Hello again!
Here's the next chapter. Don't hesitate to leave a review or to message me for any comment/question/suggestion.
Enjoy your reading,
Pavs.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Cold
[Toll]
Looking back, he should have told them right away about the folded piece of paper in his hands, but he couldn't, so he'd told his therapist about it instead. It was the only question he'd asked before he'd left the office.
Now, he was sitting at Tool's in silence, looking at the tainted piece with Barney's name on it. He teared up while he put it on the table. It was the last thing left of her.
''You know, I really am lucky to have you as a friend,'' she'd said.
He felt the tears rolling down his cheeks.
''I am so sorry,'' he whispered while looking at this small piece of paper.
''Toll?'' Barney asked, and he closed his eyes.
He hadn't heard him come in. His head had been too loud for him to hear anything else, again. It always seemed to be since she was de…gone. She was gone.
''What's this?'' Barney asked while pointing to the folded piece of paper, and Toll looked at him.
He didn't have to say anything as Barney seemed to recognize the handwriting. Toll took a deep breath and was about to explain when Barney stopped him by putting his hand on his shoulder.
''It's ok, thank you,'' Barney said with a small voice before he removed his hand. ''Hold on to it a bit longer, will you?''
Toll nodded while Barney went to call the others.
[Lee]
He looked after him for three days straight now. He still couldn't quite understand why he'd volunteered to look after him. The others were surprised too, but they'd let him be. Nobody had the strength to fight him anyway.
They'd lost Billy. They'd lost…
He couldn't bring himself to face it, even though all he could think about was her unseeing eyes and him closing them forever. He was brought back to reality by Gunnar when he woke up choking on the tube in his throat. He went to call for a nurse.
.
He'd waited for about an hour when a nurse told him he could go back in. The first thing he saw was Jensen in a semi-sitting position looking straight at him.
''I…'' he began before he coughed.
Lee gave him some water and waited.
''I am sorry,'' Gunnar finally said, and Lee felt the anger rising.
''You're sorry? You're sorry?!'' he exclaimed before he went to close the door.
He then turned to him while taking a deep breath.
''You fucking moron! How fucking dare you go and try to kill yourself?! '' he asked, and when Gunnar said nothing he added. ''We lost Billy, which was fucking bad enough, and then we lose her, and now you…''
Lee fought with himself not to scream or cry. Maybe both.
''It fucking hurt. I know you're fucking hurting, but how fucking dare you give up?! If she was still alive, she'd kick your bloody arse! And I fucking will too if you pull more shit like that again,'' Lee added, and Gunnar passed a hand through his hair.
''I know she would if she was here,'' he mumbled before he let out a small, sad laugh. ''She was so strong minded. I know she didn't see it, but she was. She was strong, beautiful, intelligent…she could have done anything she set her mind to.''
He was crying by the time he finished talking, and Lee sat on his bed.
''She did do what she wanted to. She protected you,'' Lee said, and Gunnar looked at the floor.
''She shouldn't have. I wasn't worth it,'' he said, and Lee put a hand on his.
Gunnar looked at him, and Lee could see how broken Jensen was.
''You are,'' Lee said.
''I know she thought that but…'' Gunnar started, but Lee interrupted him.
''I think you are worth it too,'' Lee said, and seeing Gunnar's puzzled expression he added, '' I know we weren't on good terms when it came to some of the choices you made and when it concerned Gabrielle, but you are my friend, Gunnar. You aren't worthless. You fought long and hard against yourself, and while you may have lost some battles, you didn't give up. Don't give up now.''
''I…don't know why I should fight anymore,'' Gunnar admitted, and Lee fought against his tears.
''Her. If you can't do it for yourself now, do it for her so she won't have died in vain,'' Lee whispered with a shaking voice before he got up.
''Lee?'' Gunnar asked, and Christmas turned to him. ''I am sorry for your loss…I…know you loved her too.''
Lee felt the tears rolling down his cheeks and wiped them off. There was a moment of silence before he sat back down on a chair.
''You'll stay?'' Gunnar asked with a low voice.
''Of course,'' Lee replied, and Gunnar closed his eyes.
[Tool's]
Toll was still looking at the piece of paper when the guys came in. One by one, they sat around the table and looked at Toll and the piece of paper. No one said a thing until both Lee and Gunnar arrived in the shop. When they were all settled, Barney made a sign to Toll, who took a deep breath.
''I found it on her in the airport,'' he explained with a shaking voice. ''I didn't say anything because I couldn't accept that she was…''
He took another deep breath before he continued.
''I didn't open it, but by the look of it, she used one of my notepads to write on, and I only bring those on missions, so I can guess what this is and when she wrote it,'' he added before he looked at Barney.
