Chapter 21: Will the Real Assassin Please Stand Up? Part 1

(Well we're here folks. The last two-parter before the finale. The story is almost at an end and by the look of things, it'll be over before the year is out. I could say more but I feel what I need to say is best left for the actual final chapter. In any case, I do hope you enjoy this chapter and wish you a pleasant day overall)

It had been about three months since the man known as Homer Jay Simpson first stepped foot into the realm known as Soul Society. Homer was no stranger to being caught in bizzare situations but this had to be the single most existential, terrifying one yet. Even after his family joined him in this strange new plane of existence, the Soul Society and its inhabitants, the Shinigami, never failed to impress upon the Simpson family how truly different the afterlife was from what they had always been taught.

This wasn't an entirely bad thing though. As usual, The Simpson family managed to get itself into quite a few whacky misadventures throughout their stay in the Seireitei, usually at the cost of the Shinigami's mental and sometimes physical health. Surprisingly, this didn't stop them from making friends among the Shinigami and as they got used to life on the other side, the Simpsons found themselves spending time with their new friends in their quieter moments.

Homer would join Rangiku and sometimes even Shunsui at the bar every now and then. Sometimes, all three would get drunk together, and let's just say the Rukongai was never left unscathed when this happened, last week's streaking race being the latest disaster. Marge was still a member of the SWA and was more than happy to share her expertise in the art of homemaking with them. It usually was simply a recipe to follow but Marge was happy to help nevertheless, especially since it meant she was part of a group. Bart had taken to hanging out with Yachiru and pulling pranks on the other Shinigami, sometimes mild, sometimes Seireitei-destroying while Lisa preferred to jam out with Rose and Shinji. Even Maggie had found a new favorite person in her new babysitter Kukaku who in turn loved to show off her firework skills to the infant child.

All in all, the Simpsons found that being stuck in the afterlife far before their time wasn't nearly as bad an experience as they thought it would be. At this point, it seemed like an event that would one day make a funny story to tell at the dinner table. But like all funny stories, the ones worth listening to anyway, it all had to come to an end and for the Simpsons, that end arrived on a chilly Friday morning in the form of an announcement from the Head Captain.

"After three months of searching, the device Kisuke Urahara left has finally tracked down the assassin!"

There was a round of quiet gasps from the other Captains as well as the Simpson family as they all heard the news.

"Yes. It would seem that they have been hiding out just outside the South Rukongai District all this time." He continued. "Kisuke Urahara has already been notified and is on his way here. He will extract any available information from the device, after which, I will decide the members of the party to be sent after them."

Before the Head Captain could speak any further, the doors to the Meeting hall swung open and Kisuke collapsed on the floor, panting heavily.

"Ah Urahara!" Yamamoto chirped. "We were just discussing your device. Now that it has completed its mission, will you please get it off of my floor?"

Kisuke didn't reply at first as he still needed to catch his breath. After a few seconds, he shambled toward the snail-like device he had left in the Meeting hall a few months ago and picked it up. He pressed on the shell and a small object resembling a flash drive popped out from the bottom. Kisuke took the flash drive out and placed it in his robes. "I should have all the info needed for the mission by tomorrow." He finally answered as he tipped his hat. "I should warn you, the device was mostly created to sniff out criminals, not gather intel on them. Of course, I designed it to pick up a few things about our new pal but I can't promise any of them will be super helpful."

"Very well." Yamamoto nodded. "Does anyone have any more questions before this meeting is adjourned?"

"Ummm...I have one..." Homer raised his hand uneasily. "Actually, it's more like a request."

"I see." Yamamoto tapped his cane. "Speak!"

"Well...you see...err...I want to join the search party!" Homer finally demanded.

"Homer..." Toshiro spoke up. "You do realize this isn't an actual party right?"

"Of course, I know that!" Homer retorted. "I wanna confront the jerk that tried to have me killed and ask them why. And maybe punch them if there's time."

"We wanna come too!" Marge added with all three of her children nodding curtly. "No one tries to have my Homie executed without a good reason!"

"You cannot!" Yamamoto replied. "I understand the hatred you feel for this criminal and I promise you they will be made to pay for their crimes. That being said, the fact is that you are only human beings with no way to fight back should you be attacked. I cannot send you into the lion's den so to speak."

"D'oh! If only we had our Zanpakuto!" Homer whined. "Then I'd show that jerk! I'd show them all!"

"What do you mean "all?" Kensei asked, a tiny drop of sweat appearing on his forehead.

"Wait Head Captain!" Soifon spoke up. "Perhaps the Simpsons coming along would work to our advantage."

"Hmmm? Captain Soifon! I'm surprised at you. I thought you of all people would be adamant about keeping the likes of the Simpsons out of this affair."

"True and under normal circumstances, this would be the case." Soifon continued. "That being said, I have had to take on Homer firsthand. I do not know if it was his latent spiritual pressure of just dumb luck that somehow sticks to him like a stench but Homer Simpson is not an easy person to kill. I can personally attest to that."

"Loser." Bart giggled. His laughter was cut short by Soifon's fierce glare before she returned to the Head Captain.

"Here's what I propose. The Simpsons can be allowed to accompany us on this mission on the condition that Homer uses himself as bait to lure out the assassin. I cannot guarantee his safety but if everything goes right, he should return alive."

Marge murmured fretfully. "What do you mean you can't guarantee his safety? Aren't you a Shinigami Captain?"

I am Captain of the Stealth Force." Soifon corrected. "And as such, it is my duty to assassinate anyone dubbed an enemy by the Head Captain or Central 46. I am not a bodyguard. If Homer is going to come along on this mission, he'll need to be willing to take the risk."

"Now wait a minu-" Marge was suddenly hushed by Homer pressing his finger against her lips. "It's alright Marge. I won't let that assassin jerk kill me! I survived Soifon didn't I?"

Marge still seemed uncertain at first but finally offered a small smile underneath Homer's finger. "I suppose you're right. Just please be careful Homie."

Homer nodded and turned to the Head Captain. "So what do you say?"

