A/N: No content warnings, but buckle up for an angsty ride!
Apparently, I am bisexual.
I once thought I only liked boys, and then apparently I met Jade.
But maybe I started liking girls even before Jade. Maybe that's why I was so close with my friend Sarah in middle school. She would braid my hair and hug me and play with my hands, and it made me feel special. More special than any time a boy would compliment me.
What if this is just a phase? I feel like everyone has that curious phase in their life, especially in their teen years. Maybe it won't stick, and I'll be wrong and everyone will think I was doing it for attention all along.
But, I said it myself… I told Andre that I like girls.
I told Jade that I like girls.
I didn't tell Jade that she was the girl I liked. There must have been some big reason for that. I can't lose her. Jade likes girls, and knows that I like girls. And if we were supposed to be together, we would be together by now. Wouldn't we?
"Fuck," Tori slapped her hands to her head, regretting the reaction to her frustration once her skin started tingling at the source of the aggressive contact. She pulled her phone off her nightstand and felt the screen burn her eyes that had already been stinging from crying.
Today, 11:09 PM
I can't tell her. it's going to ruin the whole friendship.
You don't have to tell her. You have to sing your song first, then you can tell her if you want
do you think she could like me?
I really cannot answer that because I don't want to put any ideas in your head
well like, I don't know, am I the type of person that people would want to date?
Hell yeah!
okay, but not a girl who's the polar opposite of me, right?
Why must you sabotage yourself like this? I'm NOT letting you sneak out of this one girl.
ugh… I'd rather never say anything because I would never forgive myself if I lost her as a friend.
Like I said, she wouldn't do that to you.
well, how would you know?
Cause she's Jade, she's really chill like that
Jade… chill?
Well, you know what I mean
I mean I don't.
I'm gonna crawl in a hole and never talk to anyone again
No, you're not. You're going to sing the song at Prome on Friday
I hate you
That's the spirit!
Tuesday.
Tori finds herself at the lunch table first with a salad that refuses to spark an appetite in her. It's not the salad's fault, she hasn't been able to eat since last night.
Cat shows up first carrying a large shopping bag. "Hi, Tori!"
The brunette opens the lid to her salad container and tries to make it seem like she's feeling perfectly normal. "Hey. Whatcha got there?"
"A giant Magic 8 ball! And it's soft and squishy like a stuffed animal!"
Tori's eyes bulged out of her head when she saw the size of the thing, not quite as big as a yoga ball, but pretty comparable. "Whoa, uhhh, that's quite the novelty item you got there. Where'd you get it?"
Cat giggled and turned away. "Uh, somewhere…" she trailed off and burst into giggles again.
The other figured maybe she shouldn't ask again. "Well, I wanna see it work!"
Cat held the ball so the spot with the dice faced her. "Hmmm… Is Tori my friend?" she asked before shaking it vigorously as her voice shook with her intense body movement. Tori couldn't help but laugh, wondering what it would be like to live with the child-like innocence Cat possesses. What she would do to have that kind of life instead.
The dice appeared in the blue liquid, reading: It is decidedly so.
"See! It's never wrong!" Cat declared proudly.
Don't be stupid, Tori. Don't be stupid. Don't. Do not… "Alright, I'll try one."
Tori took the ball from Cat while studying it a bit. She was still baffled with the size of it and why someone would need such a large Magic 8 ball in the first place. "Okay, ummm-"
"Is that a giant Magic 8 ball?" Beck's voice sounded from a few feet away. Tori turned to see Jade beside him, pretty as ever, perfect as ever. But she was with Beck, and the jealousy starts up again.
"Yeah! Don't you want to know you're fate?" Tori would be happy to get out of this situation, fate had been a touchy topic with her lately.
"Sure," Beck sat down and took the giant plush ball from the other. "Will I ever break my leg in my lifetime?"
Jade sat down and gave Tori a shy smile as Beck vigorously shook the Magic 8 ball. Tori couldn't tear her eyes away from Jade, and couldn't figure out why she was acting so timid.
Beck shook his head and smiled before showing the rest of the group the response: Cannot predict now.
Cat frowned. "Fooey. Jade?"
"You know those things don't mean anything, right?" She folded her arms and raised an eyebrow at Cat.
"You don't know that!"
The dark-haired girl scoffed. "Fate isn't real."
