designer leather purse on the floor either? It's not just a girl thing, Goren."
Unless….Ohmigod…. Should Goren be on Queer Eye with Carson Kressley and the rest of them? Iwould never have guessed it in a million years.
Goren noticed the look that flickered over Eames' face.
"Eames…Eames!"
"What?"
"I am not gay, Eames…. I …uh…just don't want my portfolio to lay on a… bathroom floor… that's all," said Goren indignantly, still maintaining a death grip on his precious portfolio.
Eames had to turn her back to Goren. She could not keep the stupid grin off of her face. She was barely suppressing the giggles. She finally managed to compose herself enough to turn around to face him.
"Oh, don't get your tighty whities in a twist, Goren. Nobody would ever think you're gay, for god's sakes," said Eames, as the two of them walked out of the hotel.