2020 sucked and 2021 was no better, so I'm sorry it took so long to finish this, I've rewritten this more times than I can count and I'm not at all happy with it. I still want to finish this fic even if it's at a snail's pace. I have other fics I've written that I refuse to post because I don't want to give up on this one yet.

Thank you to the kind comments I have gotten and the kudos, they meant so much to me.

note: I forgot I updated on Ao3 and not here, sorry for those of you who prefer here.

Sigrid woke up pressed up against Fili's side, listening to his slowed and steady breathing. It took her a moment to remember that she was in his room, in his bed, and it frightened her how well she had slept. Disentangling from him she pulled away only to have him reach for her and roll her back to his side in his sleep.

"You squirm more than Kee does," he murmured into her hair, his voice a low rumble, Sigrid stiffened against him.

"I didn't mean to wake you." She hadn't, she had hoped to leave and return to her own rooms before he woke up.

"Go back to sleep, love, the bell hasn't even rung yet."

The bell was at the center of Erebor and rung every morning at the start of the day, it could be heard from every corner of the mountain and down into Dale. It wouldn't ring for hours.

"I can't," she had been laying in bed for a little while, debating if she should try to leave.

His hand was on her side and it tightened slightly, his fingers splayed across her back, "You said we were gifted the day off by Amad and I had intended to sleep in."

"Are there no feather beds on the road to the Iron Hills?" She turned to face him, only shadows of him visible in the dim light of the dying fire.

"There are dozens of them, they weigh down the caravan. Dains court moves so slowly because of them, their camps take hours to set up."

She tried to relax, too aware of his hand on her back, she carefully pulled away, "You're still injured, I shouldn't be leaning on you like that."

He smiled and even in the low light of the dying fire, she could still see the rise of his lips. "You're not going to hurt me using me as a pillow."

He pulled at her and Sigrid gave in, to appease him, at least she told herself that as she closed her eyes. Aware of the smell of medicine and the oil in Fili's hair.

When she woke up again she was alone, the fire was gone and the blankets were beginning to cool. She could hear shouting from the next room and Fili among the voices. Whatever had happened, everyone was upset. She grabbed her robe from the foot of the bed, she didn't dare try to walk through the room in the dark as Fili had weapons littering the floor. She didn't wait long when a door closed and Fili came in, shirtless, and his arm no longer wrapped up. The bruising across his chest and arms were clearly visible under the lamplight he held.

"I didn't mean to wake you,"

"Is everything alright?"

"Not really, there's a fire in your room if you want to warm up and I can tell you."

Her rooms had the luxury of her beloved windows but the fire made a big difference when she walked in, there was food spread out near the hearth instead of the table, it looked like Fili had ordered it for them.

"My mother took ill last night and no one saw fit to tell us at her orders. Oin came by to check on me and to let me know, Kili came with him to tell me.."

Sigrid stared at him and took in his bruises in the brighter light, "Is she alright? Should we go down there?"

Fili shook his head. "She sent Kili to let us know she wants to rest for a while. She was up half the night with the healers; she got dizzy and fell off her ram. Lucky Thorin was there and caught her."

"Lucky indeed, what if she had been alone?" Sigrid saw that most of the bruises on his arm and ribs were already turning color, a sign that they were healing at a faster rate with Oin's potions and salves.

"I don't want to think about it. I will go down when she wakes up to see her but I have to go see uncle first. We missed a lot while we were asleep. My cousin Thorin decided that he needed to leave before first light, taking most of the abled warriors from the Iron Hills with him."

Sigrid could only stare at him for a moment, "But the rest of Dain's court? He brought so many with him. How will he protect the caravan all the way back when they move as slow as you say?"

"That's what uncle is trying to deal with, there were petitioners in mother's sickroom demanding an audience with the King already so Amad sent everyone away. They're in the throne room now demanding uncle send half his army to make up for the loss of able-bodied guards. Kili said Dain and a few of his court were already in full shouting matches and nothing is getting done."

Sigrid placed a hand on his shoulder, "It will be sorted out, but you are still injured, I don't think you could handle dwarvish negotiations."

"I'll be fine, Oin said my shoulder was already looking better and I can't ride with it wrapped up and now it looks like we're leaving sooner than we thought." He ran a hand through his hair and Sigrid pulled his hand to make him sit with her.

"Let us start with one thing at a time at least, breakfast first, and then deal with everyone else."

