All the power was out. They were waiting silently in the dark room for the Reaver ship to pass on. They were all scared for sure- who wouldn't be? Jayne stared into the star field, his breath fogging the glass. All it took was patience and self control. He had enough of that. Something moved behind him. He could hear but not see them, not that he needed to anyway. He knew it was River. Her slender hand was cold against his, but he held it just the same. She wasn't scared, he could feel that. She didn't have a need to be, far as he was concerned. The ship drifted lazily, stars passing idly by out the window. Any second now.

"All clear," Zoe whispered over the intercom.

"If it's all clear, why're we whisperin?" Jyane whispered to the others in the still dark room.

"Because we're still terrified," Kaylee told him from somewhere to the left. Jayne nodded- it was sound reasoning.

River kissed his shoulder and disappeared from his side just as the lights came back up. "Come, Jayne," she announced, "I need therapy."

"Wh-what?" he stammered. Her brother and everyone else was right there.

"Therpay?" Simon asked. "You go to Jayne for therapy?"

She nodded. "We talk. Most nights. Why he's been so tired."

"But you-"

"Jayne," she continued, ignoring her brother, "I need it. Now please. I'm confused."

"Me too," Simon agreed. "River, why do you talk to him and not...well, me?"

"Jayne listens." "I listen." "No, you analyze. He makes sense." He also makes me orgasm at least twice a night.

"Jayne makes sense? The man names his guns! He shoots people like ducks at the carnival!"

"The man is standing right here," Jayne said, temper rising. "And he can knock you into next Monday, doc."

Simon pointed at Jayne, his last comment only solidifying how unfit a therapist he was. "How could he possibly help you understand how to control your brain?"

"He doesn't. He just listens and it all comes out on its own." She paused for thought. "Don't be jealous, Simon. I don't love him more than you."

She'd hit the nail right on the head, and it showed. He was jealous. Why could she open up to the neanderthal? The man who'd tried to give her back to the very people who'd messed her up to begin with? "How can he possibly be helpful?" he asked.

"Would you rather I be stabbing him or talking to him?"

He glanced at Jayne. "Is this a trick question?"

"Watch it," Jayne said testily.

"You guys," Kaylee said diplomatically, still shaken a bit by the Reavers scare. "Come on."

River took Jayne's hand. "Therapy please!" she said, pulling him toward her bedroom. He followed begrudgingly, tossing an indifferent shrug to Kaylee.

"I don't like this," Simon declared as soon as they'd gone.

"You should like it," Kaylee said soothingly, putting a delicate hand on his shoulder. "She's getting along with people. It's especially good she and Jayne are talking. He doesn't warm up to people real well."

"I don't trust it. There's something going on I don't like. Why would he be willing to listen to her, he has the least patience for her antics out of all of us."

"Why're you worryin so much?"

"Because she's my sister. And it's Jayne." "I guess." What worried him most was that River might be trusting Jayne on a more than friends level, and if that ever happened not only would Simon lose his mind but Jayne could hurt his sister very badly without even trying.

"So," River concluded, holding a pillow in her lap, "I should be scared of therm but I'm not. Why?"

"I dunno," Jayne said, picking up something from her shelf. "What the hell is this?"

"You weren't even listening!" she accused.

"I heard ya," he assured her. "Just don't know what you want me to say." He looked around her room- it was very plain, considering everything else about her from her smile to her clothes was exotically weird. "Why is this room so damn empty?"

"I have nothing to put in it. Can you focus, please?"

"How often I ever been in your room? Just curious about it is all."

"Jayne!"

"Okay, okay! Damn girl. I think..." He tapped a finger to his forehead, putting on his best 'I'm thinking about very important things' face. River giggled. "I think you're worryin' about something stupid. After what happened after Miranda, you killin dozens of Reavers all by your lonesome, how could you be scared of 'em? Be like takin' on a wolf pack then cowerin' from some puppy."

"But everyone else was scared."

