The cold morning air inside the cabin thickened with steam. Beams of light illuminated swirling patterns in the small bathroom of Jade's aunt's cabin. Cat, Jade, and Tori had been promised a weekend for a girls only camping trip in August, a negotiation Jade had made with her Aunt Renee. Her father's sister was about the only relative Jade could truly trust; she was the only one to call him out on all of the shit he pulled to ultimately rip their family apart. So, since Jade was willing to pet sit for Renee, she earned 3 nights with friends up in her cabin.
Tori reached an arm out from behind the curtain to grab a towel off of the hook next to the shower. The second after she had wrapped herself, she heard a knock on the door. "Come in!"
Jade's appearance was accompanied by an eerie creaking sound from the door. Forgetting to wash her face the night prior created a dark outline around her eyes of day-old eyeliner and mascara. Tori noticed Jade's entrance from the reflection in the mirror. She shifted her eyes back to her own face and studied the cut on her forehead from running into an inconveniently sharp tree branch the other night.
"Good morning, Harry," Jade's voice sounded from behind the brunette.
Tori scowled. "Harry?" She turned to face her friend who was pulling her tank top off above her head. The sight of Jade's sports bra forced Tori's wandering eyes to turn themselves away.
Jade dropped the tank top to the floor. "Oh, I'm sorry. Your head makes you look like…" she trailed off, motioning her hand to her head and drawing a lightning symbol. Noticing that Tori was no longer looking at her, Jade gave up her joke. Jade's amusement was often dismissed by Tori's occasional obliviousness to common things like a Harry Potter reference. She was getting used to it, though. It's the thought that counts. Jade didn't need Tori to realize she was being picked on to enjoy it.
"Nevermind. Are you almost done? I'm freezing."
Tori sighed and grabbed her clothes off the chair. "Yeah, sorry," she muttered before scurrying past the other.
"I hope you didn't use all of the hot water," Jade grumbled turning the knob.
"No promises!" Tori called back before shutting the door behind her.
Cat had used the shower first since she had been awake for a few hours. She sang a soft, airy ' Good Morning!' to Tori as she brushed her long locks of velvet hair. The girls had stayed up late the night before, telling stories and confessions around the firepit near the water. Tori was dressed quickly after entering her crowded room. Cat and Tori were sharing a room smaller than a college dorm room for the weekend. If it was a completely comfortable sleeping situation, it wouldn't be 'camping' in a cabin, Tori had reminded herself several times. Cat wasn't disruptive until she woke up as soon as the sun came up every day. She explained that her brother wakes up early to watch his favorite cartoons that air at 5:00 AM. Tori was a heavy sleeper and wasn't too bothered, but knew she would sleep even worse if she had shared a room with Jade.
Tori dressed quickly, eventually joining Cat at the counter in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal.
"So, ready for the hike today?" Cat hopped out of her chair in order to show Tori her new bright yellow sneakers she had brought to hike in.
"Cat, those are really cute shoes!"
"Thank you!" The redhead giggled and twirled around. Tori caught the scent of her friend's shampoo as her hair whipped around with her.
"Aren't you worried about getting them all dirty?"
Cat's excited movements ceased as her big brown eyes swelled with sadness. "No. Why?"
Tori blinked. "Well, um. We're going hiking. So, you know… walking through the woods might-"
"Oh my God, will there be bears?!"
Just then, Jade appeared from the bathroom. "Hungry bears." She bared her teeth and chomped, prompting a shriek from Cat.
Tori shot Jade a look of disappointment. "No, Cat. We'll be safe. Jade's just a grunch."
Blue eyes sparkled before Jade winked at the brunette.
After the three finished breakfast, they hopped in Jade's car to drive to the nearest hiking trail fifteen minutes down the flashed back to one summer ago. She had attended Hollywood Arts for a year, made several friends, and had made countless memories in between all of the chaos. Somehow, her second year at school was even better than the first. With her Senior year approaching, Tori couldn't bear to acknowledge how all of this would soon become a memory. She had it too good, and all good things come to an end. She had always deemed that phrase to be dramatic and pessimistic, but she never experienced this reality until she had almost everything she wanted. It wasn't until she was just a few steps behind where she had always dreamed herself to be in her adulthood that she saw this statement to be true: all good things come to an end.
