I don't own Evangelion. Do you?
'The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble.
They can never be solved but only outgrown.'
-Carl Jung, psychologist
Busy hospital staff streamed past her without so much as a look. Leaning against the hall's white-washed wall, Asuka vacantly watched them go by. The Second Child was without anywhere to go; the doctor had cleaned and bandaged her cuts from the glass shards of the shattering Observation Room window. Asuka had been officially discharged from the infirmary several minutes ago.
She might as well have been hospital furniture, Asuka hadn't even budged from the spot the nurse had left her. The blank jewels of sapphire that were her eyes never registered the bustling hallway of the hospital wing.
Her mind was elsewhere:
The Test Cage.
Evangelion Unit-01 tearing from its restraints like a wild animal.
Those glowing eyes meeting hers….narrowing with recognition…with murderous intent.
And in the end, with its entry plug ejected, the Eva- what Asuka had always believed as a blank, soulless weapon- had roared and moaned with desolate loss.
Did Unit-01 actually try to kill me?
Shinji.
Misato ran into the ruined Cage in tears the moment the Berserk Evangelion had gone still. The Entry Plug was a wreck, the hatch superheated and uselessly fused together. If Kaji hadn't held her back…she probably would have suffered worse than Third-Degree Burns on her hands.
The Recovery Team, cold and alien in their faceless haz-mat suits, had swept into Test Cage Two moments after the Major herself. The time spent sawing through the entry plug's wreckage with their laser cutters had been a torturous eternity to Misato. She had screamed furiously at them, so slow and ponderous their pace had seemed. But finally, they pulled Shinji- unconscious but alive- from the ruined plug and immediately rushed him to the medical wing before Misato could even get to the boy's side.
That had been just over an hour ago.
Mein Gott…it seems so much longer.
She had not heard any update on Shinji's condition since then. Asuka found she did not really care.
(At least, be human)
Or maybe it just hurt too much to care.
A horrible thought crept hauntingly in the back of her mind ever since the accident.
Is all of this my fault?
Above everything else, what Asuka thought back most on was that morning.
The morning after Mother's Day.
Asuka vaguely recalled dreams of her mother. Herself as a little girl, running through the dark hallway until reaching that door. Her mother just….hanging there…feet dangling over the floor as the rope wrung her neck purple.
Even Post Mortem, she had looked so happy…almost relieved.
But the dream wasn't strong. It was weak, faded. Asuka could scarcely recall even having it. In fact, Asuka was certain it was the best night of sleep she had in a long while. While she did have the dream, it had been dreamt earlier that night. The rest of her sleep was deep, dreamless, and untroubled.
She remembered waking up comfortable, refreshed. Mind only half-awake, she unconsciously held something warm and soft without fully registering what it was.
Until it squeezed her hand.
Asuka was instantly awake then, stifling a gasp when she realized where she was. It happened sometimes; she sleepwalked, on occasion, and accidentally fell back asleep in Shinji's bed. The baka never knew, thank God. He was such a heavy sleeper, the dumbass probably wouldn't have known it even if she had ridden him the entire night.
She had shaken her head furiously at that sudden thought. Ew, ew, eeeeeew!
And with sudden self-consciousness, Asuka realized she was lying in a boy's bed wearing nothing but a thin, flimsy top and a pair of underwear.
Very rarely does Asuka Langley Souryu blush.
Moving with the slow delicacy of someone disarming a bomb, Asuka slowly eased her arms off Shinji and tried to slip her hand out of his as gently as possible.
For over a week, Shinji Ikari suffered such horrible nightmares they bordered on full blown night-terrors. Afraid to fall asleep, Shinji's health was quickly falling into sleep deprivation and insomnia. The night he spent holding Asuka's hand in her bed was perhaps the best and longest night's sleep for him as while; ironic that neither of them knew what they did for the other.
Exhausted as his body was, Shinji couldn't help but notice the slow removal of something he tenderly held for an entire night. Shinji knew all about Asuka's unconscious visits into his room. He was wide awake whenever she sleepwalked in and always feigned deep sleep whenever she left the morning after.
