Disclaimer - I do not own PJO or HOO

We reached the halfway mark! 16 more chapters to go-

okay, this chapter became way more angsty then I expected it to be. but I mean from the chapter title, you could probably tell... this chapter is a little deeper than I intended it to be. It was supposed to have more fluff and lightness to it.

for the first scene (from the start to the second divider):

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, panic attack

Please, please, please, do not read if you get triggered by any of those things. i love every one of you and please take care of yourself 33

- Kathy

More time than El could count, she found herself staring at the ceiling in the Mansion of Night, letting her power flow through her and just succumb to the darkness. Closed her eyes and pictured her home far away, pictured the life she used to have before the war began.

It had taken more from her than El would admit, it had left a permanent scar on her that she often hid underneath long sleeves and baggy clothes. Often she wondered about the purpose of life, the purpose of it all. So when she was given a chance to change everything and get her family back, she didn't hesitate to take the shot. There was a chance, wasn't there? As impossible as it seems proven by the last war, there was a possibility in the chance she was given.

Sometimes, she could breathe, swim up to the surface and take in the breath of freedom. But more often than not, El felt as if she's suffocating. Diving back into the water made her feel a different sense of relief, and sometimes she would hold her breath until her lungs burned and screamed for her to do something, anything. But that inhale of breath made the water fill her lungs and the shadows would push her out again, forcing her to take a breath.

Submerged in a sea of darkness, blindly searching around for her life. The cold water touched her skin and it sent goosebumps down her skin. But there's a certain familiarity to the chilly feel of the shadows. They understood her, they understood grief. They know the war she's fighting within herself to not pick up a blade, fighting the urge to feel something, anything. Because numbness is harder than pain. She wanted to feel the thrill of being alive, she's alive.

But no matter what she'd done, the numbness was still there. Even now, deep within the depth of her own mind and surrounded by the familiar shadows, she couldn't feel anything. Because Athena doesn't remember her. Her brother doesn't remember her. No one in this world knew her. It was… a different sort of loneliness.

El could see them, could interact with them, but they wouldn't know who she is, wouldn't be able to interact with her in a way her Athena would be able to. The way her brother would be able to. She missed her mom's warm hug, her dad's awful dad jokes. She never knew how much she would miss them until they're gone. She missed her brother's warm hug, her sister's teasing remarks. Hell, she missed her sister-in-law, and they more often bickered than agreed.

The trauma of the war was still there. Tons of friends lost. So many lives wasted. And for nothing. El gritted her teeths as she squeezed her eyes shut and wrapped her arms tightly around herself in a weak attempt of comfort, seeking for the warmth only Athena could provide.

And a part of her brain reminded her that she could still find Athena, the Athena in this world. The shadows wrapped around her, they knew her, they could feel her, and they dragged her to the place her heart most desired.

Athena's palace was the same as the last time she'd visited. She often found herself there when the feeling of loneliness washed over her again. But in a way, these visits made her more lonely than she would like to admit.

Athena was in her library, just like she alway was, and El slowly approached her after making sure her tears were dried and her smile looked happy enough to not look forced. Athena merely looked up for a brief second and gave her a small smile. But it was enough to send a bucket full of warmth down her body. It was enough, don't ask for more. Take what she could get from this, she doesn't need anything else, she doesn't…

At these that was what she'd convinced herself every morning when she woke up. Stared at her dark eyes in the mirror, the dark circles, the lines of worries, the small trace of hopelessness. She learned to hide them, El knew all the way she could cover it up.

Taking a seat across from Athena, El took out a book, discreetly staring at Athena as she did so, her fingers playing with the rings. She had popped into Athena's library more times than El could count and she knew by now Athena is used to her occasional visits. No words were spoken, no words needed to be spoken.

The quiet was comfortable and El allowed herself to live in the moment for once. No war. No worries. Just her and Athena, sitting comfortably in Athena's library and enjoying the tranquil silence that had fallen upon the two of them.

But not everything lasted and Athena spoke up again, finally acknowledging the elephant in the room, finding asking a question she desperately needed the answer to. "Why are you always here?"