Yamamoto thought it over and sighed. "I suppose having some bait would be useful in capturing the assassin. Very well. I will allow the Simpsons to accompany the search party tomorrow. I will explain the finer details then. Meeting adjourned!" As Yamamoto yelled this, he slammed his cane on the floor one more time and watched as the Captain and Simpsons left the Meeting hall.

"That Homer sure is an interesting fella." Kisuke tipped his hat. "I honestly can't tell if he's too brave or too stupid for his own good."

"Perhaps he is both." Yamamoto replied dryly. "In any case, it is our job as Shinigami to protect the World of the Living from threats such as these" Yamamoto turned to Kisuke. "Extract the info as fast as you can."

"Very well." Kisuke agreed as he headed for the doorway. "Diving headfirst into danger." He thought. "Just like Ichigo."

"Dear Lord...I mean, Dear Soul King, Please watch over my Homie tomorrow and give that good-for-nothing assassin what's coming to them!"

"Amen!" The rest of the family prayed in unison before digging into their meal. Marge had made pork chops and Homer intended to eat his fill.

"I still can't believe it!" Lisa said through a mouthful of lettuce from her salad. "After tomorrow, this whole thing will finally be over!"

"Yeah," Bart moaned. "And then it's back to school, homework, and Nelson Muntz." He sighed heavily. "I wonder if bleach is still poisonous."

"No one is going anywhere near bleach!" Marge scolded. "You are going to live a long and fulfilling life and you are gonna like it!"

"Yes, Ma'am!" Bart groaned.

"Well I for one am happy that we'll be able to go back home soon, although I will miss my jam session with the Visored." Lisa sighed thoughtfully. "At least I was able to see Bleeding Gums Murphy again."

"And I had quite the conversation with Maude Flanders." Marge added. "She's trying to introduce Christianity to Soul Society."

"Pfffht! Good luck!" Homer laughed out loud at the former 's doomed endeavor only to remember his reunion with his mother. "Of course, I got to patch things up with Mom. You know, in a weird way, this assassin was the best thing that happened to this family."

"Homer!" Marge shouted. "They tried to have you killed!"

"Eh, who hasn't." Homer took another bite out of his porkchop.

"...995...996...997...998..." Soifon grunted as she pushed herself up from the floor again and again. On her back, Yoruichi sat cross-legged while reading a book.

"You know Soifon, vouching for Homer like you did was pretty out of character."

"...999...1000!" Upon Soifon shouting that final number, Yoruichi jumped off and allowed her former bodyguard to get back up. "I take it Kisuke told you. That dirty snitch!"

"Now now! Don't be embarrassed." Yoruichi cooed. "I think it's nice that you're starting to show kindness to Homer."

"It wasn't an act of kindness!" Soifon defended. "I simply figured that having Homer along as bait would increase our chances of catching the enemy!" Soifon gritted her teeth in anger. "Thanks to that person, I was made to feel the worst humiliation of my entire life and I intend to make them pay for every single indignation I had to suffer!"

Yoruichi giggled. "You mean like that pie incident?"

"Lady Yoruichi please!" Soifon whined, a small line of red appearing on her face.

"Now Soifon, I was just teasing." Yoruichi put her book to the side. "Now look, I totally understand wanting to get revenge for being duped like that and I won't stop you. But please try to remember what I told you the first day Homer was here."

Soifon thought back to that day and the conversation she had with her former mentor. "You mean, to not take myself seriously all the time."

"Yeah!" Yoruichi chirped. "You'd be surprised how much you can accomplish when you don't let others' view of you get in the way!"

Soifon pondered it for a bit, only to shake her head. "I see what you're saying Lady Yoruichi but I'm afraid I'll have to put such advice to the side for the time being. Tomorrow, I need to be serious if I'm going to destroy the person behind this mess."

"Very well." Yoruichi sighed, wishing for once that her former apprentice would lighten up of her own accord. Knowing that pushing the matter would do her no good, she decided to change the subject. "So is it true the entire family is going on the mission as well?"

Soifon nodded. "Homer's the only one we need but Marge insisted she and her children come along as well. They want to confront the assassin themselves."

"Are you going to let them?" Yoruichi asked.

"I suppose I could put off delivering the killing blow until they have a chance to speak. That being said, I honestly don't know what they hope to accomplish. The reason why the assassin targeted Homer is irrelevant. What matters is that they have been found and must be dealt with at once!"

"Well just be careful with them. Remember the Simpsons might have loads of spiritual energy inside of them but they're still just humans. They break easily."

"I would rather them all just stay put to be honest," Soifon admitted. "But the Head Captain's orders are absolute." Soifon turned to the open window in her room. "Sleep while you can, you murderer! Because I promise you won't live to see the moon rise again!"

The next morning, the Captains as well as the Simpson family regrouped at the Meeting Hall. Kisuke had finished analyzing the data from his "sniffer" device and had quite a few things to say.

"The first thing you all need to know about the assassin is that they possess a lot of spiritual energy in their own right, enough in fact that they may very well own a Zanpakuto."

There was surprised murmuring among the Captains.

"A Zanpakuto?" Toshiro asked. "Does that mean the assassin...is a Shinigami?"

"Hard to say," Kisuke confessed. "But I'd stay on my toes if I were you. Remember this person managed to pass themselves off as a Member of Central 46 for way longer than we'd like to admit. It's possible he might have used a Zanpakuto's power to help him in that endeavor."

"Could it be an illusion type like Aizen's?" Soifon thought. "Could that traitor have something to do with this?"

"Oh dear!" Marge whimpered. "The assassin might have a Shikai!? This is horrible!"

"Sugar! Do Do Do Do Do Do! Aww! Honey Honey! Do Do Do Do Do Do!" Homer's mind was not anywhere in the room at the moment, to say the least.

"Another thing our little friend managed to sniff out was that the assassin is most likely not alone on their mission. The spiritual pressure of another person was also detected in the same area. It's possible they're working as a pair.

Another round of concerned murmurs and more fretting from Marge followed.

"So we might be dealing with two assassins instead of one?" Shushi asked. "Talk about a headache!"

"I concur." Retsu agreed. "That will make accomplishing the task at hand all the more difficult."

"It's nothing my men can't handle!" Soifon declared as she turned to the head Captain. "I am ready to go whenever you are ready to give the signal Head Captain!"

