A/N: So, where am I thus far in my Legendary run? Just shot Udina's annoying ass and now running around doing all the stupid side quests. Put off the final mission as much as possible because fuck it, I can.

Just Shepard Things

Summary: After the Collector attack on the SSV Normandy, Commander Shepard is brought back by Project Lazarus. However, the commander has ideas on how to get on Cerberus's nerves.

*Payback*

Tali hated Cerberus, but the young quarian had to grudgingly admit it; they certainly knew how to build a ship. The new Normandy was more spacious than the previous and had been significantly upgraded. Even better, the Mako was now gone. She didn't want to remember the time—

"Hey, Tali? Is it true that Shepard rammed a geth colossus with a Mako on Virmire?" Kasumi asked, the master thief breaking out of invisibility from nowhere. Always so excellent at catching people off guard, per the usual. Why did Shepard put up with her again?

Tali groaned into her hands.

Just the thing she didn't want to remember. It was a terrible time. Wrex being Wrex didn't help.

For whatever reason, while driving to the STG outpost set up to investigate Saren's cloning facility, Shepard had decided that no, she wouldn't use the onboard guns to take out a geth colossus like a normal person. Far too simple.

No, she thought it was a good idea to ram it into the ocean.

Seriously.

Commander Shepard slammed her foot on the gas pedal and drove straight towards the geth colossus, blissfully ignoring Tali's own terrified screams as it became apparent that the Spectre had no intention of slowing down. Wrex had encouraged Shepard to use the boost at the last minute to get the full ramming effect.

She did.

And, once again grudgingly, Tali had to admit it was pretty cool to see a giant weaponized artificial intelligence go soaring fifty feet into the ocean, plummeting to its death from the crushing pressure.

Wrex found it, in his words, hot.

Another reason why Tali wanted to forget it. The idea of her surrogate older sister and krogan uncle getting together was not a pleasant image. Besides, Shepard was smitten with someone else and while everyone suspected it was Garrus, neither of them actually came forward and said they were together.

Cue the Normandy SR-2 becoming the place for the best gossip.

"Yes," Tali breathed. "Yes she did. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, nothing," Kasumi answered innocently. "It's just I've heard a little rumor about Shep trying that stunt with the Hammerhead. And it worked. Surprisingly." Ha. Kasumi had yet to be around Shepard long enough to know that the redhead was consistently pulling off stunts like this.

Tali sighed. Why did she have to put up with this kind of insanity on a daily basis?

Oh, right. She volunteered for this crazy suicide mission herself. At least the Cerberus crewmen onboard were polite to all the non-humans. Engineer Donnelly especially was very accommodating, though if it was to be believed it was because he had a crush on her.

How would inter-species relationships even work with a quarian?

"Uh oh, is the big scary engineer thinking of something?" Kasumi leaned in closer. "I think you want a little bit of payback for those series of heart attacks Shep has put you through. Am I right?"

Tali's silent glare was enough for Kasumi to know she hit the nail on the head. That was the correct human saying, right? It was difficult to know at times and she was still young compared to the rest of the crew. Oh she missed Wrex.

"Haha!" Kasumi smirked. "So…what were you thinking of? Because I can think of something…"

"Go on." Tali wanted to know where the master thief was going.

Kasumi's grin only grew. "Well, you see…"

"SHEPARD, WAKE UP! THE FACILITY IS UNDER ATTACK!"

Shepard's red eyes flashed open in a heartbeat at the sound of Miranda's voice and she instantly reached for the hand cannon under her pillow. The firearm was always loaded in case of emergencies and the redhaired commander fired it, putting a nice sized hole in…the bathroom wall. Oh. Shit. That was going to be hard to explain in the event that Garrus came up to enjoy Shepard's body heat. Poor turian hated the cold.

Now awake, she saw that she was not in fact in a facility under attack. She was in her quarters. So why would Miranda say that?

It slowly clicked in her slightly sleep deprived mind. Son of a…

Someone decided to be a funny guy and change Shepard's alarm clock when she wasn't looking to say that instead of blasting an obnoxious alarm. Whoever it was, they were paying for that bullet hole.

Scowling, Shepard stormed over to the intercom on her desk and keyed it, rubbing her eyes and suddenly wishing she had a few more rachni to shoot. "This is a mass announcement to all crew members. Which one of you no good sons of varren reprogrammed my alarm clock so that it now screams, 'Shepard, wake up, the facility is under attack!' in Miranda's voice? Because you are paying for the hole I may or may not have put in my bathroom. I'm looking at you, Kasumi."

Really funny.

The intercom crackled for a bit and soon she heard the howling laughter from Garrus and Joker. Glad to see that her annoyance was humorous to them.

Shepard put her pistol away and heard the deactivation of a cloak behind her. "Kasumi, you're not funny."

"Wasn't actually me." Kasumi grinned. Bullshit. "I just gave someone else the idea. It was nice to be able to get a sample of that recording for it. Thank you Cerberus."

Shepard crossed her arms, unamused. "Riiiight, like I'm supposed to believe that. Try a little harder."

"No, really," Kasumi insisted. "Believe it or not, someone else thinks your driving is terrible. Which doesn't narrow it down, since we've all seen you fly the Hammerhead."

The red haired commander rolled her eyes and slid open the bathroom door to splash some cold water on her face. Screw it, she was already awake. "Who did I give a heart attack to in the Mako…?"

"Everyone?" Kasumi offered helpfully.

The thief cackled and slipped away when Shepard took a swipe at her.

A/N: I don't know about you, but I'd seriously rather walk than drive the Mako. Then again, I drive it without any care towards things like the terrain or laws of physics. Fuck the long road, I'm going over this mountain as the crow flies.

-Kagerou#0007