Disclaimer: 'House' is not mine, I just love to borrow without permission.
Trouble on the Horizon
"So, my dear Doctor Cuddy, what do you think of my choice?" House asked with mock solicitousness as he ushered the hospital administrator in through the door before him.
"Very nice, House," she said ironically, joining the queue. "I expected no less from you. After all, you're exactly the type of person to ask a woman out to a meal-"
"I didn't ask you out," he interrupted, scandalized at the notion. "What is this, high school? You asked me, just keep that in mind," he repeated her own words back at her.
"You made the original offer, I reminded you of it," Cuddy retorted. "Which does not translate into this all being my idea."
"How exactly would you describe all this?" he asked innocently, filling his tray as they moved up the line.
"As I was saying, this is you inviting me to a meal in the cafeteria of the hospital I run," she stated, unable to prevent her lips twitching in amusement, "How typical of you."
"Well, we couldn't go anywhere decent," House protested, running his eyes over her typically low-cut attire. "Not with you dressed like that. They might think you were looking for a john of yours, how embarrassing would that be?"
Only House would find it appropriate to make a joke about his boss selling her body for sex. "Well, I suppose you ought to know, being a great fan of the industry. So is that your usual company when you go out in public- do the few women unfortunate enough to accompany you tend to be hookers?"
"You have no idea what Cameron gets up to after hours, do you?" he said mysteriously, then lifted a hand in protest, "No, no, don't ask me anymore, I've betrayed her confidence as it is. But then it's so hard keeping secrets- after all, what's the point of knowing something about someone else if you can't enjoy the thrill of discussing their dirty secret behind their back?"
"I can't imagine that many people would trust you with their secrets, House," she said dryly. "So you can't be suffering too much. Besides, knowing the facts would limit you to the truth, and where would the fun be in that? I'm sure you much prefer to make up your own twisted little scenarios about people, just for the entertainment. Oh, and incidentally," Cuddy considered him with a flat stare, "I never did thank you for that rumor you started about me being a transsexual, you have no idea how it boosts my ego knowing they're gossiping about me in the women's toilets."
"Oh my," he spluttered in feigned shock. "That's something we have in common, listening to tittle-tattle in public restrooms! There is such an education to be had, you pick up the juiciest scandals. Besides, it's not just the women's toilets that serves as an arena to discuss your sexual scandals- as you would know if you have made any more recent forays into the men's room since the last time we were there together…" he offered in a tone dripping with innuendo.
She shook her head despairingly, "You know, most people would just sue you and have done with it."
"I'm simply trying to fulfil your expectations- it would disappoint you if I didn't put that fifty grand to good use," he said reasonably. "After all, you wouldn't have allocated good money to fighting my legal battles if you didn't expect me to rub people the wrong way. And besides, when you think about it, what would be the point of taking me to court when you'd be paying for my litigation fees?"
"I know, and I agree with you completely," she said, earning a suspicious glance from him. "So that's why I'll get a lot more satisfaction simply by doing this…" she reached the head of the lunch line and leaned forward address the café lady in a conspiratorial whisper, "He's paying," she nodded at House, and with a smirk, Lisa Cuddy slipped out with her fully piled tray, leaving him to foot the bill. She made sure it was a large one, of course, just to establish he understood the value of a dollar. There was no point her writing his cheques if he didn't appreciate the good money she paid him, was there? And besides, it gratified her no end to see the anguished expression on the misanthropic doctor's face as he reluctantly handed over the money.
He rejoined her at the table outside with a sarcastic laugh, "Oh, that was clever. Very good, you got me. But you have no idea what forces you have meddled with, the other kids are going to hear about this…"
"So you run to your team when the big, bad world gets revenge on you?" she said mockingly. "Is that why you hired Foreman- for someone to act as your brawn?"
House studied her tray, pointedly redirecting their conversation, "I said to eat something, I didn't say pile on the pounds. People are going to start talking about the size of your backside again."
