Hello everybody!
A little warning here for drug use in this chapter.
Enjoy your reading,
Pavs.
Chapter Thirty-Five: The Complex Art of Forgiveness
[Plane]
Church had suggested one of his safe houses as an alternative. It was a bit smaller but was still better than nothing. He was in the cockpit with Drummer while they arranged for Gunnar's body to be transported back to New Orleans.
Gabrielle was chained to the wall of the plane where Barney had done the same to Gunnar before his death. He felt his tears coming back. He'd known the man for almost a decade. He looked at his daughter, and he almost jumped out of his skin when he realized her eyes were open now. She was so still he could barely believe she was alive at all.
''Gabrielle?'' asked Tool softly, and she kept looking in front of her with cold, dead eyes. Tool felt tears rolling down his cheeks again.
''Love?'' Trench tried as she still did not move. He felt his heart break for her all over again. Doc got up and slowly went to her. She still didn't move. Her vitals were good; the calming shot had probably worn off by then. He vocalized this, but she didn't even blink.
Tool had dreaded the feeling he had right now. He had thought he could save her; he doubted it very much now. He saw the somber look of Trench and Barney and felt a rush of pain. Gunnar had gone dark, and he'd just died. He couldn't lose her too.
''Is there anything I can do?'' Tool asked her with a desperate tone.
Nothing. Not even a hair out of place.
''Gabrielle…'' Toll tried, and Gabrielle looked at him with so much anger that the man actually backed up in his seat. ''Listen, I'm sorry…''
Hale stopped him from talking as Gabrielle actually growled in anger. Now was, apparently, not the time.
[Toll]
It all played through his mind once again as he sat there looking at Gabrielle's hatred filled eyes, everything that had happened after he'd fired the shot.
He'd been so in shock at what he'd done that he hadn't been able to move. Gunnar had been about to shoot Gabrielle in the head, and he couldn't let that happen. It was an impossible choice that had taken seconds to make.
Then he'd realized that Lee's knife had been faster than his bullet, that Gunnar could have survived that. Gabrielle too. He'd felt his hands shaking as Gabrielle's screams echoed through the bunker.
He'd felt like she'd screamed right into his soul. Then she'd looked at him with more pain than he had ever seen, and he'd dropped his gun as the realization hit him: He'd killed Gunnar Jensen.
He'd killed a member of his own family.
His friend.
His best friend's first love.
The one she'd been tortured for.
The one she still loved and had fought to live for.
The one they'd been in danger for.
He'd killed Gunnar Jensen.
He hadn't even believed most of what he was trying to tell her, except that he was sorry. Fuck, he was so sorry.
''Get out,'' Gabrielle had told him as Toll was dropping his weapon on the ground.
His hands had been shaking.
''Get out because I swear to fuck, I may love you, but I am going to kill you,'' Gabrielle had told him as Toll had begun to silently cry.
''Gabrielle, you know I had to…" Toll had tried to explain as her eyes became two black pools of cold hatred.
He hadn't even run as Hale told him to. He'd just watched Gabrielle unleash her hatred while the others were trying to save him.
For what?
He'd killed Gunnar.
Why had they bothered protecting him? He had felt Hale pushing him to the cars, then to the plane.
He'd watched as Barney had to chain his own daughter to the wall as his tears never seemed to stop.
''You should chain me to that wall, not her,'' Toll had said, and Barney had turned to him.
''You did what you had to. Nobody here is questioning that,'' Barney had replied, and as he had taken a quick glance at the others, he saw no one disagreeing.
''Then why does it feel like this?'' Toll had asked, and Barney had gone to hug him.
''I know,'' Ross had said with a broken voice as he remembered how he'd felt the day he thought he'd killed Stonebanks all those years ago and Gunnar when he'd been trying to kill Yang.
Toll had broken down completely. Lee and Hale had helped him get back on one of the benches as Luna had made place for him to lie down. Thorn had volunteered some music as Doc had given him pills to help him sleep.
But it never came, and now...now he kept watching Gabrielle as his heart broke all over again.
[Gabrielle]
The pain had become too much, and my mind dissociated from my body. I could hear Toll breaking down, but I didn't move.
He'd killed Gunnar.
He had meant to.
I could hear my thoughts screaming so loudly that it transformed into a white high-pitched sound in my ears.
