A/N: Yep, back again with some more Shepard things. Does anyone else have a problem with the fact that you can literally find solid objects on gas giants or is it just me?

Just Shepard Things

Summary: After the Collector attack on the SSV Normandy, Commander Shepard is brought back by Project Lazarus. However, the commander has ideas on how to get on Cerberus's nerves.

*Aggressive Negotiations*

Kasumi had told Shepard this would go so smoothly that she wouldn't even need to draw her gun. Yeah, right. The thief was wrong about that.

She was right about Hock's vault being incredibly easy to break into. For a supposed untouchable vault, it did little to deter them. A simple cut of power, DNA samples, and a nice recording of the pompous bastard's voice was all they needed to get in.

The treasures he had almost made him charming. Hock even had the exact Kassa Locust that was used to assassinate two presidents along with a perfect replica of the submachine gun. Don't even get Shepard started on Lady Liberty's head being in the vault too. He was an asshole. One with good taste but an asshole nonetheless.

Of course the minute they picked up the greybox belonging to Kasumi's old partner, Donovan Hock projected a hologram of his head the size of Liberty's. "Sorry, Kasumi. It's nothing personal, but I need what is in that greybox. And you know I'm willing to kill you for it."

Shepard rolled her eyes and shared an exasperated look with the thief. How did he not realise who the woman in black N7 armor was? It wasn't like news of Shepard's return was kept quiet; everyone had heard of her.

Muttering in annoyance under her breath, Shepard drew her handgun and fired at one of the many priceless statues. It might have been petty as all hell to go around breaking someone else's prized possessions, but she needed him to just shut the hell up.

Hock's eyes widened and his face contorted with rage upon seeing the statue shatter. "NO!"

"Have I got your attention now, asshole?" Shepard drawled, blowing the barrel of her pistol. "You can either do this the easy way and let us out, or we can kill everyone on our way. Or I can. I think I've earned some stress relief."

"Hah, that shut him up." Kasumi was grinning like a kid told to go crazy at a toy store. "So, Hock, what's it going to be? You do know who this is, don't you?"

"No…Shepard?" Fear entered Hock's voice for the first time. Shepard's brutal reputation preceded her and for good reason. She was known for getting the job done, no matter what the cost may be. "What the hell are you doing here!?"

"Just helping a friend." Shepard smirked. "You almost look surprised to see me. Or is that fear? Hard to tell."

Kasumi groaned into her fist as the Spectre began to play with her food. "Shep…"

"Let me have some fun will you? You made me wear a dress."

"You looked good too. Imagine what Garrus thought."

Shepard fought off the blush and burned her crimson glare into Hock's. "I have no quarrel with you. Let us go and you get to live. Try and stop us, and…well, you know what happens to those who piss me off."

Spoiler: they died in horrible and agonizing ways.

The back door to the vault open and in poured a pack of Eclipse mercenaries. All armed too.

Shepard sighed and plucked her Widow sniper rifle from her back. "Well…I did offer at least." This would be easy compared to dealing with Saren.

As Garrus put it, the Collectors killed her once already and all it did was piss her off.

"Is this your idea of being diplomatic?" Kasumi asked, ducking behind a statue mount.

"Nope. I call it aggressive negotiations." Shepard winked.

Back on the Normandy, Shepard poured some sort of alcoholic drink into a glass and slid it over to Garrus. The turian smirked, wincing thanks to his facial injury, and downed it. "So, I hear you were particularly brutal down there. Something about blowing up an airship and killing a multi-billionaire?"

The redhaired commander scoffed and poured her own drink, filling up Garrus's glass again. "You heard right. I gave him the option to let us walk out. Not my fault he decided to try and kill me. Never accused Hock of being smart."

The two clinked glasses and Garrus sighed wistfully. "I wish I could have been there. Seeing you in that dress definitely perked me up."

"Is that really all?" Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe I did want to have some fun shooting at someone with you," her favorite turian admitted. "It's not a fun day unless we're being given suicidal orders and knee deep in people shooting at us."

"Should I consider giving you hazard pay?"

"Well, maybe just to shut up Zaeed every time you bring him with you. Grunt seems to enjoy the carnage. Like mother, like son."

"I didn't give birth to him." Shepard scoffed.

"You say that, but Grunt has referred to you as his mother once."

"When the hell was that?"

"Ah, he was drunk," Garrus said. That explained it. Their resident krogan was funny whenever he got drunk in the Normandy's bar. Cerberus might have been a bunch of xenophobic jackasses, but they certainly knew how to make a ship. The new Normandy was more than just a frigate with experimental weapons and shielding. She was luxurious to match the pretty coat of paint slapped on her. And while the Illusive Man might be signing their paychecks, the Cerberus crew onboard was loyal to Shepard, not TIM.

"So, how brutal were you once they started shooting?" Garrus asked with a purr, the turian clinging on to the commander for body heat.

"Very. I tried negotiating first." Shepard grinned. "Albeit aggressively."

"You know how to make me swoon."

"Cool it; we're still on camera."

Garrus put his head in his hands and groaned in frustration.

A/N: Yes I named it after a prequel meme. Sue me.

-Kagerou#0007