Yamamoto nodded. "Very well. In addition to the Stealth Force, I want Captain Kuchiki and Captain Kurotsuchi to gather their best Shinigami and gather at the South Gate. The Simpsons are to prepare themselves as well if they wish to go!"

"Right!" Marge and the kids shouted in unison. Homer was still stuck in fantasy land and Marge had to snap her fingers in front of him to bring him back to reality.

"Huh! What!? Go Isotopes! Wait, what are we talking about?"

Soifon sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "This is going to be a long mission."

As the Captains dispersed, Mayuri approached the Simpsons. "It's as well that I was assigned to the mission." He sneered. "I have a new invention that I think will help you be less of a deadweight to us!"

"Hey!" Homer shouted. "We're not dead weight!"

"And we rather not participate in any more of your experiments, Captain Kurotuschi. No offense!" Marge added

To her surprise, however, Mayuri simply laughed in her face. "You really don't have a choice! Your husband owes me for forgoing my survey to chase after his own selfish ambition!"

"He was trying to find his mother!" Marge defended.

"Yes yes. Whatever! The point is, I'm owed an experiment!" Mayuri took out a box from his robes and removed its top. "Besides, I think you'll rather enjoy what I have to offer this time around!"

The entire family couldn't help but gawk in awe at what lay inside the box.

An hour or so after the meeting, the Captains of Squads 2, 6, and 12, along with several of the Shinigami they commanded, were now at the South Gate. Mayuri and Byakuya were in the same mindset they always were in before missions such as these but Soifon's mind was racing. "I swear I will make this imposter pay for what they've done!" She thought angrily. "No one makes a fool of Soifon and lives to see tomorrow!"

Except Homer Simpson

Soifon wasn't sure where that correction of her thought process suddenly came from and frankly, she didn't appreciate it "That's different! Homer was never the enemy so it doesn't count! Besides, that buffoon is always making an ass out of himself anyway. I just got caught up in his stupidity is all!" These thoughts made Soifon privy to the fact that the group was missing said buffoon and his family. "Wait...where is Homer?"

As if waiting for Soifon to notice their absence, the Simpsons suddenly appeared behind her, creating a cloud of dust as they landed on the ground. "We're ready for...*Cough Cough!*...oh God!..." Homer and his family started choking on the dust they brought up as Soifon watched.

"That move just now...was that...Flash-Step?" She thought in awe. As the dust settled, Soifon noticed that the yellow family was wearing different clothing than usual. Their new attire resembled Shinigami robes but were light blue in color as opposed to black and on their heads rested headbands with a cartoon Mayuri sticking out his tongue. On the Simpson's feet were pairs of black shoes with a red arrow on them.

"It's about time you imbeciles got here!" Mayuri scolded. "The whole point of me giving you those Flash-Step shoes was so that you wouldn't hold us back and yet, you're five minutes late!"

"Don't blame us!" Bart shouted. "Homer's the one who kept crashing into walls on the way here!"

"On the plus side, I think I got that lousy wisdom tooth out!" Homer flashed a smile, showing off the spaces where several teeth once were. Interestingly, both wisdom teeth were still intact.

Soifon scoffed. "As I said, always making an ass out of himself. How he manages to hold his head high after constantly embarrassing himself like that is beyond me." The Squad 2 Captain shook her head and shouted. "Is everyone ready!?"

"Yes Captain!" All of her men shouted in unison.

"As we'll ever be." Byakuya replied, causing his men to murmur in agreement.

"Let's get this over with! I have much more important things to do with my valuable time." Mayuri moaned.

"Time to get this party started!" Homer shouted, the rest of his family cheering as well.

"Let's go!" Soifon shouted as she Flash-stepped out of the South Gate. Everyone followed her out...except for Homer who crashed near the gateway.

"D'oh!"

Homer wasn't sure what he was excepting to find outside the 80th district of the Southern Rukongai but it certainly wasn't a big yellow house with green trim. The building looked run down and mismatched, its right side taller than its left side. Despite this, it still was in much better shape than the hut and tents of the people living around this area which only served to add more mystery to the building.

"Hmmm...I can't help but feel like I've seen this kind of architecture before...but where?" Mayuri stroked his chin as he pondered this. He and the rest of the group were hiding among the trees several feet in front of the building. Soifon was sitting on a tree branch as she watched the house.

"If what Urahara said is true, the assassin probably already feels our spiritual pressure. We should proceed with caution and total silence." Just as Soifon had finished saying this, the sound of loud munching rang throughout the trees. Trembling in anger, Soifon slowly turned around to see Homer biting into a fruit he had plucked from the tree.

"Mmmmm...Afterlife fruit!" He drooled before taking another bite.

"Homer..." Soifon gritted her teeth as her rage built up inside. "What do you think you're doing!?"

Homer turned to face Soifon, not a single shred of fear in his eyes. "Sorry! Did you want some too?" Homer offered her the pulp goopy mess in his hands.

Soifon slapped the fruit out of Homer's hand. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She growled in a hushed voice. "We are trying to remain inconspicuous and here you are munching on fruit louder than a Menos Grande!"

"Well excuse me for missing second breakfast!" Homer retorted in a similar tone. "I thought we were cool, man!"

"Right now we have a mission to complete! Coolness has nothing to do with it!" Soifon hissed. "Have you forgotten that the person we're hunting down tried to have you killed!?"

"Um...Captain Soifon?" Lisa asked.

"I remember!" Homer argued. "And I also remember the crazy ninja chick who tried to do the deed!" Homer poked Soifon's nose as he said this. The fact he still had his hand after that was a miracle in of itself.

"Um...Captain Soifon?" Lisa asked again in her normal speaking voice.

"Call me crazy ninja chick one more time and I swear by the Soul King himself, I will tear you apart limb from limb!" Soifon growled through her gritted teeth.

"Just try it, sister!" Homer dared.

"CAPTAIN SOIFON!" Lisa shouted.

"WHAT!?" Soifon suddenly realized how loud she had shouted, covered her mouth, and asked Lisa the same question more quietly. "What!?"

"Look!" Lisa pointed, also lowering her voice back to a whisper. "Someone's approaching the house!"

