Elizabeth had never seen a man cry before. She'd seen Jack tear up at times, but never had she seen him break down. Nathan Grant stood before her a broken man. Wherever his mind had gone, it was an excruciating place. She somehow knew that he wasn't thinking of his brother like she had been when she mentioned his loss. His deep, guttural sobs tore at her heart. She did the only thing she knew to do to provide him some comfort. She slid her arms around him and held him close.
Nathan's arms wrapped around her in return with a crushing force. He sank to his knees, taking her with him, holding her as if he would never let go. His cheek rested against hers, the stubble there scratching at her skin as his body shook with sobs.
Elizabeth lost track of time. She forgot her own grief. All her focus was on the hurting man in her arms. She knew without a doubt he had indeed lost someone close to his heart. She found herself wondering who the woman was and what she had meant to Nathan. Had he been in love? What happened to her? Nathan had said he was never married, then quickly followed it with saying he never would marry. Had someone broken his heart? Or…worse?
Maybe he needed to talk about it. Sometimes that was more healing than trying to muddle through on one's own. Elizabeth had learned that in the months since Jack's death. When she kept everything inside, the pain got worse. When she spoke of her feelings to Abigail or Rosemary or Bill, a little bit of healing took place. She hoped she could be there for Nathan if he needed her.
Eventually, his body stopped shaking. He still held her tightly, almost like he was afraid something bad would happen if he let go. Elizabeth gently reached up with one hand to stroke his hair. It was soft and thick between her fingers. "Nathan?" she whispered.
He lifted his head to look at her. His face was much closer than she realized. Elizabeth wasn't sure how it happened, but as he turned toward her, their lips brushed against each other. The brief touch was soft but unmistakable. Elizabeth's pulse increased even as shock coursed through her body. Nathan looked equally stunned. They stared at each other wordlessly.
Elizabeth wasn't sure what to think. The light brush could hardly be called a real kiss, especially considering its accidental nature. Jack was the only man she had ever kissed. She wasn't sure how she felt about another man's lips touching hers. Part of her felt guilty, like it was a betrayal of Jack. Another part of her wanted Nathan to truly kiss her. The conflicting feelings were confusing, causing a whirlwind of emotions to swirl inside.
Nathan swallowed, relaxing his hold on her. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He let her go, getting to his feet and backing up several paces. His trajectory took him straight into Jack's headstone. He teetered for a moment before losing his balance and falling to his knees. He looked at the stone, then let out a groan. Placing a hand to his head, he closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he said again.
Elizabeth wasn't sure if he was talking to her or to Jack. She had a feeling it was the latter. He had just accidentally kissed the woman his friend loved in life. They were right beside his grave. She was sure that was enough to make Nathan feel a sense of guilt, much like she had after his lips brushed hers.
Still, there was nothing to apologize for. It hadn't been planned. It just happened.
She stood, making her way to him once more. "You don't have to apologize," she said softly. "It was an accident."
Nathan looked at her with tortured eyes. "That may be, but it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have been holding you so close that a simple turn of the head caused our lips to touch." He lifted his hands in a helpless gesture. "Jack has only been gone for six months. You are grieving him. It feels like I betrayed my friend just now."
Elizabeth understood guilt. What she didn't understand was the strength of his reaction. "You didn't betray him, Nathan. I hugged you, remember? I did it because you were in pain and clearly needed comfort. You were simply responding to that."
Nathan's throat worked. "I don't want to give you the wrong idea, Elizabeth."
She tilted her head, confused. "The wrong idea about what?"
He swallowed again, looking down at the ground. "About my intentions. I'm only looking for friendship. I have no plans to marry or fall in love again. Friendship is all I can offer anyone."
Elizabeth frowned, a hollow feeling forming in her stomach. Her mind honed in on the words love again. He had been in love once. She remembered Colleen saying Nathan had been hurt in his last relationship. How deep did that hurt run?
She hesitated for a moment before kneeling beside him. "Where did you go, Nathan?"
He blinked again, his watery eyes meeting hers. There was a question there.
Elizabeth continued gently. "When I asked if it was strange how losing someone so close to you could tear you apart inside – that's when you broke down. You went somewhere in your mind, a place that was obviously unhappy." She placed a hand on his shoulder. Nathan tensed at her touch. She kept the contact with him. "Please, talk to me," she whispered. "I've never seen anyone break down like that before. Something painful from your past is locked inside of you. It's keeping you from finding joy and love." She waited until he looked at her. "Everyone deserves love, Nathan."
He shook his head listlessly. "Not me."
Elizabeth took his face in her hands, forcing him to keep eye contact with her. "You deserve love, Nathan. You're a good man with lots to offer. You have a wonderful heart that is capable of great love. What are you running from?"
His jaw clenched and his eyes closed. "It's not for me, Elizabeth. You don't understand."
She rubbed a thumb over his jaw. The movement made his eyes open in surprise. She leaned forward until only inches separated them. "Then make me understand." Her quiet words were a plea for him to trust her, a plea for him to share his burden so it no longer held him captive.
Nathan seemed to be fighting an interior battle. She could see the war raging in his eyes. His throat worked convulsively as he stared at her. Finally, he gave her a single nod.
Elizabeth smiled gently at him. "Let's sit," she suggested. She settled herself on the ground with her back against Jack's headstone. Patting the space beside her, she waited for Nathan to sit as well. He paused for the briefest of moments, looking from her to the headstone and back again. Elizabeth let him sort through whatever thoughts he was thinking. Being at Jack's grave seemed to cause his hesitation.
Elizabeth didn't mind. It felt entirely appropriate to her that Jack was a part of these moments in the graveyard. He had been an important part of both their lives. She had a feeling he would approve of their friendship.