In this one instance, Shinji waking up just as Asuka was trying to slip out unnoticed was probably the boy's biggest bit of bad luck since the day Gendo Ikari first ordered him to Tokyo 3 seven months ago. Mind muddled by drowsiness, he mumbled for her.
"Asuka?"
The redhead froze where she was, halfway out of the bed. She was caught, and she knew it. Every hot-tempered instinct screamed panic. Completely at a loss, Asuka turned to desperation.
"Mother Fucker!"
Kicking Shinji hard in the back of the head, she seized him by the collar of his shirt and roughly threw him off the bed.
Asleep only seconds ago, the young Ikari was fully awake now. A swift kick in the skull was a crude but effective wake-up call.
Feeling awkwardly underdressed, Asuka snatched the covers off of Shinji's bed and wrapped them around herself for humility's sake. "Sheitze! Just what the hell did you think you were doing, you horny little lecher?"
Disoriented and clutching at his throbbing head, Shinji could only stammer. "W-w-what? This is my room! How can you even explain what you're doing here?"
"Don't try to change the subject, Third! You're not weaseling yourself out of this one!"
"There's nothing to weasel out of! You're the one who was sleepwalking!"
Asuka stiffened as if she was insulted. "And while I was sleepwalking you tried to take advantage of me!"
Maybe it was the pain or the rude wake-up, but Shinji was unusually adamant with the girl who usually left him cowering. "By what? Holding your hand while you were crying?"
Her teeth clenching like fangs, Asuka hurled Shinji's own pillow at him. "Shut up! I do not cry like some kind of child!"
Whatever little anger Shinji had for Asuka almost completely burned itself out. He looked at her sympathetically, recalling the strangling sobs for her mother Asuka had cried the night before.
"Asuka…" he said. "There's no shame in crying."
"Well I have more dignity than a pathetic little boy!" she snapped. "I don't cry! I'm stronger!"
The pain in his head forgotten, Shinji pulled himself off the floor. They were two different, completely contrasting people. But Shinji suddenly couldn't help but recognize all the things he and Asuka had in common…the same pain they both felt. "It's alright, Asuka. I know what y-"
"As if someone like you could ever understand me!" she sneered.
"But…but…I do," Shinji insisted. "I…I lost my mom too, Asu-"
She was so fast; he hadn't expected it. Before his lips could even finish her name, Asuka slapped Shinji across the face as hard as she could. Cheek stinging, he actually staggered.
"Don't you even fucking mention my mother you fucking worm!" Asuka screamed.
Modesty forgotten, Asuka let the covers fall to the ground as she stood up. Face to face with Shinji, she regarded him with disgust. "You actually think we have something in common just because both our mothers are dead? Second Impact was fifteen years ago dumkoff! Everyone's lost someone! What makes you think you're so fucking special?"
Like a little dog, Shinji couldn't meet her eyes. "I-I don't think that I'm…"
"You do!" she said accusingly. "You need to validate your pointless existence by having people pity you! You think you have it so hard just because your mommy's dead. You're like a Goddamn pity whore!"
Hurt in more ways than one, Shinji was struggling to fight back the tears threatening his eyes. "Th-that's not true…"
"Now look at you! Who's the one crying now, Third? You think your problems are worse than anyone else's! You're so Goddamn self-centered! So what if my mother's dead? You don't see me moping around, trying to get pity. And you don't see my crying about it either! Tears never help; they only confirm just how pathetic you really are!"
Grimacing, Shinji replied with the only thing he had left. "So…I guess I was just imagining you crying in your sleep last night?"
He hadn't expected another one. Asuka slapped him hard across the face on his other cheek. His entire face burned now.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! God damn it! I can't fucking stand you!"
"Is it because I'm just like you?" Shinji wondered quietly.
"SHUT UP! You're nothing like me! You're just a pathetic little boy crying for his mommy!"
"Don't you too?"
"I found my mother's fucking body after she fucking hanged herself!" Asuka exploded.
That revelation shocked Shinji more than any slap Asuka could give him. "Wh-? What?"
