Episode 10
~My First Date Was Not As I Expected~
A long time ago in a fucking anime world far, far away…
…
OREGAIRU WARS
…
Episode V
HARUNO STRIKES BACK
It is a dark time for the one known as Hikigaya Hachiman.
Abandoned by the cutest little sister in the world and betrayed by his cold-hearted bitch of a squadmate from the Service (club).
Captured, a former soldier now finds himself in the grasp of Yukinoshita Haruno.
Scary! It's super scary you knooooow~…
I watched the crawl of gold text scroll by with dead lifeless eyes as the John Williams score faded. Wondering not for the first time, just how many copyright strikes it would take before this fucking anime world ended.
Not far away from the shopping mall, Haruno and I were sitting across from each other inside of a certain coffee chain that all the normies and hipsters loved. Their base coffee was fucking terrible. So I was drinking an iced tea that I regretted buying while trying to ignore the uncomfortable amount of attention we were getting right now…
Seriously, what the hell Haruhi?
She's not a movie star and I'm not her shady manager damn it…
Annoying.
Haruno finished taking a sip from 'mocha choca latte ya ya~'.
'Creole Lady Marmalade~'
'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi~, ce soir~? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi~?'
My soulful reprieve with distraction-chan was interrupted as Haruno began to speak.
"So Hikigaya-kun~, tell me~, what is your relationship with Yukino-chan~?"
"We're just clubmates."
"Just clubmates hmm~. Ne~, did you join Yukino-chan's club so you could get close to her~? My~! What would Shizuka-chan say about you chasing a high school girl~?!"
I looked into those pretty, angular, calculating, violet eyes of hers, and snorted.
"Don't even try to joke about setting me up with your sister Haruno-san, you should know just by the fact that Shizuka is my fiancé, that I'm into 'older women'. And Shizuka was the only reason I joined that stupid club in the first place."
"Oh really~…?" Tell your onee-san more~. Are what those pretty eyes of hers said. I let out a sigh.
"Allegedly, I wrote a cringey essay about how youth was a lie, that pushed all of Shizuka's buttons, so as a punishment, she forced me into the Service…club."
"Piff-… Yeah~, I can totally see Shizuka-chan doing something like that~."
"Hey, Are YOU going to tell your sister that the name she picked for her club is…, inappropriate? I think Shizuka is too embarrassed to because of how she approved of it without really thinking. I'd tell her myself, only I'm afraid that she would stab me…"
She giggles at that.
"Yukino-chan would never do that~. After all~, she abhors violence~."
"The first time I met her, she threatened me with violence you knooooow~."
Ignoring my factual statement completely, she continued.
"That being the case~, please don't inform Yukino-chan of her hilariously poor choice in club names~. I would very much like to see the look on our mother's face when she catches on to this~."
I roll my eyes as she falls into another fit of giggles. After a moment of pure mirth, Haruno looked at me with slightly narrowing eyes.
"Does Yukino know?"
"Yukipedia knows a lot of things Haruno-san…, you'll have to be more specific."
"There's no need to play dense with your onee-san~, mister former soldier who was struck by a truck and now goes to high school-kun~."
"Tch."
"Well if it's about that, I'd say she had me completely figured out by the third day of my meeting with her at the very least… You really should have heard what she said to me when I first let my persona slip."
"Piff~, I think I can imagine~, but what did she end up saying to you Hikigaya-kun~?"
I gave her a small sardonic grin.
"She said 'So, THIS is who really you are… I didn't want to believe it, but seeing you like this… It's like I can almost smell the blood on you Hikisoldier-kun. Just the thought of all lives lost because of you is sickening… I can't help but hate what you truly are.' Your sister said that right to face…, can you believe it Haruno-san?"
"Piff-Ha-Ha-Ha~! Hikisoldier-kun~! Oh wow~, it's even worse than I imagined~! I apologize on her behalf~, so please try not to hold that against her~. Yukino-chan hates war and violence more than anything~, but still, I can't believe she would say that to a veteran~. I should probably have a little talk with her about that… By the way~, why were you out with Yukino-chan today~? You sure it wasn't a date Hikisoldier-kun~."
I shoot her a glare that doesn't phase her at all and made a sigh.
"I was just helping her shop for a friend's birthday present, that's all."
"Hmm~, so Yukino-chan has a friend who she's willing to go out with someone she despises to help her pick a present for~… Interesting…"
Haruno pauses to take a drink of her latte.
"Well enough about Yukino-chan~, now tell me Hikigaya-kun~, does Shizuka-chan also know about her fiancé's more~…, interesting aspects~?"
Fake though it was, that coquettish smile with her raised eyebrow nearly made my heart skip a beat and my ahoge stand on end.
Holy shit, this onee-san was as dangerous as she was gorgeous Haruhi!
Averting my gaze from those very pretty violet eyes of hers was a mistake as I ended up catching sight of her amazing cleavage that she was displaying out in the open for just a brief second…
For me, it was a very long second thanks to Thought Acceleration auto-activating.
N-no I swear it totally activated on its own Kyon!
Achievement unlocked: You Lying Pervert
Oi!
Grabbing my iced tea and taking a sip, I said, "N-no…, At least I certainly hope not. It's bad enough that she already thinks I'm some kind of military otaku; I'd rather not have to burden her with some of the more unique aspects of my past. Honestly the fact that Shizuka is even my fiancé is already absurd enough as it is. I mean she's my homeroom teacher after all, so I really don't want things to be even more complicated between us than they already are… probably."
"Hmm~, I think that should really tell Shizuka-chan about yourself~. Secrets like that aren't good y'know~. Piff~, especially since you're not really good at keeping those secrets in the first place Hikigaya-kun~."