Fili nodded and they ate quickly and quietly under a pile of blankets. Fili, looking lost in thought and Sigrid feeling tired all over again.

With Lady Dis unwell, Sigrid thought to stay at her side in case she needed something. But soon after their meeting, it was apparent that Dain meant to follow at his son's heels, Balin had come to ask for her help and soon the two of them were in the kitchens with Bombur and all of his assistants making lists and gathering supplies for the sudden change of plans.

Sigrid got to work alongside them, Bombur both thanking her and telling her she shouldn't but they needed all hands when preparing supplies. Balin had said that it would take a week to travel there but she remembered what Fili said of the wagons slowing them down so Sigrid set off to make more whey bread. It would keep for a long time if the worst happened. She made a small bundle just for Fili using preserves and nuts to make it more tolerable as her mother used to for her own father.

By the time they had packed up the last crate, Sigrid was covered in flour, it was in her hair and on her apron and she was carrying a basket followed by her guards. Crossing the hallway that led to the throne room she ran into the ladies of Dains court and Sigrid couldn't help but notice the scrutiny they gave her. The slow grin on Lady Amets face when she gave a low bow made Sigrid's skin crawl.

"My Lady," they all murmured and Sigrid only nodded at them before moving past them, she didn't want to deal with them, she was tired, she was loading supplies most of the day and going over things with Balin and his assistants while doing so.

Buni and Wul closed up around her as the ladies tried to get her to join them to talk, but Sigrid just kept walking. She had been on her feet all day and hadn't stopped since she and Fili had been woken up on their alleged day off. When she walked into her rooms she could hear Fili and Kili in the adjoining room and Sigrid decided to take a bath before dealing with anything else.

One of her favorite things in the mountain was the plumbing, Dale was slowly repairing what was once flowing water from the lake to the houses but it was a slow process, and Erebors waters were heated and she sank readily into the depths of the large stone tub.

She hadn't seen Fili all day, he hadn't even been the one to tell her of the change of plans but with everything on his plate he hadn't had time for much else. He could have found her if he wanted her, she knew that the guards at her side were also like beacons that told the rest of the mountain where she was at all times.

Lady Amet was wandering around with the rest of the fine ladies while she and the staff had worked hard to prepare their supplies so they wouldn't starve on their way home. There was something about the dwarrowdam that set her on edge and the more she thought about it the more she felt like she was being irrational. But her smile today just kept creeping into her thoughts until finally, she couldn't enjoy her bath any longer.

She finished washing her hair quickly, using the soaps Lady Dis had gifted her at her wedding that she was soon in need of replacing, and scrubbed her skin a little too vigorously.

Stepping out of the bath she slipped into her robe and started drying her hair only to bump into Fili who was looking for her in her bedroom.

"I'm sorry, I saw you were here but couldn't find you." His cheeks were dusted in pink with embarrassment and Sigrid couldn't help but laugh at him.

"I was covered in flour and had to get it off, it was all in my hair, I think I got it all out though."

Fili smiled at her, "Balin said he had to do most of his meetings with you in the kitchens, and that you put him to work."

"I made him carry things, I made everyone carry things, Bombur was slammed with the sudden change of plans." She was getting colder, "I'm going to get dressed for bed, but I'll come out for a bit so you can update me on this mess."

"I'm sorry again, I didn't mean to invade your privacy, I was just worried when you didn't hear me."

Sigrid put on a soft warm nightgown and some slippers, tying another robe over it. Her hair was too wet to do much with and was getting to be too long, she would have to ask someone to help her trim it soon before it got unmanageable. She ran a comb through it as she stepped outside and saw that Fili was sitting at the table with food already set out.

"Bombur sent this up to thank you, I'm assuming. He must really like you to send a slice of his pie."

Sigrid smiled at him, "When we went to see what was needed for your trip he looked harassed, he still had to cook for everyone for today and still get meals for tomorrow and the next few nights so I made them make some simpler food. I made you some too."

"Really? Anything I'll like?"

"I'm not sure if you'll like it but my mother used to make whey bread for my father before he would go on hunting trips and fishing trips. It lasts for days and it's very filling. I showed Bombur my recipe and we made quite a bit of that. I'm not sure if Dains court will be pleased with it but you can't have meat pies every night on a trip like this. Though Bombur still made a few of those, meat pies don't keep though."

