Dark Lords in Baby Food Jars

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters/names/and such you recognize. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fan fiction. I also must give credit where credit is due. Val – I heart you. We are insane and should be locked up but alas we're not. So we can write all this messed up stuff.

Chapter 3: well that's incredibly non-threatening

At Voldemorts hideout

Regulus is now his normal color - Voldemort is still in the mason jar and baby harry is playing with Nagini

Baby Harry: SLUG

Regulus: shut up brat

Voldemort: Shut up, I'm watching my soaps.

Regulus: So, he's really her half-brother.

Voldemort: Yes

Regulus: Dude! They're snogging!

Voldemort: Yes, I see that.

Regulus: Hardly, your reception is terrible. I can barely see a thing.

Voldemort: Then fix it. You can still use a wand, can't you?

Regulus: Right, I knew that.

Voldemort: Sure you did.

Regulus fixes the tellie. It then promptly catches on fire and explodes.

Voldemort: You call that fixing it?

Regulus: Well, now we don't need to see a brother and sister snog.

Voldemort: Half-siblings. There's a difference. Besides, they don't know that yet.

Regulus: Whatever, it's still messed up.

Voldemort: You still have purple on your nose.

Regulus: Really? (Looks in a mirror) I don't see any.

Voldemort: Oh, it's there, you're just missing it. Take me to the fireplace and call Lucius

Regulus: What for?

Voldemort: No reason. Now, leave.looks and sees Regulus still standing in the same place You haven't left yet.

Regulus: Oh, you meant now?

Voldemort: by 'now' i meant a quarter past fifteen minutes ago

Regulus: dumb expression I Don't get it.

Voldemort: By 'now' I meant 'NOW'

Regulus: why didn't u just say that in the first place.

Voldemort: cuz i like talking in riddles. If Dumbledore can do it, so can I. Dumbledore, with his beard...and hair...and undisembodied body I hate him.

Voldemort: LUCIUS! LUCIUS!

Lucius appears at fire.

Lucius: You rang, mi Lord?

Voldemort: Get your slimy blonde butt over here.

Lucius: now my lord?

Voldemort: yes now. Of course now. Malfoy.

Lucius: but my lord -

Voldemort: when your master says 'now' you should be here already

Lucius: Sigh Coming, mi Lord

Lucius arrives soon after with a baby bottle in one hand and baby Draco in the other

Voldemort: What are those?

Lucius: Narcissa is out for a day with the girls. I'm stuck watching the runt.

Voldemort: You're not very fond of him, are you?

Lucius: let's just say it came as a surprise.

Voldemort: you knew about it for a couple of months, didn't you?

Lucius: no.I just thought she got very fat.

Lucius sets baby Draco down next to Baby Harry who had just tied Nagini into a knot.

Lucius: well, isn't he lovely. Is he yours?

Voldemort: does it look like i can produce children?

Lucius: You look different, mi Lord. Did you lose weight?

Voldemort: In a manner of speaking.

Lucius: ah, well then. looks at the babies Aww, they're getting along so well.

Babies Harry and Draco are wrestling

Lucius: Harry, can you say 'Lucius'?

Baby Harry: Luscious

Lucius: not quite, Harry. Hmm. what's that on his forehead?

Voldemort: it's a cut.

Lucius: it looks like a little slug.

Voldemort: well that's incredibly non-threatening

Lucius: what did you do to the boy?

Voldemort: i tried to KILL him. That was my entire plan. Do you not pay attention. Luscious?

Lucius: That was uncalled for.

Voldemort: I'm the dark lord, everything i DO is called for.

Baby Draco: to voldemort MUDBLOOD

Voldemort: (in baby speech) no no baby draco, i am the dark lord, to be feared by all

Baby Draco: mudblood

Baby Harry: poopie - head

Baby Draco: giggle

Voldemort: did your son just giggle?

Lucius: absolutely not. he was having a small seizure. - Now that you've properly insulted me and my son. what is it that you wanted, mi lord?

Voldemort: ok 1: this isn't the dark ages. do not call me 'mi lord'. However. my lord is acceptable. 2: If he calles me mudblood again. the line will end w/ him. and C: -

Lucius: mi lord. 3 comes after 2, not C.

Voldemort: Don't question me. Can't u see I'm distraught. I'm stuck in a JAR!

Lucius: sorry mi lord.

Voldemort: i told you not to call me that

Lucius: Sorry TOM

Voldemort: that is DEFINETLY uncalled for

Lucius: now what do u want me to do?

Voldemort: as i was saying. C: Kill the boy

Lucius: my son?

Voldemort: no, the OTHER boy.

Lucius: what little Harry? but look at him, he's so cute.

Voldemort: cute? Cute, but fiendishly wicked. Maybe we shouldn't kill him.

Baby Harry: poopie head

Lucius: oh, incredibly wicked.

Voldemort: just kill him

Regulus: but he's sooo cute. can i keep him?

Voldemort: are you gonna feed every day. can u be responsible for this? I don't think you're ready for this

Lucius: he's not a pet

Voldemort: you act like yours is

Lucius: but he's mine. and he get fed...most of the time

Voldemort: Kill him or face the wrath of Lord Voldemort!

Shakes around and falls over.

Voldemort: Damnit, Regulus, get another jar

Regulus: that's the last one sir

Voldemort: Fuck

Lucius: EARMUFFS

Baby Draco puts his hands over his ears.

Voldemort: for the last time. Kill the whelp.

Lucius: Yes lord. Clears throat Avada Kedavra

Spell rebounds off Baby Harry, ricochets and hits Regulus

Regulus: what, I don't get go be wispish?

Voldemort: your not dark enough to be wispish.

Regulus: How am I dead? Why is HE not dead? Why am I dead? Why is the rum gone?

Voldemort: WE HAD NO RUM! IT WAS GONE TO BEGIN WITH.

Regulus: why did the whelp live?

Voldemort: What is this kid made out of Teflon?

Lucius: Snips and Snails and puppy dog tails. That's what little boys are made of

Voldemort: enough with the rhymes. Can you fix the tellie Lucius?

Lucius: Okay, mi lord

Voldemort: YAY

Voldemort: Thank you.

Lucius fixes the tellie.

Voldemort: Ah, just in time for As the World Turns. Very nicely done, Lucius.

Lucius: Thank you, sir. Would you like some popcorn?

And that's it. Our random and totally messed fic that comes along when you get two crazy fan girls talking about the books and who's gonna die in the 7th one. Although, it doesn't matter now, cuz Siri is dead and unless she kills off Harry, all the good characters are gone (not counting Lupin - but he's suffered enough. (that's never stopped her though))