I opened my eyes and looked at the wall in front of me. I heard a strange sound trying to make its way through all the ringing going on in my head, but when it finally did, it sounded like someone was talking to me underwater. I couldn't even feel Doc touching me. I was paralyzed by the pain.
''Is there anything I can do?'' Tool asked with a desperate tone as my hearing seemed to finally catch up with me.
Then I heard Toll, and I turned to him. I cocked my head to the side as my brain was trying to formulate any thought that didn't translate into pain. He seemed to be in pain too.
My mind was then assaulted with images of what had happened. I could see the knife, then the bullet. Again and again, I saw them appear from behind and in front of me.
Behind and in front.
Then I remembered that Lee was behind the counter of the kitchen.
Far from the hallway.
The hallway had only a direct view to the main entrance.
He'd meant to kill Gunnar.
But only because ''I had to…''
Fuck it HURT.
Toll tried to apologize, and I growled as the pain came back tenfold.
I wasn't numb anymore.
I was on fire.
''Gabrielle, please calm down,'' I heard Lee say as Toll backed up in his seat, and I scoffed at him.
''How the fuck am I suppose to calm down?! Gunnar's dead!'' I exclaimed while trying to get up, but the chains kept me from doing so.
Toll looked at me with fear and guilt in his eyes.
''You didn't have to kill him,'' I said as my own tears rolled down my cheeks, pain slipping through my voice. ''Blades are always faster than a bullet. Don't you know that?''
''I only saw him aiming at your head,'' Toll replied as the pain seemed to wash over him too. ''I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry.''
I saw him break down before me, and I felt my heart break. I was so mad at him for taking Gunnar away from me. I was so mad that he'd make me go through so much pain. He was my best friend.
He'd feared for my life while taking it away from me.
''We were supposed to protect him!'' I cried as the pain became too much. I could feel my heart beating in my temples as I felt my breathing becoming uneven.
''I didn't want to kill him! I wanted to save you!'' Toll begged me to understand through his tears.
My eyes fell on Trench and Tool as I remembered way too clearly that same feeling I had before my first kill. I hadn't wanted to kill anyone back then. It had broken me. Gunnar had left.
Gunnar was gone. Forever.
I could see them both looking at me with such sadness in their eyes…and fear. I'd been so scared to lose them that I'd killed for them. I'd become a mercenary.
I loved them that much. Toll had loved me that much too.
''You loved me that much, didn't you?'' I asked, and Toll was about to say something when I interrupted him. ''I want to say that I understand, but I can't because Christmas didn't kill him. Because there were a fucking million ways you could have stopped him that didn't involve killing him with one FUCKING BULLET.''
I felt the rush of anger and adrenaline as I once again strained against my chains. I could feel the bruises forming; I needed the pain to go away. I needed another shot of whatever Doc had given me. A knife, a drink, a fucking punch to Toll's face. I was losing my shit, and I couldn't control it. I knew right then and there that I'd become everything Gunnar didn't want me to be, everything my father and Tool had feared.
I'd left them too, somehow.
Trench got up and got closer to my face.
''Give me the keys,'' he ordered my father, and I looked at him in shock.
''Mauser…'' my father warned but Trench simply extended his hand.
Barney finally gave them to him, and I let myself fall on the bench as he unlocked my cuffs. He took me into his arms, somehow managing to hold me in a way that rendered me unable to hear anything else than his heartbeat. I closed my eyes as the pain became unbearable.
''It hurts,'' I managed to say as I started sobbing, and Trench held me tighter.
He didn't let go until I fell asleep.
[Trench]
He could see through her anger all the pain she was suffering from, and it killed him from the inside. He looked at Tool, and the man sent him a pleading look to do something, anything.
She screamed at Toll, and he could see her fighting against the cuffs. She would hurt herself. He got up and went to her. He felt his heart drop as she looked at him. He recognized this look from Stonebanks, Woodsman, and even Gunnar.
She needed to let the pain go or they would lose her. He knew he was right when she started sobbing against him. He sighed as he fought against his own tears. Then she fell asleep.
[Barney]
He took his head into his hands as he let out a loud sigh. He didn't have the words to describe how scared he'd been that his daughter would lose herself in anger. He still wasn't sure she wouldn't. But right this moment, he was fucking glad Trench was here.
''I know,'' Tool said, his voice shaking as he lit up a smoke. Then he looked at Trench. ''Thank you.''
