Virginia Astley - It's Too Hot To Sleep
—The Fillyjonk's Baby Book—
March 5th
...
I am a beautiful little boy!
So full of Peace, health, and evercaring parents.
Thanks to God, my mom and dad who love me too much...
–Etta Fillyjonk–
When you were born, it was a beautiful sunny day. Your father and I, we were worried a lot, but everything went fine. We knew our lives would change for better.
We will never forget that day, hour, month, minute, year. The happiest day of our lives. A day that will be remembered forever.
That emoton of holding you for the first time, to look at you and you look back at me with eyes filled of plenty of live, a scream out the throat that said 'I want to live! Because I'm a Fillyjonk!"
May God bless you, may God enlighten you my little child.
When I was born: Moominvalley flooded once again, as Mr. Fillyjonk told so. Father is a man who enjoys travelling and likes to explore the world outside, unlike other Fillyjonks who are afraid of their own shadows. Maybe that's why mom fell in love with him. Maybe to put some sense on his head. What a stubborn Fillyjonk he was! A lovely gentleman too, who wanted to live a quiet life without any worries. Mr. Fillyjonk did not wanted a family to begin, but after Etta was born, when he looked at that little frail thing in arms, that little hand holding on his big meanie hand...
He said, 'no one will harm you. My hands look big because I am big too, like you will be one day, my son. He fell asleep, Mrs. Fillyjonk... what should I do?'
Mr. Fillyjonk had no experience with kids. He was raised as an only son, had no brothers or sisters or cousins to watch over. He had everything but the world to walk at, the thoughts of raising a family on its own were frightening. Truly frightening. All Fillyjonks fear something, even a courageous man like Mr. Fillyjonk. He wanted to move to Moominvalley, saying it's a charming place once the flood is gone. A land covered with green meadows, the sound of birds crossing the azure skies, fishes swimming on cerulean lakes and all kinds of words that felt too little to describe a wonderful place Moominvalley was. Perhaps his eyes saw too much but could not handle to explain it all.
Maybe, one day, I'll visit Moominvalley and show it to my dear children. They deserve the best.
In my family: The other Fillyjonks didn't talked much with each other, my grandmother has passed away (Rest in Peace, mom. I miss you a lot). It took a while for Mr. Fillyjonk to figure out I was not dying, but pregnant of his children. He fainted, fell like a tree's trunk after someone yells 'WOOD!' very loud. When the baby was about to be born, Mr. Fillyjonk was worried a lot. He pulled me there and here, told me to go outside to see a doctor, to stay at home sitting on a chair, walk upstairs and lay on bed, walk downstairs and lay on couch, it was quite a scene, with the mother here yelling:
'Okay, okay! Everything is okay! Everything is in control!' When a Fillyjonk loses control, oh my... better not watch.
And Etta cried and cried, but after that, he fell on a deep sleep, so quiet and peaceful. The neighbors were eager to see how a baby Fillyjonk looked like for the first time. I told them to stay away, to not disturb my little angel's sleep. I am a good caring mother, and I was brought to happy tears after see Etta's face. He was so cute! So little... Etta looked just like me when I was born.
November 15th
...
November was Mr. Fillyjonk's favorite month. Autumn came, Everything turns from green to orange hue. The ground is filled by a rainbow of leaves, and my husband would stay outside to check the colorful path of dead leaves below his feet. I never enjoyed the fall as he did. Close of winter, of terminal frost, falling icicles, never that I would expect new life to come out of this deadly season. But it did.
Oh look, it's another boy! With plenty of health. Welcome to the family...
–Votta Fillyjonk–
My parents are very fancy!
Dad bathe me and mom washed my clothes. She washes them everyday so Etta and I are pretty clean.
Yes, I have a brother, his name is Etta. We share of same crib, same bedroom, same loving parents. With a lot of sacrifice and with the Lord's guidance, they gave us a home. The wardroble broke one, two, three times in a row! Mom had to work hard to fix it.
When I was born: Mom did not expected me, but she holded me and kissed me all over and holded me with the utmost care. She thought something was wrong with me because I did not opened my eyes, it took months until I could see her, my precious mom. She's so beautiful! And my dad too. Not beautiful, handsome. You can call a man beautiful, but... I have a lot of things to learn, glad mom is here to teach them all.
April 25th
...
It rained outside. Mr. Fillyjonk went on a travel, a place called Borneo. Days, weeks and months have passed, and he did not came back home. Etta and Votta asked about their father's whereabouts all day. I'm worried the worst might have happened to Mr. Fillyjonk. He ain't here to see who just decided to be born. A girl with flaxen hair, so beautiful, so cute. God loves his children, and I love you...
