When Nathan woke the next day, he immediately wished for the oblivion of sleep once more. His head was pounding with an intensity he'd never experienced in his life. His throat burned and his eyes felt gritty. As he cracked his eyes open, the light in the room nearly blinded him. He groaned, pressing a hand to his head.

"Good morning."

Gabe's voice reached his ears from somewhere in the room. Nathan tried to open his eyes and groaned again. The ache in his head only seemed to increase.

Someone gripped his arm. "Come on, Nathan," Gabe said, his voice quiet but firm. "You need to sit up. I have strong black coffee waiting for you. You're going to need it after last night."

Nathan struggled to move. The effort felt monumental, even with Gabe's assistance. He groaned a third time as his body finally stayed in an upright position. Raking a hand over his face, he felt the night's growth of facial hair rough against his palm. Gabe pushed a mug of hot coffee into his hands. Nathan took a sip and immediately wanted to spit it out. His friend hadn't been kidding when he said it was strong. He let his eyes slit open, glancing up at Gabe.

The other man was smiling grimly. "I know it tastes like tar," he said. "But trust me, it'll help. There's some eggs and bacon when you're done with the coffee."

Nathan's stomach rumbled at the mention of food. With a start, he realized he hadn't eaten in quite some time. Gabe sat with him quietly while Nathan finished the coffee. By the time he had drunk all the bitter brew, he felt slightly more human. When he had finished his breakfast, the headache had begun to subside. As he sipped his second, more palatable cup of coffee, he was starting to feel more like himself.

He rubbed his head, fully opening his eyes for the first time. Immediately, he frowned. He looked at Gabe, who was watching him from a chair beside the bed. "Gabe…why am I in a jail cell?"

Gabe let out a breath. "What do you remember about last night?" he asked.

Nathan recognized the Mountie technique of answering a question with a question. It was something he had done many times when he wanted to know what a person's frame of mind was during questioning. The fact that Gabe used it on him suddenly made him nervous.

What had he done?

He concentrated, trying to break through the fog in his brain. Pain sliced through him as he remembered. Being at the graveyard. Talking with Elizabeth. One innocent question from her had released the flood of memories about Sarah and her death at the hands of the Controni gang. He closed his eyes, about to fight off the memories that threatened to consume him again.

"Don't," Gabe said softly.

Nathan looked at him, feeling the brokenness sweep over him. "Don't what?" he asked in a choked voice.

"Don't shut down the memories," Gabe said. "You need to remember and process what happened, Nathan. Please don't go back to that closed-off place in your mind."

Nathan swallowed. "It hurts, Gabe. It hurts so much." A memory flickered in his mind. He'd gone to the saloon to have dinner. He remembered the pain even then, remembered thinking he needed to talk to Gabe. He looked at his friend. "Did I tell you what happened? I have a memory of being in the saloon and wanting to come talk to you. Did I do that? Is that why I'm here?"

Gabe shook his head. "You haven't told me what happened," he said. "At least not intentionally. Would you like to do so now?"

Not intentionally? It still made no sense to Nathan why he was in the jail, but he trusted Gabe. His friend would tell him soon enough. For now, Nathan found he did want to talk. He wanted to share his darkest secret with his best friend, the secret he'd kept locked inside for far too long.

Slowly, he related everything to Gabe. He held nothing back. Tears came again, but he let them fall without hindrance. Gabe listened quietly, letting Nathan talk until there was nothing more to say. When he finished, he slumped against the wall, emotionally exhausted after reliving his worst nightmare twice in the span of one day.

Gabe didn't say anything. He simply rose to sit on the bed beside Nathan and let him feel the support of his presence. Nathan had thought he was finished talking, but he soon found himself speaking up again. Now that he'd started, he couldn't stop.

"I tell people I joined the fight in the north because of Joshua's death, to finish what he started. While that's true – and it was the main reason – there was another reason as well. I was running from memories of Sarah. They were everywhere in Pine Springs. I had to get out of there." He sighed. "When Joshua died, I was already raw from Sarah's death. She hadn't even been gone for three months before I got word that Joshua was killed in action." He was quiet for a moment, his throat working as old guilt welled up inside. "You know what makes it worse, Gabe? Joshua asked me to come visit a month after Sarah died. I said no because I wasn't in a good place mentally. I figured I'd have time to see him once I got my grief under control." Another tear slipped down his cheek. "I never got the chance. If I had visited when he asked me to, I'd have been able to see my brother one last time. I would have been able to hug him and tell him that I loved him. Instead, I'll always wonder what could have been if we'd had that time before his death." He stared at the wall, seeing nothing. "And you already know I struggle with guilt over Joshua's death, thinking I should have been there with him."