"Nobody else can do what you did. 'Sides, why you wanna be like everybody else anyway?"

"I want to be normal."

He shook his head. "Look around you, kid. No one here's normal. Captain flies a ship named after a losing battle. Kaylee treats the ship like a person. Zoe married Wash. Everyone's got somethin' wrong with 'em."

"What's wrong with you?"

Dana. "Nothin."

"Jayne, you ever have therapy?"

"Once or twice a night with you, most days."

"I mean real therpay. Talking."

"I got nothin to talk about."

"What about Dana?"

Jayne's eyes went dark. "Nope. Nothin to say about it."

"You were dreaming about him again last night. Could hear you all the way down here."

"Don't remember it," he lied.

"Yesterday was the anniversary."

"I dunno."

"Why won't you talk about it?"

"Got nothin to say on the matter!" he snapped. "Dana's dead, he ain't important and-"

"He loved you."

Jayne's voice was tight. "I don't care."

"Yes, you do." She was suddenly behind him, her slender arms encircling his shoulders. "Why don't you talk about it? It helps. Trust me."

"Don't wanna talk about it, don't need to talk about it, ain't gonna." Stay outta my head please stay outta my head I don't want you in there.

"Okay, I won't listen to your thoughts." She kissed his shoulder. He shrugged her off.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Yes you do."

"I don't wanna want to talk about it."

"Sit down." She tugged his arm untl he fell back onto her mattress. "Tell me about Dana."

"No."

River knelt behind him and rbber his shoulders. "Yes."

"No!" he snapped, shoving her away. "I'm not the crazy one here, I don't need therapy!" He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

For once he was the one who couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned waiting for his eyes to want to close, but they refused. When the hell is she gonna get here? His room was too quiet, too cold and too solitary. The door opened and light invaded the darkness. About fucking time. She cliombed down the ladder, closed the door and waited. "Well?" Jayne asked the dark.

"You wanted me here." It wasn't a question.

"Don't care," he told her.

"You need therapy?"

He sighed. "Yeah."

"To forget him?"

"Yeah," he admitted.

"Tell me about him first."

"If you wanna know so bad, tap into my head."

"You want to tell someone."

Yes, he did. It'd been bugging him a lot recently. "Get in bed," he said finally, moving over for her.

She climbed in beside him, wiggling around until she was comfortable. her ear was pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. The air pushing in and out of his lungs was like a lullaby. "How old were you?" she asked. "When you met him?"

"I was nineteen."

"That's young."

"I know that. You wanna hear or not? If you do, you best be keepin quiet." She kissed his nipple, indicating she would be quiet. "All right," he continued. "I was nineteen 'an out on my own. Dana found me eatin chicken off some rich guy's plate in some high class restaurant hotel or whatever. I'd stolen it while he was in the bathroom. Man's wife was still at the table, she didn't even notice. Thought Dana was arrestin me, but he said it was the most impressive lift he'd seen for a while. Offered me a job for his company."

"Hired mercenaries."

"If you like. Hit men, they called themselves. Real organized, but they'd stab one another for a buck, no hesitation."

"Like you?"

"You wanna hear this?" She was quiet again. "Anyway, Dana worked under this guy Starr who ran everything. He said I was Dana's problem an' if I weren't an ace in less than a month I was gonna get shot by the firing squad. Nearly pissed myself. Don't get me wrong, Starr was a decent enough guys, far as hired killers go. Didn't take shit. So anyways, Dana brought me along on all his jobs for the next month, showin me what's what. Did a lot of training- weaponry, combat. Most important was what he called desensitization. Basically was just learnin me how to not care 'ebout the people I'd be killin. You comfortable lyin like that?"

"Yes. Tell me more."

"You're still listenin?"

"Of course. What happeneed to you and Dana?"