–Tretta Fillyjonk–
Your dad may be not here to see you, but I am. Say hello to your mother. Hello! Oh, don't be afraid. No no no, I'll be here for you, my dear.
Tretta reminds me of mother, when she was young and full of life. She reminds me as well of a few dolls I played with.
My name is Tretta! And I want to live! I want to see my dad, I want to see the sun, I made mom smile. I too smiled...
First words
Etta: Frog, dada, dad, momma, mom, Phillip, Phillipyonk;
Votta: Banananana, dadadadad, mother, other, otter;
Tretta: Mum, yonk, yoink, momo, mommy, Moomin;
First quotes:
Etta: I don't want to look at Lady of Cold, she will freeze my eyes.
Votta: Look, the Groke is coming! He will catch you! (He said to Tretta, scaring my little Tretta).
Tretta: Dad draw a Moomin. Silly mom!
Etta's first bath: I enjoyed my first bath! I liked to splash water around while making noises. Brrrr! Brrruuum! Abuuuu!... Mom did not looked happy at all.
Votta's first tooth: A tooth grew on my mouth, and then came another, and another. I felt dizzy, but not worried after mom told me it was natural for teeth to grow. I ate a cookie and one of my tooth broke...
Tretta's first haircut: I cried a lot, I was afraid of the scissor's size, afraid that mom would cut my hair and that it would hurt, but mom comforted me. She said it didn't hurt to cut hair, that I would look pretty and that mom would never forgive herself if she hurted me.
Votta's first toy: My dad gave me a rattle. I liked it, the noise it made, its colors, red, green and blue. Mom did not liked the noise, but she felt happy knowing I was happy.
When Tretta began to crawl: I was at the kitchem, playing with the dishes, pens and wooden artifacts dad left on table. Mom told me to not play with dad's stuff. It was then that I began to crawl all over the place. In a hurry. Mom and dad and my brothers had quite a hard time trying to catch me.
Etta's first sunbath: I liked the sunlight a lot! I stood quiet, yawned a little, opened my eyes to the sun. Mom told me to not look at the sun for too long. Beautiful and huge as it is, to stare at it for too long may get one's blind. I don't want to be blind, I want to see my mom and dad all the time.
Tretta's birthday: Mom said she didn't enjoyed birthday parties because they were loud and irritating and too much disrespectful for her ears. Despite the complains, she made birthday parties for my brothers and me. She loves us a lot and wants the best for us. I ate my cake before blowing the candles, mom looked so mean and I laughed a lot because she looked mean and funny kind of mean. I gave her a piece of cake, and she went from mean to lovely. I love my mom, she is frightening at times but that's just her, and she loves her children, she does not want to get us hurt.
Etta's imaginary friend: Before Votta was born, Etta had an imaginary friend. His name was Toby. I wanted to have a dog, but mom said no. Whenever Toby sat on table, Etta told mom and dad that 'Toby' was sitting on that empty chair. Etta asked mom why Toby's dish was empty, he felt hungry and wanted to try her dinner. When Votta was born, Etta hated him, he said to his mom and dad that they gave more attention to Votta thaan they did with him. I told my little boy that Votta needed care, but that did not meant he was a substitute of Etta. I love both of them, I do.
Votta's first joke: I asked dad from where children came from, and he said... Mymble.
Tretta's first painting: I was three. Dad taught me how to paint with lilac tasselflowers. Flora's paintbrush. They grow from May to November, he said. Dad said a lot of funny things, Mom did not liked we were destroying little innocent flowers. Dad made a huge surprise and gave mom some pretty pink flowers. These are not cherry blossoms, but pink ipes. They grow on the southern hemisphere. Dad is funny, he went to a lot of places while me and my brothers and mom stay at home. Dad likes me a lot, he looks so serious and stiff but then he sees me and hugs me and cries like a child.
Why don't you close this book? Dredging up the past just brings unpleasant memories.
Well, not all of them were unplesant. Not all of them.
I yelled at my children. My own children. I'm still shaking, minutes ago and I yelled at them.
...No dinner! You ungrateful! Little! Brats!... Think it was easy to take care of you after your father left? Was it easy? Of course not! THINK IT WAS EASY TO TAKE CARE OF YOU RASCALS AFTER YOUR FATHER LEFT? WAS IT EASY? WAS IT!? OF. COURSE. NOT!...
They came out of my chest, I feeded them, dressed them, offered the best education, the best clothes, best home, best everything.
...I broke my back several times, SEVERAL TIMES, so I could give you a good life. I gave you a good home, a good education, a good meal and that's how you answer ALL this gratitude and hospitability? By disobeying your mother, breaking your mother's heart...
I did not said this. It was not me.