"That's right!" she said coarsely. "I was just five years-old when I was the first to know my mother killed herself!" Shinji shrank as she stepped closer to him, face red and eyes brimming with stubborn tears. "How did your mother die?" she sneered. "Did she get sick? Was it a car accident? Maybe she died when you were a baby during Second Impact! So-fucking-what! You don't see me crying over it! I'm not some pathetic wretch like you!"
Tears streamed silently down Shinji's face. He couldn't bring himself to speak to her. He couldn't even meet her withering glare.
"I can't even stand to look at you anymore. Get over your fucking self." She spat. Pushing Shinji aside, Asuka stalked out of his room, slamming the sliding door shut behind her.
As she went down the hallway back to her own room, Asuka heard Shinji fall to his knees behind the door, wracking with sobs.
"God, I'm pathetic…"
Asuka jumped when she felt a hand slap on her shoulder. Broken out of her reverie, she senses returned her to the hospital hallway.
"There you are, Asuka!" a familiar voice said behind her. "I've been looking around for you, y'know."
As wonderful as it was to see Ryoji Kaji again, Asuka found she could not bring herself to be as excited as she normally would have been. "Oh, hi there Kaji. What do you mean you were looking for me?"
"Well, Katsuragi's waiting over at the ER for an update on Shinji's condition, so I drafted myself up to keep an eye on you while your Guardian was tied up."
"Oh…" was really all she could say.
"Aren't you worried about Shinji?" Kaji asked her. "Don't you want to wait with Misato to see if he's gonna be alright?"
Switching to no-nonsense mode, Asuka shrugged away Kaji's question. "I could hardly care less what happens to that idiot, it was his own fault what happened."
Frowning to himself briefly, Kaji gave Asuka his best, most charming grin. "Well then, if you don't want to be bored at the hospital waiting room, how about you and I go out someplace?"
"Sure!" Asuka said brightly. It was like a date to the entranced girl.
"Shall we, M'lady?" he bowed, offering her his arm.
The turbulence of the day forgotten, Asuka wondered where her crush would be taking her. Shopping? A fancy restaurant? Shopping and a fancy restaurant? Or maybe an…
"Aquarium?"
Tokyo 3's Aquarium was completely devoid of anyone, staff or visitors. A startling array of fish glanced at Asuka stupidly as they swam by from behind the wall of glass that separated them.
"Yeah," Kaji grinned. "Ain't it great? When the elevation, temperatures, and currents of the oceans changed so dramatically during the Second Impact, thousands of families of fish and coral were completely wiped out. It's kinda ironic, really. The fish that lived in human captivity were the only ones of their species to survive. These fish here are among the rarest in the world now."
Asuka rolled her eyes behind Kaji's back, "Fascinating, really…"
Hands in his pockets, Kaji walked over to a nearby bench and sat himself down. Sighing, Asuka sat next to him.
"Second Impact," he muttered nostalgically under his breath. "We sure have come a long way."
"I guess," Asuka agreed with a shrug.
"Why, I remember back when Project E and the very concept of an Evangelion was just theory and politics. Just think how much progress we've made with them. That accident today? Gehirn scientists would've given up their limbs just to have that."
The unfamiliar word caught the girl's interest. "Gehirn?"
"It was the organization that handled all research work regarding the Angels, Project E, and the Second Impact." Kaji explained. "I guess you could call it Nerv's predecessor, of sorts."
"Gehirn means 'brain', Nerv is 'nerve'," Asuka nodded. "Makes sense, I guess."
"Of course," Kaji pointed out. "The Eva Project wouldn't be where it was now without Professor Ikari. If it wasn't for her, we'd probably still be doing half-assed synch-experiments. She set the foundations for Project-E that every scientistin the program hasused since."
Catching the word, The Second Child wheeled to face Kaji. "Wait a minute! She? I thought you were talking about Commander Ikari!"
The Nerv Agent laughed at that. "Commander Ikari's an intelligent man, but he was far from a genius when it came to bio-technology. I'm talking about the Yui Ikari, Asuka. She was the Commander's wife."
Her eyes widened with disbelief. "Then that means she was…"
"Shinji's mother," Kaji confirmed. "You two work together, hasn't he ever told you anything about her?"