Cat slumped in her seat, suddenly let down by the entire game. "Well, I think it is."
"I do too," Tori spoke hesitantly in support of Cat. "Someone or something , somewhere, must have really wanted me to get hit by a car, but I think it's fate that you are all my friends. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you all."
Well, this is weird, Andre isn't even at the table yet, Jade thought. "Okay, that's your choice."
Jade spoke politely, but Tori was somewhat offended by her passive response. It was hard for the brunette to accept that sometimes, she wouldn't be able to change someone's mind about a large existential topic like this. "You really don't think anything happens for a reason?
"No, we're born 'cause our horny idiot parents fucked once-"
"Whoa," Beck sighed in surprise at Jade's explanation taking this turn. Jade continued after smirking, "...and too many things are out of my control right now for me to support almost everything about how life works."
Tori frowned. "Well, I certainly didn't need that vision of my parents."
Beck shook his head. "Me neither."
"I don't mean to be rude or blunt, I won't convince anybody else of my opinion. That's just how I feel," Jade shrugged and returned to her sandwich container that had yet to be opened.
Tori looked to the boy again, knowing she would always fall for a superstitious game like this. "Okay, give it to me."
Jade's attention was drawn away from her food when Tori aggressively grabbed the ball out of Beck's hands and stared intensely at it. Andre approached her from behind and attempted to figure out exactly what it was Tori was holding. She closed her eyes, and wouldn't dare to speak her question out loud: Does Jade feel the same way about me?
As opposed to Beck and Cat's excessive shaking of the 8 ball, Tori shook it twice and squinted nervously at the screen. The dice inside wouldn't reveal itself to the screen, no matter how Tori tried to move it around.
"What? It's-it's not…"
Cat leaned over to see what was going on, and gasped as she snatched it out of Tori's hands. "What did you do to it?!"
"Nothing! I shook it lightly!"
Jade's voice shifted to a sarcastic tone. "It didn't work because you didn't say your question out loud."
"I don't want to!" Tori hissed through her teeth while snatching the ball back from Cat. She vigorously shook it as three concerned friends sat and stared in confusion and slight horror.
Andre finally sat down next to Tori, patting her shoulder a bit. Beck laughed nervously and ran a hand through his hair. "It was probably me, sorry Cat. Let me see, Tori."
She finally gave up and handed Beck the ball back with a long sigh. Jade wondered what the question was while returning to eat her sandwich.
"Ugh, it's gonna be impossible to get another one of these things," Cat groaned.
Jade scowled and locked eyes with Cat. "Where did you find it?"
Big brown eyes lost their contact with Jade's. "Nowhere."
"Cat, tell us where you got the Magic 8 ball."
"Okay, okay! There's a guy I know at the mall who has a really scary shop, but he gave it to me for free!"
"What shop at the mall?" Beck continued his questioning, taking the ball from Cat and trying to make the dice work properly again. Tori still had yet to feel the desire to eat her food.
Cat sighed. "Well, it's… more like, a guy that lives out of his car in the parking lot at the mall."
"And you just… took this thing from him?"
"Yeah! He found a real pillow to use so he didn't need that anymore!"
Beck threw the ball behind his head immediately as Jade reached in her bag to pull a bottle of hand sanitizer for everyone.
"Guess what I just found out?" Andre attempted to change the subject.
"What?" Tori asked while taking the hand sanitizer from Beck.
"The local news channel is coming to Prome to get some footage of you performing on Friday!"
Tori practically fell off the bench as she scrambled to get herself on her feet and sprinting toward the door into school. It happened so quickly that there was no time to react. Jade was almost upset at how much pressure Tori would be under, knowing that she could have a bad reaction to the night in general.
"That's exciting!" Cat offered once the attention was brought back to the table.
Jade folded her arms. "Not really."
Beck rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's so bad to be recognized on TV."
"It is," Jade began. "It's too much pressure and she's already incredibly nervous. They're gonna ask her stuff like 'How does performing feel after your accident?' and 'What is your career plan moving forward? Do you still want to pursue a career in music?'"
"What's wrong with that?" Andre asked. He would give anything to get the attention Tori was about to receive on Friday. Maybe Jade was jealous of it, too.
"No one can go through something like this and just use it as an inspiring news story. Tori doesn't know what she wants and doesn't need to just because she's performing at a prom."
