8

Chapter 61 Couple From Hell

"

Thom was trying to focus on using his Five Minute Marriage Fix principles to help the newlyweds. He didn't want to think about being stuck in that tiny metal box that seemed to be getting smaller by the second. He wondered how much air was in an elevator. He sucked in a great lungful of air wishing there was some way he could save it for later if air got scarce.

"I use my own unique techniques to fix a marriage in record time," Thom said puffing out his chest with self-importance. "Let's start with you Jax. What is the one thing you want from Ava the most?"

Jax looked at Ava while he gave that question some thought.

"I want her to obey me," Jax said his eyes on Ava's face. "That's it."

"Like that will ever happen," Ava said mockingly. "I'm not one of your brain dead little groupies. No one tells me what to do."

"And that's why we have marital problems," Jax said his lips twisted in a smirk.

Thom sighed inwardly. This wasn't anything close to something he covered in his book. He smelled a sequel. All he had to do was fix their marriage. They were newlyweds. How bad could their problems be?

Unfortunately, Thom's confidence in himself wasn't rooted in reality. It was rooted in the glowing words of his publisher's marketing department. They called his book "wildly innovative" and "the cure you didn't know your marriage needed."

In reality, Thom wasn't much more than a con artist whose best skill was in selling himself. He worked his way through college selling his services as a feng shui expert. It paid better than his previous job selling time shares and he loved the way people fawned all over him and praised his skill. His training as a feng shui expert consisted of his skimming a book on the subject.

After college, he set up his marriage counseling practice. He quickly discovered he didn't enjoy listening to bickering couples all day. Worse, it wasn't a way to make a lot of money. That was when he came up with the idea to write a book. He could do a book a year and make boatloads of money and not have to work too hard to do it. If he could just put a patch on Jax and Ava's marriage, he could have them do an infomercial with him and he could make millions.

"Ava what do you want from Jax?"

"I'd like him to quit breathing," Ava said quickly. She didn't even have to give it any thought. It was a no brainer.

"For how long?" Thom asked puzzled.

"Permanently," Jax answered for Ava.

"I'll tell you what, you quit breathing and then I'll obey you," Ava said.

"Come on, you two," Thom held up a placating hand, "we can do better than this. How about we try this? Ava tell me something you like about Jax."

Ava jumped up and down in the elevator.

"Do you think there's a brake that keeps the elevator from making us plummet to our deaths?" Ava asked as she jumped up and down again.

"What are you doing," Thom asked angrily, "trying to kill us?"

"I don't care if I die. Since I've been married, I've discovered I have a death wish," Ava said jumping up and down again.

Jax's attention was momentarily diverted by Ava's bouncing breasts. There was just something that he found so intriguing about breasts and how they moved in a woman's clothes. Finally Jax came out of his breast induced trance.

"Ava, knock it off. You're scaring the man," Jax scolded her.

"I've been scaring men since puberty," Ava replied. She jumped one more time so Jax wouldn't think she was doing as he ordered. The jumping part of the fun was over anyway.

"Tell me something you like about Ava," Thom asked Jax. He was more determined than ever to fix this marriage and get them to do an infomercial with him.

"She doesn't snore when she sleeps," Jax said after considerable thought.

"Come on, Ava, there has got to be something you like about Jax."

"I liked him a lot better when he was in prison," Ava said tartly. "I wish he'd go back."

"Come on, there has got to be something," Thom coaxed.

"He knows how to ride a motorcycle," Ava said grudgingly.

"See that's a start," Thom said brightly in a voice crammed with fake encouragement. "Now Jax tell me something else you like about Ava."

"I'd be willing to give her points for being beautiful, but she's so cold a man risks frostbite during sex."

"A dog taught him how to kiss," Ava said indignantly, "and I'm not even kidding. It's disgusting. All dog licks. Just the idea of kissing him makes me want to gag or vomit."

"I don't really kiss like a dog," Jax admitted. "I just did it to piss you off because that's another thing I enjoy about Ava. It's so damned much fun making her mad."

"You're lying. You're just embarrassed that I told him you kiss like a dog," Ava said.

"Fine. I'll kiss you right now and I'll show you I don't really kiss like a dog," Jax said taking a step towards Ava.

Thom moved between Jax and Ava afraid they would start trading blows if they got too close together. He might get hit.

"No way are you kissing me. You need to get your doggy shots. Hey," Ava said turning to Thom, "can you get rabies from a kiss?"

"Uh, I don't know," Thom replied.

"Not funny," Jax said with tightly controlled anger. He had had just about enough of Ava telling everyone he kissed like a dog. So what if his first tongue kiss was with a dog, he was sure a lot of little boys had the same experience. It sure as hell didn't mean that he kissed like a dog.

"You know, I think the air is getting thin in here and the walls feel like they are getting closer," Ava said, her eyes on Thom, "Do you think it would make the air worse if I practiced some of my hula dancing in here?"