"I enjoy your company," El said nonchalantly, hoping her face didn't betray her words. The truth? She missed being out in the open. She missed everything about Earth, she missed being able to roam freely and she missed her family and friends, so much. El swallowed down the lump in her throat as she gave Athena a small smile, clearly forced. Athena frowned.

"Yet your actions say there's more to that."

El looked away. "There are some things I would rather keep hidden, Athena. You don't know what I'm risking, I can't risk it, I can't." Her voice wavered in the end. Sometimes she missed her mask, but it was so uncomfortable she took it off whenever she's with Athena. It's not like Athena will know who she is anyways.

Athena's face remained stone cold, but there was a small trace of concern. "You know, you're usually more hyper and talk my ears off about everything. And you had barely spoken a word to me since coming in, so I'm free to draw the conclusion that something is wrong."

"Nothing's wrong," El insisted, standing up again. Nope, she's not having this conversation. Her therapist said she should be more open about her emotions, that she's allowed to show off her vulnerable side every once in a while, but it's hard to be so vulnerable with someone. Suddenly the walls around the library seemed like it's closing in and the air seemed so much thinner. Athena's concerned face filled her vision and El closed her eyes.

Count to ten. It didn't work.

Her breaths were getting quicker, unsteady and she needed air. Seeing the nearest exit from the window, El gave Athena the smallest trace of smile she could master before allowing the shadows to engulf her and take her out. The rain fell on her, but it gave her a strange sort of comfort. Her shadow relaxed and she took a breath, she could breathe now.

"We gathered here today to honor Clarisse La Rue, daughter of Ares. Wife, daughter, friend." Percy stood near the back of the crowd as Chiron started the funeral. No one noticed him yet, he didn't want to be noticed. The campers sat near the front and the hunters were standing in their own little huddles. Even the gods were here. In a way, it was the first real loss of the war. Clarisse, bravest daughter of Ares who charged Kronos single handedly, now dead.

Words were being spoken but Percy tuned most of them out. She's dead. A part of him just wanted to kill the monster responsible for Clarisse's death. Maybe they weren't really close, but he still cared for her like a sister.

Everyone in Camp Olympia were gathered in the new amphitheater and there were more demigods then Percy remembered seeing. His eyes found Artemis' in the crowd but there was certain familiarity in it. He doesn't feel like he knows her anymore. Artemis was different now, in a way he couldn't explain, a certain coldness in her stares that he had never felt before. Artemis was always a symbol of warmth to Percy, someone he could lean on, but now this Artemis. He doesn't know who she is now.

The guilt started to eat Percy up as Chris walked up and started his speech. "Clarisse. She's something alright. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. She took me in when I needed someone and I wish I could do the same for her. If I could trade my life for hers, I would do that, but I know that I can't. She's different, and I love that about her. She's unique, and I'm so glad I got to call her my wife before the tragic day."

He knew he could never be there for everyone but it reminded him of Annabeth, a topic he thought he had long blocked out from his mind. He thought he was over her, but her death anniversary is in a few days and he wasn't sure if he's ready or not. Annabeth… Percy took a breath before his eyes widened seeing a hooded figure standing beside Athena, but the goddess didn't seem to mind. Athena looked so much like Annabeth yet at the same time, she's someone else… Percy sighed and turned his focus back to the front of the room.

He wished someone could wrap their arms around him the way Chris' siblings were hugging him. But he settled for standing alone in the back, surrounded by shadow, something that's definitely not his element of magic. But ever since the night the mysterious woman visited him, he felt a weird connection to the darkness, he hoped it was nothing.

Ares walked up next for the speech, his eyes showing anger but underneath it, a trace of unspoken sadness. His voice was loud as he talked. "My daughter is the best demigod ever and don't any of you fucking deny that. She's amazing, she's brave, she's strong. And if Hades," he shifted his gaze to Hades, who seemed unbothered. "Didn't place my daughter in Elysium, I would personally go down there and punish anyone who dared do that to her."