''It's ok. Open it,'' Barney said, and Toll nodded before he did so.
He felt like she was dying all over again.
''You really are my best friend,'' she'd said.
''Toll?'' Hale asked, and he focused on the words before him.
''Hey Dad,
I do hope you won't have to read this letter, but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye, now could I?
First of all, I want you to know that no matter what happened, it wasn't your fault, nor was it any of the guys' fault. I know you may not believe it, so I made a list of the things you and the guys are actually responsible for:
First, you are responsible for giving me a place to call home and a real family, somewhere I belonged. Just for that, I'll always be grateful.
Then, you were responsible of caring for me and loving me no matter what.
Also, you all were responsible for the best memories and laughs that someone could ask for. And the friendship, and love, and support, and mistakes, and forgiveness, and adventure, and learning…
I could go on and on about all the good you did for me, but I never would have enough words or time to thank you properly. I love you all so much.
And I know I will miss you, but we'll see each other on the other side. Just not too soon, ok?
And thank you, for everything.
With all my love,
Gabrielle L. Ross. ''
Toll folded the letter back again before he gave it to Barney, but the man didn't take it.
''Barney?'' Tool whispered, and the man got up.
''She knew it!'' he said while crying. ''She knew I couldn't protect her, and she still stayed she…''
''I know,'' Tool said while he took him in his arms. ''I know, Barns.''
Barney started sobbing. They all stayed silent.
There was nothing to say.
She was gone.
[Gunnar]
He was looking at the ceiling just liked he'd done since he'd returned from the hospital. He couldn't close his eyes or he'd feel like Gabrielle's blood was still on his hands. Gunnar took Gabrielle's favorite pillow and held it against him.
[Hale]
He wasn't one prone to have mood swings, but when he accidentally broke a cup while doing the dishes that morning, he'd thrown his sponge at the wall and screamed.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could almost smell the green tea, and he definitely could picture Gabrielle raising her favorite cup at him.
The very same one he'd just broke.
[Lee]
The bench wasn't that comfortable, but he'd known worse. He'd stayed there for hours almost every day, and every time he closed his eyes, he could picture her kissing him all those weeks ago. He loved those moments until his eyes opened back and she wasn't there.
He was alone, and he couldn't bring her back.
[Trench]
He had gone on a mission with Yang. He knew that Barney and the guys had put life on hold and jobs offers had started piling. Trench needed something to distract his mind and, well, someone had to do the job.
And that job had delivered. He and Yang had almost died on it, and they were back at his hangar to assess the damages. They were repairing the plane when Trench noticed one of his tools was missing from his toolbox.
''Want me to look for it?'' Yang asked, and Trench looked at him with a sad smile.
''No, it's all good,'' he replied, and Yang nodded before he went to clean the guns.
He went to his office and saw it beside the coffee machine.
''Just where she left you,'' he whispered with a shaking voice before he turned off the lights in his office and went to see Yang.
He wasn't ready to let her go.
[Toll]
He was looking at the painting with a sad smile. It always seemed to be Gabrielle's favorite no matter how many times they went. She'd been gone for almost two months, and it still hurt as if it'd happened the day before.
He had kept up with Barney's search for her body, but he hadn't gone with him and Tool this time. Trench and Yang had gone back to work and he'd almost offered, but he knew his friends still needed him here.
And to be honest, he wasn't ready to go back. Not after…
He still couldn't say it.
''You really are my best friend.'' He closed his eyes and sighed.
If he really was, he would have brought her back alive.
[Tool]
He looked at Gabrielle's side of the table with the same sadness that had plagued him for months. His side had also been left untouched. He'd gone with Barney, and they'd found nothing, so he stayed home, like Gabrielle should have.
Barney had gone back to work with some of the guys, the ones that were willing to. He couldn't.
He took a bottle of whiskey and drank what was left in it. He had not been able to keep her safe, and he had promised…
He went to the office and found Christmas still looking for Gabrielle.
He'd promised too.
[Barney]
It felt weird to go to work without Christmas or Yang, but he knew they'd run out of contracts or useful contacts really fast if they stayed silent too long. The mission had been easy enough, which was good considering the mental state they were in. He was also sad that the Kid was missing. He would have made the mission even easier.
Barney had stopped in France to drop the Kid's money and letter to his girlfriend. He hadn't stayed to see her reaction. He couldn't deal with more grief than what he was dealing with at the moment.
And thinking about it was a reminder of the last time he'd held her against him. Her dead, unmoving body. He felt the pain, the guilt, and the remorse coming back tenfold.
He had to find her, to bring her home.
