Disclaimer: Still don't own Harry Potter, This New Booty, Google, the ability to trace calls, the llama song, the Harry Potter movie music, or The Simpsons! Grrrrr…
If I forgot anything, I don't own it!
A Deadly Game of Phone Tag Five
The Final Beep
Harry was laughing manically; the plan of his vengeance upon Moldy Shorts was about to become a reality. It is called "Marvelous Idea Number Five"…
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"So, are we agreed? To stop Potter, we must join forces?"
There was a chorus of "yes" from Percy, Snape, and Malfoy.
Mold—Voldemort clapped his hands together. "Splendid," he said. "Now all we have to do is wait for the call."
"Yes, the call," said Malfoy.
The four of them stared at the three cello-phones in the middle of the circular table.
"Wait, where is your cello-phone, Weasley?" Snape asked.
"Why wont this stupid thing turn off!" screamed Ron, whacking the phone against the wall.
"Oh," said Snape. "That would explain it."
"BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY, ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE!"
"Hmmm, that's not Potter's caller id," said Voldy. "Yes?" he said as he pushed the GREEN button.
"Yes, ma'am. We're calling about the plumbing problems you've had. It turns out we're gonna have to replace the whole system."
"I think you have the wrong number," he said in a voice that evidently was meant to be kindly, but in reality, it was menacing, and rather scary.
"Nope. You're the lady that called about the overflowing toilet!"
"I am not a female person!"
"You're right! You're more like a chicken!"
"What! I am not, Potter! And yes, I know this is you! And now I shall go into a long and boring speech on how I—"
"PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"
"Fiddlesticks, he hung up," said Voldy in disappointment.
"What do we do now?" asked Malfoy.
"We wait for the next call, of course!" said Percy in a bossy voice that made Voldy glare at him.
"And what will we do when he calls?"
"Uhhh…"
"Thanks for letting me use your phone," said Harry to his next door neighbor, who he had been forced to use Chinese Water Torture on before she even let him in.
"Um, no problem," she said.
"Even though my aunt thinks you're uncivilized."
The woman's eyes began to grow and bulge as Harry took his leave.
"What is this 'Google' of which you speak, Weasley?" asked Voldemort.
"It tells you answers to everything! We can use it to find Potter!" exclaimed Percy.
"Well, what do you think, Snape?" asked Voldemort.
Snape simply looked at him with a blank stare on his face.
"What?" asked Voldemort. "Is there something in my teeth?"
"You were talking and I'm like, what the crap?"
"Um, why?"
"You said 'fiddlesticks'."
Voldemort looked angry at this. "Malfoy! Give him a hug!"
"What!" shouted Snape, snapping out of his trance.
Malfoy threw out his arms, and began running toward Snape as the FUN Song began to play. (a/n: F is for friends who do stuff together! U is for you and me! N is for anywhere at anything at all, right here with my best buddy!) He began to move in slow motion, and Snape slowly dove to the floor to avoid him.
"Slow mo is scary!" he shouted, and he crawled under the desk into a fetal position.
"So where do we find this 'Google'?" asked Voldy as Malfoy attempted to remove himself from slow motion.
"We'll need a computer, and then—what the crap!"
"What!" shouted Voldemort.
"OWLS!" yelled Percy, ducking under the table with Snape.
Malfoy ran, still in slow mo, to the table, but before he could reach it, an owl swooped down onto his head, knocking him out.
Voldemort wasn't having better luck. All of the owls began diving at him, dropping…the things they drop onto his head and face. The attack lasted for almost five minutes, but it was the worst five minutes of Voldemort's sad, pathetic life…I wish I had a camera.
Harry sniggered. He had had a camera. A web cam, in fact, hooked up so he could watch (and record) the whole thing. He checked off that item on his list and prepared for the next one.
1 hour later…
"So all we have to do next time he calls is, uh," he checked the stolen computer screen, "trace the call?"
"Yes, if that is the answer the Google gave us, we must," said Voldemort.
"How long do you think it will take?" asked Snape, who was still under the table.
"Only time will tell," said Voldy, quoting something that I'm sure came from some movie but I can't remember.