"You can't just charge into my domain," Hades rolled his eyes. Ares' eyes flashed red and many demigods took a few steps away from the almost-glowing god.

"YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT TO DO?"

"I do," Hades sighed, still looking unbothered. "And to assure you not to ruin my underworld, your daughter has been placed in Elysium. Now stop scaring the poor campers."

Ares took a breath and nodded. "Yes. Yes. My daughter is the best demigod to walk to Earth and you can personally fight me if you want to argue otherwise."

No demigod moved and once Ares was satisfied he had made himself clear, he walked off the stage and stood back with the Olympians. The coffin was then being burned and Percy turned his gaze away as it did so.

But the most uncomfortable thing wasn't the burning of it, it was a gaze on him that he couldn't shake off. And he knew, with a slight tilt of his head, that it was Artemis. Her silvery eyes burned a hole into his back and he had no idea what horrible thing he had done to make her hate him even more.

As soon as the funeral was over, all Percy wanted to do was go back to his mom and Paul, maybe hide in the apartment until he's needed because there's no way he could take any more of Artemis' burning gaze on his back. When people started to scatter after the funeral, the hunters started setting up their camps in the woods that were added to Camp Olympia for the hunters after they voiced out their discomfort sleeping so close to campers.

Percy made his way towards the stable, Camp Olympia was further away from New York and he was thinking about taking Blackjack back to his parents apartment. But of course fate isn't going easy on him because just before he could start walking, Artemis appeared beside him.

Sighing, Percy turned around. "What can I help you with, Lady Artemis?"

There was a flash of hurt that flashed through her face and Percy chose not to comment on anything. It wasn't his fault that she was hurting, she was hurting herself by ignoring him, he doesn't even know what he did wrong.

"Follow me," she stated simply. Her voice was cold, in a way empty.

"Why? I am perfectly comfortable having a conversation here? Or are you planning to kill me?" Percy countered, staying stubbornly in place. He knew he's risking something here, but he was too angry and annoyed to think logically. Not that he ever thought logically, mostly just charged into battle without any plan and hope for the best.

Artemis growled. "I swear to gods you were never this annoying. You feel comfortable having a conversation here, I don't. So come with me or I won't hesitate to let you live the rest of your life as a jackalope."

"Fine," Percy snapped and gestured for Artemis to lead the way, his voice mockingly polite. "I don't have all day, milady."

"Treat the gods with respect or face the consequence," Artemis grabbed his arm with a sort of roughness Percy had never felt from her. He felt his eyes closed as Artemis started glowing and soon enough, they were in a familiar forest, away from everything and everyone. Artemis' fingernails digged into his side and Percy groaned in discomfort as she pushed him against a tree. "I hate you."

"Tell me something I don't know," Percy replied with a snort. "Like maybe why you hate me? Maybe there's a reason for that."

"YOU KNOW THE ANSWER," Artemis snapped, her fingernails digging harder into his side, he knew it was deep enough to draw blood. He was glad it wasn't Aphrodite holding him hostage like this, her acrylic nails would probably have broken skins by now. That thought made him chuckle and it was soon replied by a cry of pain as Artemis slapped him.

"What was that for?!" Percy demanded as he pushed Artemis back when she stood there stunned. Artemis herself looked horrified but Percy wasn't having it, pushing Artemis against the tree now, his face were dangerously close to hers. "What the fuck did I do to you that made you hate me so much?"

"You know what you did," Artemis screamed, her eyes wide and her face showing the hurt she was feeling inside. "You know damn well what you did so stop denying it. I thought you were better than this, I guess I'm wrong, you're just the same as every single fucking male in this whole fucking world and I hate you." She hit Percy's arm with barely any strength and tears in her eyes. "I hate you so fucking much."

Percy found himself unsure of what to do, Artemis holding herself as she sank until the ground. What the hell do you do when a man-hating goddess starts sobbing in front of you? "Just leave me alone," Artemis growled when she looked up and Percy was still there.

