A/N: Hey guys, so sorry about the ENORMOUS delay of getting this chapter up. Camp was fun, but gave me like no time to write. I'm not exactly happy with this chapter but if I feel so compelled I'll edit it later. I love my reviewers:)
Suddenly
She knew. She'd known before the doctor had said anything. She'd guessed, but somewhere in the back of her mind something kept saying "Stop it Lorelai. Don't be such a fucking pessimist." So she pushed it away, and clung onto hope that it was something else.
It wasn't.
Suddenly her life took a sharp turn to the left and slung all the contents of the car to the right.
She vaguely remembered the doctor giving her a few words of comfort before telling her they wanted to keep her overnight for observation but that she could go home in the morning, and that someone would be downstairs to transfer her in a few minutes. She remembered the door clicking shut and not reopening.
She stared at the wall, numb to everything. She wanted to cry, hell she needed to cry, but she couldn't make herself do it…not yet.
One word, one singular, eleven letter word had brought her world to a screaming halt, and dashed all thoughts and hopes of a blue eyed brunette little girl or boy.
Miscarriage. The word just hurt to think, let alone say out loud. She felt like she was in the room for hours all by herself. The door opened a few minutes later and she heard Luke's familiar footsteps come in and stop.
The door clicked and she heard his breath hitch a little as she felt him look at her. It was only then that she let herself start crying.
All of the sudden nothing in the world mattered anymore. Absolutely nothing. All he wanted was to get back in the room and hold her. As soon as the doctor walked away he did just that, he pushed open the door tentatively and walked in. Lorelai was facing the wall, her body shaking a little, and he could tell she was crying. She was scootched over to where there was ample room for him to sit down on the side of the bed so he did just that. He sat down and reached out and put his hand on her hip. She turned to face him, a little bit of her color back in her cheeks and what seemed like endless rivers of tears flowing down her face and forming puddles on the sheets.
"It's okay." He whispered as she slid over and laid in his lap. She was still doubled over almost in half and it killed him to see her in so much pain. She had a fist full of his shirt and he managed to untangle it from her hand and put her hand in his, which she also held onto for dear life. He ran his hand through her hair and whispered what could be called "soothing" words to her…but right now just seemed dumb and pointless.
He didn't know what to do, other than to sit there and console her. He guessed that was what he was supposed to do.
They sat there, Lorelai still crying as much as she had been and Luke sitting on the bed feeling helpless for twenty minutes until an orderly came to take them upstairs. Luke slid off of the side of the bed and stood helplessly as the orderly helped Lorelai into the wheelchair. He held her hand as the orderly pushed them down the hall and into the elevator and to an observation room on the third floor. Luke assured him he could take it from there, and he helped Lorelai into the bed and pulled a chair up next to the bed.
She was quiet, and Luke was going crazy. He wanted to know what she was thinking, how she was feeling, and most of all just wanted to hold her. She'd flinched at his touch earlier and so he'd stopped trying to do anything other than rubbing lazy circles on her back and counting ceiling tiles.
It was nearing noon the next day when Luke woke up, a crick in his neck from sitting in the chair all night, and Lorelai was still sleeping in the hospital bed next to him. He took in the whole sight in front of him.
She looked incredibly small in the bed, her dark hair stood out in stark contrast to the starched white sheets and the alarmingly pale pallor of her skin. It seemed that in the past 8 ½ hours the light tan she'd managed to keep all winter had faded completely. If it wasn't for the steady rise and fall of the sheet covering her chest he'd have panicked at the thought that she might be dead. He stood up and stretched slightly and ventured into the hallway to find a nurse and find out when he could take her home.
He stopped a friendly, round, grandmotherly type nurse in the hallway.
"Hi ma'am. I'm with Lorelai Gilmore and I was just wondering when I could take her home." He said, still trying to completely wake up.
"The doctors were in with her this morning at 8, and as soon as she wakes up again and they do one last check she's free to go." The nurse said smiling at Luke. "I'm awfully sorry about your loss." She said gravely, her mood switching completely.
He thanked her and walked back into the room to wait for Lorelai to wake up. He didn't have long to wait. She stirred as he entered the room and croaked out a good morning to him. Her voice was shot from all the crying she'd done all night and her eyes were still bloodshot and puffy.
"When can we leave?" she asked, more than ready to get out of the god forsaken place. She wanted nothing more in life at that moment to turn back time and do something different, or to get out of the hospital and stay inside her house for the next nine years.