"I agree with Jade," Cat spoke softly. "Why did Tori just find out from you? Why didn't she know before?"
"Well, I just heard it from my professor. And he figured they'd want to interview Tori because, you know, people around town know. She was all over the internet when it happened and everyone shared the story," Andre's speech slowed, and he suddenly realized that this was a rather tough situation for Tori to be in.
"That doesn't give them the right to invade her personal life at her high school just to get a story for their network. It doesn't sit right with me," Beck chimed in after realizing his fault in the initial response.
Andre took a deep sigh as his expression fell. "Well, shit."
"We can't let this happen. I'll go talk to her," Jade stood from the bench and gathered her things. "See you guys later."
Today, 11:42 AM
We're not gonna let some news crew come in and ruin the night for you. Where are you? I don't want you to be alone and afraid.
my locker. don't worry, i'm fine
Jade had already made it inside to the main hallway, and of course, Tori was anything but fine. She was on the floor, face pressed to her knees and her arms wrapped around her shins. Jade approached slowly and sat beside her. She would wait for Tori to initiate, and until then, lightly trace the hair down Tori's back. The brunette was almost positive that this contact was making her feel worse.
Tori finally sat up and looked at the floor in front of her. "This isn't what I want to be famous for."
The other nodded. "That's extremely understandable," Jade sighed.
"I'm not mad at Andre, but it was a little weird how excited he was over it."
Jade crossed one leg over the other. "He's always chasing the cameras. He wants to be a star, he's pretty desperate for it actually. Yet somehow, he's one of the most humble people I know. Everybody wants to be famous here, I guess."
Tori finally looked at the other, her voice still soft. "Do you?"
Jade shrugged. "I don't know yet. I'm not dying to be, but I wouldn't be upset if I never made it super big. I just want to believe in what I do. My own opinion is worth much more than anyone else's. If I've got money and I can live happily, the rest is just whatever, you know?"
These are way too many existential words out of Jade's mouth for one day. She's really level-headed and firm in her beliefs, though. Wish I was. "That makes sense," Tori sighed.
"So, I'm going to contact KTLA and tell them they can find some story about some slimy kid's lemonade stand instead, okay?"
Tori couldn't help but to laugh at Jade's phrasing. "No, you don't need to do that. Maybe my parents should contact them," Tori suggested. "But thank you."
Jade laughed too. "I'm still going to call them. I've always wanted to be a crazy random caller to a large company."
"Okay," Tori grunted as she stood from the floor, and Jade followed her lead. "Thanks for checking on me, and being the first to realize how annoying this all is."
"Any time. You okay?" Jade lightly placed her hand on Tori's arm, causing the brunette's knees to go weak.
"Yeah," Tori croaked, unable to soothe herself. Jade noticed Tori's answer wasn't strong, but she had to get going to her class so she said goodbye and disappeared around the corner.
Holly slammed her phone on the kitchen table. Tori remained calmly crunching on celery and ranch dressing.
"I cannot believe them. How are they going to try to argue with me about something like this?"
Tori shrugged. "They probably think it would be supportive. I don't know, it's not something a lot of people would understand. Nooo, don't put me on TV!"
Holly pressed her hand to her forehead. "I'm just glad I was able to convince them, finally."
Her daughter nodded, but was suspiciously quiet and seemed overwhelmed. "You okay?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess."
"Well, what's going on? I know when you're thinking about something, you know," Holly spoke softly and sat in the chair next to Tori.
It wasn't something she could bring up to her mom yet. She figured it wouldn't be an issue, since Holly's sister is gay, but it was an unspoken truth that Tori had never asked her mom to elaborate on. "Nothing. How's Aunt Mallory?"
Holly shook her head in bewilderment. "She's… fine. She texts me to see how you're doing sometimes."
Tori came up with a way to steer the conversation in a nonsuspicious direction. "I was just thinking about this, cause I know she's um, gay. And the play at school had just made me think about a lot of stuff, you know. Is she like, okay living her life? Is she safe and everything?"
Her mom shifted her posture, and Tori couldn't discern if she was angry or uncomfortable. "I definitely think she's okay now."
"Now?" Tori questioned while fidgeting with the end of her shirt.
