"He's stable," he said, "for now. Mom's with him. They're gonna do a CT in a little bit, we'll know more then."
She sat down in the empty space beside Rex on the couch. "I knew he was in bad shape," she said, "especially after what happened in the church and his suspension… but I didn't think-"
"No one did," Michael said with a sideways glace at Natalie to see if she was going to voice her suspicions. She didn't.
"I was worried something like this would happen," Evangeline continued, "I tried to help but he just wouldn't let me in. I just kept hoping someone would get through to him." Maybe it was paranoia brought on by their strained relationship but Natalie thought she caught Evangeline giving her a significant look and wondered if she was blaming her. Anger surged inside her for a moment until she remembered she'd blamed herself at first too. She could hardly blame someone for thoughts she'd had herself.
They sat in tense silence for a moment until Rex jumped up suddenly and took Natalie by the hand saying, "Hey, why don't we go down to the cafeteria and get a cup of coffee?"
"No thanks," she said pulling her hand back, "I'm good."
"Well come keep me out of trouble," he urged.
Natalie looked at him and then at the uneasy expression Michael was still wearing and then at Evangeline who seemed to realize what was going on at the same moment she did. "Rex," Natalie sighed, "if you're worried there's a cat fight about to break out, don't be."
"What?" Rex asked with poorly feigned innocence.
"Seriously Rex," she said, "I don't have the energy for it anyway and I think Evangeline and I probably have our minds on other things."
"I would concur with that assessment," Evangeline nodded.
Rex looked uncertainly at the two women. "Okay," he said sitting back down between them.
Natalie quietly tried to work through her suspicions, not feeling comfortable voicing them aloud in front of Evangeline. It wasn't because of her particular problems with Evangeline she just thought if something was going on it was better to have as few people involved as possible. Rummaging in her coat pocket she found a pen and an old gas receipt which she started scribbling notes on. She made a list of the aspects of the case which didn't make sense and then another of information she needed to gather. Peering over her shoulder Rex said in her ear in a voice that was not quite a whisper, "You should talk to Bo about this."
"I will," she said still writing.
"Talk to Bo about what?" Evangeline asked, "Is it something about John?"
"It's a family thing," Natalie mumbled.
"You should talk to him soon," he said, "he can tell you the rest of the story and you can tell him what you're thinking before… you know in case they need to look for something."
"Maybe you're right," Natalie said, "Do you know where he is?"
Rex pointed down the hallway, "He went that way last I saw."
She stood up and Rex followed her down the hall a little ways before they found Bo talking closely to Paige in a low voice. They separated seeing Rex and Natalie approach.
"Any word on John?" Bo asked.
"His mom's in with him," Natalie said, "they haven't said much."
"I know you're tired of hearing this," Paige said, "but it really is too soon to know."
"Um… Dr. Miller," Rex said, "I need to talk to you about something."
Paige seemed to understand what he was talking about even if Natalie didn't. She nodded. "Let's step into my office."
As she led Rex away Natalie toyed anxiously with her necklace, unsure of how to broach the subject of her suspicions with Bo. "Did you need something?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said, "I um… it's just… doesn't something about this whole thing with John seem off?"
"A lot of things seem off, Natalie," he said furrowing his brow, "what exactly are you talking about?"
"Isn't it possible someone set this up?" she asked, "Made it look like John tried to kill himself but-"
"It's possible," Bo nodded before she could say more, "and we'll look into that possibility, I promise you. But right now it doesn't look that way."
Something about the way he said this gave Natalie the impression he knew something she didn't. "What do you mean?" she asked feeling her heart start to race again.
He hesitated; she knew he was probably debating whether to tell her this or not, either because it was part of an investigation or because he was worried about her reaction or both. Finally he said, "We found a letter in his office."
"A suicide note?" she asked, trying to stay calm, not wanting to believe.
"Not exactly," he said, "it was a letter addressed to his successor."
"Well are you sure he wrote it?" she asked, "I mean anybody could have gotten in there and-"
"We're having it analyzed," he assured her, "but at this point I think it's genuine. It sounds like him. Plus it was definitely written by someone who knew the inner workings of the department pretty well."
She tried to process this information but it didn't shake her suspicions in the slightest. "So he wrote a letter to his successor, that's not the same as a suicide note. I mean, Uncle Bo, he was suspended. He had every reason to think he wasn't getting his job back maybe he just-"
"Natalie," Bo said sounding gentle but firm, "the tone of the letter… it doesn't sound like a man who's worried about being fired."
"Can I see it?" she asked.
"No," he said quickly.
"But-" she started to protest.
He put a hand on both of her shoulders, "Natalie, I care about John too, and I don't want to believe this. I promise you we're going to look into this thoroughly, but you can't just ignore evidence because it tells you something you don't want to hear. And you have to let the police do our jobs, okay?"
"I know," she said, "I just-"
"I'll keep you posted, okay?" he promised as he released her shoulders, "I'm gonna head down to the station now. Let me know when he wakes up."
"I will," Natalie nodded trying not to let her eyes fill with tears again. The letter proved nothing, she told herself. Of course, if she could read it she would have an easier time figuring out what it did mean.