"Got along real well. He was a real funny guy. Made the job kinda like a game. I remember this one time, we was settin up some ambassador form someother such place 'an we was waiting 'till the time to make the hit. An' he kept crackin jokes 'bout everyone in this fancy ass hotel. Like this one woman, ugly as sin wearin the worst damn dress you ever seen in your life." He chuckled softly. "Man that woman was awful. Dana said something so damn funny, don't even remember what it was but I laughed so hard fucked up thew whole opersation. Everyone took notice of us, exactly what we didn't want. High-tailed it outta there fast as anything. Had to make the hit later when the ambassador was on the crapper." He laughed out loud now. It was mirthful and genuine. "I was so scared. Thought Dana was gonna beat me senseless. But he wasn't even mad. He said to me 'Jayne, there's nothing more important in life than loyalty.' And he laughed right along with me afterward." His body tensed. "Took all the heat from Starr, too. Wasn't all that funny when you think about it. We was killin someone. Shouldn't have been laughin." He thought a few more minutes, his brow furrowed. "Man was real good to me. I think... think he might be the best friend I ever had."

Was he tearing up? River tried to see his eyes through the darkness but all she could go on was his voice, which had cracked a little. "Jayne?" she said softly.

"Bout three months after that, Starr called me in. Mind you, Starr wanted nothin from me unless he sent it through Dana. Well, I got to his office and Dana weren't there. Wanted to leave right then but that would've been the worst idea I ever had so I stayed put. Starr said he wanted to test me. Was givin me my first solo job." "You didn't want it." "No, I did want it. I was ready. But he... I didn't..."

"He wantred Dana."

"Fucking wanted Dana. I guess dana was lettin his loyalties lie somewhere other'n with Starr. Wanted him out. Said I was closest to him so I'd be the best one for the job. Wanted to see where my loyalties were. I just..." He laid an arm over his eyes. "Took it. What the fuck else was I gonna do?" He punched the wall angrily. "No emotion, that's what he told me. No attachments. Thought I could do it."

"But you did do it."

"Only cuz... I couldn't... He just kept lookin at me with them big damn eyes. How could he ask me not to?"

"He knew you were supposed to kill him." She stroked his hair tenderly.

"Course he knew. Dana always fucking knew. Could read me like a book. So we was sittin in his kitchen drinkin beer an' he wasn't payin attention an' I... so he..."

"He kissed you." "Why?" he yelled, and now she knew he was crying. "The fuck would he do that to me?"

"He loved you."

"WHY? Fuck, what did he want me to do?"

"Loyalty. He wanted you to love him."

"But I'm not... I ain't like that." He punched the wall again. "Pulled out my gun, an' he just looked at me, all serious-like. Just looked at me with them awful brown eyes. An' he said 'Okay' and leaned over, past my gun an' everything and he...he..." He couldn't even say it. "Just wanted him to stop lookin at me. Like he was pleadin for his life. So I shot him. Shot him in the chest, and he looked so sad an confused, like how could I do that to him. How could I not?"

"You didn't have a choice." River understood. It was either kill or be killed, and Jayne had made the human choice- he killed. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Fuck you," he said, his arm still covering his face. "Don't want your gorram pity. Thought this was supposed to make me feel better. Feel like shit." "I always feel better. Maybe you did it wrong."

"How the hell'd I do it wrong? You said talk, I talked."

"I don't know." Maybe therapy didn't work on everybody. Or maybe it did, and this session wasn't over just yet. "Did you love him?"

"No," he said immediately. "No, weren't like that. Think that's what gets me. I don't think he knew I'd hit him until I pulled the trigger. Surprised me with a kiss much as I surprised him with a bullet."

"Are you sorry you did it?"

"Ain't in the job to be sorry. Done hundreds of men since. Routine by now."

"But are you sorry it was him? The first one, I mean."

Finally he removed his arm from his eyes and turned to face her. "You tell me," he said dully." "Dream about him near every damn night."

