Hello again!
This is the last chapter of part one. The second part shall be posted here, so you don't have to worry about trying to find it.
Enjoy your reading,
Pavs.
Chapter Fifteen: What Can I do?
[Gabrielle]
I slept in Tool's bed that night. Well, sleeping was a big word, but at least I wasn't alone. Tool couldn't sleep either, and Barney had stayed for a while. We didn't talk much, just enough for me to try and reassure them that it wasn't their fault. I'd said the same thing to Trench before he'd went back to clean his hangar.
And while I was trying not to think about that. I was thinking about Gunnar. It was about four in the morning (Tool was finally asleep) when I realized how hard I'd been on him, no matter how shaken I was.
I went downstairs and tried to open his door. It was locked. I knocked, no answer. I texted, then called. Still no answers. I let myself fall to the floor, and I started sobbing. I'd lost him. And as bad as it sounded, it felt almost worst than killing those men. I couldn't stop crying, so I sat against his door for what felt like an eternity before I heard steps in the small hallway.
''Gabrielle,'' Christmas said while he covered me with a blanket.
He then sat beside me and passed an arm around me, pulling me closer. No other words spoken. I kept crying for a while until I fell asleep.
[Lee]
He was looking at her sleeping in his bed and swore for the thousandth time under his breath. Where the fuck was Gunnar? How could he do that to her? They all saw how insecure she was earlier, and he thought that Jensen would have been the one to try and comfort her, but he didn't. And he was nowhere to be found. Again.
It angered him. It really did. Gabrielle deserved better than someone who ran when things get difficult. And yet…
''NO!'' Gabrielle screamed suddenly, and he jumped off his chair to try and wake her up. ''I'M SORRY!''
Lee had just managed to take her in his arms to try to reassure her when he saw Toll enter the room.
''Holy shit!'' Toll exclaimed quietly before he tried to help Lee. ''Gabrielle, everything is fine. You are in Christmas's bedroom. We all are ok.''
She finally seemed to calm down, and Lee let out a relieved sigh.
''I am so sorry,'' she said while trying to wipe her tears.
''Don't apologize,'' Lee said softly. ''Do you need anything?''
''I…is Gunnar back?'' she asked, and Toll's expression got darker.
Jensen had fucked up. Again.
''No,'' Toll answered, and the pain in Gabrielle's eyes made him want to remind the Viking what he'd promised. ''Come with me. We'll eat breakfast.''
She got up and followed him to the kitchen. Lee didn't follow. He needed to talk to Barney.
[Barney]
It was almost seven in the morning when his phone rang. He'd gone back to his place and was trying to process everything that had happened. He may have been used to the job, but this one had hit hard. And it was even worse once he'd gotten home.
It's not that he didn't want to be with Gabrielle. Fuck, he was fighting himself not to get over there and bring her back with him. He had even stayed until one in the morning to make sure she was fine, but Trench had told him just how and why Gunnar's reaction might have been triggering, and then the tall blond had disappeared.
He wasn't sure if he was worried or if he wanted to shoot him, to be honest. The phone kept ringing, so he answered.
''What's up Christmas?'' he asked.
''I am about five minutes away with coffee and donuts,'' Lee said, and Barney frowned. ''We need to talk.''
.
The first thing Barney noticed was the dark circles under his friend's eyes. The second was that even though they had sat at the counter with the food, Lee wasn't touching anything.
''I found her crying against Gunnar's door at four in the morning,'' Lee began with a tired voice. ''She was freezing, so I brought her a blanket and waited with her until she fell asleep. Tool probably didn't even notice that she was gone.''
Barney felt a pang of guilt but said nothing as Lee continued.
''He wouldn't have left her alone like that. I couldn't either. She slept in my bed for a while until she woke up from a nightmare. She's with Toll as we speak. I think they're supposed to go to a library or a museum, something like that.''
''Thank you,'' Barney said, and Christmas put a hand on his shoulder.
They both knew how much he meant it.
[Toll and Hale]
He'd noticed that Gabrielle was more and more distant as the day passed. He had decided to bring her to his favorite museum and took care of the talking. He knew what it was like to get stuck in your own head, so even thought she didn't talk (and he wasn't about to force her to do so out of respect), he talked to her about his knowledge of history, literature and art to prevent her from thinking too much about the previous day. He even thought he'd seen her smile when she saw a painting with beautiful colors. It was abstract art, but he had to admit that it was stunning. She had taste. He'd told her as much, and she'd answered him by telling him how much she'd missed him. He'd taken her hand in his, and she hadn't let it go of the rest of their visit.