She was right of course, but I couldn't help feeling that she said that more because of the entertainment value it would bring her, than anything else.
"Well that's future Hachiman's problem, and while we're on the subject of Shizuka I would really appreciate it if you could keep quiet about certain facts you may have picked up about my life with regards to her. In fact, for all intents and purposes as far as Shizuka is concerned, I'd like for you to treat this as our first meeting Haruno-san."
"Ara~, I don't know if I'd really feel comfortable keeping something so important like that from Shizuka-chan though~…"
I pulled out smart-kun, and pulling up a picture I had just recently taken, I sent it to her.
Haruno's phone buzzed and she took it out, with a curious look.
"Oh~, what's this Hikigaya-kun~?"
As she looked at the quite adorable picture of the Corporal handling the Destiny plushie, her eyes started to widen. There was definitely shine to those pretty violet eyes that was totally genuine. Well, she was a complete siscon after all.
That pure expression of hers that I must admit I found disturbingly mesmerizing, was gone in an instant as she dons her glass mask back on before I could even sneak a photo of it.
Scary.
"Why did you send me this picture of Yukino-chan?"
Her voice was a bit flat and her eyes narrowed with suspicion.
Scary!
I flashed Haruno my best business smile which I picked up from the Demon Lord. It was slight, but I noticed she flinch a little from that.
"Of course, I wouldn't ask you for this kind of favor without offering something in return Haruno-san…"
I held up my smartphone in front of her and hit play.
["Meow~"]
["Meow. Meow."]
["Meow~"]
["Meow."]
[""Meeoow~.""]
Haruno was completely transfixed as she watched my phone's screen.
["Meow~"]
["Meow. Meow."]
["Meow~"]
["Meow."]
[""Meeoow~.""]
"Well…, I did take this video without the subject's consent. So maybe I should just delete it…"
I made a show of going to the delete option. Glaring at me, Haruno bit her lip.
Ah, her mask slipped again…
Delete that video and this onee-san will kill you. Are what her eyes say.
Scary! She's too scary Haruhi!
"W-wait, don't be hasty Hikigaya-kun, what exactly do you want?"
Did she just stutter? That must have been my imagination right? Such an adorable thing could never have happened…
"It's quite simple; just that you keep what you know about me to yourself. And don't let Shizuka know that you know that I'm her fiancé. I don't want her to be teased about how she'll possibly marry one of her current students after all. So if you can do that and reframe from meddling too much in my relationship with Shizuka, not only will I send you this video, but I will also forward videos and pictures of this nature to you, should such opportunities arise… Would this be acceptable to you Haruno-san?"
I played the video again.
["Meow~"]
["Meow. Meow."]
["Meow~"]
["Meow."]
[""Meeoow~.""]
Resting her index finger on her chin and tilting her head in an, I'm thinking gesture, soon enough Haruno smiled and nodded.
"I see no problem with that arrangement~… However~, I insist that you tell your onee-san about how you even managed to become Shizuka-chan's fiancé in the first place, Hikigaya-kun~."
Letting out a deep sigh I said, "Fine…"
So after sending the video to Haruno's smartphone and finishing my iced tea, I went into the circumstances that lead to my proposal to Shizuka.
…
"AH-HA-HA-HA-HA~! 'We could always get married~!' Piff-Ha-Ha-Ha~! I can't believe THAT was how you proposed to her~!"
Haruno collapses onto the table in a full fit of laughter.
"Shoot~, it's too much~! My sides~! Ah-ha-ha-ha~!"
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up Haruno-san. And by the way, I DID tell Shizuka that I would be happy to marry her you knooooow~."
Haruno sits up and looks at me, while still trying to contain herself.
"PIFF-…~ Yeah~, I'm sure Shizuka-chan would really hate to let you escape Hikigaya-kun~! Piff-Ha-Ha-Ha~!"
Why didn't you stop me from telling her everything Kyon? Do hate me or something? What do you mean you're on a union break?!
"Oi! Do you need to laugh so much? Now you're just making a scene damn it."
"Sorry~, Piff~! But it's just too funny~…"
At that moment Haruno's smartphone buzzed again. Picking it up from the table, she checked the message that was sent to her while showing a little frown on her face.
There was a flash of amusement before a knifey smile was directed right at me.
Well, isn't this fucking terrifying Kyon? Kyon? Shit, he must still be on break.
I didn't need the Force (which at that moment was screaming me to just bail), to know that I wasn't going like whatever Haruno said next…
"Say~, How about we go on a date Hikigaya-kun~?"
I immediately stood up knocking my chair over and did an about-face. Without looking back I marched right off the set.
In the dimly lit studio, I nearly bumped into a very distinguished older gentleman who looked a hell of a lot like Morgan Freeman. He seemed somewhat lost and confused for some reason.
An overweight tabby cat waddles past me.
"The time hath come!" The cat said…
I ignored it.
I saw Kyon still wearing his gray Jedi robes under his North High jacket. He was leaning against a wall drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup.
A very nervous-looking staffer tried to bring me one as well, but I waved him off.
My focus was on the person sitting with his legs crossed in the director's chair. Glowing red eyes showed from behind his glasses, as he held out a lit cigarette in a languid fashion. The smile on his face was sadistic.
But what was truly unforgivable was the fact that he was cross-dressed as Haruhi Suzumiya!
That fucking HERETIC was even wearing a wig damn it!
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
I rush forward and violently tackled that bastard right out of the director's chair, which sends his glasses, cigarette, and wig flying.
Grabbing that fucker by the neck I begin to throttle him while he was on the ground.
"DIE A HUNDRED TIMES!"
"Yeah, I'm staying out that…" Kyon said still sipping his coffee.
"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
I kept squeezing his neck as I slammed his head on the floor again and again and again.