"I don't think that's smart. You could use up more air," Thom said quickly.

"I'd like to watch you hula dance," Jax said. Ava had looked sexy when he watched her at her hula dancing lesson.

Ava began to move her arms and hips gracefully.

"I think the elevator's getting smaller," Ava said as she danced.

"Stop dancing," Thom demanded.

"Don't you tell my wife what to do," Jax said in a low threatening voice. This had nothing to do with Ava. No proper MC outlaw would let some man order his old lady around especially a pussy like this guy. "I'm the only one that tells her what to do."

"And then I laugh in his face and not do it," Ava said turning in a circle as she danced. "I think the air is definitely getting thinner. We'll probably die in here."

Thom was bent over gasping for air. He was going to end up in a full blown panic attack if he couldn't focus and calm down.

"Ava, you aren't helping the situation," Jax said.

"Oh, please, here's this guy who pretends he knows how to fix marriages and he can't even fix himself. Being claustrophobic is irrational. There's plenty of oxygen and we're going to get out. Why would I listen to someone tell me how to live my life when he can't even handle being stuck in an elevator."

"Well done," Jax said to Ava. "My old lady may be difficult, but she's right. You ought to fix yourself before you try to fix other people."

"Are you even married?" Ava demanded.

"Doesn't matter," Jax said. "Being married doesn't mean you're happy. Look at us. We're married, but not happy."

"Most people who are married aren't happy. They are just too lazy to get divorced," Ava said.

"Now, that's not true. I can help you fix your marriage. Let's try some role playing. Jax pretend to be Ava and Ava will pretend to be you," Thom said. He was hunched over and staring at the floor. He was desperately trying to focus on something other than being stuck in a metal box with the couple from hell. He was a great therapist. He sensed he was close to a breakthrough with them.

"I'm Jax and I'm hot as hell," Ava said. "Women fall at my feet due to all my blonde handsomeness and facial hair. I'm also muscley and love to show off all my muscles."

"I'm Ava," Jax said. "I've never worked a day in my life. I'm a spoiled rich brat who doesn't like real men—only gay men because I know that I can't handle a real man."

Jax's words stung Ava because she suspected they were close to the truth. Maybe she liked Hallmark men because they were sexually neutered. There was no way a Hallmark hero was going to do more than chastely kiss the heroine. Even when she thought she was in love, she never felt the soul searing passion the romance novels she read described.

"You dog kissing bastard," Ava hissed.

"Ava don't call Jax names."

"Shut the fuck up," Jax said. "I told you not to tell her what to do."

"Yeah, fake marriage counselor asshole," Ava said. "Did I ever tell you I know how to Irish dance?" Ava said to Jax.

Ava began doing Irish dancing.

"It isn't the same without the tap shoes, but you still get the effect," she said dancing.

Thom slumped to the floor. The dancing was too much. The walls were closing in and the elevator seemed more like a coffin. He began gasping for breath.

"Ava, be kind. Quit dancing. You're making the guy have a panic attack."

"Sure thing, baby," Ava said in a deceptively sweet voice. "You know I've heard of people dying in elevators. Not sure what killed them. There was a power outage in Chicago in the summer and this woman got stuck in an elevator for a couple of days. They found her dead."

Thom moaned. He was no longer thinking of Jax and Ava starring in an infomercial with him. He just wanted to get the hell off that elevator alive and away from them..

"Maybe we'll have to climb up or down to the next level to get out," Jax said.

"In that narrow little elevator shaft?" Ava asked. "We could fall to our deaths. Aren't there rats in elevator shafts?"

The elevator lurched, the phone rang and Thom screamed. Ava answered the phone.

"All fixed. We should be on the ground floor soon," Ava said after hanging up the phone.

"That was fun," Jax said.

The elevator reached the lobby, the doors opened.

"Hold the door," Thom gasped. He crawled out of the elevator, not trusting his legs to hold him up. He was afraid he'd faint.

"If you can't fix yourself, you have no right to try to fix others," Ava said as she walked past him.

Jax grinned. Sometimes Ava's bitchy nature was fun. This had been one of those times.

"Jax Teller?" a man with a manager's name tag rushed up to them, stepping around Thom.

"Yes."

"Follow me. We have a golf cart ready to whisk you to the Kona Club. The evening is comped. Just to say sorry for you and your lovely wife getting trapped in the elevator. They are holding the show just for you."

"Thanks," Jax said.

Sometimes fame had its uses and this was one of those times. Jax knew the special treatment wouldn't last long so he decided to enjoy it.

For her part, Ava was happy that she and Jax had put the expert in his place. Best of all, she'd come up with a plan to get revenge on that dog kissing bastard of a husband and eliminate something that annoyed the hell out of her—his facial hair.

"

Is Ava going to finally go too far?