After that, he drove them to Hale's house, where the man waited for them with Gabrielle's favorite tea and pancakes. She had hugged Hale like her life depended on it, and Hale had hugged her back just as much. They had been eating in silence when some kids that had been playing outside started to mess with firecrackers. Gabrielle jumped out of her chair and grabbed a kitchen knife, looking at the window with a faraway look in her eyes.
''Gabrielle, it's ok. It's just kids,'' Hale assured her with a soft voice, and she dropped the knife before she started to shake uncontrollably.
It was getting worse very fast, and she was struggling to breathe. Hale took her into his arms and told her repeatedly that everything was going to be ok and that she was safe. And he did so until she calmed down.
''I am so sorry. God I am so sorry,'' she said, clearly embarrassed.
But they were having none of it.
''Don't ever apologize for that. It's ok to need help, and we are your friends. We are here for you, just like Trench told you,'' Hale said, and Toll nodded his agreement when Gabrielle looked at him.
''We understand better than you might think,'' Toll added.
''Ok. Thank you,'' she said in an almost whisper.
''Always,'' Toll promised, and she offered them a shy smile.
[Barney]
Barney got up from his chair when he heard Toll and Hale's bikes. He saw his daughter entering the shop seconds later and was about to say something when she ran to hug him. The words he was about to say died on his lips.
''I love you. Please don't die,'' she cried, and his heart shattered.
He looked up to the men she came in with and saw that it must have been a rough day. He'd never been so glad to have friends like them.
''Thank you,'' he mouthed, and they both nodded before they went back to their bikes and left.
.
Gabrielle hadn't spoken much apart from asking him if he was hurt or asking Tool if his arm was ok. She'd went home with him, going directly into her bedroom as soon as he'd open the door. He was worried, but he could do nothing about it except being there for her.
At least she wasn't mad at him, but he wished that she could forgive herself too.
[Lee]
Lee wasn't a man to drink his emotions, but the mission had exhausted him. And Gabrielle, well, that was another matter. He heard the last call and took a cab to Tool's place. He was too drunk to drive and too tired to walk.
He couldn't wait to go to sleep, but froze in his steps when he got to the second floor at Tool's. Gabrielle was asleep in front of Gunnar's door again.
''Gabrielle,'' he whispered with sadness in his voice.
How could he leave her alone like that? She had accepted them, trusted them, loved them…him. It hurt Lee to see her suffer for someone who didn't deserve her. And it made him angry that Gunnar would mess someone as good as her.
''Gabrielle,'' he said a bit louder, and she stirred in her sleep.
''Gunnar?'' she asked, and the hope in her voice hurt Lee just a bit more.
He ignored it; he didn't want to go in that territory. He was jealous of the relationship, not the girl.
''No, it's Christmas,'' he said, and she tried to warm herself with her vest without even opening her eyes.
He took her in his arms and brought her to her room. He was about to let go when she grabbed his hand.
''Please don't leave me alone,'' she pleaded, and he looked at her for a moment before he took off his coat, boots, and knives.
Though he did keep one on the nightstand.
He then lay beside her on the single bed, sighed and closed his eyes. Of course, he would be there for her, but it might cost him his sanity after all.
[Tool's]
Lee saw Tool throw another ball of paper in the trashcan. He sent him a questioning look, and Tool pointed Gabrielle. She was sitting on the couch, looking at a closed TV. Christmas sighed.
It had been days.
She had stopped going to Hale's place or going on walks to the museum with Toll. She didn't talk anymore, to anyone. Barney was about to go mad to the point where he'd ask Trench and Yang to come and visit. Trench hadn't been able to come, and Yang, well. She'd asked if he was ok and that was about it.
But she was waiting for Gunnar every night. Lee ended up bringing her to his or her room to be there when she woke up from a nightmare every time. It was harder and harder to ignore the feeling of falling asleep and waking up with someone, even more so with the way she looked at him when she did wake up and he was there. The gratitude, the relief, the trust.
It made him crave something that he couldn't imagine with her, and he hated Gunnar more and more for abandoning that. And at the same time…
No, he refused to think about it. She was his friend. Worse, she was Barney's daughter. And he liked to think that he had something akin to ethics or values. He went to sit with her, and she looked at him. That was a surprise.