Soifon and Homer both turned their attention to the house. Sure enough, a strange hunchbacked girl was making her way to the front door.

"What the?" Homer gasped. "A girl Hunchback of Norte Dame?"

"Cool! A circus freak's trying to kill Dad!" Bart awed.

"Just because someone had a hunchback doesn't make them a circus freak!" Lisa snapped.

"Hmmmm...she looks familiar as well..." Mayuri mentioned. "If only I could put my finger on where I've seen her before."

"Could this be our assassin?" Byakuya asked.

"I don't know." Soifon replied. "I don't see any Zanpakuto on her person."

"Ohhh! The tension is killing me!" Marge whined.

As the group watched on, the woman knocked on the doorway more times than should be necessary almost as if she was using the knocks as some sort of code. After a few seconds, the door opened and the woman walked inside. A set of eyes peered out from the darkness and looked around to make sure she wasn't followed before slamming the door shut.

"That must be the assassin!" Marge shouted in a hushed whisper. "It's gotta be!"

"It's too early to tell who's the assassin and who's the lackey but I think it's safe to assume that those two are the ones we're looking for." Byakuya said

"Agreed." Soifon jumped down from the tree branch to her men. "Alright men! Both targets are inside that building and, as far as we know, do not have any idea we're here. We need to plan our formation carefully but quickly. I cannot stress how important being inconspicuous and covert is on this mission. One wrong move and this whole thing goes to hell! Any questions!?"

Nervously, a Stealth Force member raised their hand.

"Yes?"

"Um...is Simpson playing the ukulele part of the plan?"

"What!?"

Soifon's request for elaboration was answered by the sound of a ukulele being tuned above her head. Slowly looking up, she saw Homer fiddling with the tiny instrument. How and where he had gotten a hold of it was a complete and utter mystery to everyone present, including Homer's family. Soifon, of course, was not interested in the ukulele's origins but only in the fact that Homer was jeopardizing the mission with it.

Her rage threatening to boil over like a pot of rice left on the stove for too long if something wasn't done, Soifon flash-stepped back onto the tree branch, ripped the ukulele out from Homer's grasp, and smashed it into tiny pieces over his head. Homer screamed in pain as he fell out of the tree and crashed into the ground below hard enough to create a dent in the dirt. "Homer! What part of covert do you not understand!?" Soifon snarled as she flash-stepped back to Homer's side.

"I just thought...some music would...lighten up the mood..." Homer wheezed.

Soifon rolled her eyes and grabbed Homer by the shirt with both hands, ripping him out of the ground painfully. Marge wanted to intervene but given how pissed Soifon was at the moment, she figured she let her husband reap what he'd sown. "Homer Simpson! Don't forget why you came here in the first place! Do you or do you not want to get revenge on the assassin?"

Homer hacked out a bit of blood and spittle before answering Soifon. "Of course I do!" He answered with surprising resolve.

"Then you understand our deal!" Soifon continued. "You'll have to act as the bait to lure the assassin into our trap."

Marge murmured. "Ohh I really don't like this!"

Homer turned his head toward his wife with a loving smile. "Don't worry sweetheart!" He then turned back to Soifon, his brows lowering to create a rather smug expression on his face. "I've got a plan!"

"Girl Scout Cookies! Come out and buy some delicious Girl Scout Cookies!" Homer shouted in the girliest voice he could muster as he banged on the door, all while dressed in a much too-tight Girl Scout outfit and a blonde wig that struggled to stay on his head. His feet were still clad in Mayuri's shoes. From the forest several feet behind him, the sounds of Bart's laughter rang through the trees.

"Bwhahahaha!" Bart wiped a tear from his eye. "This is too perfect!"

Lisa cringed as she saw her old Girl Scouts outfit rip and tear against her father's blubber. "There goes the last shred of my dignity."

"You and me both." Byakuya added, averting his eyes from the grotesque sight before him.

Mayuri simply scoffed. "I fail to see how this pathetic display will help us trap the assassins!"

"Everyone loves Girl Scout Cookies!" Marge offered uneasily. She turned to Soifon. "Right?"

"None of us even know what this Girl Scouts bullcrap is!" Soifon retorted.

"Oh dammit!" Marge cursed, no longer trying to pretend that her husband's idea was anything short of moronic.

Homer continued to bang on the door none the wiser, his outfit threatening to burst any second. "Girl Scouts! Girl Scouts! Come on you stupid jerks! Open the damn door!" Homer finally dropped the girly voice. "What? You think you're too cool for cookies? Why I'd oughta-

Before Homer could finish his sentence, the door suddenly tore open and he found himself face to face with the hunchback girl, her golden eyes filled with nothing but contempt for the man they reflected. "What is with all the pointless commotion!?" She inquired angrily.

"Oh um.." Homer coughed into his hand and resumed his girly voice again. "G-Good evening madam! I am selling Girl Scout Cookies and was wondering if you or any other freaks in the house wanted to buy some!"

The girl lowered her gaze to the single box in Homer's hand. It was open and empty, a single lonely crumb falling from the cardboard. She looked back up to Homer's face and, despite clearly seeing more crumbs around his lips, still made it a point to ask him, "Where are the cookies?"

"Ummm..." Homer looked down at the empty box, suddenly remembered that he had eaten all the cookies beforehand and tossed the box away. "Oh...I can...I can take orders and have them delivered to you in five to ten business days!" The patriarch of the Simpsons clan shed bullets of sweat as the hunchbacked girl looked him over.

Finally, she sighed heavily and moved behind the doorway. "Come on in." She moaned. "Let's hear you out."

"Whoo hoo! I-I mean...Thank you, darling!" Homer took a step inside in house, turned back toward the forest to give the rest of the search party a thumbs up. and continued his trek into the darkness. He was so elated at having gained entry into the house that he never noticed the sunlight behind him vanish as the hunchbacked girl closed the door. "Alright! I made it inside! Heh-heh! Stupid assass-

Homer was interrupted again, this time by the girl knocking him out cold with a big stick.