Holly took a deep breath. "It was hard for her when she was young. Our parents didn't really believe her at first, but they certainly do now since she's been married for twelve years. It was hard for them to accept it. Not because they wanted to hate her, it was just a long battle with the beliefs they were raised with. They never did actually hate her, they love her very much."
Tori didn't know how to internalize this information, but an uncomfortable feeling grew in the back of her throat. "Well, they get along now, don't they?"
"In their own way," Holly replied, still holding a guard up.
"Well, how do you feel about it?" Tori finally managed. Every muscle in her body tensed as she looked away from her mom in fear of her response.
"It's never been a problem for me. I don't understand it myself, but I don't know why it's such a debated topic. You know? Live and let live."
Thank God. Though, she could say that now and feel incredibly different with me. "This was all kind of thrown in my face when I started doing rehearsals again."
Holly groaned. "I'm sorry, I should have talked to you more about it but I didn't want to be overbearing and aggressive."
"It's okay, I'm glad we're talking now. I think one of my friends might be gay," Tori whispered.
Holly's lips slanted as she went cross-eyed as a silly gesture. "Gee, I wonder who."
Tori laughed and finally felt comfortable enough to continue eating. "Robbie."
Really? This entire conversation with Tori, finally talking to her about this for the first time, and she outs Robbie? And not Jade? Or herself? God, this is going to take forever, Holly thought. She released her frustration and anticipation with a long sigh and stood from the table once again. "Yeah. Don't ask him, he'll say when he's ready."
Yeah, ain't that the truth. "That's true."
"Do you want to talk to your Aunt? She would probably be way better with this topic than I ever could be."
Tori felt warmth grow in her chest. She hadn't spoken to Aunt Mallory personally since the accident, but she had seen her at least once every summer every year of her life. She was always eager to learn what new music Tori was listening to, always willing to take her clothes shopping and buy her ice cream. She realized how much she missed her.
"Yeah! I'll take her number."
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is Tori."
"Oh my God! How are you, munchkin?!"
Tori couldn't help but smile. That endearment stuck around well after Tori's early childhood, and she figured it would never go away, but she was okay with that. "I'm okay. How are you?"
"I'm doing alright. How is everything going, is school okay?"
"Yeah, school is great. My friends have been amazing and the teachers are really helpful when I'm confused about everything."
"That's great to hear. I'm proud of you and how strong you are."
Don't make me cry already, damn it. "Thank you," Tori replied quietly while dabbing a tear from her eye.
"So what's up?"
Tori took a deep sigh, unable to hold back the tears. "Okay, um. This is going to be kind of weird. I have apparently told people this before, but I obviously don't remember that happening, but I kind of put together the pieces yesterday when something happened, and I really do think it's true-"
"Okay, slow down honey. You're speaking too fast again," Aunt Mallory laughed as she gazed out her back porch at the lake. "Is this something specific to you?"
"Yes," Tori began as her feet couldn't stop bouncing on the floor. "Um, I realized… that I… might have a crush."
Aunt Mallory burst into laughter. "That's fine! What's so bad about that, huh?"
"Well, it's um, it's a crush I have on my friend."
"Ohhh, yeah that can be scary. Well, what's his name?"
Tori chuckled and wiped more tears away from her eyes. "No, um. It's… her name is Jade."
Silence surrounded Tori, though she could hear some faint noises on the other line like Aunt Mallory was moving around or something. "Oh, Tori, it's okay! Don't cry, it's alright."
"I'm horrified, and I don't want to be seen as a joke or like I'm fucked up from the accident or I'm just confused and Jade's just really nice, like- what if it's not even true?"
"Sweetie, is this the girl with the dark clothes and scary eyes?"
"Yes," Tori laughed. It was so crazy how everyone put the word scary with Jade, because all Tori had ever felt was warmth and comfort from her even with her edgy look.
"Okay, yeah this makes total sense."
Tori sniffled. "It does?"
"Yesss, yes! I met her last year during the summer, you and your friends were heading to the beach and I ran into you while I was in town. You guys were getting some snacks at the grocery store or something before you headed out and we bumped into each other."
"Oh, that's a coincidence. So you met her? Jade?"
"Yeah, she's got a huge attitude, it's awesome."
Tori laughed. "You think it's awesome? Everyone keeps telling me she can be really mean."
"Yeah, I mean… I've heard a lot of stories you've told me about her, she was definitely nasty to you a bunch of times. So what changed?"