There was a moment of silence where they all looked at her. Then Barney spoke.
''She scared the fuck out of me,'' Barney admitted, keeping his voice down so as not to wake her.
''The anger in her eyes…'' Lee said with a faraway look on his face. ''She actually growled!''
''It's a fucking miracle you're not dead,'' Hale commented with a heavy heart as Toll felt the tears rolling down his cheeks.
''I'm sorry,'' Toll said, and Lee put a hand on his shoulder.
''I know. Give her time,'' Lee said, not knowing who he was trying to convince.
''That was scary as fuck,'' Smilee commented.
''You can say that again,'' Trench agreed. ''I knew she had changed since she'd been back, that losing Gunnar would be triggering under any circumstances, but for a second there, I wasn't looking at her.''
''You were looking at Conrad Stonebanks,'' Doc whispered, and they all silently agreed with him.
''I'm not sure we won't see that again once she realizes we still have to get rid of Isaacs,'' Galgo piped in, and they looked at him.
He made a very valid point.
''I remember when I lost my whole team. The only thing on my mind was to kill,'' Galgo said with a sad look in his eyes. ''I did manage to avenge my team, eventually. I realized fast enough that it wouldn't bring them back or ease the pain.''
''There's also the fact that she's been in love with him for a long time,'' Luna added. ''I don't doubt for a second that she loves you deeply, Mauser, I know she does. But she hadn't completely let go.''
''I know she loves me,'' Trench said. ''I also get your point. It worries me too. I hate to see her suffer. It pains me not to be able to help her.''
''You will be. You're safe,'' Yang said. ''Me, Maggie, and Woodsman have spent weeks trying to find something to help with her nightmares and anxiety attacks, just like Lee, Toll, and Gunnar before you. It took you one touch…I may still be weirded out by the whole you and her thing, and honestly quite offended not to have been told, but if someone can love her enough to keep her in a safe place, I do believe it's you.''
''I didn't know I was in love with her,'' Trench said, and Yang smiled a little.
''I know. You've always been clueless,'' Yang said with a smile until he felt tears in his eyes. ''Gunnar was too.''
Mars put a hand on the man's shoulder as they all felt the pain of losing him coming back tenfold.
''I am so mad that he's gone that way,'' Yang added with a shaking voice. ''He loved her so much, even if he was an arse about it most of the time. The way he used to look at her… He was always scared she could get hurt by our world. He was the first one she trusted enough to let herself be vulnerable, and he died because Stonebanks made her a mercenary and Isaacs sent him to kill her!''
''He'd worked so hard to be one of us, to not let himself go again…'' Tool added while putting his cigarette in an ash tray.
''I already miss him,'' Hale said as they all nodded.
''I, um…'' Thorn said with a scared expression on his face. ''I am really sorry I gave him the information to get to Isaacs. I should have called Barney or Gabrielle or any of you first. I didn't mean for him to…''
''Thorn,'' Lee said sincerely. ''He would probably have killed you if you hadn't.''
''Probably?'' Hale asked, and Lee scoffed.
''Definitely,'' Barney said. ''Still, thanks for your honesty kid. We're good.''
Then he saw that Tool's hands were shaking.
''Are you ok?'' Barney asked as Tool let the tears rolling down his cheeks.
''I can't have her turn dark. We have to bring her back,'' Tool replied with a shaking voice.
''We will,'' Barney promised both the man and himself.
[Luna—Safe House]
Both she and Maggie had gone with Gabrielle to unpack the material and food they had as Toll was sent with Lee, Hale, and Galgo to do a quick tour of the house. Gabrielle had seemed to calm down, opting for ignoring Toll instead of trying to kill him, but they didn't want to risk it. Luna heard a bang, and Gabrielle swore.
''Are you ok there?'' she asked, and Gabrielle nodded.
''Yeah, I dropped something,'' Gabrielle replied as she quickly hid a small box. ''I need to go to the bathroom."
Luna frowned but let her go since it was on the same floor. She was about to go look for the hidden box when Smilee, Thorn, and Mars got down there with them to rearrange the basement into a com's office and a place for them to hang out.
''Hey there, Maggie. Barney was looking for you!'' Mars said as the woman went upstairs. ''Where's Gabrielle?''