"No, we never really talked about anything like that." Asuka was shaken inwardly. Her mother, Kyoko Souryu, had been a renowned scientist as well. The similarities were unsettling.
"No, I suppose he wouldn't mention her." Kaji said. "She died when he was only four; there's not exactly much anyone can remember at that age."
The last seed was sown, and Kaji knew exactly what Asuka's next question was. "Kaji? How…did Shinji's mother die?"
Just as he was about to answer her, Kaji stopped himself. "I'm sorry, Asuka. I'm afraid I really can't tell you that. Any details regarding the incident are…classified."
"Classified! Why the hell is it classified? Nerv wouldn't just restrict that kind of information unless…wait…did you say it was an incident?"
"I really shouldn't say anything..." Kaji trailed off.
"Come on, Mr. Kaji!" she implored. "Shinji's my roommate! I think I have a right to know!"
Sighing wearily, Kaji finally relented. "All I can tell you is that Professor Ikari was undergoing Synchronization Experiments with an Evangelion Prototype. There was an accident, and she was killed. Investigations afterwards never discovered the cause of the incident. It had never happened before, and it was the Thirteenth Test she had done."
"Mein Gott," she breathed. "No wonder Shinji hates the Evas…"
"Shinji doesn't even remember it." Kaji corrected her.
All the right words were slipped out; Asuka was a smart girl, she could piece it together. "Remember it? You mean he actually saw it?"
Pretending to wince, Kaji said: "Yes…Yui Ikari had invited her son to watch the experiment. She wanted him to see what promise the future would have with their work…and instead that little boy saw his mother die right in front of him."
Asuka's entire body seemed to freeze in horror, clutching her head, she stooped where she sat.
She barely heard Kaji's concerned voice. "Asuka? Are you alright? Asuka!"
Herself as a little girl, running through the dark hallway until reaching that door. Her mother just….hanging there…feet dangling over the floor as the rope wrung her neck purple.
She had looked so happy…almost relieved.
"How did your mother die?" she had sneered. "Did she get sick? Was it a car accident? Maybe she died when you were a baby during Second Impact!"
No. It wasn't any of those things.
At four years old, Shinji had seen his mommy get swallowed up by a giant monster.
Asuka had found her mother's body after she had died.
Shinji had actually seen it happen.
Oh God oh God oh God oh God…
Asuka was overwhelmed with self-loathing, fingers frantically tearing at her own hair. "Oh God, Kaji…you don't know what I said to him…I had no idea…God! I'm such a Bitch! What the hell kind of person am I, Kaji?"
"Just a person," he assured her.
She felt his arm drape over her shoulder and pull her closer. Collapsing onto his lap, Asuka Langley Souryu consciously let herself cry. Kaji was silently there for her as she went, shoulders shaking with her sobs. The walls around her heart lowered themselves; Asuka wept tears long overdue since her mother had died almost a decade ago. She was vulnerable and weak in those minutes, but Kaji's embrace was comforting…something solid…something that healed. She trusted him, and he did not judge her.
After several long minutes, her tears finally subsided. Kaji easing him arms off her, she sat herself up as she wiped moisture off her reddened eyes.
It was as if she had been drowning all her life; Asuka's heart flooded with things held back for so long, it wasall overflowing out. When it all finally ended, there was a sense of emptiness...but with the promise of something new, something better, taking the place of where the pain had once been.
"Kaji…?" she asked quietly.
"Yes, Asuka?"
"Could you…drive me back to the hospital?"
He smiled at her warmly. "Of course."
Thank God! I had finished this fic on Monday,but a damn bug in the document manager hasn't let me upload this Chapter until now- at last! I know this was long overdue folks, I hope it was worth it.
And as much as I know this will bring tears to some, the next chapter- Chapter 7- will be the end of Mother's Memory. Lower the torches, oh-merciless mob. Mother's Memory may soon be over, but you can't keep an obsessive Evangelion fan like me away from it for very long. I already have a few ideas in the works, just be sure to keep an eye out for me.
Until the Last Update,
-Cyrus