Tori brushed a hand down her thigh and couldn't wipe a smile off her face as she thought of her crush. "I don't know, I mean. My mom and dad warned me about her, but when she visited me in the hospital she just said all these really nice things about me and has become my best friend ever since. We're close, and I trust her with some of my more difficult emotional things going on. I feel like she understands me in a way no one else does."
Aunt Mallory squealed on the other line. "That is just too damn cute! Tori, you're killing me. I'm so glad you're comfortable talking to me about this."
"Well of course. I'm so thankful to have you. But ugh, Aunt Mallory, I can't do anything about this. I don't want to lose her as a friend."
"Do you ever get a feeling that maybe she likes you too?"
Uncomfortable laughter erupted from Tori. "No way. No. I'm nowhere near as cool as she is, and plus, who would want to date me right now in general with everything I have going on?"
"Oh, love is unconditional. There's no good time to fall in love, it just happens-"
"Whoa, whoa, don't use that word 'love' we're not going to go there," Tori's nervous laughter had yet to cease.
"Oh yeah, sorry. You know what I mean though. Just because you're going through this thing doesn't mean you're unlovable. It might not be the best idea to jump into something right away, but it's just who you are. Someone who is worth it will stick around no matter what you have been through, or what you have yet to go through."
God, this is getting really deep. "You're probably right."
"So tell me more! How did you realize?"
Tori finally let her back fall to the back of her bed. She would need to get comfortable in order to prepare for a very long list of things that she thought led her to her conclusion. "Oh, God. Uh, well we were all at this Karaoke place last night and I was just watching her perform, and I just got this feeling… it wasn't even a new feeling, it's every time she's been around me since I met her. She's special, I want to be in her life, and I want her to need me in some way. Like, I just want to be important to her. And I am, I know I am, but she's so nice and caring and I want to be that for her too. I just see everything in her, she's so talented at singing and acting, it blows my mind. Don't even get me started on how pretty she is, it's like I can't breathe when she looks at me."
"Wow, Tori. You've got it bad for this girl," Aunt Mallory giggled.
"I know! And before the accident, I wrote this song about her. It was for a class, my friend Andre helped me write it, but he wouldn't tell me who it was about. He wanted me to figure it out on my own, which I was pissed at him for originally because I knew he was lying and hiding something, but now it makes complete sense."
"Oh, that was so nice of him. I'm glad he decided to do that, that's very sweet."
"Yes, but frustrating as hell. Anyway, just watching Jade perform on a real stage with real sound and lights yesterday… I couldn't help but think of how bad I want to kiss her."
Tori stopped for a moment to take a breath and process the words she had just spoken. I want to kiss Jade. I want to kiss a girl.
"Has she heard your song?"
"No, but she will on Friday."
"What's on Friday?"
"I'm singing it at our prom. Hollywood Arts didn't have a prom until I organized one, so I usually perform and they asked me to for this one."
"Ooh, are you nervous?"
"Of course. If it wasn't a song about Jade I'd probably be fine. She probably won't even know it's about her, like what's the point?"
"Well, it'll surely relieve some of your emotions in some sort of way."
"That's what Andre keeps saying, but I just keep picturing this awkward and empty feeling after I perform it. Like, nothing changes. I still have a crush on Jade, and Jade is still Jade and would never feel the same way."
"Oh, Tori. You don't know that. She seems pretty artsy to me, what if she likes girls, too?"
"She does," Tori groaned. "Just not me."
"Wait, wait, wait. She does?! Why didn't you tell me this before!"
"It doesn't make a difference! Andre told me that we knew this about each other before the accident. Like, I knew she was bi, and I told her that I liked girls. If we were going to be together, wouldn't we be by now?"
"Well, how soon before the accident was this shared?"
Tori paused, knowing her response would cause her Aunt to freak out even more. "Like, a few days before."
"Well, Tori! These things take time!"
"Okay, okay. But still. I just really don't see her feeling that way. We're very different people."
"And that's a good thing! So what!"
"I don't know," the brunette sighed and paused again. There was almost no use in talking about this because she firmly believed that performing the song would change absolutely nothing. "I don't want to lose her as a friend."
"Why would you?"
"Well, when one friend crushes on the other, and it's no longer friend territory, friendships fail and fade away."
"Says who?"