''Here!'' Gabrielle said while getting out the bathroom with a small radio. ''I even found something nice for you! It works!''
''The hell…'' Luna whispered as Gabrielle put on music.
Luna's eyes widened as she realized that Gabrielle was high. The others hadn't noticed, but she had worked in bars long enough to know at first sight.
''That's not good,'' Luna told herself before Gabrielle went back upstairs.
[Maggie & Barney]
Maggie had spotted Barney resting against one of the trucks they'd come with and felt the sadness coming back at his heartbroken expression. She slowly made her way to him and he looked at her with a sad, small smile.
''I won't ask you if you're ok,'' she said softly as she stood close to him. ''Just know that I am here if you need me.''
''You always are,'' Barney commented with a trembling voice. ''I don't know why, but thank you.''
Maggie kept looking as him for a few seconds before she dared to put a hand on his shoulder. Barney looked at her, and he felt like he was about to break down in tears. It was becoming too much. They'd lost Billy first, then Gabrielle when Stonebanks had made him enter his own personal hell, and the ghosts just kept on coming back and dying again.
He was dead scared that it would happen to his daughter. He was so fucking hurt that it had happened to Gunnar. He took a deep breath as he felt Maggie's hand on his shoulder. He put his own on top of hers.
''I always will be,'' Maggie promised, and Barney let the tears fall.
She could see that he was hurting, that he hated to be that vulnerable, and it made her so sad. She wanted him to be at peace so bad, to see only happiness in those beautiful brown eyes. She'd known for a while now that her feelings for him could develop so easily into more than a crush.
''Come, we'll take a walk,'' Maggie offered, and Barney nodded before they fell back into a comfortable silence.
Barney kept looking at her from time to time. When he'd gone back to work after Gabrielle's death, he'd cleaned the office and had found her file in it. He'd wondered where she'd been, what she'd been doing…
''How did you know about Gabrielle?'' Barney asked suddenly, and Maggie motioned for him to take a seat on the porch.
''I didn't,'' Maggie said before she turned to face him. ''Church's disappearance is what alerted me. Then I found out about Stonebanks and…''
''Gabrielle,'' Barney finished for her, and Maggie nodded.
''I know it's probably nothing compared to what you must be feeling right now, but it haunted me,'' Maggie admitted. ''I was the first to find out. I didn't have the luxury of choosing what I wanted to see. I had to see it all, and it was awful.''
Barney took her hand in his, and Maggie felt tears in her eyes.
''Barney I am so sorry I didn't tell you,'' Maggie said with a slightly shaking voice. ''But your pain, your screams…I never could get them out of my head either, and I couldn't guarantee that she would be ok. I couldn't break your heart again when all I ever wanted for you since I've known you is for you to be…''
She was interrupted by Gabrielle and Tool talking angrily at each other, and Barney froze for a second as shock replaced his sadness.
''What the hell?'' he said as Tool started to raise his voice at his daughter.
He got up, worried that she'd tried to attack Toll again. Then he heard Gabrielle actually scream at Tool, and both him and Maggie shared a look as then ran inside.
[Church's Safe House]
Trench looked at Barney from the small balcony of his and Gabrielle's bedroom. He was sitting on the porch below with Maggie. It made him think about all the times Gabrielle was hanging out with him at his hangar. Yang had been right, he'd been clueless. Not that it would have landed him anywhere. She was still madly in love with Gunnar back then. They hadn't really talked about it, or anything really, but he'd been keeping an eye on her.
He was worried. He couldn't get the sound of her screams out of his head. They'd somehow been worse than her torture sessions at Stonebanks's place. Not to mention her anger. That had scared the fuck out of him too. Almost as much as Gunnar's attempted murder had.
He understood why Toll had pulled the trigger. Gabrielle hadn't. He honestly was scared for Road. Vengeance was greedy, and Gabrielle was getting out of control. What would happen once Isaacs was dead?
Would she go after Toll? Or even Thorn for that matter…
What if one of them died? What then? He closed his eyes as he remembered the softness of her lips against his. Gabrielle had been so loving, like she was her own light in a very dark world. At least that what she was to them. It was in her nature…had been.
He went back to the common area and saw Doc, Tool, Toll, Hale, Lee, and Yang seated in the living room.
''I mean, I know what I did, but this was much more than just grief,'' Toll said as Trench frowned.