"I know," Gabe said quietly. The two words were all he said, but it further served to release more of Nathan's inner turmoil. He took a deep breath before continuing.

"I think I blame myself for Jack's death too."

Gabe blinked, his brow wrinkling. "Why? I was there, Nathan. You literally saved Jack's life at one point, taking a bullet meant for him. He was the one who charged the bandits. There was nothing more you could have done."

Nathan sighed, the guilt refusing to let up. "I know that rationally," he said. "But I told Jack I had a bad feeling before the ambush. Part of me thinks there was something I could have done. Maybe if I'd insisted that we halt and scope out the area, Jack and the other men would still be alive."

"That wouldn't have made a difference," Gabe said, his tone gentle. "You know that. Those bandits were lying in wait. We wouldn't have found them even if we'd known what to look for. The end result would have been the same." He placed a hand on Nathan's shoulder. "Have you felt this way since the attack, or has it been recent?"

Nathan rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm not sure. I only named the feeling this morning, though I've been thinking about it for over a month."

Gabe folded his hands in his lap. "Might I make an observation?"

Nathan nodded. "Of course."

"Perhaps your guilt over Jack's death is because you've developed feelings for Elizabeth," Gabe said. "I think you might be projecting that guilt onto yourself in an effort to explain why you shouldn't be falling for her."

His old defenses rose fast. "I'm not falling for Elizabeth," he said, knowing he was in denial even as the words left his mouth.

Gabe gave a short laugh. "You're right, you're not falling. You've already fallen. And you told her as much."

Nathan felt a fearful sort of foreboding at Gabe's words. "What do you mean?" Had Elizabeth mentioned their accidental kiss to Gabe? That was the only thing that made sense to him. He plunged ahead. "Is it because I kissed her?"

Gabe blinked at him. "Come again?"

"I kissed Elizabeth yesterday. At Jack's grave."

Gabe stared at him. "You what?"

Despite himself, Nathan couldn't help a short laugh. "Really? Out of everything I told you so far, that's what you're surprised about?" He shook his head. "I didn't mean to kiss her. She was comforting me, and we were in close proximity. When I lifted my head to look at her, somehow our lips touched."

His friend relaxed slightly. "So you didn't kiss her on purpose?"

Nathan shook his head. "Definitely not." Even so, a warm tingling sensation curled through his stomach as he remembered the sweet shock of feeling her lips against his, no matter how brief the contact had been. It was abruptly extinguished as he remembered he wasn't worthy of her love. Not now, not ever.

Gabe pressed his lips together. "Do you remember anything about last night, Nathan? After thinking you wanted to come talk to me?"

Nathan squinted, trying to remember. After a few minutes, he gave up. "No," he said. "I must have been more tired than I thought. Did I come here after going to the saloon?"

Gabe laughed without mirth. "You could say that. Though it wasn't exactly voluntary. I basically had to drag you here with Bill's help." He crossed his arms, looking at Nathan through the side of his eye. "You were drunk, Nathan."

His mind automatically rebelled at the thought. He didn't drink, and he had certainly never been drunk. "That's impossible," he protested. "Please tell me you're joking."

Gabe's serious look told him everything he needed to know. Nathan sank back against the wall, stunned. "I got drunk?" he whispered.

"It wasn't entirely your fault," Gabe said. "Tom started it, though you made the decision to drink the alcohol – which, I might add, was ill-advised, especially on an empty stomach. I'd ask what you were thinking, but I know you were under extreme emotional duress."

Nathan rubbed his forehead, where a hint of a headache still lingered. "That's why I felt awful waking up," he murmured. "I was hung over."

Gabe nodded. "Exactly." A light smirk formed on his lips. "You were singing at the top of your lungs, my friend. And laughing. And crying."

Nathan looked up, color rushing into his cheeks. "Did you say Bill saw me like that?"

Gabe nodded again. "He helped me get you here."

Nathan groaned. "Oh…" He covered his face with his hands. "Please tell me no one else saw that."