Slowly, Nathan lowered himself to the ground beside her. They sat together in silence for several long moments. Elizabeth didn't push Nathan to start talking. She knew he would speak when he was ready. If he had been badly hurt, it might take him time to collect his thoughts.
Finally, he began. "About two and a half years ago, I met a woman named Sarah. She moved to Pine Springs to be the town librarian. I read a lot, and I would make weekly trips to the library. That's where I met her." He smiled briefly. "When she asked if she could help me find something, I couldn't find any words. I think I stared at her in shock for a full minute, struck by her beauty and her kindness. I was never good with talking to women. I dated here and there over the years, but nothing ever felt right. With Sarah, I sensed something more could grow. That didn't help my tongue-tied nature. Since I couldn't find my words, that first conversation stalled. But I was drawn to her. Soon my visits to the library became daily instead of weekly. I pretended I was in constant need of a new book." His smile reappeared for another brief moment. "Sarah saw right through that. After two months of my visits, she asked me to dinner."
Elizabeth couldn't help a small chuckle of surprise. "She asked you out?"
Nathan nodded, his eyes soft at the memory. "She did. After dinner, I asked if I could court her. She said yes." He leaned his head back against the stone behind them. "We had been together for five months when I realized I was in love with her. I was so nervous when I first said those words to her, but it was the happiest moment of my life when she said them back. For the first time, I could see a future with someone. I was excited about the possibilities ahead. I even started looking at rings." His throat worked. "I wanted to marry her."
A curl of dread swept through Elizabeth. She knew this story wouldn't have a happy ending. "What happened?" she whispered.
Nathan closed his eyes. A tear slid down his cheek. "The Controni gang happened," he said, his words bitter.
Elizabeth gasped. She'd heard of the notorious gang. They were known for depravity and cruelty, striking fear into the hearts of anyone who heard their name. She remembered hearing of their arrest, but the details were hazy in her mind.
Nathan rubbed a hand over his face. "I was assigned to track them," he said. "I was nervous because of their tendency to hurt those who attempted to find them. They never hesitated to kidnap and kill innocent civilians. I thought Sarah might be in danger. She had been talking about visiting her family in Montreal, so I encouraged her to go. I wanted her as far away from danger as possible. She didn't know I was tracking a dangerous gang. I didn't want her to worry. When she got on that train, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. If Sarah was safe, I could do my job without worrying about her getting caught in the crossfire." He paused, tears streaming down his cheeks like rain. "She was supposed to stay in Montreal for two months. I thought I had time. What I didn't count on was her returning two weeks early to surprise me." A sob choked him. "I had just tracked down the gang's whereabouts. We were going to move in to arrest them. But they somehow knew we were onto them. They must have been watching for any opportunity to throw me off." His voice became a broken whisper. "They took Sarah as she was on her way to see me."
The dread in Elizabeth's stomach grew as Nathan related what happened that horrible day. By the time he told her of Sarah's execution-style death, they were both crying. At some point during his story, Elizabeth had slid an arm across his waist, lending silent support. Nathan gripped her arm with one hand, holding on like she was a lifeline. When he finished talking, Elizabeth leaned her head on his shoulder.
"Oh, Nathan," she said quietly, her heart hurting for him. She didn't have anything else to say. She knew she couldn't comfort him with words. His pain was too great.
He let out a heavy sigh. "I wanted to die with her, Elizabeth. When Ray and his men began beating me after they killed Sarah, I welcomed the pain. I knew they were trying to kill me too, but I didn't care. I just wanted the emotional pain to end." Another pair of tears fell from his eyes. "The Mounties chose that moment to show up. They overpowered the gang and arrested them. When they untied me, I crawled to Sarah and held her for a long time." More tears slipped down his cheeks. "If they had been minutes earlier, Sarah might not have died. If I had waited for them like my supervisor wanted, she might not have died."
Elizabeth sensed a strong guilt in Nathan. Instinctively, she knew he blamed himself for Sarah's death. His next words confirmed that.
"She would still be alive if it wasn't for me," he said, his voice hollow. "I'm the reason she suffered during those hours in the cabin. I'm the reason she was killed. If we hadn't been in a relationship, she never would have died." His voice broke again. "I won't take that chance a second time. It's better to be alone than to risk that hurt."
His words smote Elizabeth's heart. She lifted her head to look at him. "Better to be alone? Surely you don't mean that."
"Yes, I do," he said, his voice empty.
She stared at him. "Does that mean it's better for me to remain alone as well? Jack's death tore me apart, Nathan. Should I close myself off to love if it's offered again?"
He shook his head vehemently. "Of course not! You're young and kind and beautiful. You have so much to give, Elizabeth. If you get another chance at love, you should take it." His throat convulsed. "You were not responsible for Jack's death. You deserve to find love again. I don't. Not after what happened to Sarah."
Elizabeth straightened, turning to look at him fully. "You can't let fear and pain keep you from happiness," she said softly. "You need to let go of your guilt. Sarah's death was tragic, but it wasn't your fault."
"It was my fault," Nathan said, a note of stubbornness in his tone.
Elizabeth's brow crinkled. "Do you truly believe that, or is it an excuse to close yourself off?" she asked bluntly.
Nathan looked as if she had struck him. Elizabeth was surprised at her own words, but she didn't take them back. They stared at each other for several long moments. A wall seemed to go up between them. Nathan glanced at Jack's headstone, then stood.
"It's getting late," he said, offering a hand to help her to her feet. "We should head back to town."
He was avoiding her question, which told Elizabeth all she needed to know. He was scared to love again. She couldn't blame him, but she also wanted to help him see that love was worth the risk. If she could do it all over again with Jack, knowing how it ended, she wouldn't hesitate. She would still choose love.
She wondered if Nathan would choose the same.