"Hikigaya-kun~…"
It pissed me off that that sadistic smile was still on that fucker's face.
"FUCKING DIE FOR WHAT YOU JUST DID TO ME YOU SON OF BITCH!"
With both hands I squeezed, squeezed, and squeezed…
…
"Hello~…, Earth to Hikigaya-kun~…"
I sat there, staring off into space as distraction-chan continued to try and comfort me.
Thanks, distraction-chan I really appreciate the gesture.
Haruno reached forward and snapped her fingers in front of my face.
Once.
Twice.
Three times, which finally got my attention.
"Um, sorry about that, I spaced out for a moment because I thought I just heard something utterly ridiculous. Now, what were we talking about again?"
Haruno grins before she answers in that childish singsong that she's been using.
"That's alright~. Sooo~, as I was saying~, I would like for you to go out on a date with me~…"
I blink in confusion before a cold shiver runs down my spine.
"Hold on a moment Haruno-san, I think I still miss heard you because it sounded like you just asked me out on a date right after we were just talking about my fiancé…"
"Yes you heard me right~, I did just ask you out on a date Hikigaya-kun~!"
"You can't be serious, look I don't know what game you think you're playing here, but Shizuka really IS my fiancé. I already gave her a ring and everything so I can't-…"
"Oh~, did you really~?! You'll have to tell me all about that later~! However~, with regards to your relationship with Shizuka-chan~, well this is this and that is that~."
Haruno gave me a wink and smile that was fake as hell. Despite how cute and childish it was, I only returned to her a very cold glare.
"Piff~! I was just kidding~! There's no need for you to glare at me like that~. I would never try to steal someone away Shizuka-chan y'know~. Though it wouldn't real date~, I still would like you to accompany me this evening~. YOU do owe me a favor for letting you use my couch after all~. Then there's also the fact about how you tried to deceive your onee-san about you being a high school student Hikigaya-kun~."
"We both know that's bullshit. You knew I was in high school the whole time. The only thing I'm not certain about was how you knew. Did I end up giving you that information that night as well Haruno-san?"
It was kind of bugging me if I let that slip out as well.
She gave me a calculating look.
"Oh, so you really don't remember? Or is it that you can't remember? In any case, I was the one who drove you to the hospital Hikigaya-kun…"
So that's what happened huh. I could totally just see this damn siscon stalking the Corporal on the first day of high school. I really shouldn't have asked, as this just added another debt onto my tab…
"I guess I should thank you for that…" I said sighing.
"Ne~, can you go out with your onee-san Hikigaya-kun~?"
I just know I'm going to regret this…, not that I felt I had much of a choice in the matter. It was Haruno after all. I could only hope that I would have little fun whatever game this young lady wanted to play and that she wouldn't fuck with me too much…
"Fine…, I'll escort you on this date Haruno-san."
Over the next few hours, I went shopping with Haruno while more or less acting as her porter. She spent most of the time amusing herself by changing into and buying several outfits as she forced me to comment on them.
While she was changing I kept myself entertained with smart-kun by tolling Glow-chan, an anon on 4-chan who keeps replying to my posts for some reason. Probably just another government shill or someone who was bored working in Intelligence.
At around half past two I had Haruno treat me to a meal at a nice yakiniku restaurant. Whatever black tie event I assumed she was going to drag me to will not have much in the way of food.
Riding in her car on the way to the restaurant I heard Yukitoki for the first time on the radio. It was just released yesterday and was only slightly different than the original. Right now it was currently number eight on the charts and would likely shoot up. Although that Thing was fucking annoying in the extreme if nothing else Mio-chan or more likely her manager was at least a professional when it came to her Idol career. Unlike someone else I knew…
Damn it, Yamada!
As we ate our early dinner Haruno grilled me about the ring I gave Shizuka along with the details of how I gave it to her. This young lady sure loves to laugh, not that I find it unpleasant. I wonder if I could get Shizuka to laugh like this, I'll need to work on that.
Right now I'm making use of the patio at Haruno's apartment to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.
I'm a little annoyed that the mug I'm drinking from has way too many floating hearts on it, though the coffee she made was perfect. It almost made up for all the innuendos Haruno teased me with when she invited me into her apartment so that she could change.
I reluctantly bid nicotine-chan a fond farewell as I put out my finished cigarette in my portable ashtray. Finishing the rest of my coffee I make my way back inside to the kitchen so I can set the offending mug into the sink.
I heard the door of Haruno's bedroom open and looked up to see her stroll into the living room.
And holy fucking shit Haruhi was she gorgeous!
Haruno was wearing an elegant dark violet cocktail dress that matched her eyes and accented her bare shoulders, and bodyline while showing off her legs. She had diamond earrings on and her black stiletto high heels made our heights match.
Yeah, she's not wearing a bra at all is she Kyon…
Escorting this stunningly beautiful young lady to whatever event she's been coyly keeping from me, may not be the best idea…
She looks so radiant and youthful that I can't help but feel the near decade in our age gap.
No shit, I really do feel like a dirty old man Kyon! I hate that I can't take my eyes off her…
"So how does your onee-san look Hikigaya-kun~?"
"T-that dress, *cough* it looks good on you… Y-you're quite stunning, in fact."
"Hmm~, why thank you~."
"Ahem, so where are we going Haruno-san?"
"Oh~, you'll find out soon enough~, though we're going to have to get you the proper attire~. Not to worry~, you can leave that up to your onee-san to take care of it for you~!"
I agreed with what she said. Time traveler that I am, I doubted that a cheap black suit from the Showa Era serve me well at whatever formal party she ended up dragging me to. Especially taking into account the dress she was wearing.
And I really didn't have a problem with her buying whatever monkey suit she wanted to throw me in, though I wasn't looking forward to it.