Well, he didn't exactly pass his days with her either. Only the nights.
That sounded good.
''Hey,'' he said, and he swore that he saw the shadow of a smile.
''Hey,'' she answered.
Tool stopped what he was doing to look at them, wondering what was going on. She never answered, and she never looked that comfortable either. He frowned, sure that he was missing something.
''Was there nothing to watch?'' Lee asked, and Gabrielle looked at him with a questioning look. ''We could go see a movie if you'd like.''
He'd offered before he'd thought about it. He sounded like a teenager, and from the look on Tool's face, he wasn't the only one thinking it.
''Hum…we could go see Transporter IV. They said it was a new actor playing…'' he began, but stopped when he saw the offended look on Gabrielle's face.
It brought him back to the first time she'd spoken to him.
''How dare you even suggest seeing that? The previous actor was way better! They ignored everything that made those film what they are! Do you not know what good action movies are? I've got a whole collection that you could have borrowed to get knowledge instead of insulting classics!'' Gabrielle said with passion, and Lee couldn't help but smile at her rant.
Because for a moment, Gabrielle was back, and she was beautiful.
And he was so fucked, but now wasn't the time to lose focus.
''If you bring me to a movie theatre, it better be a classic,'' she warned, and he smiled before he offered her his hand.
They went out, not noticing Tool's flabbergasted expression as they walked past him.
[Lee]
The movie had been great. The fast food had been ok, and then she'd gone to her place to take a shower and change. He'd went out again. He couldn't ignore where this was going, and he didn't like it. It was too complicated, and he knew she just didn't see him that way, not to mention Barney. Fucked.. He was fucked. He had to see her like a friend, to have a reminder that…
He stopped in his tracks. Gunnar's door was open. He looked inside to see Gabrielle standing in front of the mess that was supposed to be a bedroom. He walked closer and noticed that she was crying.
''He's gone,'' she said with a broken voice that made Lee's heart broke.
Even if he hated the guy, it hurt him more to see her sad.
But what really made him mad was the little plastic bag that he saw on the floor. It was half empty.
''Come to bed,'' Lee told Gabrielle instead of swearing against Gunnar.
It wouldn't help her. He could kill him later.
Lee waited for Gabrielle to fall asleep and texted Barney.
[Barney's]
His daughter was asleep in her room. It had been a while; she usually was at Tool's. He thought that she'd gotten better after Tool told him that she'd gone out with Lee, but something happened after and it made things even worse.
She'd been numb before but was now always crying. He re-read his conversation with Lee from two days ago and sighed. Would he go after Gunnar? Maybe it was his only chance. And if not, his daughter deserved at least an explanation.
He left her a note, kissed her hair, and went to his truck.
[Tool]
He could tell that something was going on as soon as he saw Barney.
''Hey Barns, you ok brother?'' he asked, and Barney let himself fall onto one of the chairs.
''She went from not speaking to always crying. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to lose her,'' Barney said, and Tool was instantly remembered Gabrielle's words when she was in his apartment with Trench.
It must have shown on his face, because Barney frowned.
''We'll make sure she is ok,'' Tool promised, and for some reason, Barney was thrown back to the night Tool had talked to him about the girl on the bridge.
Then he realized that Tool wore the same expression he did that night.
''How bad was it really?'' Barney asked, also remembering clearly how shaken both Tool and Trench were when they'd come back.
Tool hands began to shake and, after taking a deep breath, he began to talk.
[Gunnar]
He opened his eyes and swore. There was way too much light in the room. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. The morning after always was the worst part. Gunnar looked around and sighed. With all the empty bottles, syringes and pipes laying around, his motel room looked like a real dump.
He looked for his clothes and found them soaking wet in the bathtub. He washed them and passed them under an old blow-dryer. It was getting him nowhere, so he left his clothes to hang while he took a shower.
He closed his eyes and saw Gabrielle looking at him. He saw her trust, her smile…then he saw her hurting and he opened his eyes. He needed to numb the pain. He'd left her after the bike accident. He'd hurt her back at Tool's, and now he…He punched the wall and screamed.
He got out of the shower and put on his damp clothes before looking for anything left from the night before. He hadn't protected her, and it haunted him. He needed to forget. He threw another empty bottle at the door seconds before it was forced opened.
''YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!'' Barney screamed right before he punched him.
Gunnar hadn't seen it coming. Maybe he should have. The fuck if he cared. He'd let Hale and Toll finish him. He'd hurt her. He deserved it. He needed to feel something other than the pain of losing her and the guilt.