Just then, Ron apperated to the corner of the room. "Hey, Big Head!" he yelled. "I finally turned off your phone! And then Harry called…and he wants to talk to you."
Ron threw the phone at him, and Percy miraculously caught it; Ron disapperated.
"Hello?" said Percy into the phone.
"Hey Percy, guess what."
"Oh! I love guessing games! What?"
"Imperio," whispered Harry, and Percy suddenly lost all will of his own. "Now hang up the phone."
Percy hung up. He knew what he had to do…
"Did you trace the call?" asked Snape.
"No, he hung up too soon," said Voldemort. (a/n: I have no idea how he learned to do that so just go with it!)
"Where is—what are you doing, Weasley?"
Percy grabbed Voldemort's head and shoved it down into the toilet he had just conjured. He began flushing and flushing…and flushing.
"What the crap, Weasley!" shouted Snape, finally coming out from under the table.
"I must flush his head for Harry!" screamed Percy.
"Oh my GOD!" yelled Malfoy, suddenly becoming conscious. "Potter must have cursed him over the cello-phone!"
"Uh, how did you know Potter called him?" asked Snape.
Malfoy thought for a moment. "I don't know!" he exclaimed.
"Must flush for Harry!" shouted Percy, shoving Voldy's head further into the toilet. But before anyone could do anything, Percy suddenly stopped and straitened up. "What's going on?" he asked.
No one answered as Voldemort pulled his head out and blew up the toilet with his wand, his head dripping. He glared at Percy, a murderous gleam in his eyes.
"If you ever do that again, I'll kill you Weasley!" he shouted, spit flying from his mouth.
"Do what?" asked Percy.
Voldemort's eyes bulged, and he was clearly on the verge of shouting very inappropriate things at Percy when I changed the point of view to avoid changing the rating on this fanfiction.
Harry was laughing his head off. He wondered if Moldy even knew why this was happening to him! I should call and find out! He thought.
Harry picked up the cell phone and punched in Moldy's number. It rang only once before it was picked up.
"What do you want with me!" screamed Moldy.
"What do I want, Baldy? I want revenge! Nobody phone tags me! NOBODY!"
"Well apparently I did. And I am not bald! My head is just lacking hair!"
"This means you're bald, smart one. Now, I was just wondering what you thought of the inside of that toilet."
"I hate you with great intensity…"
"I know…PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!"
"We have to hurry," said Voldemort. "Tomorrow is the only chance we'll get to stop this madness."
"Why?" asked Malfoy.
"Because after tomorrow, he will be at a wizard's house and someone will force him to stop!"
"Then why don't we just wait it out?"
"Because I'm too stupid to let things work themselves out! I want to stop him myself!" (a/n: No, in Baldy's sheer anger, he did not realize that he called himself stupid.)
"Um, okay?"
"SNAPE, did you trace the call?"
"Yes, master. He's in Surry."
"Excellent…" (a/n: SIMPSONS+MR.BURNS) he hissed. "We shall go tonight, and by morning, Potter shall be finished!" (a/n: And there is the murdering scum we have all come to know and expect lots of bad things from!)
"So we're all clear? You too open the door when Baldy comes, and I hide you from the insane asylum when they track you down?" asked Harry to the two strangers that have mysteriously appeared out of no where.
"Yep."
"Can I kill him?"
"Uh, no, I have to do that…but you can poke him!"
"Whoot!" (a/n: So enters the league of weirdos…)
It was 11:59 PM, and the Dork Lord was waiting outside Number four. Harry could see him waiting, and Moldy him.
If anyone is wondering where the Dursley's have gone since the last chapter, let's just say that they are a lot more afraid of Harry and a lot more accustomed to the basement.
Okay, that wasted a whole minute. :)) AM…..oops. Note to self, don't hit the shift key unless necessary. 12:00 AM. YAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!
Voldemort swept up to the door, and knocked loudly. It swung open almost instantly.
And there stood, not Harry, not the Dursleys, but two of the League of Weirdos that have escaped the man at the happy hotel.
"Hey, look! It's Tom Riddle Jr.!" yelled one of them to the other.
"POKE HIM!" she replied.