"Are you okay?" He asked instead, it was a simple question but Artemis froze as if someone dunked a whole ice bucket on her head. Her whole body was glowing and Percy quickly averted his gaze as Artemis turned into her true form and flashed away. Percy glared at the empty spot and screamed into the sky. "AT LEAST FLASH ME BACK HOME!"

There was no reply, just like he expected.

Artemis didn't know what happened. One second she was screaming at him and then she was losing control. She never lost control, she prided herself in being able to hold back her true form no matter how mad she was. Stupid boys. They are always lying. He said he'll stay… A blast of power came from her as she flicked her wrist into the sky, releasing a burst of power that she had been holding back for so long.

Another flash was made in the sky as she released another ball of energy. It felt… free. She liked this feeling, different from caging in her power. There was something about Percy that just drove her crazy. He kept lying to her, lying, that he doesn't know what he did that broke her. But a part of her wondered if Percy was being honest, a small part of her wondered if he really doesn't know anything. Was he innocent?

But she pushed that thought away, because there's no way she's wrong, she wasn't wrong. Even if she was wrong, Artemis knew her pride wouldn't let her admit it. So she closed her eyes and convinced herself that she did the right thing. The air felt deathly quiet as she sat on the cliff once more. Her feet dangling down the side.

She felt so lost. Never in her thousands of years of life had anyone made her feel like this. Like the world might collapse any second but still it would be alright. Because he promised the world and she felt for it. He promised he would help hold the world with her (quite literally) but now that he's gone, she felt the whole weight again. The burning in her lungs as they screamed for air and Artemis closed her eyes and tried to block everything out.

It's always easier this way. It's so much easier to fake it then to face the truth that he broke her more than she would like to admit. He took everything in her life and made it all better. And now that he's gone, she felt empty, the place in her heart that would always and forever be his.

Her eyes glanced up at the stars and a small smile broke through her face when she saw Zoë's constellation. Zoë Nightshade, one of her most trusted friends. She was always there when Artemis needed someone, Zoë knew every inch of her better than Artemis knew herself. There were words bubbling up in her chest that Artemis wanted to say, and everything just came pouring out as she pulled her legs back up and into her chest.

"Hey Zoë, I'm not sure if you can hear me but I'll pretend you can," Artemis let out a small chuckle as she hugged her legs. "Everything has just been… such a mess. Sometimes in the middle of the night I found myself walking toward Thalia's tent, hoping that it would be you that would answer the knock. But I know that it won't be fair to Thalia. She's an amazing lieutenant but I don't think she could ever replace you, friend wise and lieutenant wise. But I'm not saying she's bad, she's amazing, but she's not you, you know?"

The stars seemed to shone brighter, and if it wasn't, Artemis wanted to believe that it was. "And I know you never thought you'd hear this from me but I think I'm in love with a boy. Remember Percy? He is that son of Poseidon with you on the quest. He's so different from every other guy, he's just so understanding, his heart is so big. But then he kissed this other woman and…" Artemis chuckled at herself again as she shook her head. "Okay, I don't think I'll ever imagine myself saying this but I think I was jealous. I thought we were something, he broke my heart."

The stars twinkled in the night sky and Artemis pouted. It was as if Zoë was laughing at her, and it made Artemis feel hurt, better than she had in days. "It's not really funny, Zoë. He was everything and then he was nothing. I don't know if it makes sense but I still love him and crave for his attention even if my mind is telling me to stay the hell away from him. Maybe it's past experience and how," she swallowed the lump before uttering out the name. "Orion had betrayed me but I don't want to compare him and Percy. They are two completely different people. But it felt like the same situation, just centuries later."

The forest was quiet again and Artemis glanced up at the stars, unshed tears in her eyes and a choked laugh left her lips. "I feel so pathetic in a way. I wish you were still here, so you could just hold me through it. I'm sorry I never really acknowledge how much you meant to me until you're gone. I never knew I'll miss your company so much. When you're used to being immortal, you never imagine that someone would be gone from your life within a blink of an eye. Attending Clarisse's funeral made me think of yours. It was different, only the hunters and Percy. But it was a final goodbye. I don't think I meant it though, I'm still holding onto you."