"Literally every TV show or movie. If someone has a crush on you but you don't like them, that's a one-way ticket out of their life immediately."
Aunt Mallory huffed. "That's stupid."
"It kind of makes sense though. I'd rather just have her as a friend and try to forget about these feelings than lose her altogether."
"But honey, the feelings won't go away."
"Why not?"
"She's your first gay crush, it's gonna take a long time to get over that one, whether you end up together or not."
"Shit."
"Okay, so let's map out Friday. You go to prom, you look beautiful, and Jade looks beautiful. You sing the song and she compliments your performance. What do you do?"
"Run away," Tori answered immediately.
"No! First of all, you say thank you, and then what do you do?"
Tori closed her eyes to picture the scene. "I don't know, but I can already see Andre's eyes watching my every move while talking to her."
"Why's that?"
"He said if I still feel the same way about her after I perform, I should tell her."
"Do you think you'll still feel the same way after performing?"
"It's almost certain that I will, yes."
"Okay, then how are you going to say that?"
"I'm not."
"You have to, this is why we're planning."
"I can't."
"Yes, you can. You don't even have to say 'I have a crush on you,' you can just say 'I really like you' and just leave it at that."
"That's basically saying the same thing."
"It's not. And Tori, you don't have to say it directly after the performance. You'll know what you'll want to say when it's time. Just try to stay relaxed, she's your friend, you don't need to be afraid of her."
Tori groaned. "I'm not afraid of her, that's the problem."
"It's the opposite of a problem. You've found someone that sparks a fire in you, that's one of the greater parts of life. Try to enjoy it, it doesn't need to be so negative and fearful."
"That seems impossible, but I see what you mean."
"Tori, did you suggest the idea that maybe the accident caused you to have incorrect feelings about your sexuality?"
"... Maybe."
"I want you to get that downright ridiculous thought of your head immediately. I've known you're not straight since you were like ten."
"What?!"
"Little girls that obsessed with Stevie Nicks don't grow up to be straight. Come on, Tori."
The brunette laughed, wondering why exactly that outed her identity. "Okay, sure."
"I'm serious," her Aunt laughed. "Feeling better?"
"Kind of. Thank you, Aunt Mallory."
"Anytime, I'm only a phone call away."
Tori took a deep breath in and was about to say goodbye and hang up the phone, but her Aunt's voice prevented her from doing so. "I want to see pictures of this girl, please send me some!"
"Oh my God, seriously?"
"Hey, if I'm gonna be your gay mentor, I need to know what I'm working with, okay?"
Sigh. "Alright, I'll find some. Weirdo."
"Talk to you later, munchkin."
"Bye."
Wednesday was cold, so Tori finally threw on her first hoodie of the season.
Jade picked her up to drive her to school. It hadn't become a daily occasion, mostly because Tori was a little out of the way for Jade's commute, but some mornings she was willing to get her ass out of bed a few minutes early.
Tori ducked to get into the passenger's seat and yawned dramatically. "Good morning."
"Mornin', sunshine!" Jade responded in a high-pitched Southern accent.
"Whoa, what was that?" Tori scoffed before fixing her hair.
"Why, it's just such a lovely mornin'!" Jade continued.
Tori's eyes narrowed at the other's face. "Okay, now you're scaring me. Are you in a good mood or something?"
"No, just wanted to keep you on your toes," Jade beamed as she rested her hand on the back of Tori's seat, turning her upper body to look out the back window to back out of the driveway.
Of all things, why is this attractive to me? She's just putting her hand on the seat. Why. Why?!
"Someone's quiet this morning."
Tori shook her head to refocus. "Oh, sorry. I was up late last night."
"Hmm, staying up past your bedtime like a bad kid, huh?"
"Oh yeah, you know me. Bad, and stuff."
Jade hummed in response, slowly nodding her head. "So no more news crew on Friday night?"
"Nope, my mom thankfully convinced them not to show up."
"So, what did she do? Threaten to sue them?"
"Probably. I don't even know, I'm not sure there's any legal cause she could have used in her defense. I don't doubt that she could have found one though."
"Classic mama bear Holly," Jade chuckled. "Well, I'm glad."
"Me too. Still nervous as hell, though."
Jade clicked her tongue and turned to Tori. "Why are you nervous to perform my awesome song?"