Gabe chuckled. "You were in the saloon, Nathan. Quite a few people saw that."

Nathan peeked at him through his fingers. "That's not what I meant."

His friend quickly became serious. "I know. And…I'm afraid someone else did see."

Dread hammered his gut. "No," he whispered, remembering Gabe's words from earlier. Something about him telling Elizabeth…what? His eyes widened. "Elizabeth?" At Gabe's nod, Nathan looked at his friend almost desperately. "What did I say to her, Gabe?" Though he feared the answer, he had to know.

Gabe let out a breath. "You told her you were falling for her. You said you didn't want to love again, but that it was too late. You called her 'my love' and 'my Elizabeth'." He raised a brow. "You basically admitted you were in love with her."

Nathan's face blanched. "No. No, no, no, no!" he cried, raking his hands through his hair. "I said all that to her face?"

Gabe nodded. "In front of me and Bill," he said quietly. "I'm not sure which of us was more surprised."

Nathan groaned. His face burned with shame. "How did she react?"

"She looked shocked," Gabe admitted. "But she didn't run. She told you not to let your demons win, and then she kissed your cheek." He smiled, his eyes light. "I think your feelings might be returned, Nathan."

He shook his head quickly. "No, that can't be," he said. "She needs someone whole and unbroken. Someone who can protect her and love her without being haunted by ghosts from the past. I can't give her that. I don't want to love again."

Gabe regarded him quietly. "I think it's too late for that," he said bluntly. "You're in love with Elizabeth. You need to accept that fact. And I think you need to do something about it."

Nathan felt stubbornness rise up inside. "No," he insisted. "I can't give her what she needs, Gabe. She's better off without me."

Gabe crossed his arms, staring Nathan down. "You can give her exactly what she needs. If you'd pick yourself up and quit running in fear, you'd see that you have a lot to offer Elizabeth." He hiked a brow. "What are you scared of?"

Nathan stared back at his best friend. "What am I scared of?" he repeated, disbelief in his voice. "How can you ask that, after what I just told you?"

Gabe faced him squarely. "I hear excuses, Nathan." His words were sharp, but his tone was gentle, as if he were speaking to a spooked horse. "Sarah's death was not your fault. Joshua's death was not your fault. Jack's death was not your fault."

Sighing, Nathan shook his head. "I can see your point about Joshua and Jack," he admitted. "But Sarah's death is completely on me. If we hadn't been together, she wouldn't be dead. She wouldn't have suffered through being gang raped and then experienced an execution-style death." The words stuck in his throat, pain radiating through him. "She's dead because of me."

Gabe rose from the bed and squatted beside it, taking Nathan's shoulders in his hands. "You listen to me," he said firmly. "What happened to Sarah was the fault of the Controni gang. Not you. In fact, I'd go so far as to say if you let them steal your happiness and your future by refusing to love again, they will have won."

Stricken, Nathan felt his heart clench. Gabe softened his tone. "Sarah's death wasn't your fault, Nathan. It was extremely tragic and painful, but it was not your fault. You have to try to believe that. You can't go through life blaming yourself for something that was the fault of evil men." He stood, his hands tightening on Nathan's shoulders. "You're one of the good ones, Nathan. We need more men like you in this world. Don't like the Controni gang steal your life from you. You need to live, my friend."

Something lightened just the smallest bit in Nathan's heart. For a moment, he wondered if it was possible to break free from his guilt and pain. What if he took a chance on love again? What if he decided to risk his heart and find a great love? What if…?

More memories nudged their insidious way into his mind. He closed his eyes, his throat working. "I've failed so many women in my life, Gabe," he whispered. "I'm afraid I'll fail Elizabeth too."

Gabe studied him. "You know, last night you were talking in a drunken stupor. I heard snatches of what you told me today. But you also spoke of your father, Nathan." He was quiet for a few moments. "You said something about not protecting your mother or Colleen from him. Do you carry guilt for that too?"

Looking down, Nathan nodded, ashamed. His childhood flashed before his eyes, with all its pain and suffering. For as long as he could remember, his father had been both physically and emotionally abusive. At the tender age of five, Nathan remembered standing up to his father for the first time after he'd hit Colleen. He had received a bruised jaw and a verbal lashing for his efforts. Colleen had been punished too. It seemed every time Nathan stood up to their father to defend his mother or sister, he made things worse for them all.