"They said they were going to check you again and then we could leave." He said, gathering up the pajamas she'd been wearing when she came in the night before. He laid them on the chair and attempted to smooth them out.
Lorelai eyed the pajamas warily and then looked away, chewing on her bottom lip. The last time she'd worn those pajamas had been just hours before...and the last time she'd worn them she'd been pregnant.
Just from the look in her eyes, Luke got the memo.
"I'll run out and get you something to wear. It could be a little bit before we're ready to go...I'll be back in a few minutes okay?" Luke said, leaning over her and running his hand down her arm. She nodded and he picked up the pajamas and left.
All the images she'd had of a curly headed brunette little girl or boy were suddenly gone from her head. She'd relapsed into thinking about it once and cried herself back to sleep. It wasn't going to happen anymore. She was so lost, she felt empty. She'd only been a little over 2 months along...and she still felt like a huge chunk of her was missing and she had no idea how or if she was ever going to get it back.
Luke came back just as the doctor was finishing up checking Lorelai.
"Everything looks fine. You're still going to be crampy for a few days, possibly as long as a week. Other than that you could experience some mild spotting...but the worst of all of that is over." The doctor said as she wrote some notes in her chart.
Luke cleared his throat, unsure if it was the time or place to ask this question...but he decided to anyway.
"Were there any other...complications...or anything that could cause problems in the...uh...future...you know...if...like...we..." Luke stammered, turning red.
Lorelai snapped to attention. He'd just asked the doctor if it would be possible for them to have kids later on. She hadn't even thought about that...and was astonished to find out he'd been thinking about future kids. She'd kind of thought that after this they'd be no more. She didn't know why she thought that, but she did.
"Nope, there is no reason that Lorelai couldn't get pregnant again and carry the baby to full term. This was just one of those occurances that sometimes happen with older women, not that you're old, but you're not in your 20s either." she said.
Luke thanked the doctor, who in turn told them a nurse would be in momentarily with her discharge papers in order and they could leave. Lorelai sat up as she left and reached for the bag Luke held...clutched would have been a better word to describe how he was holding the bag of clothes. His knuckles were white and it was pressed up against his body like it was a shield fighting off some unseen force that would be afraid of a pair of pajamas with pink and purple polka-dots. He handed it over to her after a few minutes, reluctantly, but he still gave it to her.
"Do you need...er...want...any help?" he asked.
"I'm fine." she said, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and walking towards the bathroom. The door clicked shut and Luke sat back down in the chair he'd gotten to know on a personal level in the 4 1/2 hours he'd slept in it the night before. The simple phrase "I'm fine" let him know she wasn't, and that she was just the opposite. Of course she was, she'd just had a miscarriage...how could he expect her to be fine? The door opened a few minutes later and she emerged wearing the pink and purple polka-dotted pajama pants and white long sleeved t-shirt. Luke had no idea what size she would be so he'd guessed, and guessed pretty close to right for what she would normally be, but the material of the shirt pulled a little tight through her chest, and he just hoped she didn't notice.
The car ride home was long, after the nurse had come in with the papers and they'd gotten to the car all chatter had stopped...mostly because the nurse had been the only one talking, and it had been a long uncomfortable ride in the elevator with a mother who'd just given birth to twins being escorted down to her car also in a wheelchair. Lorelai had flinched at the sight of the happy family, and diverted her attention to the elevator buttons, as did Luke after offering an empty "Congratulations"
The car ride seemed to take forever, even though it wasn't any longer than it usually was. Lorelai hadn't even bothered to turn on any music and just stared out the window and watched as the trees passed by the car, which soon gave away to highway, and then to the familiar houses of Stars Hollow. Luke pulled the car into the drive and parked in front of the tree just like Lorelai always did, and got out of the car and walked around to let her out...only to discover that she was already halfway out of the car. He shut her door for her and followed her inside.
In the time it took him to put his keys on the table, hang up his coat, and fix her a glass of water, Lorelai had disappeared. He checked the bedroom first and saw her curled up on her side facing away from him.
"I brought you some water...I'll just leave it here." he said, and after a very long pause full of tension he added "Do you want me to stay?"
"I just...I kind of want to be alone right now..." she said still facing away from him.
"Okay, I have my cell phone. Call me if you need anything." he said, backing away from her and into the hallway.
