Chapter Fifteen: In Which Felons Are Starved

"Thanks," said Sirius, opening it, grabbing a drumstick, sitting down on the cave floor, and tearing off a large chunk of teeth. "I've been living off rats mostly. Can't steal too much food from Hogsmeade; I'd draw too much attention to myself."

"Who else knows you are here?" inquired Harry.

"No one except you three and Dumbledore."

"Dumbledore knows?"

"Yeah. He's the one who suggested this cave," said Sirius casually.

Harry banged his head against the nearest wall.

"What?"

"Why didn't he send a Hogwarts house elf with food everyday? I mean, he could just order the elf to secrecy!" said Harry incredulously.

Hermione glared at Harry.

"Hey, just because I support their rights doesn't mean we can't use them!" he defended.

Hermione glared at Harry even harder.

"Uh — sorry?"

"That's better," said Hermione approvingly.

"Anyway, if Dumbledore can't arrange some food for you, then I'm not a Potter."

Bonus —

"Anyway, if Dumbledore can't arrange some food for you, then I'm not a Potter."

An owl swooped in, and dropped a letter into Harry's hands.

Surprised, Harry read the letter.

I'm displeased to inform you that you are my son, a product of my affair with Lily Evans. Your name is now Harry Severus Snape.

Yours biologically,

Severus Snape

PS: Your school fees will still be paid by your vault.

"WHAT!?"

Harry fainted.

Sirius started laughing, and didn't stop for a long time.

Hermione shook Harry awake.

"It was a prank! Got you!" said Sirius cheerfully.

Harry was still recovering from his shock; he retched.

"That was cruel. I didn't know you were capable of such juvenile behaviour, Sirius," said Hermione, sounding disappointed.

"In my defense, my diet consisted of rodents."

"And now we know who to blame for this."

"Celestina Warbeck? Her music's terrible," suggested Ron.

"No! If Dumbledore had given him food worthy of being eaten, Sirius wouldn't have played this cruel prank on Harry."

"If you see it that way, Fudge is to blame for this. If he hadn't been such a prat, Sirius would have been a free man long ago," Ron said.

"It's also Pettigrew's fault for running away and forcing Sirius to hide."

"Then you should also put blame on You-Know-Who's mother for giving birth to a murderer."

"His father wasn't a saint, either. He should take half the blame, too!"

"Are you a feminist, Hermione?" said Ron, with a tone of disgust in his voice.

"Do you have any problem with that?" screamed Hermione.

"Yes! Men are obviously better than women!"

Hermione said hotly, "It is people like you, Ron, who prop up lazy and unjust systems —"

"The strong rules the weak. That's how it works in nature!" argued Ron.

"So you think you are stronger than me?"

"Obviously!"

They both pulled out their wands at the same time.

"Shouldn't we try to stop them?" said Harry weakly.

"Nah. Its entertaining to watch, innit?"

AN: Don't starve, dear Sirius! Just use a house elf! Also, Harry can just ask Dobby to do it. Or any other magical method of getting food from Hogwarts to the cave.

Also, the author claims no responsibility for any brain damage resulting from reading the bonus part. *Insert crazed laughter here*