He wanted to help her. He couldn't do it alone. He stopped to make sure she wasn't close as he joined them. Then he heard the music and chatter in the basement and realized that she must have been there.
''The way she recklessly handled Church's rescue and Gunnar's high state…what was she thinking?'' Hale asked, truly worried.
''When she looked at you after you shot Jensen…'' Tool said while looking pale. ''I can't get that look of anger out of my head.''
Trench felt his chest tighten.
''She did attack five of us without even batting an eye, and we still needed Doc to tranquilize her,'' Trench admitted to both himself and the others. ''I know she's been through a lot, and I want her to get better. I just don't know how to help.''
''You kind of do,'' Lee said while looking at him. ''How did you know?''
Trench closed his eyes briefly as he remembered the pain in her eyes.
''Pain,'' Trench said with a soft voice. ''There was so much of it in her eyes, more so than anger. She has to let go of it, and she needs help for that, just like she had before.''
''You two really were close,'' Toll said in awe as Trench nodded.
Lee and Hale looked at Mauser with curiosity in their eyes while both Tool and Doc smiled a little.
''And you really were clueless,'' Yang said as Trench let out a small laugh.
''It appears so, but I am not anymore, and I want to help her in any way that I can,'' Trench said as the others agreed silently. ''We won't let her go dark.''
Tool nodded at Trench's comment; he'd noticed that too.
''She managed to trap four highly, military trained mercenaries in a bunker while running an emergency mission on a black site alone in less than a few hours. Fuck, she survived Stonebanks and Isaacs for six months,'' Tool said while passing a hand through his hair.
''She used her torture as fucking training,'' Doc said, and they felt their blood running cold. ''I wasn't that effective when I got out.''
''It seems almost funny to me now how Barney is scared to see her die,'' Hale stated. ''Or at least it would be if it wasn't so fucking scary.''
''And how the fuck are we supposed to tell Barney that? Hey there, I know you've been worried about her, but how about you consider that Tool had been more on point when he'd been scared about her going bad?'' Lee mocked, and Toll blanched.
''Well, maybe not like that, but I see your point,'' Gabrielle said from the basement doorway.
''Gabrielle look we're just…'' Tool began.
''Worried. I get it!'' she said in a weirdly cheerful tone.
Then she got even closer, and Trench felt his anger rise. She was half-drunk and…
''Are you fucking high?!'' Lee exclaimed, outraged.
''Just a little,'' Gabrielle said while motioning with her hand. ''Maybe a tad too much. I honestly stopped counting after the first line. Gunnar was right, Isaacs really knew his stuff.''
She took a seat beside them and took out Gunnar's old flask from her vest. They were instantly brought back to Jensen when they'd been on a mission for a long period of time and had just gotten back to Tool's before he got clean. This was not good.
''Would you please stop looking at me like that?'' Gabrielle said with a sigh. ''I need five fucking minutes of not being in pain. Is that too much to ask? This is like the bar in Austria all over again!''
''No, it's not. You weren't high while on the run, on God knows what!'' Trench exclaimed.
''Cocaine. It's called cocaine, love,'' she informed him very seriously, and Tool lost his shit. He got up, walked straight to her, and took Gunnar's flask from her hand.
''Gabrielle Ross, I won't stand for this bullshit! I've watched three of my close friends die because they only needed to change their minds! The last one is not even cold yet, so if you think I'll fucking put up with your fucking attitude, then you're off your fucking rockers!'' Tool exclaimed, and he almost stepped back as he saw the look of pure anger on her face.
''You think I don't fucking know that?!'' Gabrielle screamed so loud that the music stopped and both Maggie and Barney ran from outside. ''James died saving me, Gunnar died to avenge me, and I fucking killed Stonebanks!''
''What the hell is this!?'' Barney asked, worried.
This couldn't be good.
''Gabrielle took Gunnar's cocaine from Church's possession after the search on his body. And his flask,'' Yang explained, and Barney saw red.
''Gabrielle Lacasse Ross, how fucking dare you!'' Barney said, and she raised an eyebrow.
''As I tried to explain before, I was trying to mourn the fact that Gunnar's dead before I realized that I actually could get a break from wanting to go back in time and kill myself in the womb. Then I surprised my family and new boyfriend in a competition as to who could make me sound as bad as fucking possible based on my reaction to the most fucking heartbreaking thing that ever happened to me! Finally, the stunning conclusion, was when Tool actually went as far as telling me that the people I watched die or killed myself had actually died for getting along with my current life choices!'' Gabrielle said so condescendingly it made Lee's jaw drop to the floor as she looked at him. ''Have I forgotten something?''