Being inredibly sentimental her whole life, Tori did not doubt that amazing things awaited her in her future, but she would always love, and eventually miss the "good" of the current moment. The "good" of riding shotgun in Jade's car, convincing her to listen to Lorde in her car, finally feeling comfortable enough with a friend who finally seemed to appreciate all of her efforts in the friendship. She would miss the "good" Jade did for her in return: teaching Tori how to demand the best out of every situation, how to never apologize for getting what she deserves, and how to fight for what she wanted. The brunette was not entirely sure if Jade considered Tori one of her best friends, but she absolutely deemed Jade as one of hers whether it was reciprocated or not.
Lorde continued to play on Jade's car radio as they traveled down the winding road. Cat was harmonizing with Tori from the backseat, swaying her head back and forth to the beat.
Cat also played an incredibly significant role in Tori's life at this stage in her life. Cat was bold, unique, never afraid to be herself, always lifting others up, and passionate about happy endings. Though she had her flaws, Cat was the perfect balance Tori needed while having Jade as her other best friend. She was incredibly loyal, not only to treating everyone with kindness, but also with her honesty. She was able to point out when her friends weren't being fair, when they had hurt her feelings, or when they needed to treat themselves better. Tori often regretted that she could sometimes forget Cat's emotional intelligence. It definitely took a long time to understand how her brain works, and she is still learning, but Tori has no doubt by this point how Cat's heart is made of gold.
The morning sun peeked through the trees, casting rapid shape-shifting shadows onto Jade's fair skin. Tori noticed how her friend's flawless skin captured the golden glow. It made her want to reach out and touch. Her hands did not move, so she looked down to them and thought about what that might have felt like.
Jade made the girls check that they had their phones on them and that they had service. After lecturing Cat about leaving her phone in a safe place on the trip, the three started on the trail.
Cat talked about everything, and yet she hardly said anything. Jade was not paying an ounce of attention to the girl's words, protective of the group's safety. Tori half listened to Cat's stories and kept her eyes on her feet that miraculously had not yet caused her to twist her ankles. She was also looking after Jade; she looked lost, but not in regards to the trail. She was too quiet and was not making any snarky remarks in return to Cat's antics. Tori figured Jade had been on this path before, remembering she had told the two that she used to come out here with her aunt as a kid. Lost in her imagination, Tori pictured Jade as a kid, navigating the woods with wide eyes and breathing in the fresh air. She saw a hopeful, curious, driven young girl who held the world in her hands and absolutely no idea just how talented she would be when she was older. Maybe Jade's remembering the last time she was here, Tori thought.
"Jade," Cat began, interrupting Tori's daydream, "you're a liar!"
"The broody girl stopped ahead of them and turned around. "What?"
"If the bears were hungry, they would have been out looking for food by now," Cat offered, giggling after seeing Jade's smile. Tori shifted her stance, noticing her heart suddenly beating really fast.
"They would have already eaten you if they were hungry," Jade responded, turning back around to lead them.
Fifteen more minutes of hiking. Tori's feet were beginning to hurt, but she didn't dare say anything. Cat was alert, checking her surroundings frequently. Jade had yet to start a conversation and Tori couldn't bear the silence any longer.
"Can we play truth or dare?"
"No," Jade replied sternly.
Tori groaned. "I'm so-"
"If you say the 'b' word I will be very unhappy-"
"Not bored," Tori replied cautiously. "I just hate silence."
Jade finally turned around to meet Tori's eyes. The brunette felt that warm feeling in her chest again. Her friend was so beautiful she was almost envious of it.
"Fine. Tori: Truth or dare?" Jade turned to keep the group moving, as they were almost to their destination.
"Truth!" Tori chirped, smiling and keeping her head down to contain her obvious excitement.
"Is it true that you snore in your sleep?"
All excitement gone, Tori's eyes burned in Cat's direction, who was studying a leaf she picked up. Jade snorted, ready to take in the argument about to begin.
The brunette blinked, waiting to see if Cat had even been listening. "Cat, did you tell Jade I snore in my sleep?"
Her big eyes looked up to Jade, her face ridden with panic again. "What? No!"
Jade gasped. "So you admit it?"
Tori groaned, stomping one of her feet which halted her friends. "It's only sometimes! We're in the woods, what do you expect, I have allergies!"
Blue eyes fixed on Tori's. "I didn't even know, I was just guessing."
Damn you, Jade West. "That's just mean."
"Well, you know me. Your turn!"
Tori crossed her arms. The three continued walking. "Okay… Jade, truth or dare?"
"What about me?" Cat whined.
"I asked Jade-"
"You can be it next round, Cat," Jade offered. She turned around to glance at Jade, her eyes suggesting mischief. "Truth."
Tori was so eager to get Jade back that she had forgotten she actually needed to think of a worthy question first. Jade waited with anticipation of what Vega would come up with.