"Uhhh...no Mommy...I don't want to vote for Kang...I want Kodos...Wha?" As Homer slowly came too, he realized two things. The first was that he was no longer in the pitch black entrance room of the assassin's house but inside of some sort of rocky carven with a bunch of computer screens lounged into the walls. The second was that he was being dragged along the floor of said rocky carven by the hunchback girl. She was apparently strong enough to do it with a single hand. "Hey! What are you taking me!? Let me go!" Homer finished his barrage of questions with a sharp yelp of pain as his head was dragged over a small but sharp rock.

The girl turned nonchalantly to Homer and sighed once again. "You're already awake? I was hoping you'd stay asleep for another few minutes at least." She scoffed as she turned back toward her destination. "It would seem you can't even get staying unconscious right."

"I have a problem," Homer admitted with shame in his voice, completely missing the point of the girl's remark.

"It doesn't matter." The girl continued. "Once I bring you to the boss, all your problems will be over."

"Your boss?" Homer asked. "So you're not the assassin that tried to have me killed?"

"Of course not." The girl replied. "Why would I? I have no interest in the World of the Living or the ignoramuses that live there. The only reason why you and I are even having this conversation in the first place is that the boss wants you dead and the only reason I obey the boss is that he's a better alternative to the one I had before." As the girl spoke, she entered the room at the end of the cavern. It was circular in shape and contained three giant computer screens within its stony walls. In front of the middle screen, with his back to the approaching girl, was a figure clad in a dark purple cloak. "Oh boss!" The girl called out. "It would seem you underestimated your enemy's stupidity. He just walked right up to our doorstep!"

With a grunt, the girl tossed a screaming Homer at the feet of the cloaked figure. He picked himself up off the ground, dusted himself off, and turned to the person responsible for his misery. "So at last, we meet!"

The cloaked figure slowly turned to Homer, its hood concealing every part of its face aside from its eyes which burned with hatred.

"Before you kill me, tell me why! Why did you sneak into Central 46 and order my execution? Why did you have the Captain of the Stealth Force come after me!? Why did so many innocent snack foods have to die before their time!? Why!?" Homer was practicing sobbing at this point, reliving all the pain and misery he had to endure because of the actions of the person sitting before him.

The figure stood up and placed its hands on the side of its hood. "Because," The figure pulled down its hood, revealing the face of a middle-aged man with glasses that looked very much like he belonged to Homer's world. "I don't like you Simpson!"

Homer wasn't sure what he was expecting the assassin to look like but a vaguely familiar average joe like him definitely wasn't high on the list. Looking over the man from various angles, Homer racked his brain trying the figure out where he had seen him before.

The man seemed to notice this and grew even more agitated than he already was. "Why are you looking at me like that? D-Don't tell me you don't remember who I am!"

"It's on the tip of my tongue...Moe!...no...Hank Scorpio! Wait no...oh! oh! I got it! You can't anything other than...Krusty the Clown!" Homer proudly declared as he pointed a finger at the man. The hunchbacked girl fell to the ground at Homer's stupidity and had the man been born in the Soul Society as she was, he most likely would have done the same.

"Wh-What the? No! I can't believe this! The man responsible for my death doesn't even remember me! Rika! Can you believe this!?"

"Considering how forgettable your face is, I would say yes." Rika answered stoically as she continued to lay on the ground.

"What!? Gah! Son of a-" The man continued to struggle against his own fit of rage before suddenly snapping at Homer. "I'm Frank Grimes, you moron! Do you honestly not remember me?"

"Frank Grimes?" Homer pondered that name for a moment before it finally hit him. "Oh Grimey!" He shouted cheerfully. "It's been too long! How have you been!?"

"Are you jok- Gah! I've been dead you moron!" Frank shouted. "Thanks to your incompetence breaking what was left of my sanity, I ended up electrocuting myself!"

"Oh yeah!" Homer laughed. "That was one for the blooper reel!"

"Shut it!" Frank demanded. "After watching you distract the entire crowd from my own funeral, a Shinigami showed up, hit me on the head with his sword, and sent me to this brand new hellhole! You would think that after all I went through in life, after all the hardships and heartache I had to endure, maybe the universe would cut me a break in the afterlife right? Noooo! I found myself in the crime-riddled cesspool also known as District 80 of South Rukongai! I was robbed, beaten up for not having anything to rob, and faced hunger like I never knew existed!"

"Um...I don't wanna seem insensitive pal but does this story have a point?" Homer let out another sharp yelp as Frank suddenly got into his face, his eyes wild and his mouth twisted in a maniacal grin.

"Oh believe me! I'm just getting to the good part!" Frank removed his face from Homer's and continued. "You see Simpson, as it turned out, feeling hungry in this crapsack of an afterlife comes with a consolation prize. It means you have enough spiritual energy to become a Shinigami and so that's what I set out to do! At first, my goal was simply to get myself into the Seireitei and live the good life. But as I trained at the academy, I was plagued by my memories of you and your complete and utter stupidity and how it got me killed!"

"I wonder if I left the stove on?" Homer asked himself.

"No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't let go of my anger towards you. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to use my newfound knowledge of the afterlife to make you pay!" Frank pulled down his robe and let it fall to the floor, revealing a Shinigami's cloak underneath. Attached to his hip was a sheathed sword with a purple hilt. "First, I put every bit of effort I could give into unlocking my Shikai. It took two years, a lot of sleepless nights and missed meals but finally, I heard his name and gained his power. And once I knew what his power was, I had the means to execute my perfect plan for revenge!"

Homer whimpered.

"Of course, I would need some help in escaping the academy as well as the Seireitei undetected. Luckily, soon after achieving my Shikai, I bumped into Rika over there." Frank pointed to the hunchbacked girl behind Homer.

"My full name is Rika Jigyoko" She explained. "I was visiting the academy on behalf of my former Captain when I met Frank."

"Captain?" Homer asked. "Are you a Shinigami?"

"Was. But like Frank, I too wanted to leave the Seireitei. You see, my Captain was a complete and utter monster. A madman with no morals or ethics. I couldn't stand being in his unit another minute and my application for transfer into another Squad failed. So, with few other choices, I decided to help Frank."