Exiting her apartment building I nodded to the driver as I followed Haruno into the back of the black limo car that hit me.
…
It was late in the afternoon when I noticed that we passed by the U.S. Embassy in the Minato ward of Tokyo. Seeing it gave me a really bad feeling as to where this evening could be heading.
I could see the anticipation that building in Haruno's eyes which wasn't a good sign. After turning down a side street and passing a Seven-Eleven konbini my eyes were drawn to a squat two-story building.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me…"
The sign on the building read: Exchange Uniforms & Tailoring.
"Oh~, I'm sure we'll find everything you need in there~," Haruno said with a sadistic grin.
"Oi, listen young lady you need a Military ID in order to buy anything in that store and that's something I'm currently lacking."
It's still up in the air whether I will get one in the future, with my marriage to Shizuka being the deciding factor.
"Ah~, but I was so looking forward to seeing you in uniform Hikigaya-san~!" Haruno said pouting.
Are you really going to let that stop you? Are what her eyes challenged.
Honestly, I couldn't give a damn about Haruno's little challenge, however out of all the things that death has taken from me, the loss of my uniform hurt the most. Even if I never wore the fucking thing again I still wanted it back desperately. It was a part of who I was and something I earned. I paid far too much in blood in the mountains of fuckin Afghanistan for it God damn it. And I wanted the real thing, not some fake Army surplus bullshit, but the real fucking thing, I wanted it to be… genuine.
An insane idea popped into my head. It was so contrived and idiotic that only a Hack writing fan-fiction would come up with it. It was really on a Zaimokuza level of stupid.
So Haruno wanted to go on a date with a soldier huh. Fine, I'll take her up on her challenge and play her little game.
I pull out my billfold and took out my fake Hawaiian driver's license.
What, did you meat-bags seriously think I would be stupid enough to fake a Japanese ID?
I guess it was a good thing that I didn't end up using the name McLovin on it.
The name of an (at the time) deceased Master Sergeant was who I used for my license. Thanks to the near-perfect recall of my memories because of this reincarnation or whatever the fuck that happened to me. I could clearly picture the paperwork of Master Sergeant Isamu Hikigaya in my mind. And if he's alive in this fucking anime world, right now he should still be a Staff Sergeant…
Haruno arched an eyebrow when she saw me checking my ID.
"It looks like you came up with something Hikigaya-san~."
"Yeah, I've got an idea…"
I glanced toward the driver.
"You don't need to worry about Tsuzuki, you can trust that he has discretion."
"Okay…, if we're going to do this I'm going to need cash. Say around thousand dollars U.S."
This close to the U.S. Embassy we had no trouble finding an open international bank and as Haruno was VIP with a black card it took no time at all before we were back in front of the Exchange.
Fully unsurprising myself I returned back to the Staff Sergeant I was. Squaring my shoulders I enter the Exchange with a military gait while trying my best to ignore the mischievous shining in Haruno's eyes as she followed me in.
The first I notice about this small branch of the Exchange besides the fact that it only had dress uniforms was that this store carried uniforms for Marines and Navy, not just Army and Air Force. I guess it made sense for a store so close to the Embassy.
I grabbed an ASU jacket that was in my size off the rack and walked to the man manning the counter in the back. Feeling a bit nostalgic, it was time to engage in the time-honored tradition of an NCO lying his ass off to a Quartermaster.
"Is there something I can help you with?" The man who I assume was an ex-Marine wearing the name-tag Andrew said in English while sizing me up. I replied in kind with a clipped tone of voice that came out naturally from years of habit.
"There was a fuck up Stateside and right now my luggage is somewhere over the Pacific. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, only I got roped into escorting this young lady to a diplomatic function."
Haruno gave a bright smile and waved at him.
"Ahem, well that's definitely one of the reasons why we're here, mister?"
"Staff Sergeant Hikigaya, Eleven-Bravo, Ten, One, Thirty-Two."
"Alright Staff Sergeant how many stripes and bars do you need on the jacket?"
"One stripe, nine bars."
"Damn, someone been busy…"
"Pissed off a fucker in Admin."
"Fuckin A, you look like you've seen some shit Sergeant. Afghanistan…?"
"Fuckin Afghanistan," I confirmed darkly.
"No shit…, well mind writing your name down for the nameplate? You'll find what need for the 10th Division and the 32nd upstairs along with the decorations. If you need to change here, I can ring up your items and you pay Greg at the front when you're done. The dressing room is right over there. And we're currently running a sale on our suit-bags Sergeant."
"Thanks, I'll take you up on that."
"No problem at all. Just let me get that nameplate punched out for you and I'll have the jacket ready for you in ten to fifteen minutes tops."
As Andrew took my jacket to the back, I walked over and grabbed a pair of Senior NCO trousers with gold braid, an ASU white long-sleeve shirt, tie, web belt with brass buckle, a pair of uniform Oxford shoes, a black beret and because I was not likely to come back I got an ASU service cap that was pre-assembled. Placing them on the counter I made my way up the stairs.
"Ne tell me~, what was that stripes and bars Staff Sergeant Hikigaya~?" Haruno asked as I was grabbing a Combat Infantry Badge.
"Service stripes denote three years of service in the Army and the overseas service bars represent every six months spent overseas. I was in the Army for a little over five and half years, fifty-four of those mouths were in fuckin Afghanistan Haruno-san."
"Hmm~, how interesting."
When an anime character says 'interesting,' or 'amusing' with that tone and with that grin, yeah it's time to run the fuck away. To another world, if possible. Well then again, self-preservation-kun fell out of the Blackhawk as I was earning my Air Assault Badge… Ah, there it is. Taking the Air Assault Badge I also grabbed the Expert Weapons Qualification Badge along with the bars for rifle, pistol, and grenade. Attaching the little metal rings is going to be so fucking annoying Haruhi!