Tori half-heartedly laughed. "Well, because what if you don't like it? Or you don't even understand your own song because I mess something up?" Tori meant every word she said, knowing they would disguise themselves well within the context that Jade was aware of.
Jade pouted her lip. "Don't overthink it. It's just a song."
It's not, but okay sure, let's go with that. "Yeah. I just hope I don't suck at it and it ruins our friendship or something."
The other scoffed. "Tori, it's not actually my song, don't take our little scheme too much to heart. You're going to be fine."
Jade was expecting the other to laugh, but she didn't. Tori straightened her posture and cleared her throat. "Yeah, okay."
Poor thing, always a bundle of nerves. "Is there anything else I can do to convince you that it's going to go very well?"
Tori laughed softly. "I don't think so, I'll be horrified no matter what."
"It's only three minutes of your life, then it's done. Once the music starts, it's smooth sailing from there."
"Mhm," Tori exhaled and returned her gaze out the window.
Thursday night, Andre was at Tori's house. Holly didn't know how else to help Tori calm down, so she agreed to Andre's unexpected company.
"Can we just sing through this one more time?" Tori shook her hands as she spoke in an attempt to shake off her anxiety.
Andre responded soothingly, "Of course."
It was different with just the piano. Way more vulnerable, but maybe Tori preferred it that way. It was less noise to overwhelm her while she sang, and it just felt better for the nature of the song. It was vulnerable, the most vulnerable thing Tori will ever do in her life thus far.
He began playing, just simple chords that allowed Tori to sing a bit softer. She had managed her way through until the first chorus, and cracked during the last line. Andre watched as Tori's upper body fell while she hid her face to cry.
"Hey, hey. It's alright, it's gonna be alright," he encouraged, leaping up from the piano bench.
Tori didn't bother to contain herself. "I feel so stupid!"
"But why?" Andre was now next to her, rubbing his hand on her back. He understood why this would be a horrifying experience, but not why she would feel so negative about herself personally.
"It's just stupid, and wrong."
"What's wrong?"
"Liking Jade. It's not right."
Andre scowled. "Well… why is it wrong?"
"It just is, I can't describe it. I can't just wake up one day with a significant part of my memory one day, see a pretty girl and go, 'Ooh! She's pretty. Maybe I should just be gay now!"
"Tori, you know that's not what happened."
"Well, I can't help but think that. And I know it's not, I probably liked girls as long as I remember and just didn't realize it. But Jade? Jade. Come onnn," she groaned and stood up, suddenly hoping Holly wasn't eavesdropping somewhere.
"Believe it or not, it's not super weird that these feelings have returned. Sure, maybe a little quickly, but you guys already really had a close friendship before! And now she's actually being nice to you. Upon learning of your history together, combined with the newly nice Jade, it's not weird to me at all. Stop telling yourself that this accident "messed you up" because you're not even messed up for having a crush on a girl."
It made Tori feel horrible, hearing her own words about herself spoken out loud by someone else. It hurt even worse. "I guess."
"You were super chill when Jade came out to you, and we talked about Hollywood Arts being really gay. Oh shit, by the way, I forgot to tell you. I'm not actually bi like I said that one time."
This was enough to throw Tori off from her panic. She turned to him slowly with narrowed eyes. "Why would you lie about that?"
He couldn't help but cackle. "Well, I said something about how maybe we had feelings for the same person. I meant Jade, but you figured I'd be talking about a boy because I was relating it to you, it's confusing, but yeah. I don't like dudes."
"Wait," Tori's voice was immediately angry. "You have feelings for Jade?"
"NOOOO! No!"
"YOU JUST SAID YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR JADE," Tori hadn't heard herself raise her voice with this much aggression ever in her lifetime. It scared her a bit, she backed up and stared at Andre with bulging eyes. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell-"
"Girl, relax. I used to, for like, a day. That was almost two years ago. Trust me, that is not a thing anymore," Andre held his hands up defensively.
Tori let out a groan that severely damaged her throat. "I cannot believe how crazy I just acted! What the fuck!"
"I can. That was nothing," Andre began laughing as he reminisced on some other times Tori had gone a little overboard with her actions.
Tori was even more perplexed and confused about who she really is. "Wow. Okay. Well anyway, I'm gonna go jump off a cliff now," Tori huffed as she stood to get herself a glass of water.