There was a long pause while they realized that Gabrielle had needed help, not judgement, and they had mixed them both.
''Gabrielle, you still shouldn't have taken drugs,'' Barney said with a sad voice as Gabrielle was taking back Gunnar's flask from Tool's hand.
''I don't think you should drink again tonight either,'' Toll said, visibly worried.
''Or what? Are you gonna kill me too?'' she half-whispered through her tears as Toll went still. ''Maybe next time just let me die.''
She turned around to go outside, closing the door loudly behind her.
''Shit!'' muttered Barney before he went to follow her.
Trench felt his heart drop as he saw the others look after them. They all knew they had hurt her.
''I shouldn't have…'' began Tool, but Trench interrupted him.
''No, this was necessary,'' he said with a sad look. ''At least now we know what she's thinking and what not to do.''
''I hope you're right,'' Lee concluded before they all went their way.
[Barney]
He found her crying while sitting behind a tree not too far from the safe house. He approached her, and she looked up to him.
''I thought I'd be looking for you much longer,'' Barney stated, and she scoffed.
''I'm high, not stupid. And contrary to what I said earlier, it was one line. I got rid of the rest,'' Gabrielle explained, and Barney sighed.
He didn't like how much this conversation reminded him of Gunnar. He was worried for her. When she'd first dated Jensen, he'd been afraid that Gunnar would influence her badly or that his problem would put her at risk. He never thought that it would happen after his death.
He hadn't thought his friend would die either, he realized with a heavy heart.
''The flask is empty,'' she told him with tears in her eyes. ''It's all gone.''
He sat down beside her and put an arm around her shoulders as she let her head fall on his shoulder.
''Not all of it. We're still here,'' Barney said, and she took a deep breath.
''The pain just never stops. I just want him to come back to me. I want to hear his laugh or his songs. I want to smell this awful thing he called a pre-combat lunch,'' she said with a soft voice, and they both chuckled as they remembered the fish-based dish. ''I want to tell him how sorry I am that we didn't work out. I want to tell him that I'll still always love him. I want him to call me princess and hug me when I feel scared.''
Gabrielle started crying, and Barney felt his heart break.
''Gabrielle, I don't even doubt for one moment that he is looking out for you as we speak and that he would hold you if he could. He knew you loved him. He often wondered why, but he did. And he loved you with all his heart and soul, he always will. I honestly believe that in the end, he really meant it when he told you that you had nothing to be sorry for, that he wanted you to be happy,'' Barney said with a broken voice.
''I am so sorry I couldn't save him, Dad. I tried so fucking hard,'' Gabrielle said before she started sobbing, and he held her closer to his heart.
''I know you did, sweetheart. It's not your fault,'' Barney said, remembering his old friend smiling at him with tears in his eyes. ''You did so much more for him than you realize. For us too.''
''I am so tired of the pain, Dad,'' Gabrielle said, and Barney kissed her forehead.
''I know. Me too,'' Barney admitted. ''I miss him too. Very much. But I know he'll always be in our hearts.''
''Always,'' Gabrielle concluded. Then she asked, ''Dad?''
''Yeah?'' Barney questioned.
''You lost a friend too today, a dear and old one, and I am so sorry for your loss. I know you always tell me that you are there for me, and I want you to know that I am here for you too. Next time there's something on your mind, and please relay this message to the others, you can just ask me, alright?'' Gabrielle said, and Barney felt his heart melt.
''Ok, I will. As long as you remember that to this day, you are still the best thing that ever happened to me. You always will be. I love you,'' Barney said, and Gabrielle closed her eyes.
They stayed there a moment longer before the cold temperature caught up with them and they walked back to the safe house.
[Trench & Gabrielle]
Trench had been sitting on the bed with his back to the wall for the last fifteen minutes, wondering if Gabrielle would show up at all. He heard a knock and sighed.
''Come in,'' he said with a tired voice before he saw Gabrielle in the doorway. ''I didn't think it was you. You didn't need to knock.''
She offered him a small smile before she entered and closed the door behind her.