"You're really not sixteen are you?"
"Oh shit~! Did telling you about my years of Army service give that away~?!"
"Piff-…~ Well there is that~, and the way you've been acting is too real for it to be fake~! So just how old are you…, Hikigaya Hachiman?"
Geh! The way she said my name like that totally creeps me out Kyon!
Scary!
"Ahem, I'm technically twenty-eight young lady."
"Are you now… Well~, I'm sure Shizuka-chan will feel so relieved when she finds that out~. Though legally speaking I'm still your onee-san y'know~."
I pick out a pair of shoulder boards along with an infantry shoulder cord and my branch insignia discs, before moving on to the ribbons section.
"Ne~…, I'm still your onee-san y'know~…"
"Yes, yes, you're still my onee-san Haruno-san."
My ribbons were as follows: NOTAMDL(Afghanistan), OSR(with numeral five), ASR, NCOPD, GWOTS-M(four bronze stars), ACM(four bronze stars), AGC, AAM(with C device) and ARCOM(with C device).
I hesitated for just a moment over the Bronze Star ribbon before ignoring it. I always hated wearing that damn thing because I didn't deserve it. The fact that the Army gave that fucking incompetent piece of shit the Silver Star for that clusterfuck still pisses me off damn it!
I did grab the Purple Heart though; the phantom pain I sometimes feel in my left eye demanded it.
After getting the ribbon mounts I needed as while as the MUC ribbon for my Regiment.
I searched a wall for the 10th Division's combat service identification badge along with its distinctive unit insignia, of which I would need three of them (two for the shoulders of the ASU jacket and one for the beret flash). Then finally I looked for the unit insignia of the 32nd Infantry Regiment.
Finding everything I needed I returned with Haruno down the stairs.
…
Before long I was standing in front of the dressing room mirror meticulously inspecting the uniform I was wearing. I double-checked that my Combat Infantry Badge wasn't crooked above my ribbons and that the spacing between my Air Assault Badge and Expert Weapons Qualification was perfect on the left flap of the pocket. Fiddling with those little metal rings was a pain in the ass.
Passing my own inspection I donned the service cap and put the black beret in my newly acquired suit-bag. After crossing paths with truck-kun, I did kind of regret never wearing it. I was never ordered to and I always thought that the service cap made me look like a tool. Well, that's exactly what I was this evening, just a toy soldier with more emphasis on the toy part, for the Haruno to play with.
Letting out a sigh I grabbed the suit-bag and exited the dressing room.
Haruno's eyes lit up when she saw me. As if the doll she ordered from Amazon had arrived early.
"That uniform really does suit you far too well…"
"Looking sharp Sergeant, Greg will take care of you at the front."
With Haruno hanging off my arm, we walked to the front counter.
"Ok Staff Sergeant, could I see your ID?" Gregory asked from behind the counter.
I made a show of looking in my wallet for it.
"Shit left it in my uniform jacket and it's over the Pacific."
"Not a problem Sergeant, I can look you up in the system I'll just need a photo ID and the last four digits of your social."
I handed my driver's license along with the four numbers he asked for.
"Aright Staff Sergeant Isamu Hikigaya your total comes to eight-hundred-and-eighty-eight dollars and eighty cents."
Feeling like I was being fucked with by this fucking anime world, I paid the man.
I wondered if I just experienced some reese'sism about how Japanese people look alike. Probably not with how Haruno was leaning on the counter acting as a distraction.
"Thank you for shopping at the Exchange Sergeant."
Achievement unlocked: Regaining Your Stolen Valor
Oh, I see what you did there achievement-chan, and you can go fuck yourself.
With my arm interlocked with hers, I escorted Haruno into the ballroom at the Intercontinental Hotel acting both as her accessory and general pest repellent. The ballroom's floor was tiled in elegant black and white marble, and illuminated by golden chandeliers. The center of the space was clear to allow mingling and dancing, while around the walls white-table-clothed tables were arranged to let people sit and eat or drink.
I didn't feel out of place wearing my uniform here as this was an evening gala hosted by the U.S. Embassy. So of course there were Marines, some Army, and Navy, and even two ass hat Officers from the Air Force, although a good majority of attendees were in civilian dress. I think I even saw Japan's Minister of Defense out of the corner of my eye surrounded by some brass from JSDF.
Haruno was really in her element as she made the rounds greeting the other guests and introducing me to some of her acquaintances.
Thank Haruhi that her parents weren't here.
Before long the Marine band opened up with the first number.
Haruno looked at me with a challenge in her eyes and smiled coquettishly.
"Shall we dance Sergeant Hikigaya~?"
You may not know this Haruno but in the Army, you're forced to attend a gala at least once a year. So if you think I'm going to disgrace myself you're going to be sadly disappointed, young lady.
"It would be my pleasure Haruno-san~."
I took her hand and lead her to the dance floor.
Gently putting my hand on the back of her waist I pulled her in close to me.
Soft, warm, real…
The heat that radiates from the smooth bare skin of her back makes me feel like I'm playing with fire…
Wait, wasn't she supposed to be an ice type like her sister Kyon?
Activating Hiki-Dancer from my hundred-and-eight skills, Haruno and I begin to dance with steps that match the music's rhythm.
Apparently, distraction-chan was not satisfied with the Marine band's efforts as a different song started playing that still matched well with the timing.
'Come break some hearts now~, tear them out~ Filing for amusements with the crowd~ Oh~, but be advised~, participation~ is required~ Doing things not typically allowed~'
'Feels like we're having a good time~ It's true~, a wonderfully good time~'
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~'
'Different defections~, cut the lines~ Leagues of social climbers all about~ Oh~, but be advised~, no restitution~ comes tonight~ 'Less we lay' unconscious in the ground~
'Feels like we're having a good time~ It's true~, a wonderfully good time~'
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~'
"You're a very good dancer Hikigaya~," Haruno whispers, her breath tickling my ear.