"Okay. Who have you had your eyes on since Beck?"
Jade would have stopped to turn around and yell at Tori, but that might have given the real answer away. "No one really," she lied.
Tori bumped her shoulder into Jade's, boiling the blood of the dark haired girl. "That sounds like a lie to me."
"I mean, maybe I've thought about people but no one in particular. And nothing serious, so I'm going to say no one. I haven't actively wanted to date anybody, no-"
"What about Moose?" Tori smirked. "We all went crazy over him-"
"GROSS . I didn't," Jade growled, keeping her eyes as far from Tori as possible. "I just didn't want either of you to have him."
Cat huffed. "We aren't very good at this game-"
"Well, as long as we're all being honest here," Jade began, knowing she was hiding a lot of large details from her love interest life after Beck. "Cat, your turn."
The bubbly girl perked up quickly. "Okay… Tori-"
"No-"
"Why so nervous, Vega?" Jade crossed her arms and licked her lips.
"I'm not!" Tori lied. "Go ahead, Cat."
Jade let out a small laugh at how often Tori would disregard her own discomfort to have the last word.
"If you could date anyone from school before graduating, who would it be?"
Jade squinted her eyes shut, reminding herself over and over again to not snap. Tori was silent, pondering the question wholeheartedly.
"Um… I don't know, really. I've been happy to not really think about anyone in that way lately."
Cat nodded. "That's fair. I don't know if I believe you though."
"Yeah, that sounds like a lie to me," Jade mocked while crossing her arms.
Tori threw her hands in the air in defeat. "Fine! I really … got it bad for Sinjin-"
Jade and Cat simultaneously screamed, laughing hard as the three stopped for a moment. "I think you'd make a smokin' couple, Tori," Jade offered.
Tori smiled, sighing in relief. "Okay, whose turn?"
"This game is lame. I don't wanna play," Jade said shortly.
Another sigh of relief from Tori. "Okay, good. I know, I just couldn't stand the silence before-"
"I liked it," Jade interrupted. "Tori, I think being outside would do wonders for your squirrly little brain."
Tori scrunched her nose. "Little?"
"My brother is afraid of birds. He thinks they're spies for the government," Cat whispered.
Jade patted Cat on the shoulder. "That's too bad for him."
The dialogue fizzled out again, replaced by the wind rustling the leaves of the trees and their footsteps on the forest floor. Soon enough, the girls made it to a stop overlooking the river. There were large surfaces of rock for the girls to sit on as they listened to the sounds of the water crashing past them. White noise wasn't enough to tame the raging thoughts occurring in Jade's mind right now. Tori's skin was golden in the sun, every single thing about her just radiated light. She was cursing herself every single time her eyes lingered toward her friend, but something kept pulling her back. Cat's presence in fact wasn't enough to stop Jade from feeling romantic with Tori, but Jade had hoped it would be. She absolutely no other reason to invite Cat this weekend other than making sure Jade didn't accidentally confess her feelings.
Everything else in the world fades away when Tori's around, even the bad things. They're not fixed, or solved, or gone forever, but Tori is there and suddenly everything bad about life is far away and quiet.
I don't want to lose her. I can't.
The last night in the cabin was nearing its end. The girls had stayed up late around the campfire again, talking about plans for the school year and showcases they could put together before leaving. Tori could have sworn Jade had been staring at her a few times, they couldn't seem to keep their eyes away from each other.
Cat had gone to bed early, as usual. Jade wasn't getting ready for bed, Tori noticed upon seeing the girl staring off into space. She was sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs.
"Hey, you okay?" Tori offered from across the room.
Jade didn't respond. Her eyes didn't move, but the girl standing from afar could see her friend's body stiffen. Unsure of what to do, Tori shuffled her feet until a few seconds passed of continued silence. Just as she was ready to turn away and go to her room, Jade spoke up.
"Um…" she stopped to change the tone of her voice. She was uncomfortably emotional and needed to hide it, especially from Tori who would just make it worse. "I'm just thinking about… a lot."
Tori nodded, slowly walking to sit in the chair across from Jade. She could read all over the other's face that she was upset. "What's up?"
Jade offered a half smile. "I'm scared."
Brown eyes widened in surprise. "You? Scared?"
"I know, big surprise," the fair skinned girl rolled her eyes. "Only one more year of all of this… and then everything is going to change."
As she could definitely relate, Tori took a deep breath and relaxed into her chair knowing a long conversation was ahead of them.
"I know. It's weird to think about. I get sad too," she added softly.