Lorelai wasn't sure if it was even possible to put how she felt into words, she didn't even know how to explain it to herself, let alone to Luke. She felt nothing, she felt like she'd lost the ability to speak, to think, to feel. She felt like this shell of a person that would never ever be whole again. She pulled her knees closer to her chest to subdue the mild cramping she was still feeling, and to draw herself further under the blankets. She closed her eyes and willed herself to go to sleep.
Luke stood in the foyer of the new house and just stared, leaning against the door behind him. The house that seemed perfect in size before now seemed massive and almost a waste of space. He climbed the stairs and went into the room that until that moment was going to be the nursery. He stood in the room, hovering near the door as if just stepping into the room would cause the floor to open up and swallow him whole. However, at this point it seemed like that wouldn't be a bad alternative than trying to not only help Lorelai bounce back from this but to bounce back himself.
He watched as the afternoon light spilled in from the two large windows on the far side of the room. It danced across the light carpeted floor in various patterns caused by the leaves from the trees outside the window. They danced playfully across the floor, swirling and twisting and Luke stood mesmerized by them. He stood there, picturing what the room would have looked like if nothing had gone wrong.
Light yellow, she'd wanted light yellow with a border with an off-white background and light pink, blue, and yellow stars. The carpet had been torn out and replaced with light maple floorboards to match the rest of the house and an off white plush rug covered most of the room. A maple rocking chair sat in the corner with a slightly darker yellow and white striped cushions, matching the crib set and curtains. The room had stuffed animals galore in it and it looked comfortable and inviting.
Luke snapped out of the daydream almost as quickly as it had materialized in front of him, and he was back standing in an empty room with dingy white walls and stained white carpet. He turned and left the room and closed the door behind him, and was certain it probably wouldn't re-open for a while.
For the next three days Luke's attention was on the house. Lorelai had gone back to work two days after the...it...happened, and they'd hardly spoken to each other. He'd stayed at the house with her the first two nights, but after sleeping on the couch for two nights because he didn't want to disturb her he'd spent the night before at the diner. He'd seen her briefly when he came downstairs to help with the breakfast rush. They locked eyes as she took her change and then she turned on her heels and left, but not before he could see the hurt in her eyes. He'd stuck around to help with the lunch rush and then left early to go work on the house. In three days he'd managed to get the whole downstairs painted and the kitchen cleaned.
He'd replaced all the hardware on the drawers and cabinets after ripping out all of the shelf paper Anglea had put in and scrubbed everything down. He'd revarnished all of the cabinets and drawers as well, and it looked lived in, but new if that made any sense. He'd scrubbed the build up and filmy mess off of the backsplash and counter tops and they now, as well as all of the built in appliances were actually clean enough to eat off of and cook upon. He'd decided not to replace the boards in the floor, so the flooring he'd have installed in a little while would be made to match the kitchen. After finishing the kitchen and dining room he'd painted the office a dark green like Lorelai had wanted, he just prayed he got the right color. He'd considered spending time in the store getting office furniature but he had opted to let her decide on what she liked too.
He'd spent the third day working on the deck, pressure washing it and starting to sand it down so it could be restained within the next couple of days. He was exhausted and covered in sawdust by the time he called it a night and trudged towards the diner. He let himself in, it was well after closing, and headed upstairs to take a shower. He took a long shower, letting the water pound away at his tired muscles.
Lorelai had gone back to work the day after...it...happened. She'd been out of sorts, but when asked she chalked it up to "female problems" and everyone just kind of left her alone. Mostly she'd sat in her office at her desk for two days and more or less sulked. She'd reconfirmed every single reservation for the next three months, and read several issues of Cosmo and on the third day found she had absolutely nothing to do. Sookie was running around like an idiot trying to get everything ready so she could go on maternity leave.
She never thought there would be a time when she would just resent Sookie...but here she was, sitting at her desk resenting her best friend. Sookie had come in earlier and sat down to talk and run some names by Lorelai to see what she thought. It took everything Lorelai had not to fall apart when Sookie came in, even before she said anything. She was all round and glow-y and excited...and Lorelai was none of the above. Things just got worse when Sookie started talking about the names she liked.
"So Jackson's favorite name is Owen for a boy and Sarah for a girl...I'm voting no on both of those so I need some ideas." Sookie rambled as Lorelai intently studied her cuticles. "My favorites are Noah for a boy and Caroline for a girl." she continued.