('Hey~')
"Well, this isn't exactly my first gala Haruno~," I whispered back.
It was however the first time I held such a beautiful young woman in my arms and danced with her though…
'But if the lights don't stop me~ No one's got control of what I do~ 'Cause it's a good time~'
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~' ('woah-oh-oh-oh~, woah-oh-oh-oh~')
'When I'm with you~'
As the song ends Haruno pressed into my shoulder like a lover as we exit the dance floor.
Then all of a sudden I felt her body tense and my ahoge tried to stand on end under my service cap.
There was a disturbance in the Force.
I sense something; a presence I've not felt since...
Haruno detached herself from me. And no I wasn't sad about it Kyon.
"Well I really enjoyed our dance~, but I'm afraid there are some important people your onee-san needs to speak to in private~. So I'll be right back~!"
Before I could say anything Haruno darted into the maze of well-dressed attendees.
Oi! Did she just run away?!
The Force was screaming for me to run as well, only self-preservation-kun was already dead.
From behind, two black silk-gloved arms wrapped around my chest. A chill ran down my spine as flashes of my winter training at Fort Drum entered my head. But I hardly cared about that as I felt two large soft orbs press into my back, they felt fuckin amazing!
So, there was something even Haruno was afraid of…
The Devil I signed a contract with, whispered into my ear, like the devious seductress she was.
"Fu-ha-ha-ha~, my, what an interesting life you're living~. Was that Haruno-chan just now? Are the two of you on a date Hikigaya-kun~?"
The Demon Lord slid around to my side capturing my arm in hers. With her hair down she was wearing an elegant long black formal dress that made her look like a villainous.
"What an unexpected pleasure it is to see you Maou-san." I lied with a shit-eating grin. "Actually I AM here on a date with Haruno-san. So, I should really go after her, if you'll excuse me Maou-san…"
I tried to pull myself away from her, but with a predatory smile, the Demon Lord clung onto my arm with a vice-like grip and pulled me closer to her.
Scary!
"Oh~, I'm sure Haruno-chan wouldn't mind if I borrowed you for a dance Hikigaya-kun~. OH-oh-oh-oh~!"
Are you serious? That first time I heard a real rich woman go OH-oh-oh-oh~…
With no choice in the matter, I dragged was back to the dance floor by the Demon Lord.
'There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself~'
'There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself~'
'There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself~'
'No, there is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself~'
'Never wanted to dance with nobody~, not you~'
('Do-do-do~, do-do-do~, do-do-do~, do-do do-do~')
'Never wanted to dance with nobody~, but you~'
('Do-do-do~, do-do-do~, do-do-do~, do-do do-do~')
'Never wanted to dance with nobody but you wouldn't take no for an answer, you fucking bitch~'
'Be nice~, be nice to me~ don't let me be~'
'Be nice~, be nice to me~ don't let me go~, don't let me go~'
'I'm too cool for the second~'
'Grade~ I'm amazed~, I'm afraid~'
'I'm too cool for the second~'
'Grade~ there is nothing~ you can do~'
'That I have not already done to myself~'
'Hey~!'
Um, hey distraction-chan this really doesn't help Hachi-kun when he's faced with Demon Lord you knooooow~. Dancing with a very attractive yet terrifying woman was already distracting enough. And there was no telling what kind of curveball the Demon Lord would throw at me. Sadly distraction-chan ignored me and the song play out till the music shifted to a slower, more romantic number.
'Hey~, a casual affair~ That could go anywhere~ And only for tonight~'
'Take any moment~, any time~ A lover on the left~ A sinner on the right~'
'Just lay~ in the atmosphere~ A casual~ affair~'
('Hush-hush, stand there and don't you say a word')
'Lay~ in the atmosphere~ A casual~ affair~'
Whoa! That's so not cool distraction-chan!
Oi! There's no way in hell I'll go down the 'Maou Noriko route' only madness laid that way Kyon! Besides, unlike my lovely fiancé, the Demon Lord is not a desperate onee-san!
Wait…, could I be in danger?
I'm currently slow-dancing with a very powerful and greedy woman who has no moral compass inside of a hotel ballroom…
"Did Haruno-chan dress you like this as one of her little pranks~? The uniform suits you Sergeant Hikigaya-kun~." Licking her lips and giving me a look that sent shivers down my spine, the Demon Lord leaned in and whispered. "I do love a young man in uniform~…"
Oh, fuck! I'm totally in danger right now Haruhi!
I think I may need an adult…
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a young Marine Second Lieutenant probably straight out of OCS on his first deployment. He was standing next to the dance floor near an open bar area talking to a Gunnery Sergeant.
Using the Hiki-Dancer skill, I lead the Demon Lord over to him and bumped into his back.
"Um, sorry about that." I quickly pulled away from the Demon Lord's grasp as I pretended to apologize while reading the Lieutenant's nameplate as he turned to face me.
"Well if it isn't Lieutenant Gorman."
Who the fuck are you? Are what the Lieutenant's eyes say. Honestly, the guy looked like kind of asshole which made me feel so much better about what I was about to do to him. I continued to talk in English like I was an old friend of his.
"Oh, but how rude of me, Lieutenant Gorman allow me to introduce Noriko Maou. Noriko Maou this is Lieutenant Gorman an officer and a gentleman of the United States Marine Corps."
The Demon Lord grasped the Lieutenant's hand and the young fool was stuck dumb by her beauty.
"Fu-ha-ha-ha~, how very nice to meet you Lieutenant~."