Jade shook her head. "No, it's not sad. I'm not sad about losing anything I have…" She began. Tori felt a growing ache in her chest, scolding herself for thinking that maybe Jade would actually miss her. "It's just that I don't do well with new people."
Tori fidgeted with her two hands. "You don't exactly 'do well' with anyone you've known here for years as it is," she replied as kindly as possible. Of course, Jade's reaction was unpleasant.
"I literally brought you here for the weekend and you just said what to me ?" Jade spoke through her teeth.
Tori's cheeks flushed. "No! No, no," her heart jumped to an unbearable rate as she tried to justify her previous words that she didn't mean maliciously at all. "I know you can be shy-"
"I'm not shy," Jade argued. Tori held her breath, reminding herself that sometimes people just need to vent, and don't want to hear endless words of encouragement. "I just don't trust people. And although, you, more than anyone else, can get on my nerves from time to time, I can trust you."
Warmth washed over the place in Tori's chest that had been hurting before as she smiled at the other. "And you still can. We'll still be there for you, Jade." She wanted to hug the other, but knew it wasn't wanted. Jade especially hates anyone touching her when she's upset.
"Until you aren't," Jade muttered. That's when Tori couldn't bear to hear anything more without doing something about it. She stood from her chair to take the empty seat next to Jade on the couch. The dark haired girl's body shifted away as the other sat down.
The brunette slowly reached her hand out toward her friend's arm. "Can I touch you?"
"What?" Jade hissed back. She wanted to say yes, but she wouldn't. Should I? No.
Brown eyes fell back to fidgeting hands. "You really mean a lot to me, Jade-"
"Gross, " she spit back, making an ugly frowning face as a joke.
The other giggled, accepting that physical affection wouldn't be happening any time soon. "I'm serious. I've been thinking about it all weekend."
Jade's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"
The brunette sighed, sincerely hoping she would get a hug by the end of the night after all of this emotional talk. "You've made me a better person."
"That's impossible-"
"Jade, shut up. Just shut up for once and let me say something nice about you!" Tori's voice shook as she held back tears. She took a breath before continuing. "Look, I know you're working out a lot of personal things. I know how much you have grown over the years because I've seen it. And I know that what I see doesn't really matter, but I can't stand to know that you think that you're just temporary and unimportant to everyone."
Jade was going to open her mouth to speak, but Tori stopped her before she could. "And don't tell me you don't like me because I'm here with you right now. So that's clearly not true."
Finally, a laugh came out of the blue eyed girl as she fixed her hair. "Everyone is going to remember me as the weirdo...sadistic bitch."
Tori was surprised that this was seemingly an unideal way for Jade to be remembered. "Oh… well, how do you want to be remembered? Geez, it sounds like we're talking about dying or something, I don't mean it like that."
"Well we'll die eventually-"
"Nope, we're not going there right now," Tori smiled, appreciating how Jade was joking and smiling herself again, too.
Jade sighed, repositioning her legs so she was slightly closer to Tori. "I just want to feel special to someone."
You're so special to me, Tori thought. She could only show so much of her emotions without Jade snapping again, though. "Awww-"
"Shut up, Vega. It's human, we all want to feel special to somebody," Jade explained, realizing this is something she had been craving for her entire life, but it was never something she said out loud. It wasn't even an experience she had remembered while dating Beck. He didn't make her feel special; she felt tolerated, managed, sometimes even lectured. He never found the source of her emotions; he neglected them and scolded her reactions, which she knew was often fair, but that's about as far as he went to try and truly understand her.
Unsure of how to articulate exactly how significant Jade was to her, Tori finally reached her hand out to rest on Jade's knee. She noticed her friend slightly shift at the contact, but something in the air between them changed. Jade didn't pull away, either.
"Come here," Tori whispered, allowing her arm behind Jade's back so she could lean on her friend's shoulder. And she did. It was involuntarily, the way Jade's arm wrapped around Tori's stomach. Jade cried silently now that her face was hidden, commanding every bone in her body to remain still so Tori didn't notice. Jade takes a note of how she feels Tori's body moving with every breath, how her fingers lightly graze and dance along Jade's back, how Tori plays with long strands of silky dark hair, how Tori keeps saying reassuring things in a comforting tone. It's like a dream, Jade thinks before remembering the status of their relationship: friends.
Eventually, they break apart and Jade goes to bed after thanking the other for staying up with her. Tori doesn'tquite know how to describe the emotion she feels knowing that she can't sleep next to Jade for the night. That would be weird, friends don't do that. You're just a cuddler. It would be strange sleeping in the same bed. I don't mean to be gross, I just hate that she's alone. It's not like that.
Maybe one day she would understand.