They both thrust jabbing pokes at him for about ten minutes until one of them looked up, and saw…
"OH MY GOD! SNAPE!"
"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!"
"Hey! What did I do!" Snape shouted, seeing as he had no idea why they were attacking him. (a/n: Who ever said that the characters that I randomly inserted into the story that are mine couldn't know about the sixth book!)
As the poking people killed Snape, Harry hit himself in the face. Issues, he thought. Oh well, time for Plan B.
Moldy was getting up as Harry called another member of the League of Weirdos. She popped up out oh the ground, and Harry beckoned her over.
"I need you to scare the crap out of that guy over there, can you do it?"
"That depends, can I have chocolate?" she asked with a manic gleam in her eyes.
"As much as you want!" said Harry.
"That is freakin' awesome."
(a/n: Okay, all the places in this next part don't have any punctuation, because this girl is actually Melissa and she really talks really fast like this and doesn't breath for a while, so just live with it. A lot of this, she actually said, and has hardly been changed in any way, shape, or form. Enjoy.)
The girl walked over to Voldemort; took a deep breath, and said, "Do you like chocolate I like chocolate chocolate is good you know what else is good whipped cram is good once I licked whipped cream of the fridge and—" she stopped. The girl fell to the ground and began twitching and laughing her head off.
Moldy Shorts backed away from the crazy person, and pulled out his wand but before he could do anything, the girl jumped up and snatched it away from him.
"Poke! Poke! Poke!" she yelled, poking him with it. "You know I saw this Harry Potter thing on the internet once and it was really really really really really really really really really funny and it like killed this dude and it was all like Avada Kadavera and like—hey dude you okay I hope you are cause I wasn't supposed to kill you or anything and oh you just fell okay—" she breathed and continued to rant about pointless things as Moldy screamed.
As all this was happening, Harry strode over to the two that were killing Snape, and attempted to reason with them that even though we all wanted to kill Snape, we could not. Dumbledore would not be pleased.
"Dumbledore?" whispered one of them, freezing in the act of punching Snape's teeth out.
"What!"
"But he killed—" she was cut off by a giant hand reaching down and snatching the two up.
"No, Jo, NO! He needs to know what happens!"
"NOOOO!"
They both continued shouting, and Harry caught things like: "Killed," and "Dumbledore," but made no sense of it.
"Oh my gosh it's a cat I like cats especially the fuzzy ones my favorite kind of cat is the orange stripy ones they're more loveable I like the black cats but they're always like running away and then I have go chase them and stuff but the orange stripy ones are kind of annoying when you wake up with their tail in your mouth then you've got a hair ball and their hair never gets out of your mouth and then one time—" she went running after Mrs. Figg's cat. Poor Mr. Tibbles…
"Um, okay," said Harry. "That was weird. Uh, are you okay?" he asked Moldy Shorts.
"So many kitties…so orange and stripy…" Moldy continued to twitch on the ground, saying non sense.
Harry felt pity of Moldy, but only for a second. He conjured a head set and stuck it on the Dork Lord's head (with a permanent sticking charm on it); Baldy didn't seem to notice.
He hooked Dudley's CD player into the headset, and made it so that it could never come out and was self-repairing. (a/n: Uh, he lost me there…) Harry put a CD in with the word LLAMA written on it.
"Tell me, Moldy, have you ever heard the Llama Song?"
Moldy looked up at him; he stopped twitching. "Um, no…"
Harry grinned and turned up the volume on the player while hitting the play button.
"Here's a llama,
There's a llama,
And another little llama,
Fuzzy llama,
Funny llama,
Llama,
Llama,
Duck.
Llama, llama,
Cheesecake
Llama,
Tablet,
Brick,
Potato,
Llama,
Llama, llama,
Mushroom,
Llama,
Llama, llama,
Duck.
I was once a tree house,
I lived in a cake,
But I never saw the way the orange slayed the rake,
I was only three years dead,
But it told a tale,
And now listen little child,
To the safety rail.
Did you ever see a llama?
Kiss a llama on the llama?
Llamas, llamas,
Tastes of llamas,
Llama, llama,
Duck.