"Ahem, ma'am."
"Shall we dance Lieutenant~?"
"Y-yes, ma'am!"
As the Demon Lord pulled her new prey to the dance floor I gave the Lieutenant a farewell salute.
"Climb to fucking glory Lieutenant."
"That wasn't very nice Staff Sergeant." The Gunnery Sergeant said handing me a beer. I gratefully accepted the bottle. I really needed a drink after my narrow escape from the clutches of that Demon Lord.
"No, it wasn't Gunny. Iraq?"
"I-fuckin-raq. Afghanistan?"
"Fuckin Afghanistan."
After trading a few jokes and insults with Gunnery Sergeant Apone, I finished my beer and set out to find where Haruno had run off to.
As I passed close by the knot of JSDF officers surrounding the Minister of Defense, a female officer detached from the group and walked towards my direction. Her hair was in a tight military bun under her officer's cap and on the shoulders of her uniform were the rank insignias of a Major. Her sharp eyes looked very familiar for some reason.
Oh wait, it's just my mother…
…
Holy fucking shit Haruhi that's my mother!
Two soldiers, both with the name Hikigaya in English and kanji on their respective nameplates stared wide-eyed at each other in shock.
Too late to escape, I was already locked into the protocol that the Army drilled into me when encountering an allied officer. Automatically I came to attention and gave her a crisp salute.
She wore no unit insignias which hinted at Military Intelligence.
No, she's definitely fucking Military Intelligence Haruhi!
My mother returned my salute just as crisply, and arched an eyebrow as she noted the nine service bars on my right sleeve.
"Major."
"Staff Sergeant."
We both spoke in English.
Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, we both turned on our heels and quickly walked away from each other.
Oh Haruhi what a fucking disaster…, she was a Major in Military Intelligence. I may as well just handed her my fuckin Army Service Jacket and told her that I wasn't her son…
As much as it would upset Komachi, I may need to move out of the house now.
Fuck!
I grabbed a champagne flute from a passing waiter and downed its contents.
Feeling a bit calmer thanks to alcohol-chan, I set the empty glass on a table and continued my search for Haruno.
I found Haruno being hit on by a tall young gentleman wearing a tuxedo. She was politely rebuffing his advancements though the bastard clearly wasn't taking the hints. So I approached to stand beside her and gently put my arm around her, grabbing her waist like the lover I wasn't.
Haruno and I smile sweetly at each other with fake smiles.
What a damn farce.
"Sorry to keep you waiting Haruno, oh, and Maou Noriko-san sends her regards."
Haruno and the young man winced.
I felt like I just committed a social taboo by saying the Demon Lord's name out loud.
Whoa, you're totally like Voldemort Demon Lord!
"So who might this be Haruno?"
The asshole in the tuxedo shot me a glare that I was unimpressed with thanks to Shizuka and the Corporal.
"Why this is my date Staff Sergeant Hikigaya~, Manabu-san~!"
The arrogant-looking bastard sneered at me like I was a pace of trash.
"Surely you must be joking, you mean to tell me you're going out with him? I bet the man only has a high school education and an American one at that. Isn't that right Sergeant? You can't be serious Haruno."
This fucker. A repulsive sadistic smirk made its way onto my lips, as I made a snap decision. I probably should have warned you that I'm still an American at heart Haruno…
"Well, whether she's serious or not, that still doesn't change the nature of our relationship."
That it's fake as hell tee-hee~.
Looking right into those mischievous pretty violet eyes of hers, still grasping her by the waist I pull her closer to me and lean forward. Haruno's eyes widen in surprise as our lips touch.
Her lips were so damn soft and she tastes like strawberries.
My kiss with Haruno felt as disingenuous and artificial as the rest of this fucking anime world. At least it was until Haruno wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her lips back into mine, deepening the kiss…
'So kiss me again~ 'Cause only you can stop the stu-stu-stuttering~ Kiss me again~ And ease my su-su-suffering~'
Oi!
Are you two shooting a commercial now? What do you mean it's needed for the ad-revenue Kyon? I'm sure this has been done before, so you're just going to get sued you knooooow~. Oh, so you'll edit the song out in post huh. Well, distraction-chan does look adorable holding that light reflector board for no reason Kyon.
Wait, that's not what's important now! Just what in the Nine Corellian Hells are you thinking young lady?! Don't kiss me back I have a fiancé damn it!
Achievement unlocked: You're Cheating Already
Fuck!
Not now achievement-chan!
We broke what was supposed to be a passionless kiss with a gasp.
Apparently whatever the fuck his name was didn't appreciate the little show(?) we just put on, as he stormed away in a huff.
Haruno still had her arms thrown possessively over my neck and I hoped to Haruhi she'd let me go.
"Excuse me Haruno, I need some air."
I released my hand from her waist and thankfully she didn't try to cling to me as I pulled away from her.
While freaking out about how I just royally fucked up by numbers and possibly gained an aggressive and troublesome stalker who could totally fuck over my relationship with Shizuka, I made my way through the maze of attendees to the outdoor balcony.
Once outside I took off my service cap and ASU jacket, finding a nearby chair I dropped them off. Now appropriately out of uniform I leaned against the balcony railing while looking at the lights of the Tokyo skyline and lit a cigarette.
Unlike that bitch alcohol-chan, at least you'll never betray me nicotine-chan…
Seriously, what the fuck am I even doing Haruhi?
Hopeful Haruno kissing me back was just her way of fucking with me.
Still kissing her in the first place was a big God damn mistake especially since I have a fiancé. It could only hurt Shizuka if she found out, so why the fuck would I-…
Oh, you know exactly why, don't you Sergeant? The chained-up monster of logic whispers from the back of my mind.