"With Rika's help, I faked my death and snuck into the Central 46 Compound. Using my Zanpakuto, I murdered one of the members and assumed his identity long enough to place the hit on you, Simpson! It was surprisingly easy too, given how secretly bloodthirsty Central 46 is. Did you know the penalty for not observing Shinigami Independence Day is death by no less than 33 swords?"

"Hey, I didn't come here to learn!" Homer argued.

"In any case, once I made the hit, me and Rika escaped the Seireitei and hid out here." Frank finished.

"But I don't understand!" Homer whined. "What good would killing me in the World of the Living do if I would have just ended up here?"

"Ahh!" Frank pointed his finger up, more excited than Homer had ever seen him in life. "That right there is the million dollar question isn't it, Simpson!?" Frank turned back to the computer screens he was facing earlier. Homer's attention was directed toward them as well and it was only then that he realized that he could see images of the Rukongai on them. "I've been watching you Simpson." Frank continued. "And I know you've been around the Gotei 13 for the past few months. I'm certain by now you know about the Cycle of Souls right?"

"Y-Yeah." Homer confirmed feebly. "People that die in our world come here and when they die again here, they go back to our world."

"Good, good!" Frank nodded. "Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought you were. Human souls in an endless cycle of death and reincarnation between the two planes of existence. That is how our reality keeps itself together." Frank turned back to Homer. "But what do you suppose happens when a soul travels too fast between the two worlds?"

"W-What do you mean?" Homer fearfully inquired.

"Humans live long lives in the World of the Living and even longer ones in the Soul Society. This whole Cycle of Souls thing is supposed to be a slow and steady process like erosion or a good movie trilogy. It's not built for fast trips so what do you think would happen if someone were, I don't know, constantly killed between the two worlds?"

"They get lost?" Homer suggested uneasily.

"Exactly!" Frank screamed enthusiastically. "If a soul travels between the worlds constantly, it will eventually lose its way and end up in a place known as the Valley of Screams. There, its energy will separate from its memory and it will become a Blank, a faceless entity with no sense of self. It's a fate worse than death and that's what I want for you, Simpson! My plan was to find and kill you as soon as you made it to Soul Society and then have Rika create a Senkaimon so I could track you down and kill you again as a baby. I was going to kill you over and over again until you eventually became a Blank and lost all sense of yourself, effectively you taking out of the entire realm of existence as we know it!"

As Frank carried on with explaining his evil plan, he grew more and more insane, reminding Homer of the mental breakdown that caused his demise in the first place. For the first time since being dragged into this house, Homer felt genuinely afraid. "If those Shinigami jerks are gonna come rescue me, they better make it quick!" He thought nervously.

"I don't know what you were hoping to accomplish by coming here Simpson and frankly, I don't care! Now that I finally have you right where I want you, I'm going to do what that incompetent Squad 2 Captain couldn't and eliminate you once and for all!" Frank unsheathed his sword and rose it above his head, preparing himself to dig it into Homer's skull. "Any last words before your second ride on the train to Blanksville!?"

His lips quivering, Homer adjusted to his knees and prayed. "I'm not normally a praying man but if you can hear me, please save me Gotei 13!"

Just then, the roof of the cavern broke apart and several shapes rained down around Homer and his two captors. Captain Byakuya stood behind Frank and grabbed his wrist, keeping him from bringing his sword down on Homer. Mayuri appeared behind Rika, barring her escape while Soifon appeared before Homer. Marge and the kids appeared around Homer as well, wasting no time in wrapping their arms around him. "Oh Homie!" Marge cried. "I was so worried!"

"Marge! Kids!" Homer returned the hug as he looked up at Soifon. "You guys came in just in the nick of time."

"Well of course we did!" Soifon replied. "We had Captain Kurotsuchi place a wire on you while you donned that ridiculous Girl Scout outfit." The Captain of Squad 2 sharply turned to Frank. "We heard everything, including your little remark about me."

If the boot fits..." Frank retorted, only to utter a grunt of pain as Byakuya squeezed his wrist. "Ow! Ow! Ease up well ya?"

"I will not." Byakuya replied.

As this was going on, Mayuri carefully looked over Rika. The hunchback girl had now lost all composure and was shaking with fear as the Squad 12 Captain examined her with his eyes. Her teeth were chattering and her eyes were watering. "Hmmmm...I think I've got it!" Mayuri finally declared. "It took longer than I'd care to admit but at last, I finally recognize you! You're Rika Jigyoku, that ungrateful little swine that ran away from my labs without so much as a note!"

"C-C-Captain K-Kurotsuchi..." Rika stuttered feebly.

"Where have you been!?" Mayuri inquired angrily. "Usually, I don't care about subordinates when they run off like you did but you took nearly a quarter of our technology with you! Do you have any idea how much money it cost to replace? How many hours I had to spend supervising the others to fill in for you? Do you not have any consideration for others at all?"

"I-I can e-e-explain!" Rika quickly pointed to Frank. "He forced me to steal the technology! Then he kidnapped me and force me to be his slave!"

"You liar!" Frank screamed. "But hey, while we're tossing up blame around here, how come your Supaibado missed these guys?"

Rika suddenly became flustered. "Well...it's busy at the moment..."

Frank's face contorted into a look that screamed' "Are you kidding me?" "You're using it to spy on the men's bathhouse in District 22 again aren't you?"

Rika's face turned twice as red. "What do you take me for, some kind of pervert!?"

RECORDING COMPLETED. NOW DISPLAYING BATHOUSE FOOTAGE.

All eyes fell on a single computer screen to Rika's right. Sure enough, it was playing footage of a public bath with several undressed men using it. Marge and Lisa blushed as the former covered the latter's eyes. After taking in the voyeuristic display on screen, everyone's attention slowly moved toward the mortified Rika. On the verge of tears, the poor girl reached into her pocket, pulled out a remote, and used it to turn the screen off.

What followed was a few more moments of awkward silence until Byakuya finally decided to speak. "Enough of this foolishness." He gripped Frank's wrist tighter. "It is time for you to atone for your sins, Frank Grimes." He turned to Soifon and gave her a curt nod.

Soifon returned the favor before unsheathing her Zanpakuto. "Sting All Enemies to Death, Suzumebachi!" She called out, causing her Zanpakuto to take on its Shikai form. Smiling deviously at the thought of killing the man who had caused her so much humiliation, she pointed her stinger at Frank. "Any last words?"