Fili looked at the basket and unwrapped the linen that covered the loaves of flat hard bread. He bit into it tentatively and he smiled, "This is better than the stuff we ate during most of the journey, if it weren't for Kili's hunting skills we would have starved to death. How come you've never made this for me before?"

Sigrid shrugged, remembering the fevered dream of her mother making the bread just a few nights ago. "I had forgotten all about it, her secret was adding the preserves and nuts to it so it doesn't taste bad, most whey bread is pretty bland."

Her mother would collect berries in the spring, or find fruit in the market so it was never the same bread twice. Bombur had shelves of preserves he stored for winter.

Bombur had sent them a hearty stew that she could see Fili was grateful for, with the thick bread they had also made today for the first part of the journey to go with the dry meats and cheeses. While they ate he spoke, of his meeting with Thorin and Dain.

"It was a disaster, Dain was upset his son left with almost no supplies off to the Iron Hills and is asking Thorin to join us."

"Then what is the point of you going at all?"

"I said as much," he drank from his cup. "They went back and forth and now Thorin is going but he still wants me to go. I think it's a fool's errand to chase after Dains son like this, Dain just wants us to go to show off his influence on those who doubt him. Half of his court didn't come to the festival and most of his council stayed behind as well; He wants to show that he has the full support of Erebor behind him and not his son."

He stared at his cup, "Either way I have to go."

"I think that it's still important that you show that you are the crown prince, and regardless of what you might feel we must do what is right. Sometimes that changes from hour to hour, you might get there and see that your input is truly needed, and you might see that it was all for show." Seeing the amount of luggage being dragged to the many carts and wagons had made Sigrid raise an eyebrow. They had only been here for a few weeks but you would think they were moving forever with the amount they traveled with.

"I'd better finish packing my things before it gets too late, we have to be at the gate before the sun rises."

"I can help if you'd like, you're still injured, don't think I didn't notice you took off your sling."

"Oin said I could, I can't ride a pony or a ram with my arm bandaged up, but I wouldn't mind the company. I just have to find my more stately clothes, as Balin likes to call it."

His room wasn't as full of weapons as usual and Sigrid realized it was because they were already packed away in a roll where slots held his many daggers and knives. His clothes were thrown into a small trunk hastily and Sigrid ended up refolding it while he dug through his wardrobe.

"I don't think I've seen you wear half of those," Sigrid said pointing towards the many coats hanging inside, "They do look different."

"They're Balin's doing, he thinks if I dress a certain way I will act a certain way."

Sigrid pulled one particular coat out and couldn't help but laugh, "I would give anything to see you in this."

Fili made a face, "That was a gift but I have never worn it, it's too…"

"I think it could be the latest fashion if you try it." The coat was a vibrant red with gold embroidery and it was very fine but not something she could picture Fili in. The buttons looked like they were made with real jewels and the whole coat felt heavy in her hands. "Though I'm not sure if it's your style."

Fili looks at the coat in disgust, "Half of these are gifts from people trying to gain my favor before we were married, father's and mother's desperate to gain my attention. I'm not allowed to give them back as they were gifts for special occasions, but we all knew what they were about."

"I can't really picture you in these, though I'm sure they're worth a fortune." She held it up to him and tilted her head.

He snatched it from her hands with a small grin, "what would you give me if I wear it?"

The way he said it, made her stomach twist and she hesitated a moment before saying, "Anything you want."

Fili stared at her for a long pause, his eyes looked darker by candlelight, they were solely fixed on her while he took his coat off and shrugged on the gold-embroidered one.

It didn't look ridiculous on Fili, if anything it reminded her just how different they were. He knew his whole life who he was, and who he was meant to be and while he didn't put on airs as others in court did, there was something that commanded your attention. The clothes only added to it and though they looked silly in the wardrobe, on him she could see him being a king one day.

He threw one hand up and made a face, "Satisfied?"

Sigrid could only nod, suddenly needing to find something to do with her hands, refolding what was in front of her, she wasn't sure she did a very good job at it. "What about my payment?"

Sigrid stiffened as he stepped into her space, taking her hand in his and looking up at her.

"I need you," he paused and the words lingered between, she froze, he cleared his throat and spoke in a lower voice, "I need you to be at the gate in the morning, it is tradition for us, for a wife to see off her husband before a long journey."

Sigrid exhaled the breath she didn't know she was holding and let out an exasperated laugh, "I was planning on it already! You don't have to coerce me into seeing you off, you know."