The world felt empty and cold without her, and he hated it. She'd changed his life in so many ways, and she was just…He couldn't deal with it. He shouldn't have had to. He looked at the sky with tears in his eyes, hoping that she was in peace no matter where she was.
[L&G]
Gunnar was returning from the grocery store when he spotted Lee sitting on a park bench. He went to join him, and they sat in silence for a while before Christmas spoke.
''I kissed her here. That's how I told her that I…'' he confessed, waiting for Gunnar's wrath.
Only it never came.
''You loved her,'' Gunnar stated with a twinge in his heart.
It still hurt to think about her.
''I still love her,'' Christmas admitted, and Gunnar sighed.
''So do I,'' Jensen said. ''Always.''
None of them spoke another word on their way back to Tool's.
[Tool]
Church was missing. Tool had been trying to reach him for a while when another C.I.A agent presented himself to them as their new contact. It made him feel uneasy. Church had been helping with Gabrielle and was suppose to contact him.
And the guy may have had asshole tendencies, but choking was not one of them. Tool sent what little info he had to old friends and waited. When Drummer, the new agency contact, seemed legit, he even reached out to him.
Church had been arrested for weapon trafficking and was held captive in a black site.
But then again, that was not Church's style, so Tool called a few more friends. It was their first clue since Booker had told them about the syringe.
Maybe they were finally getting somewhere.
[ Tool's]
Barney could feel his heart beating in his temples. The room was spinning on itself and he lost balance. He was about to try and get back up when he threw up and passed out.
.
Gunnar woke up with the feeling that this day was going to be absolutely fucked. He went to the kitchen and froze when he saw the newspaper of the day before. It was Gabrielle's birthday. Or would have been.
He put the newspaper in the trash and headed downstairs. He may have stopped doing drugs, but this special day required a drink. A strong one. One that would make him sleep through it. He was about to enter the shop when a strong smell stopped him. He heard someone coughing and went in to find Barney on the ground, chocking in his own vomit.
''Barney!'' Gunnar exclaimed before he put him in a safe position.
The man tried to mumble something, but Gunnar couldn't understand a word he'd said. He did, however, hear Tool and Toll coming in.
''Tool, Toll, come here!'' he shouted, and the guys hurried up to help.
.
They all were sitting around Tool's kitchen counter in his loft, except Barney, who was sleeping on the couch.
''So, we ain't gonna talk about it?'' Hale asked, and Christmas sighed.
''What do you want to say?'' Lee asked.
Gunnar spotted one Gabrielle's favorite bottles in Tool's cabinet, and he laughed.
''Bloody hell,'' Gunnar then said, and Lee frowned. ''When you got nothing to say, you can always go with bloody hell. She did love your accent after all.''
''Bastard,'' Lee said with an amused smile, and Toll laughed.
''You remember the time she came in the shop so drunk she was speaking 'French'?'' Toll said to Hale, and the man laughed too.
''Yes! I had brought her in the hopes that Barney was there, and turns out he didn't understand either because she was singing one of Trench's Austrian songs,'' Hale said, and the others laughed.
''She loved to sing, even though she didn't like the way her voice sounded,'' Gunnar said with a sad smile.
''And she loved to come over and have some tea with whatever I was cooking. She always complimented my food,'' Hale added while tearing up. ''She said we were a perfect match because she loved eating, and I loved cooking.''
''They removed her favorite painting at the museum yesterday,'' Toll said with a shaking voice.
''I still can't bring myself to work on her side of the table,'' Tool admitted while a tear rolled down his cheek, and Lee put a hand on his shoulder.
''She's still here, somehow. She always will be,'' Lee said, and Tool nodded.
''To Gabrielle,'' Gunnar said while holding up his beer.
''To Gabrielle.'' They all echoed.
[Tool]
Barney was still asleep on his couch when Tool got some new info from Drummer. He opened the file on his computer and looked at the pictures before he felt his heart stop.
''Son of a bitch,'' he said slowly with a shocked expression on his face.
He went over the file a second time before comparing them to their own. Once he had everything, he went out to call Bonaparte.
''You know that at my age, I need all the beauty sleep I can get right?'' Bonaparte asked.
'' He's alive!'' Tool exclaimed, and Bonaparte sighed.
''So, you found out about Doc then?'' he asked, and Tool frowned.
''Doc?'' he asked, taken aback.
''Who were you talking about?'' Bonaparte asked.
''Woodsman!'' Tool exclaimed.
''Oh, well that explains the panic,'' Bonaparte replied. ''I was about to call Barney for Doc so maybe I can…''
''No, only tell him about Doc for now. I'll take care of Woodsman later. Barney's head has been fucked with enough as it is. Doc will be great news, though,'' Tool said, and Bonaparte agreed before they hung up.
They finally had a lead.