''Well, we didn't quite finish our conversation in the best terms,'' she commented, and he motioned for her to come and lay down with him
She turned off the main light and took off her boots, weapons, and jacket before she joined him on the bed. He took her in his arms and closed his eyes.
''I'll never be too upset to take you into my arms when you need it,'' Trench said, and she hugged him a little tighter.
''Too upset?'' Gabrielle asked, and Trench sighed.
''I don't like the higher version of you. Don't do that again, meine Liebe,'' Trench explained, and Gabrielle shifted her position so she could look at him. ''Please.''
Gabrielle felt the sadness in his voice and saw the concern in his eyes. She caressed his cheek with the tip of her finger, and he kissed her on the lips.
''I promise I won't,'' Gabrielle replied a moment later. ''I didn't mean to hurt you…or scare you…You could have just asked, or talked to me. You've never refrained from sharing your thoughts with me before.''
''I'm sorry. I should have talked to you,'' Trench admitted.
''It's ok. I wasn't really…attentive,'' Gabrielle said, looking embarrassed.
''I understand, more than you know,'' Trench said before he started to play with her hair. ''There's nothing you can't tell me.''
''Even if it's bad?'' Gabrielle asked, and Trench nodded. ''Trench I…I miss Gunnar. A lot, and it hurts to know that he's dead.''
''I know, love. It's ok. You can talk to me about him as much as you need,'' Trench said. ''We barely discovered that we love each other that way. Gunnar has been the love of your life for as long as you knew him, and he just died. I understand that it will take time, and I'll support you as you need every step of the way.''
''Fuck, I love you,'' Gabrielle said, and Trench chuckled. ''I know it doesn't compare to your surprisingly romantic way with words.''
''Don't compare yourself. You're the prize, not the competition,'' Trench told her, and she smiled.
''You smooth fucker,'' she said, and he laughed.
There was a moment of silence before he heard her whisper his name.
''What is it?'' Trench asked.
''Do you think I'll ever forgive Toll?'' Gabrielle asked with a small voice. ''Because right now, I am torn between wanting to comfort him and wanting to make him pay, and it scares me. He's supposed to be my best friend, and when I look at him, all I see now his Gunnar's murderer. I don't know what to think anymore. I just know that I lost Gunnar, and I don't want to lose him too. Does that make me a bad person?''
''No, mein Schatz. It doesn't. A bad person wouldn't want to forgive,'' Trench replied while caressing her back in an effort to soothe her. ''It makes you human.''
Gabrielle felt the tears rolling down her cheeks as Trench continued to soothe her until they both fell asleep.
[Safe House]
Barney watched his daughter sharpen her knives and position them in a precise order. He had a strong sense of déjà vu, but he couldn't find the memory that gave him that impression. Gabrielle leaned to take the last one when Woodsman's tags slipped out of her shirt.
''Are you still learning to count or are you wondering which one is more...representative?'' Doc let out as a wave of laughter rippled through the group.
''Laugh all you want. At least I know exactly what I have so I don't have false expectations about my...abilities,'' James replied as the others laughed even louder.
''Dad?'' Gabrielle asked, and Barney looked at her with a troubled look on his face.
He tried to smile at her before seeing Woodsman's plates intertwined with Lee's chain.
''James showed you how to do that, didn't he?'' Tool asked gently while gesturing his hand at the knives.
''Yeah, he did,'' Gabrielle said with a soft voice while she understood her dad's reaction.
She also missed him somehow. She felt the pain coming back. They'd lost so much…
''I think it's great that you're taking your time to prepare yourself,'' Yang chimed in, and she smiled at him a little.
''Of course you do,'' she replied to him softly.
''It's only missing one thing,'' Yang added with a sad expression before he put another, bigger knife on the table.
It was Gunnar's.
Gabrielle looked at it as tears started rolling down her cheeks. She was tired of crying. She'd been doing that for days now. That's why she'd gone into preparation mode. The first twenty-four hours had seen her cry non-stop. Then there had been episodes of numbness. It was only at day four when Trench had forced her to get out of bed that she'd begun to interact with people again. She did favor the kids because they weren't there when shit had hit the fan. They were less triggering.
She touched Gunnar's blade with the tip of her fingers before she inhaled sharply. It was cold to the touch. Everything seemed colder, emptier…painful.
''Gabrielle?'' asked Tool with a soft voice.