"I don't think I know how much I needed this conversation until I started talking to you," Artemis sighed and closed her eyes for a second. She drank in the silence, needing a few more moments to gather up her thoughts before she looked up again. "Would it be so much to ask for you to stay by my side and let me hold you for one last time?"

And of course beside the twinkling of the stars, there was no other reply. Artemis knew it was more than she could ask for but it was worth a try. Sighing, she closed her eyes again. The talk did make her feel better though, or at least better than she had originally been after the shouting match (if you could call it that) with Percy. Taking another moment of the peaceful silence, Artemis stood up before flashing back to Camp Olympia. She ignored all the looks from her hunters (she knew she probably looked horrible) and made her way to her tent.

She just needed to sleep it off. At least that's what Artemis tried to convince herself.

"It's time." Erebus stood by the side as El twirled the ring on her finger nervously. Nyx stood in front of El, looking like a mother who's giving her child to her grandparents for a year. The three of them sat together in El's room, none daring to break the silence after the first two words were spoken. They all knew it was coming, but they didn't know it was this soon.

"I'll be back soon," El gave a weak attempt at a joke. "Don't miss me too much."

Nyx suddenly pulled El into a hug, making the younger girl squeal. "I will miss you so much, darling. Remember to take care of yourself and stay safe. I know you'll be back soon but we never know what will happen. This sort of magic had never been tested and I know I'm a powerful primordial but I don't want to hurt you and it's a new magic. It could kill you, El! Are you sure you want to do this? What if-"

Erebus pulled his wife back from El, who was whispering 'help me' as Nyx continued to hug the girl. "Okay, stop before you officially scare her away. She knows what she signed up for and I have many of my own concerns as well."

El nodded in agreement. "I know what I'm signing up for. I understood the risks, gods, you told me more time than I could count. I even memorized them!" El shifted her voice so it was a bit higher in an intimidation of Nyx's. "El, darling, this is new and untested magic. You may not appear in one piece. You might die, and oh gosh! What am I thinking? You're too young to be-"

"Involved in this," Nyx finished for her with a nod of her head. "You are too young!"

"I'm twenty-two Nyx, I know how to take care of myself."

Nyx shook her head and checked El's cloak again and pulled it down to brush a strand of hair behind El's ears. "But what if-"

"I'll be okay," El whispered softly as Nyx kissed the top of El's head in a motherly way. "I know I can't promise you anything but I will do my absolute best not to get myself killed because I know I'll get to see you soon. I don't think I can live without seeing any of you again."

"If you die I'll drag your sorry-ass into Tartarus and back to the Mansion of Night until you're-"

Erebus rolled his eyes and pulled his wife closed again. "Okay dear, give El a little room to breathe. She got it, you won't die, right El?" His eyes held a joking threat in a way that said 'if you die, so help me because Nyx would break every ancient rule to pull you back here'.

"Right," El nodded before taking a step toward a shadow. Nyx watched in Erebus' arms as El disappeared into the shadow, back to her time.

Nyx let out a small sob as Erebus rubbed her back. "We're putting too much pressure on her, Erebus. She's still a kid."

"We both know she's stronger than that. We have no choice, dear."

"I know, she means so much to me. If she die-"

Erebus kissed Nyx in a successful way to shut her up. "I know dear. We have much to do in preparation."

Nyx nodded, taking a few calming breaths. "Right. Let's get to it."

oh gosh... you made it to the end...

i would really appreciate it if you tell me what you thought of this chapter. i don't think many PJO writers (at these for pertemis) write about mental health and it's something different i thought would fit El's backstory. many people don't walk out of war without any trauma and I thought it would fit to write it into her pov today. I promise more would be explained about El later on but for now, I'll let you guys guess.

feedback would be amazing.

i hope you like this chapter. I'm not sure if i have any update schedule right now but probably once a month for now. when summer came, the update will probably be more frequent.

- Kathy