Half a llama,
Twice a llama,
Not a llama,
Farmer,
Llama,
Llama in a car,
Alarma,
Llama, llama,
Duck.
Is this how it's told now?
Is it all so old?
Is it made of lemon juice?
Doorknob,
Ankle,
Cold.
Now my song is getting thin,
I've run out of luck,
Time for me to retire now,
And become a duck!"
Moldy screamed as the CD looped and began again, and again, and again, and again…
Now where are Percy and Malfoy and the semi-conscious Snape during all this? Well Percy and Malfoy ran away when the big hand descended, and Snape is on the ground.
"Excuse me."
Harry looked around at the boy who had walked up behind him. "Can I help you?"
"Yes, have you seen three girls run through here. Two tall, brown hair, the other one kinda short, blond…" (a/n: DON'T KILL ME BECAUSE YOU ARE KINDA SHORT, LOL)
"Uh, they went that way," said Harry, pointing to the sky.
"Um, thanks," the boy said. "I'll check there…" The person ran.
It was two in the morning when Moldy began to bang his head against the side of the house. Harry watched joyfully, not noticing Snape get himself off the ground and clumsily disapperated.
Unfortunately, he forgot that Dumbledore was supposed to pick him up (for some odd reason) around that time. There was a loud crack from the end of the street; Harry looked around and spotted a tall figure with billowing robes striding towards them.
Oh, crap, thought Harry.
"What's going on here?" asked Dumbledore, his eyes sweeping over Harry with a video camera and Voldemort banging his head against the wall.
"Well Voldemort showed up with Professor Snape, Draco Malfoy, and Percy Weasley a while ago and it eventually resulted in him listening to the llama song for almost and hour and a half now," said Harry.
"But why didn't he just turn it off?"
"I never thought he would think of that!" exclaimed Harry.
"Apparently, you were right," said Dumbledore.
Moldy Shorts was still banging his head, unaware of Dumbledore's arrival.
"Don't you think you should let him go? We still must destroy the horcruxes, you surely remember?"
"Uh, yeah," said Harry. "But, uh, what about the llama song thing?"
"I said to let him go, however I did not say anything against the song of llamas," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.
(a/n: I weep!) Dumbledore raised his wand, and suddenly, all of Harry's stuff appeared next to him.
"Check if you have everything, just in case!"
Harry opened the trunk and shifted around in it; the cell phone was not there; Harry had an odd suspicion that Dumbledore know this, so he said nothing.
"Sir, where are we going?" he asked, trying to speak over Moldy, who was running around, trying to find someone to hurt.
"We are going to the Burrow," he said, trying to find off Moldy as he attempted to make the llamas stop.
Dumbledore raised his wand, and the trunk vanished. He said, "Grab my arm. I know you can apperate, but there is the issue of not having a license so, yes, here we go."
Later in the day, Mrs. Weasley threw Harry a birthday party. As he opened his presents, he thought longingly for the cell phone.
"Oh, Harry, open that one!" said Ron, pointing to a small, black box in front of him.
Harry reached toward it and looked at the card taped to it.
(a/n: OMG, last page to type!)
Have fun, Harry.
Happy birthday!
Harry was about to open the box, quite confused, when a noise cane from it. It sounded like an orchestra to Harry. It was playing a song that sounded almost magical. (a/n: Harry Potter movie music!)
Harry opened the box…and grinned evilly.
Epilogue
Unfortunately, the ending of the sixth book did happen. cries
Hermione finally found out about the cell phones and beat Harry up for abusing the power of them. (Apparently, that was the WRONG thing to do.)
And the phone call made to Harry with the anonymous not? coughcreatorcough
"Hello?"
"Yes, is this Mr. Potter?"
"Um, yeah. Who is this?"
"This would be the phone company you made your purchases from. The bill is overdue."
"Uh…PHONE TAG, YOU'RE IT!" beep.
Authors Note: Sequel coming soon, and you reviewers are awesome! Can't wait too write more!
These are the people who reviewed at least once during the posting of this story:
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You people are awesome! Posting in a couple seconds once I upload it…even though you already read it! LoL!
TwilightsCalling