"I'm crushed," she said with a straight face. "My self-esteem has been obliterated and I will never be able to gaze upon myself in the mirror again-"
"You mean you can stand to now?" he said with a double-take. "Well, they do say that big is beautiful…"
Cuddy continued sweetly, "-but it doesn't detract from the fact that you just had to shell out money to pay for our meal. That's a victory I intend to savor for a while.
House sighed heavily. "All that wiliness and barbed wit wrapped up in one neat package. Too bad you were busy when the family was handing out attractiveness- if you had only lucked out in the gene pool, we could have been perfect together…" She raised a brow, not caring less about what House thought of her appearance. With a shrug, he upped that ante, raising his voice deliberately as he said, "Oh, wait, we tried that once before and it didn't work. All your insecurity and neediness could have been a turn-on, but I wanted someone just a little less clingy and a bit more adventurous in bed-"
"House!" she seethed. At his look of innocent perplexity, she appeased her impulsive need for childish revenge and stretched her leg out under the table, toeing his cane with the tip of her foot, sending it crashing to the floor.
"Oh, come on, now that is rough. Don't you feel terrible for picking on a cripple?" he adopted a wounded expression.
"Let me think about that" -she frowned in concentration- "Do you feel the slightest guilt over all the people you've insulted or harassed all these years? Or just from today, for the panic and fear you caused a mother to feel when her son disappeared during a standard consultation and I was unable to assure her that I could locate him within the hour, although I was reasonably sure he was safe with you?"
"All right, you don't need to be so preachy about it. All you had to do was say 'no'. I've never felt the least bit of remorse over my behaviour," he said. "Life's too short to put up with idiots."
She rolled her eyes and refused to debate that topic with him. Cuddy had fought more than her fair share of battles over his attitude during his tenure at her hospital, and she was not going to engage in another one during this odd meal they were sharing.
"Honestly, House, the hospital cafeteria," she shook her head. "People know us here. Or was that the point, were you trying to stir up gossip again?"
"No," he denied it at once, then gave her an impish grin. "That was a bonus. My logic was that as the dean of this grand institution, surely you would wield the kind of clout that would entitle us to a free meal or something. Of course," he looked at down at their meal sourly, "that was hardly the case."
"You are so cheap, House," she said accusingly. "I'm glad one of your devious tricks backfired on you- serves you right for imagining you could get a freebie out of a meal with me. If you're going to be continually comparing me to hookers-"
"I would never make that comparison," he murmured. "Your technique is definitely not on par with theirs."
She ignored that snide remark. "- and eyeballing the area in closest proximity to my neckline, you can certainly pay up for the pleasure of the view. No self-respecting woman should be expected to endure your company without some form of compensation. A meal doesn't come close to repaying everything you owe me, but it's a start."
"To a beautiful friendship?" he asked drolly.
"But that would be inappropriate. I'm your boss, you're my subordinate…things could get messy," she said lightly.
"All the more reason to pursue it," he reasoned. "You can't put a price on the illicit and immoral things worth having in life."
"Determining worthiness is one person's judgment call, though. Who's to say something is really worth anything at all?"
"Doctor Cuddy, you wound me," he exclaimed dramatically. "Is it possible that you are one of the few women immune to the appeal of a relationship with me? I'll have you know that women have been throwing themselves at my feet for decades now- and you dare to imply I would not be worth anything?"
"I don't doubt you are worth something, just whether it's worth enduring. All I have to do is ask Stacy what your relationship brought her. A whole lot of aggravation, crushing sarcasm and…" she trailed off at the look on his face. At the mention of his ex-partner's name, the look of gleeful delight that House had been taking from their exchange had faded away and a harder, bleaker expression replaced it.
"Well, that was low," he said in a flat tone. "Bring up the old girlfriend in order to score some points off me?"
"House," she tried a placating tone, but he was having none of it.