Frank looked around the room with a face full of despair, as if it had finally donned on him that he was finished. With a heavy sigh, he spoke what everyone at the moment really assumed would be his final words. "If this is really the end, then I guess there's only one thing to say." He lowered his head and relaxed his grip on his Zanpakuto, causing it to fall out of his hand.

"Boss..." Rika uttered, her own fate at the hands of Mayuri weighing heavily on her as well. It really seemed like the end for Frank Grimes. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Homer felt regret that things had to be this way. Despite everything that happened between them, Homer never felt hatred for the man that declared himself his enemy and he could tell from the look on her face that Marge felt the same. The Shinigami on the other hand were simply glad that this bizarre and frankly annoying situation was finally coming to an end. Everyone in the room was certain that Frank had no more tricks up his sleeve and had given up hope as a result.

So when he suddenly looked back up at the group with a deranged smile on his face, they were all taken aback. "Homer Simpson! Prepare to die!" Suddenly grabbing his falling Zanpakuto with his free hand, Frank sliced Byakuya on the arm, forcing the Shinigami to flash-step away. He reappeared beside the Simpsons, blood trickling from his newest wound.

"Captain Kuchiki!" Marge cried. "Are you ok?"

"Dammit!" Byakuya cursed as he gripped his injured arm. "He caught us off guard!"

"You fools!" Frank laughed manically. "You complete and utter fools! Did you really think I'd just give up after coming so far!? I will destroy Homer Jay Simpson and nothing will stand in my way, not even the Gotei 13!" He held his sword in front of him. "You may have overheard my little plan but there's one detail I left out. You wanna know exactly how I took the Central 46 member's place? I'll show you! Do as you see, Moho Saru!"

At once, the sword in Frank's hand began to glow. The light was so intense, it even forced the Captains to look away. Once it dissipated, to group returned their gazes to Frank and the new weapon in his hand. The sword had become a white dagger with gold elegant trim, its beauty marred by Byakuya's bloodstains still on the blade. The hilt had a strange shape vaguely resembling a bicycle's pedals with an upper prong making up the left quillion and a lower one making up the right.

The Simpson family was taken aback by the blade's surprising beauty. Well, except for Bart who simply started laughing uncontrollably. "Bwhahaha! H-How can a badass weapon look so girly!? Bwhahaha!"

"Bart!" Lisa shouted

"Go ahead, kid. Laugh all you want! But you'll be singing a different tune once you see Moho Saru's power!" Frank looked down at his Zanpakuto. "Alright Moho, do your thing!"

As the Simpsons and Captain watch on, the blood on Moho Saru's blade was absorbed into the stainless steel.

"Ahhh! Vampire sword!" Homer screamed.

"The blade! It absorbed Captain Kuchiki's blood!" Soifon thought. "What's the enemy planning?"

"My my," Mayuri cooed. "This just got interesting.

Byakuya said nothing. Instead, he simply scowled at Frank.

The prongs on Moho Saru's hilt slowly started turning and the strange light from before returned, this time engulfing Frank's entire being as he laughed like a madman. As with last time, the light vanished almost as soon as it had come This time, it was not the face of Frank Grimes staring back at the group but that of Byakuya Kuchiki.

"Frank!?" Homer gasped. "So you were really Byakuya's long-lost twin brother all this time?"

"I have no twin!" Byakuya corrected. "It all makes sense now. Your Zanpakuto allows you to take the form of whoever you cut with it."

"You used it to cut down the Central 46 member and take their place in order to call the hit on Homer!" Soifon finished.

"Hit the nail right on the head!" Frank's voice confirmed out of the mouth of the imposter Byakuya. "But that's not all Moho Saru can do!" Frank-Byakuya once again presented his Zanpakuto to the group, only now it was a copy of Senbonzakura. Smiling maliciously. he brought the sword to his face and called out "Scatter, Senbonzakura!" The sword's blade suddenly broke down into hundreds of tiny pieces that flew toward the group.

"Run!" Soifon shouted as she flash-stepped out of the blade's path. What followed was total chaos as the sakura-like blades flew around the room. Mayuri flash-stepped out of the way as well and quickly realized upon landing on the other side of the room that Rika was gone. She had used the distraction as an opportunity to escape. "Tsk. What a troublesome girl." Mayuri scoffed.

With the blades too close for her to flash-step out of the way, Marge grabbed both her children and dropped to the floor. She winced as she felt the hundreds of blades tear the top half of her beehive hairdo to shreds. Pieces of blue hair fell around Marge and her kids and they continued to lay down.

"Aye Caramba!" was all the commentary Bart could give in this situation.

Byakuya also flash-stepped away and unsheathed his own blade. "Your ability to mimic your opponents and their powers is an amazing one indeed," He confessed as he held up Senbonzakura to his face. "But I will promise you now, it can never hold a candle to the real thing. Scatter, Senbonzakura." At once, Byakuya's own sword exploded into a storm of tiny blades which clashed with the ones released by Frank. At the center of it all, Homer screamed and groaned as he moved about madly to avoid the sword fragments from either side.

"Ow! Oh! That stings! Oh if I get out of this alive, I swear I'll never eat Flanders' flowers again!" Homer let out a sharp scream of pain as one of the fragments sliced through his leg, forcing him to the ground. As he turned on his back and gripped his bleeding leg, he noticed Byakuya standing over him. "Please tell me you're the good Byakuya!" His heart sank when "Byakuya" wagged his finger and shook his head.

"Don't worry Simpson." Frank/Byakuya laughed as he pointed his bladeless hilt toward Homer. "This next attack will tickle you pink...before painting you red!" Dozens of sword fragments suddenly swirled around Frank/Byakuya as he held up his hilt. With a single downward stroke, he brought the fragments raining down onto the screaming fat man at his feet. Frank/Byakuya laughed evilly once again and the blades overcame their target. "Finally! At last I have killed Homer Simpson! Now to escape the rest of these morons, find Rika and have her..."