Gunnar used to talk to her like that too when he was scared for her. He didn't want her to be scared, in pain, or in danger…
''I don't think he would have wanted me to have it,'' she said to Yang, and he looked at her with a questioning look. ''The last thing Gunnar wanted for me was to become like him. It was the very reason why our relationship was problematic. Every time I got hurt or involved with your line of work, he'd be angry or scared and wouldn't handle it well. He'd just leave me rather than facing his guilt.''
''I hadn't thought about that…I'm sorry,'' Yang said, and she offered him another small smile.
''Don't be,'' Gabrielle told him. ''And since we are on the subject of anger and guilt…''
She paused and looked at Trench. He'd been encouraging her to talk. She knew she had to. Trench nodded, and she sighed. They all could see she was struggling with what she had to say, so they simply waited for the words to come.
''I know I've reacted very badly to Gunnar's death. I can't think of a good reaction to have, but this wouldn't be it. I was angry when I heard you talk behind my back, and maybe I still am a little upset that you didn't approach me directly, but I talked to Trench a lot in the past couple of days and…I understand now,'' she said with a hesitant voice. ''I will need help. I am in pain…so much pain. It makes me angry, irrational. I feel awful saying that, but I'm not even sure if I want to strangle or hug Toll. I am so fucking mad. I feel so guilty about it, and I know there are no good answers.''
Tool looked at her with both sadness and relief. She was finally opening up, going as far as to ask for help. And he would help her, always.
''How can we help you?'' asked Tool with a soft voice.
''I need to ask you some very painful questions and get honest answers,'' Gabrielle said, and they all nodded.
''How did you manage to kill Stonebanks and leave James behind the first time around? How did you manage to forgive James when he came back with me?'' she asked Barney and Tool before she turned to Yang. ''How did you not get mad and want revenge after Gunnar tried to kill you?''
They were all speechless for a moment, even though they understood why she asked them those questions. She needed to know how Toll could live with himself or how not to cross the line. Hell, she wanted to know if there was a line, and if so, where it was.
''You don't have to answer me yet, or at all. And take all the time you need to answer them,'' Gabrielle said. ''I just…''
''You want to know how to not go bad?'' Lee asked her softly while entering the kitchen, and she looked at him straight in the eyes.
He could see she was scared, and he assumed it was because of what they'd said about her.
''We hurt you that night, didn't we?'' Lee said, and she fought her tears.
Christmas took her in his arms, and slowly but surely, Gabrielle hugged him back. Lee felt himself relax a little. She was coming back to them.
''You had to. I was not going to a good place in my head. I would just rather have you talk to me about it instead of putting me aside. That's what hurt the most. We're a family, aren't we?'' she asked with a small voice.
''Of course we are sweetheart,'' Tool said as Lee let her go, and Gabrielle smiled a little.
''Always,'' Lee said as both Barney and Yang agreed silently.
''So, does that mean you'll have a black chicken on your back too?'' Lee added with a smile before he laughed a little at the sight of Tool flipping him off.
Gabrielle looked at her father, Tool, and Yang before she turned to Trench. She saw no one objecting. Trench even smiled at her a little.
''Do you want me to?'' she finally asked her father, and he smiled at her.
''If that's what you want,'' he said, and she raised an eyebrow. ''I mean it. And yes, I do believe you have what it takes to be a good asset for our team.''
Gabrielle smiled before she looked at Lee.
''Then yes, I'll have a black chicken tattoo on me, but not on the back,'' Gabrielle said before she looked at both Barney and Tool with a warm smile. ''I'd rather have it on my heart.''
They smiled back at her, touched by her words, and Tool went to take her in his arms.
''I am so fucking glad you're with us,'' Tool told her, and she felt the tears coming back. ''I love you.''
''I love you too,'' she said as they heard Doc, Hale, and Luna coming back from patrol.
''What's up with all the feelings over here?'' Luna asked while taking off her coat.
''Celebrating my future black chicken tattoo,'' Gabrielle said with a smile.
''Holy shit for real?!'' Hale exclaimed before he ran to take Gabrielle in his arms. He lifted her up to spin her.
''YASS!'' he exclaimed before putting her down.
Gabrielle laughed as Barney chuckled.
''It's a fucking raven!'' Tool exclaimed, and they all laughed before welcoming her whole heartedly to the team.