"And they call me a heartless bastard. Doctor Cuddy," House grabbed his cane and stood up, "Congratulations on surpassing me in a whole new standard of persecution. You've outdone me this time."
"Damn it, House," she said sharply, standing up as well.
"If you'll excuse me," he said with pointed emphasis. "I'm sure I have something important to get back to right about now."
Ignoring the fascinated gazes she was sure were being directed towards their quarrel, Cuddy stalked after the figure limping away. It wasn't too hard to catch up with him, and she raised her voice as she approached, "House! What on earth has gotten into you?" she grabbed his shoulder and jerked him to a halt, "I didn't mean anything-" Cuddy stopped right there as she caught a glimpse of his expression, and then hissed something unrepeatable under her breath.
House was grinning at her. "My dear doctor," he said smugly. "I always knew you cared about me more than you were inclined to admit."
"I do not," she emphatically refuted his claim. "To know you is to loathe you. It's an obligatory practice around here, one which you do your best to reinforce. And just to prove it, you're doing an extra five clinic hours this week." It was unethical, she knew, to punish a person with additional work just because she was furious with them- but damn it, nothing House ever did was ethical, and if she wanted to win with him, she had to revert to terms he understood. Besides, watching him squirm had just become her new favourite past time, something she intended to indulge in with regularity.
Of course, he did not look anxious at all, a sanguine look of supreme satisfaction persisting on his face. "Whatever you say, Doctor Cuddy," House assured her.
"I see. Just so you know I know," she said through clenched teeth, "No more passing various members of your team off as yourself- you do your own hours, understood?"
"Who squealed?" he demanded. "It was Chase, wasn't it?"
"My own detective work," she said smugly. "I knew it wasn't at all possible for you to be nice to patients. When I heard that the misanthrope we're all painfully familiar with had apparently won herself a fan base amongst the patients, I figured something was up."
"Cameron," he groaned. "She needs to learn to withhold herself from patients, or they'll bleed her dry. I should've just stuck with Foreman- at least he succeeded in offending a patient, unintentional as it was, because that sure aided the pretence. You didn't have a clue that it was him rather than me responsible for insulting that idiotic woman who was so sure she had cancer she wasted her time and his on useless tests."
"And you're not going to have a chance to try deceiving me again," a grim smile appeared on Cuddy's face. "If I hear about anything like this again, I will personally oversee the removal of all the tv sets in this hospital." The look that appeared on his face then was immensely rewarding.
"Wilson is so dead," he vowed. Was there no one who would help keep his underhand activities under Cuddy's radar? It defied belief that two of his sneaky tactics could be revealed and held against him in this manner.
"As you pointed out to him on one occasion, it doesn't make sense for coma patients to have access to television when they're in no state to be exercising that privilege- although you certainly have been busy on their behalf. Do the clinic hours yourself, House, or you'll find life very dull without your favourite soap to entertain you."
He studied her thoughtfully, noting the blaze of determination in her smoky blue eyes. Something had changed in her, and he wasn't at all pleased about it. But he would have to appear to accept it for now, til he found new ways to circumvent her new dictates- and not a trace of guilt afflicted him as he nodded in acquiescence.
"Good," she said decisively. Cuddy noticed the calculating gleam in his eyes, knew that this was only a temporary shift in the status quo and that she would have some work ahead of her to maintain her authority. But it had been a long time coming, and she intended on relishing it now that she had attained this victory.
"Cuddy," he stopped her as she turned to walk away. She paused, back to him, but did not face him. "You're paying next time," House told her.
Next time? she wondered, then mentally shrugged. The rules had changed…it wouldn't hurt to re-evaluate some other things as well. "We'll see about that," she said, looking over her shoulder with a challenging grin. "You still haven't proved what you're worth to me yet."
"Clinic hours in exchange for your time," he said winningly, holding out a hand to her.
Pursing her lips as she considered this startling proposition of his, Cuddy finally assented and shook his hand.