She kept talking after mentioning Caroline, but Lorelai didn't hear anything. Her head had snapped up and stared at Sookie, her intent gaze almost boring a hole in her forehead.
"Lorelai? Hello? Are you okay? You look like you're about to kill me." Sookie said, waving a hand in front of Lorelai's face.
"Yeah, no I'm fine. I'm going to go...uh...check on the horses and stuff. It's been a while since I've been out there." she said standing up and walking briskly towards the door. What she really wanted to say was "No I'm not okay, I just lost a baby and now you're talking about naming your kid my favorite name. I need to leave before I break you in two."
Lorelai strode briskly towards the front doors of the inn, keeping her tears in check until she'd slipped inside the stable and slid the door closed. She sat down on a bale of hay outside of Desdemona's stall and put her head in her hands. She didn't feel normal anymore, she didn't think she was supposed to be this depressed. She'd known she was going to be depressed, but she didn't know it was going ot be this bad. She'd known people to miscarry and bounce back right away...why couldn't she?
She leaned back against the stall door and Desdemona stuck her nose in her hair and sniffed it, blowing hot air down her neck. She smiled despite herself and turned around to face Desi and kissed her nose. She stood up and left the barn and walked down the gravel road to her car where she located some pants Rory left in there last time she came home, and an old t-shirt.
"Luke's," she thought painfully.
She changed in the car and walked back to the barn where she stuck her feet in the boots that one of the girls who took care of the horses had left behind. They fit, sort of, but they'd do. She grabbed a brush and started grooming Desi, she let herself focus on the task at hand and made sure she got every spot before moving onto the next step of grooming. She picked her feet and brushed out her mane and tail and then spied the tack room. It'd been a while since she'd ridden, but she was pretty sure it was like riding a bike...you never really forgot how to do it. She checked her watch, 11:45. She had plenty of time to go out and ride and then grab lunch at the Inn later, no one would really miss her. As much as she hated to admit it, her job was not really unnessecary but it was more or less something she COULD do from home if she really wanted, or needed, to do.
She pulled her keys out of her purse that she'd left by the stall door and unlocked the tack room. The smell of leather hit her over the head and she breathed in a deep breath. It was like the cure to everything, that smell. It made her happy, and made her think of everything but...it.
She tacked up Desi and threw on a helmet, also one of the girls that took care of the horses she presumed, and mounted Desi right outside the barn. She settled into the saddle and picked up her reins. She nudged Desi into a walk and pointed her towards the trail opening. As the big mare ambled along peacefully, Lorelai secretly thanked her parents for making her take riding lessons when she was young.
She remembered how she'd protested when they told her she was going to start riding when she was 9, all she wanted to do was play Barbies and play with the boys, but they'd forced her into it. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday she would pull on her breeches and boots, top it off with a nice polo shirt, braid her hair and then drive with her mother most of the time the 30 minute drive to Parrington Farms where she took her English riding lessons. At first she only liked it because she could get messy as hell and her mom couldn't really do anything about it because riding was dirty and there was no way around it. Then, about three weeks into it, she fell in love. She stayed at Parrington Farms until she was 14 and rode three times a week and showed on weekends from when she was 10 until she stopped riding. Her parents had been so glad she was sticking to something "sophisticated"...they didn't care that she was actually quite good and they never managed to make it to one of her horse show...but she almost preferred it that way.
She turned Desi down the trail marked "Dragonfly Expressway" and instinctivley gathered up her reins. The Expressway was a long strip of fairly straight trail that was the "quick route" to the lake at the back of the property. The trail was the favorite for advanced riders because it was the only place you could gallop on the whole property for more than a few feet. She nudged Desi into a trot and then into a canter, where she sat back and just enjoyed the ride. After a minute or two she collected her reins again and managed to get up into what she remembered her trainers calling "two point" and nudged Desi into a gallop, and they went tearing down the trail. She pulled her up when they reached the clearing and stopped her beside the lake where she dismounted and tied Desi to the hitching rail that had probably been out there as long as the Inn had been standing.
When they bought the Inn they had no idea the lake was even there and then some riders found it one day and after investigating it they had had it dredged and cleaned up a lot and had a dock put in so that guests could come out and sit and fish or swim in the summer. Lorelai left Desi and wandered out onto the dock. She stretched her legs out in front of her and laid down on the dock and stared up at the clouds.
Hold on Tight, Just Let Go
The couple of days of the couple not interacting much at all stretched into a complete week...and on the 8th day, Luke had had enough.