Yeah, because she's fucking hot and I'm an idiot…
Don't lie to yourself, it's the same reason you keep those two girls, your 'dear little sister', and everyone else at arm's length. Isn't that right Sergeant?
Stop it.
You're a fuckin death flag and you know it. Isn't that right STAFF SERGEANT?!
SHUT THE FUCK UP GOD DAMN IT!
After that unpleasant bit of introspection that I certainly didn't need, I heard the door to the balcony open. As Haruno walked over and leaned with her back against the rail next to me, I put out my cigarette in my portable ashtray.
"Y'know that was really something you should only do with Shizuka-chan and not your onee-san Hikigaya-kun~…"
Says the young lady who kissed me back and is now giving me mixed signals…
"Yeah, sorry about that, it wasn't your first kiss or something was it?"
It sure as hell wasn't mine, did I mention how much I hate nice girls Kyon?
"Piff-Ha-Ha-Ha~! No of course it wasn't~! Don't tell me it was yours~!"
Well, that was good, though I'm willing to bet I was the first one to be stupid enough to take the initiative from Haruno.
"N-no it wasn't…, technically."
"Sooo technically it was~, Shizuka-chan would be so upset if she found out~!"
Haruno steps away from the railing and clings to my arm. Trying my best to keep a shit-eating grin from appearing on my face, I felt the softness of one of her major assets press into the fabric of my ASU shirt sleeve. It felt so fucking amazing that it almost made me crazy! Her soft shoulder-length hair brushed my cheek as she rested her head on the black and gold shoulder mark I wore.
"Affairs aren't good, you know." She said in a languid haft whisper.
"I'm not having an affair and this wasn't supposed to be a real date remember?" I said with vacant eyes staring out at the Tokyo skyline.
"So you're serious about her?"
"Well, I certainly won't fall for you if that's what you're asking Haruno. Girls like you are nothing but trouble."
"But you like troublesome onee-sans, don't you Hikigaya-kun? Otherwise, you wouldn't have asked Shizuka-chan to marry you."
"Ahem, how about we end things here? It's been kind of a long day for me Haruno."
"How boring, well thanks to that stunt you pulled your onee-san won't have to deal with that kind of thing for a while now. So I don't mind leaving y'know~."
"Alright then let's go."
After escorting Haruno to her limo car, I bid her good night and took my suit-bag back with me into the hotel. I changed into suit-kun and called a cab to take me to the station where I rode the train back to Chiba.
There's no way in hell that I was going to have a long awkward car ride back with Haruno after the clusterfuck I just went through.
So walking from Chiba station and a few cigarettes later, I finally returned to the Hikigaya household.
"I'm back."
"Welcome home onii-san~! Ack! What happened to you, onii-san?! You look like hell!"
"Remember that evil onee-san I told you about last week? Well, I ended up meeting her at the mall and she's Yukinoshita's older sister."
"Oh, so that's who that was…"
"Who what was, Komachi-chan?"
"Nothing~!"
So Komachi ended up tailing us after all. She must have inherited more stealth traits from our mother because I had no idea that she was there at all.
Scary.
"Hey, what's with the bag onii-san?"
"Oh, it's just a costume Yukinoshita-san got me when she dragged me to a party this evening."
Komachi's eyes narrowed as she spotted the lie in my words. Like hell I would ever tell my dear little sister that it was a real military uniform you knooooow~.
"Hmm~, so you went on a date with Yukinoshita-san?"
"No, it was NOT a date Komachi-chan. By the way, I ran into oka-san while she was working at said party, so you don't wait up for her since I have something I need to clear up with her."
"Okay, did you eat onii-san?"
"Yes, I got Yukinoshita-san to treat me to dinner Komachi-chan."
"Are you sure it wasn't a date onii-san~?"
"No, it wasn't."
Probably…
"Whatever you say onii-san, just make sure you take a shower."
"Great, so now he's been chain-smoking…"
Komachi mumbled something as she walked up to her room.
After hanging up the suit-bag in my closet, a quick shower, and a change of clothes, I was waiting in the living room for my 'mother' with what was basically an After Action Report about myself inside a vanilla folder. Said folder also contained other bits of useful information that any competent Intelligence Officer would love to get their hands on. That's not to say it was completely accurate, as there was no earthquake earlier this year. But that's not to say one wouldn't happen later, at least if this fucking anime world doesn't just end after my second year of high school that is. Not that, that's something I want to think about right now…
Shortly after midnight, Hikigaya Rin returned home dressed in her normal office wear.
"Welcome back."
She stares at me for a moment before nodding and moving to sit on the side sofa just across from me.
Even after what I discovered about her I still couldn't get a read on this droid of a woman…
So without a word, I handed her the file. She opens it, scans the first page then closed it.
Then we just sat there and stared at each other for an endlessly long moment.
"…"
"…"
While I had no fucking idea how it happened, we seem to have come to some sort of silent understanding…
Well, I'm certainly not going to question why this droid of a woman (probably) just accepted me into her family and home Kyon.
Although Komachi and the old man tend to forget this…, silence was golden in the Hikigaya household.
And that was something my mother and I understood very well.
Heh, one of these days I should also teach that to Glow-chan as well.
Wait.
My ahoge twitched and I felt Force.
There's no fucking way…
I snapped my head to the woman who was about to ghost up the stairs.
"Glow-chan?"
She froze in place and then turned towards me. It was the first time I saw anything resembling an emotion on that droid of a woman's face…
"Hat-chan, you're grounded."
Geh!
Yeah, in the Hikigaya household silence really was golden…
Author's Note:
Once again I tweaked the last OVA a bit, so you may want to go back and check it out if you haven't already.
Also, let me know what you think in the reviews.
Well adiós and see you next year space cowboy!