She tried to pull away but Fili held on to her hand, "I need you to not be surprised when I kiss you. That's my payment."

She couldn't help it, the matter-of-fact tone he took rubbed her the wrong way and she wasn't entirely sure why. "Is that all?"

His face was unreadable and all Sigrid could do was stare at him, they stood in the middle of his room for a long moment, the fire crackling in the hearth behind them. Finally, he spoke, the tone of a practiced politician taking over so easily. "I know that this is asking for a lot, but it is customary and I didn't want to surprise you with it. I wanted you to have time so you wouldn't be uncomfortable."

Sigrid felt the sudden burning in her eyes as she blinked a few times, "Of course," She tried to look anywhere but him, willing herself to not give in to tears, "I wouldn't want anyone to grow suspicious of what goes on between us."

It sounded bitter to her ears and for once she didn't care, a kiss between man and wife for all the world to see yet again, was their wedding not enough? Would every bit of affection she would get from him be in public under the scrutiny of everyone?

Her instinct was to run, to hide in her room, and to just crawl into her bed but he is looking at her like he has never before, the mask slipping off and the hesitation was there with a bit of something more that she couldn't name.

As if sensing her urge to leave, he holds on tighter before realizing it might be too tight. The desperate move quickly corrected for something so gentle as if she would break in his hands. "Sigrid, what do you mean?"

She closed her eyes and she was so angry at herself that she couldn't control her emotions better, in every instance, she could, in meetings, with her students, with her family. Fili seemed to always make her emotions too raw, too exposed, too close to the surface, it made it so easy to slip into laughter with him before they were married. It made their arguments loud and quick to flare up but in the years they had known each other it had never been this hard to be around him.

"I'm aware that you married me because it was politically advantageous at the time…"

Fili tried to interrupt but she could barely hear him, "Sigrid you don't actually think that…"

"But I didn't think that our marriage would be like this…"

She didn't elaborate, she couldn't, the urgent need to run grew stronger and she tried again to leave. She wanted the comfort of solitude to figure out why it hurt so much when she had come into this marriage knowing that theirs was not a love match.

"Let me go Fili."

And he did, only to reach up and cup her cheek, wiping away the tears that had slipped, turning her head gently "Sigrid."

A loud knock on Fili's door made Sigrid jump and Fili cursed in his own tongue and she could hear Dwalin respond in kind.

"I will see you at the gate Fili, goodnight."

Sigrid walked past him and to the door that connected their rooms together, leaving him calling her name and shutting the door behind her.

Since she had moved into the mountain, she had never felt the need to lock the door between their suites, it had felt unnecessary and she was always hoping he would seek her out. Tonight she slipped the latch and it made a soft clicking sound as it locked, she knew she couldn't really lock him out, that the guards posted at her front door would let him in at a moments notice, that they were there at his orders and not hers, but she knew he wouldn't. They had to maintain an image, as he had time and time again oh so subtly reminded her.

The wind was biting, pony's and rams were restless as they waited for everyone to gather. Shouting and bustling made it difficult to hear anyone and Sigrid was glad of it, already Fili had tried in vain to corner her, to speak alone, but they were never alone and at every turn, someone interrupted them again and again. Sigrid continued on with her early morning, helping Balin finish up the lists, checking everything that was supposed to be available was there, making sure to greet each and every one of the Lords and Ladies as they made their way out to their waiting carriages.

Sigrid took leave of Lady Amet and her parents, Lady Amet the only one in their whole party who looked eager for the journey ahead. Her auburn curls elaborately pinned and swept up, she was dressed as if she would ride out instead of riding in her parent's carriage.

"I do hope you come to visit the Iron Hills one day, the air is much fresher than here, Erebor still very much has the smell of Dragon in it doesn't it?" Lady Amets whispered conspiratorially, while her mother snickered behind her gloved hand.

"Well, when a dragon nests in a place for more than 100 years it's hard to air it out." Was Balin's grumbling response next to Sigrid after they were gone.

"Maybe she expects me to wash walls?" Sigrid shrugged, "it smells like fire. There's a giant forge in the center of the mountain, it's not like I can tell the guilds to turn it off for them."

Sigrid caught sight of Fili who was dressed like he usually was when he went on trips, thick leathers, thick fur lining, and his hair braided away from his face. He was making his way to where Balin and she were seated, by the gate and away from the biting wind.