River's eyes had adjusted to the darkness and she could faintly see his face. He'd been crying, all right. That face was the face of a broken man. Simon could look like that sometimes. Mal had definitely looked that way when he'd lost the war. "I'm sure he forgives you," she told Jayne.

"Don't need his forgiveness. Need to forget it." He felt her fingertips find his hand and move it beneath the sheets until he was cupping her small breast.

"Forget," she implored him.

He didn't move his hand. "Don't work like that."

"It can."

"Shouldn't." What was the matter with him? Since when did he turn down a woman in bed?

"Why are you so hard to understand?" River asked him. You seem so simple, but everything about you complicates me."

"Guess I'm a mess," he shrugged. "Like you."

"Both lost?"

"I ain't lost. Know exactly where I am."

"Where are you?"

"Serenity." State of mind of firefly? Did it matter? "With a crazy girl in my bed fixin to get me in heaps of trouble."

"Should I go?"

"Nah."

River touched his face, too many emotions barging in. She felt such tenderness for him, and respect, and loathing and lust and… love? "Kiss me?" she asked.

"Why?"

"Because I want you to. Want you to stop hurting, want to make it better." Want you to love me.

"No," he said solemnly. "Didn't work for him and it won't work for you. Jayne Cobb don't fall in… that."

"Love?"

"Yep."
"I didn't say anything about it."

"You just said-"

"No, I thought it."

Now he was puzzled. There were a lot of things he was, but a reader wasn't one of them. "No, you… I heard you…clear as day."

She kissed his neck, and that's when he noticed his hand was still attached to her chest. He moved it to her lower back. She pulled herself closer to him. "Let me in, Jayne."

"My room? You're already in."

"Your head."

"You been before."

"Your heart, then."

"Ain't no room," he told her. Her stomach was pressed against his and she was soft and warm.

"I'm small."

"Like hell," he scoffed. "This bed's made for half of me and somehow you manage to take up the space of four people."

"Then why do you let me stay?"

"Sex is good." And I don't care much to sleep alone, if I can help it. "An' I always kick you out afterward."

That, she had to admit, was true. He always got her to leave before anyone else woke up. She didn't like how serious this conversation between them had become. Most of the time she enjoyed making people uncomfortable by displaying truth they all tried to avoid. Right now she didn't like it because she wasn't sure what the truth was. It was easier to read everyone else rather than herself. "Jayne likes River," she teased, trying to lighten the mood. Being with Jayne was about not thinking so much.

"You're okay, I guess."

"Jayne likes her smile, and the way she rubs his back…"

"Suppose."

"…and Jayne likes how her thighs feel when they're clamped around his head-"

"Hey, hey!" he interrupted. Till right then she was almost bein' charming. "Some thoughts are best left unsaid, and my feelings on your thighs 'round my head is one of them."

"Makes you feel dirty?"

"Makes me feel like I been doin something I shouldn't." Which he had.

River smirked. "Jayne likes how her voice is in his head, loud and uninhibited. The room is silent but she screams in his head."

"Knock it off," he said playfully.

"He likes how delicate she is until he thrusts himself into her, and then she gets wild and bendy and damn, girl, where did a little crazy learn to do that with her tongue?"

"Would you get outta here?" She was starting to make him horny. "You got what you came for. I told you about Dana though I'll bet you already knew, and yes, I do feel better. Now git so I can get some sleep."

"You don't want to sleep anymore."

Damnit. "Do so. Stop actin like you know everything." Don't want you to go but you better. Tonight's makin me all sorts of confused an' I don't care much for it at all. Too much talk on feelings and such. Enough to make a man crazy.

"Okay," River said, "I'll go." She climbed out of bed and tucked him in. "Thank you."

"For what? Didn't do nothing."

"You talked."

"I guess." He didn't know what in the hell she was thanking him for, but he didn't want to start talking again. He rolled over and faced his gun rack.

"Goodnight, Jayne," she said kindly. She was out in the hallways and heading back to her room before he responded with a barely audible "Night."