Gunnar was about to get back on his feet when Barney took him by the collar. Gunnar may have been tall, but Barney was seeing red.
''You fucking piece of shit! You're high as a kite on the run while Gabrielle is letting herself fucking die,'' Barney said, and Gunnar felt like he'd been slapped.
''She what?'' Jensen asked, and Barney pushed him on the ground.
''The night we came back, she wanted to kill herself to the point where she scared both Trench and Tool. And you, you fucking jerk, she trusted you! And you not only disappeared, but you made damn sure to let her feel like shit before you went out!'' Barney exploded.
Gunnar felt like he was about to get sick. It had been way worse. She needed him, so much, and he'd just left. Worse, he'd been using.
''She deserves better,'' he managed to say, and Barney punched the wall.
''You think I don't fucking know that?! Do you seriously believe that I came here to tell you how good of a choice you're proving to be? But my daughter jumps at every sound, she doesn't talk, she doesn't eat, and there isn't a night that she doesn't wake up screaming in agony while begging for forgiveness. She can't even be left alone!'' Barney bellowed, his voice shaking more and more.
And Gunnar felt like crying as the need to be there for her was surpassing his guilt more and more. He felt like an absolute fucking asshole, but she needed him, and he had a choice to make.
''And do you know what all of those nights had in common?'' Barney asked while a single tear rolled down his cheek.
Gunnar looked at him, waiting for what was surely meant to finish him.
''You. Toll told Tool that every single night, he'd hear Lee pick up Gabrielle from the floor in front of your door. Because every single night, she'd cry herself to sleep while waiting for you to come back,'' Barney said, and Gunnar felt his heart break.
His lungs were on fire. He could feel tears rolling down his cheeks. He was broken, ashamed, and hurt. And he'd done that all by himself.
''So, I am here to beg you to save her. Not because I want you to be the one to do it but because I know that you may be the only one that can help us do it. Listen to me closely: there won't be any second chance. You hurt her again, and I swear to everything we ever believed in that I'll make your death so slow and painful that you'll wish you were never born,'' Barney threatened dangerously, so much in fact that Gunnar felt fear for the first time while looking at him.
''I am sorry Barney,'' Gunnar said, and even though Barney believed him, he was way too pissed off to care about it at the moment.
[Gabrielle]
I was looking at the ceiling in my bedroom, just like I'd been doing for the past two days. The only difference was that my father was gone. An "important thing to do," he'd written on a post-it note.
Well, it wasn't like I'd been there a lot for him since he'd come back. I felt the guilt. I felt sadness, and it was painful, like always. But I was stuck in my head, and I couldn't get out of it. Part of me knew that they'd noticed, the other part was in a sea of tears and pain. I looked at my alarm clock and sighed. It was almost like a ritual now. I fought with myself to not go over to Tool's like I used to. I couldn't do that to myself or to Christmas.
Sleeping beside him had been reassuring before it became comfortable. And then Gunnar's door was opened and empty, and I felt the guilt coming back tenfold.
How dare I felt that comfortable?
How dare Gunnar fucking leave?
I started sobbing, and I didn't even try to contain it. My father was gone anyway. I was alone. I felt my eyes and my lungs burning. The pain was everywhere.
I needed to get out.
[Gunnar]
Barney had stopped at Tool's so he could take a shower and change. Gunnar took the stairs so he wouldn't have to see the guys just yet. He wasn't running from them. He just needed to get to her first.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her asleep on his bed.
[Gabrielle]
I was half-asleep when I heard footsteps.
''Christmas?'' I asked.
''No,'' aid a voice that I would have recognized anywhere, and I started crying uncontrollably.
[Gunnar]
It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad to see her like that. He closed the door, took off his clothes, and lay down beside her. She looked at him, tears in her eyes, and he kissed her gently.
''I am so sorry,'' he said in Swedish. ''I love you.''
She pulled him closer, and he lost control.
[Gabrielle]
I could feel his tears and so I held him closer. I didn't care about the smells of weed and alcohol. I just missed him. I didn't understand what he'd said, but I felt like I knew anyway.
''I love you too,'' I said, my voice shaking. ''Don't leave me again. Please don't…''
''I won't. I was weak, Gabrielle, and I am so sorry. I felt like I failed you and I…'' Gunnar paused, his voice filled with emotions. ''I promise you that I'll do better. I should never have left. I fucking love you so much.''