...Hurting your mother, making your mother cry, breaking your mother's back, your mother is disappointed with you, your mother is sad, your mother is crying, your mother is dying for you, and you do nothing but upset her and get on her nerves and your mother, your poor mother...
It was not me.
...She deserved better children. Children who do not get sick or make stupid noises while she's drinking a nice cup of tea. Children who get cold on every winter and sneeze every night and colds and sneezes and everything I never wanted to have children disobeying children that break mother heart in pieces how dare you!... HOW DARE YOU!...
IT WAS NOT ME!
It was not me. It was not me... Sob. It was not me, it was not me, it was not me...
Sob.
I must have woke them up. They complained their tummies hurt a lot. After drinking that lot of maple syrup, it's not strange they're in pain. Feeling pain... and it's my fault. I blamed the Moomins, their reckless behavior, the way they treat life as funny all the time, that life is about taking risks and doing something new, something outstanding each day, something that risks their lifes... Am I a good mother?
I just want to live a peaceful life. I want to give my children the best kind of life. I want them to live without any worries, I want them to know they have a mother who loves them. A mother who yelled at them... who said things, awful things. Called her children by names...
I can't believe I said it. It was not me who said such things. It was not me who... who drank all the maple syrup. I told them to not drink it all, but they did. They disobeyed me, my children... they're all I have, and I yelled at then. What would Mr. Fillyjonk do? Would he too yell at them?
Of course not. Mr. Filyjonk was a docile, kind man, who did not like arguing. Neither I did.
Once. Only once we had an argument. It was not anything big or important. Mr. Fillyjonk stood outside home the entire afternoon because he thought I would continue the discussion from where we left off. I could just have apologized, said something, but I did not. A cup of tea is enough to calm my nerves, I thought. It was not, no matter how sweet. I was too afraid of doing anything but think to myself, 'did we really had to argue with each other, like that? Over a broken fence, of all things'. After being married for a while, you find out that your arguments aren't about anything big or important. Just a broken fence.
I wanted to tell him it was all right. To come in and say it was a silly argument, it was okay. I'd offer a cup of tea as a sign of Peace. It was all right, we were together and we would get things done. Eventually, Mr. Fillyjonk came back and said nothing. He walked upstairs to the children's bedroom, downstairs to the kitchen, looked at me and said that he was sorry. That he would never argue in front of the kids, who little understood what we had been doing. Was there anything to understand, after all? Children are born without knowing about the world, how this works, some are lucky for being born in a normal family.
I'm not saying the Fillyjonks are normal, whenever the world seems to fall apart, well... we freak out.
one day, Mr. Fillyjonk took a walk, to catch some fresh air, and then... I never heard anything back. He never came home after that. He left a letter saying he went to Borneo again. He went, and never came back. To this day, I'm not sure if Mr. Fillyjonk is alive or not.
Well, he's alive, of course he is. Look at the pretty children we've raised together. I don't deserve to look at them. They don't deserve to look at me, to call me mother, all because I was mean and I yelled at them and they were scared and I... I lost control. I lost everything I had. Control over my children, over my life and over... I won't say everything, reading throught this baby album brought back a lot of good old memories. A piece of Tretta's hair on the first page, it does not even look old at all. Etta's little hand, Votta's little feet, a picture of Tretta taking her first steps, Tretta sitting at the front door waiting for her father to make an appearance, Etta pulling his sister's hair, the kids playing with mud on the garden and I with a maddening stare behind...
To sleep on an afternoon, how I'd like to. Whenever I felt sad, all it took was a sleep and after I woke up, I felt full refreshed. Whenever I slept with Mr. Fillyjonk, he told me about the people he met during the journeys, the plants he saw, the fruits he ate, all kinds of wonderful places beyond anyone's imagination, and I was lucky I could hear about such places before they disappear.
I asked Moomimamma to call a doctor for my children. Hope she's doing fine. I should have been the one to call a doctor, but I don't want to leave any of children alone. Not because I expect them to do something evil when I'm out, but... they're all I have. Whatever happens to them is my responsibility. Oh, I shouldn't have blamed the Moomins for any of that. I didn't meant to blame them for all that happened. I do enjoy of Moominmamma's company, of the whole Moomin family, no matter how crazy and out of this world they look and sound like.
The Moomins... Mr. Fillyjonk told me a lot about them, that surreal family who lived at Moominvalley. From all that heard, I was convinced that I would never put my feet on Moominvalley, for the sake of my children. But, that was Mr. Fillyjonk's wish, that he could settle down after traveling the whole world and live at such pleasant place as Moominvalley. And my children wanted to make new friends, what I could say? I want to offer them the best.
I am a good mother.