As she was pondering how she could make that happen she heard a man's voice behind her say, "Ms. Buchanan?" She whirled around to see Dr. Crosby approaching her, a look of concern on his face.
"Dr. Crosby?" she asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I just heard about Lieutenant McBain," he said, "how is he?"
"Too soon to tell," she said trying to sound collected, putting her hands on her hips.
He sighed. "I kept thinking we were close to a breakthrough," he said. "I hoped that this suspension would be the wake up call he needed but I guess it just pushed him in the other direction."
"Looks that way," Natalie said coldly. She was becoming increasingly impatient with everyone discussing John's problems as though they were entirely self-inflicted and the attitude that his current condition was somehow inevitable.
"I know you were close to him, how are you dealing with this?" he asked.
She blinked at him. "I'm grateful for your concern Dr. Crosby, but I'm not one of your patients."
"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to sound-"
"Look," she said holding up her hand, "I really do believe that you wanted to help John. And probably you still do. If for no other reason than because you violated some ethical standards for your profession and could be at risk for a lawsuit."
"Excuse me?" he asked sounding genuinely surprised.
"Luring me to your office under false pretenses so you could pump me for information on another patient," she said her eyes flashing with anger, "I come from a family full of crazy people Dr. Crosby, I know better than to believe that's an acceptable practice."
Her anger softened quite a bit seeing the look of remorse that came over his face. "Natalie, I-"
"I know," she said, "I know you were trying to help him and thank you for that, but I really don't think you should be here right now."
"Okay," he said softly, "please call me if-"
"I will," she said setting her jaw firmly and watching him slink down the hallway.
"I bet that felt good," a voice she recognized as Michael's said behind her. As she turned to face him he added, "I wish I had someone to chew out right now."
"Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to cause a scene."
He shrugged, "You didn't make much of one. Besides you managed to sit on the same couch with Evangeline and be civil, so I guess you're entitled to blow up about something else."
"Any change?" she asked tucking her hair behind her ears.
"Actually, yeah," he said, "they said he can have visitors. You know, other than family. We thought you should be the first one."
"Thank you," she said softly as she started to move towards John's room.
Michael stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Before you go in you need to prepare yourself."
"For what?" she asked anxiously.
"My brother's not his usual good looking self," he said with a hint of forced smile. "There's a lot of bandages and some of them are pretty bloody, but it's not as bad as they look, okay?"
"Okay," she nodded.
"And there's a lot of machines and a lot of wires and… it's not easy seeing someone you love that way," he continued.
Natalie bit her lower lip. "I do love him," she said with a slight crack to her voice, "I've been going around talking about how much I hate him and-"
"Okay first of all Natalie," he said, "I don't think you've been fooling anyone. And second of all, it is possible to hate someone and still love them. Particularly if they've done something like what Johnny did."
"But it all seems so trivial now," she said. "Thinking I could lose him for real-"
"You're not going to," Michael assured her, "and hey, if anyone can give him something to live for it's you."
"Thank you," she said again dabbing the corners of her eyes.
He must be dreaming. That was the only explanation. Because Natalie was here and she didn't hate him. Natalie was here and she actually wanted to talk to him. There was no way that could be possible.
But he couldn't help losing himself in the dream a little bit. Natalie was here and she still cared. There was something he had to tell her. Something important but he just couldn't convince his mouth to move.
Natalie was grateful for Michael's warning, even if nothing was quite adequate to prepare her for seeing John this way. Most of the hair had been shaved from the right side of his head to give the doctors greater visibility and reduce the risk of infection and his head was wrapped in heavy gauze which was stained on the right with purplish-red. He looked pale—almost grey. Wires and I.V.'s ran from his body to monitors and bags of liquid.
As horrific as it was to see him like this though, part of her heart leapt at her first visual confirmation that he was alive.
She sat down uneasily beside him, lightly toying with the hand closest to her, afraid to grasp it completely. "Hey there," she said tenderly before saying in a more emphatic voice, "however you got yourself into this mess you are lucky you're in this hospital bed 'cause I could kick your ass for scaring us all like this. But the game's over now so it's time to come back to us."
She thought for a moment that his fingers squeezed hers back, but told herself it was probably an involuntary muscle spasm. Nothing to get too excited about. "John," she continued, "when I was in that pit you kept me going. And when they brought me in here you were the one that called me out of the darkness. So if any of our connection is still there—and I think it still is, I'd like to return the favor. I'd really appreciate it if you came back to us right now. Come back to me. Because I still love you, John. I love you so much…"
Maybe it was her imagination, maybe she was just seeing what she wanted to see, but she swore she saw his lips move. Maybe that was just a muscle spasm too. But only if muscle spasms worked on vocal chords because the next time his lips moved there was a sound. "Me too," she could have sworn he murmured his eyes still shut.
"John?" she asked squeezing his hand, "John, are you awake? Did you just-"
But the next moment there was another sound—a high pitched whine in her left ear from one of the monitors and John's body went rigid for a second before he began convulsing. "John?" she called again with growing urgency as hospital staff rushed into the room and started shouting commands at each other that she couldn't understand. "John!" she screamed as someone pushed her backwards out of the room. She thought she said his name at least once more as someone caught her from behind and prevented her from rushing back into the room as she watched the doctors working frantically on John.
To be continued.