"Don't say that. You can't let performances stop your entire life. Don't even think about it until you get to the prom tomorrow," Andre began, Tori was already shooting mocking faces back at him. "I'm serious! There's no reason to let this ruin your entire week."
"My whole life is ruined. What difference does it make?" Tori held her arms out in a shrug, still clearly holding a lot of anger.
"Your life isn't ruined, Tori."
"Oh, would you like to know what it's like?"
"No, but you have so much time left. If you convince yourself your whole life is ruined, you'll never find true joy again."
Every conversation Tori seemed to have this week, with anybody she spoke to, was incredibly heavy and exhausting. "Okay, sure."
Andre shook his head and followed his friend into the kitchen. "See, this isn't the you I know."
"Hmm, how's that?" Tori grumbled before taking a sip of water for her scratched throat.
"You'd be proud of this song because it's personal to you and it's beautiful. You'd definitely be nervous, in the same way you are right now, but without all the self-deprecation. You were going to tell Jade you liked her the night you got hit!"
Tori froze while Andre's words cut straight to her heart. She imagined the glass of water she was clenching shattering everywhere, and almost wished she was strong enough to cause that. "Why didn't I?" She managed, though her mouth was growing dry.
Andre's posture stiffened as he rubbed his forehead. "Uh, you saw Beck kissing her."
A frustrated chuckle escaped Tori's mouth. "Of course, I did."
"No, you didn't hear me. Beck kissed her. What you didn't know, is that she stepped away from him and said that he shouldn't have kissed her and that they need to be just friends."
Tori's eyes were fixed on the floor. She felt out of her body again; she could still focus on Andre's words, but there were too many emotions to process that overpowered most of Tori's senses. "I only go on bike rides when I'm upset. I never just, go on bike rides for fun, it's when I need to just put headphones in and cry or something…"
She was too stunned to allow herself to cry. Andre stared at his friend's face, she was clearly broken and it was his fault. He didn't need to let that detail slip out. "Tori, I'm only telling you this because I don't want you to pass up the opportunity again."
"What so, I get too scared to do something and my punishment is for a drunk driver to crash into me while I'm on a bike ride clearing my mind?! And now I'm supposed to make up for it because it's somehow my fault?!"
"No, no! I just think you'll regret it if you don't, Tori. You did not deserve what happened to you, you don't deserve this suffering," he was choking up himself now, and turned his back for a moment to collect himself. He realized he wasn't wording his point correctly, and Tori thankfully counted to ten in her head so she didn't completely rip Andre apart.
"I'm not going to stand here and believe that if I had told Jade that I liked her the night of the accident, this could have all been avoided. None of this is related, and I could have been upset about anything that night. Accidents happen, freak things happen like that, and I shouldn't be freaking out this bad to begin with!"
"I get it," Andre spoke softly. "I'm sorry, Tori."
"I'm not the same Tori I was. I cannot be that same fearless Tori anymore. I fear basically everything, and I'll perform the damn song but if I never tell her my feelings then so be it. I'll deal with the regret and it won't be your problem anymore."
Andre's shoulders fell. That marks two times he's fucked up with Tori this week. "I'm so sorry, Tori. I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay. I get it. I do see where you're coming from," she looked at him with a softened face. "I will just need a lot of time to sit with this. It's too complicated, and I'm sure you've helped me fix a lot of my other problems in life, but this is way too big of a problem," she laughed softly, wondering how long it would be until the situation would have some sort of resolution.
"Yeah, this is probably the first problem I haven't been able to fix. That's probably why I've been pushing you so far," he trailed off and glanced at an exhausted and defeated Tori who traced her thumb down one of her arms. "I'm really sorry I crossed a line."
She offered a small smile and glanced back up at him with soft eyes. "It's okay. I know I'm not the only one who's having trouble with all of this. Come here," Tori held her arms out to Andre, who had blessed her with another amazing bear hug. She took a deep breath before letting him go. "I should probably be getting ready for bed."
"Yeah, get lots of rest tonight, okay? I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Goodnight," Tori nodded as Andre retrieved his bag from the couch and headed out. As soon as the door shut behind him, she pulled her phone out of her back pocket.
Today, 8:37 PM
Jade, whatever you do tomorrow night, don't let me back out of singing.
Aye, aye, captain!
Thank you for reading as always! 3