What's under my pillow?
Tears.
What's under my pillow?
Pain.
What's under my pillow?
So much more than you will ever imagine.
Okay, so just beacause i hid there a nice little canibal bunny once, it doesn't mean that you know what my pillow hides.
And definetly, "just don't let him show you what he hides under his pillow!" is uncalled for...Why did you do it? Turning my gratest pains into a nice joke to share with the big greek god?
Only pain, lots of it, that's what my pillow hides, sometimes i throw it away, just letting the pain go through my body, slowly, memories floding back, memories of mom and dad, of declan and siobhan, of brendan kickin' my ass whenever i was doing something stupid...okay so maybe it hides more than just pain, sometimes it's actually beautiful.
But not always, why do i throw the pillow away, why can't i just forget?...I'm tired, must go to sleep...but will the pillow be in place today, or it will be just one of those nights...when no dream comes, just nightmares.
Maybe I won't let it slip of my bunk today, tonight, but then again who knows anymore...Trance always says things are all the same and all different, kinda like her, first purple, now gold...Purple Trance is under my pillow too, she hides there and gives me a small smile whenever things get to hard.
I loved that Trance, the one who wasn't afraid of me...no wait I'm afraid of her..Hmm, well just another pain to add to the collection, it's starting to pile up...Maybe I should stop now, stop thinking about the pain, and remember the nice times, but then again I don't hide those in the pillow, I keep those in my heart...the first snow flakes I ever saw, the first time I met Beka, the time Trance
kicked me with her tail, now that wasn't so fun...well maybe just a little, okay so a little more, who am I kidding...Oh and Beka well who could orget Beka and that not so pleasant boyfriend of hers, but then again he made me want a data port, add to my genius...Harper down to Earth! Man I should learn not to scream in my own mind again..At least this isn't one of those screams that wake me up, those screams that no one knows about, the screams that only my mind cand hear
The ones that I can't talk about...I wish those would go away, but then I set my head down and the pillow brings them back all over again.
Oh, Beka I wish you knew what I hide there, would you think it's funny then! I don't think so..Hmm, you were shocked to hear I...No not this thing again, it has to end, but then again, I already know it won't why would it, I'm wide awake, nothing to stall the memories, at least at night I have the pillow...Bad dreams and memories, aparently there is no way to get away, what was that thing Brendan use to say, think of the game and it will all go away, right cousin, think of the game, that's what I need now, ot think of little magog babies...BABIES! No, MONSTERS!
Stop screaming stupid mind...I'm tired of this...I want, I want ...I want to die, that and nothing more, at least I would know that this creatures will die with me.
But what if they don't?What if it will all be to late?
No, no...I will just set this under the pillow to, my own little dirty secret, or was that dirty little secret?Who cares then again, this is not for the others. They can never know that under this little miserable piece of fabric my true heart lies, my heart, no my old self, the one that I was and maybe still am but not for them to see, I must be the funny little clown who fixes things, who cracks jokes in mid fight. only two people know the truth , me and my Pillow...maybe I should give it a name to, now that I decided it should be a person.
Please, hold todays pains within you and never let them come out. Mom told me this: "pillows keep your secrets, they gather your dreams and your pains and never let them out again" She wasn't wrong, but then again we didn't have all that many pillows...She wasn't right either, it still hurts, but it's easier when your tears don't just roll into nothingness.
That is what's under my pillow...not some dirty holo novel, not some weird holograms or naked girls...just me and my pains, and sometimes, but only sometimes a bit of hope, hope that with all the bad things I won't forget the good that sometimes, and again only sometimes I saw, and felt, my mothers fingers on my cheeks, her good night stories, her tears and her smiles...their death trying to save me.
But tonight let's remember my parents smiles and joys, ok Pillow?
The end.