"I know we all sustained abuse from my father," he said. "But there's a part of me that can't help wishing I had been able to do more to protect my mother and sister from him." Tears stung his eyes once more. "Maybe if I had been a better protector for my sister, she wouldn't have been looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe I could have taken on more of my father's wrath so they didn't have to." He sighed. "I do recognize that this guilt is illogical, but…" He paused, afraid to go on but knowing he had to. "I think it's a part of my fear of failing, Gabe." He closed his eyes. "What if I enter a relationship and become my father? What if I treat my wife terribly? What if I ignore my children – or worse, tear them down and break their spirits? What if I become abusive?" He shuddered. "I don't know if I can take that chance."

Gabe shook his head vehemently. "You are not your father, Nathan. You are the opposite of Archie Grant. You would be an amazing husband and father."

"How do you know?" Nathan asked, his deepest fear finally spoken. "The only example I've seen of marriage and fatherhood was from my own father. What if I have all the best intentions, but turn into him anyway?"

Gabe leaned forward. "I understand your fears," he said. "But I think they are unfounded. You are a good man. You are a protector. You love deeply and loyally. Any woman would be fortunate to have you by her side. I've seen you with Allie, Nathan. You're an amazing uncle. You would be even better with your own children." He caught Nathan's eye. "I'm going to tell you the same thing I said about the Controni gang – don't let your father's mistakes and abuse ruin your own future. You are not your father and you never will be your father. Don't let him win by running from the love that's right in front of you."

"Right in front of me?" Nathan asked bleakly. Gabe's words somehow made him feel better and worse. The contradiction was one he couldn't explain. He wanted to believe his friend, but his fears and trauma ran deep. "Elizabeth is too good for me, Gabe."

Gabe looked him right in the eyes. "Why don't you let her decide that? Shouldn't she have a say in what could be her future happiness?" He smiled. "I saw the way she was looking at you, Nathan. That wasn't the concern of a friend I saw. It was something more." He raised a brow. "And I've seen that same something-more-than-friendship in your eyes too when you look at her. You're both fighting it because of Jack and because of other outside circumstances." Nathan gave him a look, and Gabe smiled gently. "Your fears are legitimate, Nathan. I don't want to downplay them in any way. I do think you need to do some healing before you enter into a relationship. There are things you need to straighten out within yourself, lies you need to dispel and truths you need to find." He reached out, placing a hand on Nathan's arm. "But I think you and Elizabeth could have something special. Don't throw it away because you're afraid."

Nathan absorbed Gabe's words. Hope vied with fear inside. He rubbed a hand across his face, breathing in deeply before exhaling heavily. "I want to believe you," he said. "I really do. I just don't know if I'm strong enough."

Gabe clasped his shoulder. "We all have a strength within us to do the impossible," he said quietly. "You just have to have the courage to take that leap of faith. Can you at least try, Nathan?" He smiled. "I'd be happy to help you however I can."

Nathan felt a responding smile tug at his lips. "I know you would," he said, pulling Gabe into a hug. "You are a good friend, Gabe. Thank you for everything." He nodded. "I don't know what good it will do, but yes – I will try to take that leap of faith and be courageous." He shook his head. "Though I don't mind telling you I'm scared stiff to let go of my defenses."

Gabe chuckled. "It wouldn't be courageous if you weren't scared," he said. He stood, motioning for Nathan to do the same. "Now, I imagine you have a sister waiting at home who wants to make sure you're alright."

Nathan stood slowly, glad that his head only protested slightly. He felt lighter. The fear was still present, but talking through all his fears and emotions and guilt had served to lessen their hold on him. He smiled. "Why do I feel like I've just been through confession?" he asked, following Gabe out of the cell.

Gabe laughed. "I'm hardly a priest, but I'm pretty sure confession would require you actually having done something wrong," he said, looking at Nathan pointedly. "There's nothing you told me that would qualify for that."

Nathan started to protest, but Gabe cut him off with a look. Nathan snapped his mouth shut, biting back the argument. "You're right," he said, holding up his hands. "I'll try to let go of the guilt and fear."

"Excellent," Gabe said. "That's going to be easier said than done, but I think you'll get there." He grinned. "I don't mind reminding you every single day if that's what it takes."

Nathan laughed, his first genuine laugh in days. "That just might be what it takes."