Frank/Byakuya trailed off as he noticed a distinct lack of blood oozing from underneath the storm of blades he had just unleashed on Homer. Raising his hilt. Frank/Byakuya rose the fragments back up to survey the damage. He gasped when, instead of Homer's mutilated body, he only found a tattered Captain's Haori. One bearing the Squad 2 emblem.

"What the?" Frank/Byakuya suddenly felt Homer's spiritual pressure behind him and turned to see his arch-nemesis gasping on the floor, cut up but alive. Looming over him, also sporting her fair share of cuts on her arms and back was Soifon.

Homer wearily looked up at his savor. "Yo-You saved me!" He uttered.

"Just doing my job." Soifon replied in a serious tone. "Don't get sentimental."

"Your job?" Frank/Byakuya shouted. "Your job! Lady, if you had done your job, none of us would be in this mess right now!"

Soifon ignored Frank/Byakuya and helped Homer up. "Can you stand?" She asked.

"I think so," Homer answered with a hint of uncertainty in his voice. His legs buckled a little under his weight but then steadied themselves.

"Pay attention!" Byakuya scolded as he sent a blast of sword fragments toward his imposter, forcing him to flash-step away from his target. "Captain Soifon," Byakuya turned to the Squad 2 Captain. "Find and take down Rika Jigyoko. We can't let her open a Senkaimon and escape to the World of the Living."

Soifon seemed annoyed by Byakuya's proposal. "Who do you think you are ordering me around like the Head Captain? Grimes is my prey!" Before Soifon could spit out more venomous words, however, she felt Homer grab her arm gently. Fighting the urge to punt him through the roof just for touching her, Soifon turned her gaze toward Homer.

"Come on Soifon! Let's take out the hunchbacked freak first! I may not understand too much about how this whole Senkaimon thingy works but if that lady goes to the World of the Living, things could get really bad!"

Soifon grunted as she pulled her arm away from Homer and at first, it seemed like she would ignore him and proceed to fight Frank. To Homer's surprise, however, Soifon sighed heavily and uttered "You're right. As badly as I want to kill this bastard, I have to put the good of Soul Society first. That being said," Soifon turned to Byakuya and he continued to wage war against his doppelganger. "Captain Kuchiki, don't you dare kill Grimes while I'm gone! He's still my target after all!"

"I make no promises," Byakuya replied flatly as he continued his battle. In his mind, however, he made a personal vow to try and keep Frank Grimes alive long enough for Soifon to return. "You've suffered indignities no noble, regardless of family, should suffer and after living with the Simpsons for these past few months, I can understand why you seek vengeance against this man. Hurry Soifon, Hurry and return so you can end this disaster." His gaze turned to Marge and her children as they say huddled together on the floor. With a swift movement of his hilt, Byakuya commanded his sword fragments to surround the family and push Frank's sword fragments aside. "For both ours and the Simpsons family's sakes."

"Homer!" Soifon shouted. "Let's go!" Soifon felt for Rika's spiritual pressure, found it deep within the cave, and flash-stepped in that direction.

"Right!" Homer tried to flash-step after Soifon, only to crash into one of the computer screens. "D'oh!"

Rika ran into the back room as quickly as she could. She knew it would only be a matter of time before one of the Captains came after her and if it happened to be Mayuri, she was doomed. The backroom was mostly black with a few computer screens of its own scattered about. At the center of the room was a giant green circle where Rika was currently standing in. Once she caught her breath, she pulled out a tablet from her robes and started messing with it. "That fat bastard led the Captains right to us!" She hissed. "I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today!"

"Freeze!" Rika's hair stood up as the familiar voice of the Squad 2 Captain rang out. "Don't bother trying to open the Senkaimon! We have you surrounded!" As Rika slowly turned her head toward the entrance to the backroom, she witnessed Soifon suddenly appearing right in front of the green circle. About five seconds later, Homer suddenly appeared in the same fashion although he was much worse for wear with his broken nose and bloody mouth.

"We're here...to kick...your butt...Dr. Hunchback...Homer collapsed on the floor.

"My name is Rika!" The hunchbacked girl's expression changed from annoyance back to fear as Soifon started marching toward her., her stinger raised up to her face. "W-W-Wait! Y-You don't understand!" Rika whimpered as she backed up. "Frank forced me to help him along! He's the mastermind! I'm just the lowly henchman!"

"Regardless of what your connection is with Frank Grimes, the fact is you defected from the Soul Society!" Soifon argued. "That alone is enough to warrant destruction at the hands of my Suzumebachi!"

Homer rose his head up, noticed Soifon ahead of him, and scrambled to be by her side. "Yeah! What she said!"

"I see," Rika finally stopped backtracking as she looked down at her tablet. By then, she had already left the green circle and Soifon and Homer were both in the middle. "Oh well, if there really are no other options," She slowly brought her head back up, her glasses reflecting light so as to blank out her eyes. "I guess I'll just have to dispose of you both!" With this, she quickly pressed a button on her tablet.

Soifon and Home suddenly felt the floor underneath their feet vanish and looked down to see that the circle they were standing in had somehow morphed into a hole. With no time to react aside from screaming, the odd couple fell down into the darkness below. Their screams grew fainter and fainter before they were drowned out altogether by Rika's insidious laughter. As she giggled uncontrollably, the former member of Squad 12 gazed down into the hole and hacked a wad of saliva into the abyss.

"See you next fall, suckers!" Rika returned to messing with her tablet as the floor within the circle rematerialized. "Let's see. Two rooms should do the trick." Once she was finished with the tablet, she slid it back into her robes and made her way back to the screen at the back of the room. "Let's see you half-ass your way out of this one, Homer Simpson!"

(Well here it is folks. The first part of the two-part climax. I'm sorry if my writing feels a little weak this chapter. I'm kinda down in the dumps at the moment, mostly due to having to fix my Jigoku Files story. It's never a good feeling to finish a writing project like that only to discover that it's full of mistakes. It's no wonder people haven't been reading it!

That being said, I do have some good news. This story is now featured on TVtropes! That's right! I discovered it on Thanksgiving Day of all days and needless to say, I'm pretty excited. So thank you to Victorio M Wolff-Haddock for recommending my fic for TVtropes. I'm glad I was dubbed worthy!

See you guys later!)