"I see I'm going to be run off by Fili so I'll finish taking leave on behalf of you and Lady Dis. I'm sure no one will mind."

Sigrid thought they would mind but Balin wouldn't tell her that, he was too polite. Sigrid wished she had worn a hood, easier to hide away in, the coat she wore didn't have a hood but she wore it anyway, she had a role to play after all. Her appearance had been chosen with care, she hadn't been able to sleep much anyway. The coat had been a gift when she married, too dwarvish for her but it fit the mood today. The dress too was something she would never have purchased for herself but Fili wanted for her to appear very much like his wife and she had gone out of her way to do so. Balin had been pleased when she had come down, complimenting her, informing her of just how much she looked like the Princess of Erebor that she was.

She had even braided her hair like a crown around her head, though that had been a practical choice when she heard the wind howling in the night. The combs Lady Dis gave her finished it all off and not for the first time she felt like she looked like a stranger.

Fili looked like he hadn't slept, the dark circles under his eyes gave away his tiredness and Sigrid felt bad for leaving last night.

"Would you come with me? I wish to talk and I don't want anyone to overhear us." There was something odd to his voice

"Won't you be late?" Several wagons had already started heading down the road towards the Iron Hills. "They'll be looking for you."

"I don't care, you've been avoiding me all night and all morning and I needed to talk to you before I left."

"What's there to talk about Fili, I'm here, I dressed the part even, what more do you want from me?"

"I want to talk about last night." He reached for her hand, "can we please go somewhere more private?"

Sigrid looked past him, "We can't, the king is mounting up, you're supposed to be there too, they're waiting on you."

Whatever Fili wanted to say, it would have to wait, if King Thorin was ready to leave, everyone had finally made it to where they were supposed to be or were being left behind.

"My uncle can wait, please Sigrid, I don't want to leave things between us as they are. I couldn't bear it."

"I'm not mad at you." And she wasn't, she had been embarrassed at her outburst last night and had realized her mistake by the time she had come down from her room. Sigrid stood and Fili sighed with relief only to curse after her as she made her way towards the snowy White Ram that was waiting for Fili. Fili caught up to her with quick strides, grabbing her hand.

"Ah, there he is." She could hear one dwarf say.

"He snuck off to say his goodbyes," another said in a teasing manner.

"Snuck off for more than goodbyes I imagine," someone else said a little too loudly that half the yard heard it over all the noise.

Sigrid knew it shouldn't bother her, that she had heard the guards in Dale say way worse things to her brother the days leading up to his wedding. She felt Fili stiffen next to her and Sigrid pulled him towards the ram. "Don't get into a fight before you leave, you're still not recovered."

"He has no right to speak of you like that," he shot back.

"They say it anyway, just usually out of your earshot if they are smart."

When they got to the rams their saddles were already tied and Fili's rucksack tied to one of them Sigrid turned to him.

"I feel like I'm always fighting a losing battle to be able to speak to you alone."

Sigrid wanted to say something but she bit her tongue, not wanting to fight anymore, he rubbed her hand.

"When I get back, I hope we can talk, I feel like I've left too many things unsaid between us." His voice was low and it held a strange note to it that she couldn't place.

Sigrid smiled ruefully, "I don't even know when you'll be back. I'm sure I'll find out from Balin though."

"Sigrid please," He closed his eyes as if in pain and Sigrid took the opportunity to grab him by the collar and pay him back, to surprise him instead.

It was supposed to be a chaste kiss, but as she pulled away Fili grabbed her face and deepened it. She couldn't help the soft moan that escaped her and Sigrid pushed herself away from him, almost panicked by her reaction. Fili looked like he was ready to say something but the hooting and hollering from the guards around them as they mounted up and started for the gates.

Fili looked at her with a slightly panicked look as everyone started moving past them. "You are more than a political asset to me, I need you to know that.."

Sigrid remembered the words that clawed at her just a few nights ago, "You are the Crowned Prince, you must do what is best for your people."

Sigrid was aware of how much Erebor was benefiting from their match as well, open trade, a share in the harvest, lands that should be rightfully Dales shared between the kingdoms. She didn't want to forget again why Fili had married her, his leaving was a blessing and it pained her to make the distance between them a physical chasm.

Fili looked resigned before mounting atop the ram. "I promise, I will get back as soon as I can."

She could only nod and watch as he too followed the train of dwarves through the gate and out into the dark and bitter morning.