''I killed them Gunnar,'' I said, and he looked at me straight in the eyes.
''And I still love you, no matter what,'' Gunnar promised, and I gently stroked his hair. ''I always will. You aren't just broken to me. You are everything to me, and I couldn't live with myself because I wasn't there to protect you. I just wish that I'd been able to tell you that instead of…''
He stopped talking, and I kissed him.
''I believe you,'' I said, and he looked at me again. ''I trust you.''
'' You shouldn't. I hurt you. I abandoned you, and I chose drugs over you,'' Gunnar said, and I could see the sadness in his eyes.
''That sadness, I always hated to see it in your eyes,'' I whispered, and he kept looking at me. ''You are so fucking beautiful, and I hate to see your soul tainted with sadness.''
''I don't deserve you. You deserve to be happy,'' Gunnar replied, and I got even closer.
''What if you make me happy?'' I said against his lips.
''Then fuck this. I can't let you go,'' he said before he kissed me as if his life depended on it.
[Barney]
He went back to his home only to notice that Gabrielle was missing. He sighed. This was not going according to plan, even though the plan was shitty at best. He took his wallet and keys and went to Tool's. He was about to get inside the shop when he changed his mind to go see if Gabrielle was ok.
''I killed them Gunnar,'' was all he heard before he went back to the stairs.
She was finally talking. It had worked.
[Tool's]
The guys were still all hanging out in the tattoo shop when he arrived. Only Yang was missing.
''You look like shit,'' Lee commented, and Barney scoffed.
''Well, happy to see you too,'' he replied, and Tool gave Barney a beer.
''So, how is she?'' Tool asked, and Barney sighed.
''With Gunnar upstairs,'' Barney answered ,and Tool looked at him like he'd lost his mind.
Toll and Hale stared at him too, not knowing what to say.
''You left her with him?!'' Lee exclaimed.
''Not your problem Christmas,'' Barney replied, not liking where this conversation was heading.
''She may be your daughter, but it is my fucking problem!'' Lee exclaimed, and Tool looked at him like he'd never seen him before.
''Really?'' Barney asked, clearly pissed off.
''I care about her, in case you've forgotten! Bloody hell, I've been sleeping with her every night since we came back, making sure she was ok and staying with her, for her. Gunnar might have messed up, but I am the one who stayed behind to clean up!''
Barney and Tool looked at him, eyes wide with surprise. They both thought that Lee was only bringing her to a room, checking on her. They hadn't realized that they'd been that close. And despite his constant sarcasm, Lee was not someone who got angry easily. Barney then remembered his conversation with Christmas on the plane and tensed.
''Fuck,'' he whispered to himself.
''Yeah, that's about how I feel right now. I mean…'' Lee paused, and they all looked at him.
Toll felt bad. He was the one hearing them every night. He should have seen that coming, but he didn't. A quick look in Hale's direction told him that his friend had been as clueless as him. Hell, even Tool looked surprised.
''If only you had made an effort for her to be with someone reliable,'' Lee finally said. ''Do you know what it's like to love someone who spends all her time waiting for an asshole who ran away?''
Tool looked at Lee with shock written all over his face. Even Barney was shaken. Lee had liked Lacy. Not loved, liked.
''He made mistakes…'' Barney tried, not knowing who he was trying to convince.
''I know. Fuck, I know. He's had some problems, and I saw as well as you did how terrified he gets when she's hurt. I know he loves her, but he ran, and Gabrielle needs someone stable,'' Lee interrupted.
''You may be right, but tell me who managed to get her trust? Who managed to convince her not to bleed herself to death? I have been watching my daughter letting herself die of guilt for weeks now without being able to even reach her,'' Barney said.
''So what? What I did doesn't matter?'' Lee asked, and Toll felt even worse for him.
He'd heard Gabrielle's screams, and it had been hard for him. He couldn't even imagine what it would be like if he'd been in Lee's place.
''I never said that,'' Barney argued with a tired voice. '' But I went to see if she was ok before I came to join you, and she was talking. Real fucking words. Him leaving didn't change anything for her. So tell me, Christmas, what was I supposed to do?''
Lee opened his mouth to talk, but no sound came out of it. Hale looked at Toll, and his friend sighed. There was no way Gabrielle wouldn't feel bad about this, nor was Gunnar about to stay calm facing Lee after that. They both knew it. They all knew it.
They were fucked.