A/N: Hello and welcome to another installment of 'Make Miranda Question Life Choices'. Oh no. You're not off the hook yet, Miri. Suffer.

Just Shepard Things

Summary: After the Collector attack on the SSV Normandy, Commander Shepard is brought back by Project Lazarus. However, the commander has ideas on how to get on Cerberus's nerves.

*Dares*

Commander Shepard was not a woman who would ever back down from a challenge. Everyone onboard the Normandy knew that. It didn't matter what it was, Shepard always faced it head on. Mainly out of being petty and hating to lose anything, whether it be a gunfight or a simple game of cards.

Garrus made sure to tell the new Cerberus crew about the shouting match that had developed during a friendly game of poker on the old Normandy between Wrex and Shepard. From what anyone with eyes could see, neither of them had played a game without resorting to petty cheating. Yet Shepard wasn't the slightest bit intimidated by Wrex's threats to rip off her arms and use them to applaud her demise, telling him she would make an aggravated thresher maw look like a playful kitten in response.

All of that over what might have been a mere fifty credits. Pocket change, really.

Garrus and Tali, having known just how much Shepard hating losing anything, made a bet with her that she wouldn't sneak into Miranda's office and give her a rude awakening via a bucket of water. Bad mistake.

After the Council and Alliance gave her up for dead and tried to bury everything she brought up, Shepard gave zero fucks. Yes she knew she was being spiteful for the hell of it. No, she didn't care. Messing with Miranda of all people was hardly considered a challenge. What could she do that was worse than suffocating to death in space?

Besides Miranda tearing her apart at a molecular level with biotics.

Shepard laughed at the two when they came up to her with the bet. "You're seriously going to dare me, of all people? Did you not learn what happens when I get dared to do something? Who even put you up to this?"

"Jack," Tali deadpanned. Of course it would be the psychotic biotic. But hey, she hated Cerberus about as much as Shepard did, so they got along fairly well. The only one Jack flat out despised was Miranda, so anything that annoyed her or caused her embarrassment made the tattooed biotic smile with delight.

"Ah, that explains it." The redhaired commander let out a bored yawn. "Let me guess, you told Joker to watch the security cam footage in her office in advance too?"

"No, we're not that cruel. We thought he'd be too busy trying to annoy EDI." Garrus shrugged.

"Busy? He just turned her damn mute button on." Shepard rolled her eyes. "And he's putting her through a four hour loop of the most terrible trash music he can find on the extranet." A punishment fit for those who annoyed the guy who piloted them out of disasters time and time again. They should count themselves lucky he wasn't flooding their omnitools with terabytes of crappy porn instead.

Seriously Joker, what the literal fuck? Where the hell does someone piloting the most advanced ship in her class find the time to get even half of those images? Shepard was sorely tempted to ask, if only to hear the answer to an otherwise forbidden question.

"Alright, what's the catch? Do I have to make it out before Miri attempts to rip me apart with biotics?" Shepard yawned again and wished she was back in bed getting some sleep instead of just messing with her XO. The redhead did find it funny, make no mistake, but it was late at night. Miranda waking up to anyone throwing cold water her in the middle of the night would probably end with the Normandy being torn in two.

Shepard was so not losing another damn ship, let alone to something this childish.

"Oh no. No catch here." Garrus grinned. "So, will you do it?" The bucket of water in his hands was offered to her and the commander made up her mind.

"Oh please. Let me show you how it's done."

"Hey, Rupert, something tastes different about tonight's meal," one of the Cerberus crew in the mess hall remarked from his table. "It seems like you put in more food and less ass." That brought a chuckle from everyone nearby.

The chef rolled his eyes and grinned himself. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up."

Everyone in the vicinity went quiet as they heard an angry roar and watched as Shepard came racing out of Miranda's office not even two seconds later, laughing like a maniac. "Ahahaha! That was so fucking worth it!"

Rupert opened his mouth to ask why the commander was running as fast as she could towards the elevator when out of the XO's office came a furious and soaking wet Miranda.

The normally clean executive officer was now dripping wet, and that damn catsuit she wore all the time did not help matters. Rupert could hear quite a few wolf whistles, male and female, and Miranda's biotics cloaked every inch of her body as she glared at the crew for admiring her assets.

"What the fuck!?" she shrieked. "Get over here, Shepard!"

"Hey, Miranda, you should probably put on something that isn't a catsuit. Unless you enjoy the wet pussy jokes, then by all means," Joker offered helpfully.

Miranda growled angrily and saw the elevator doors close shut, Shepard grinning the entire time before she escaped. "You little…" The Cerberus officer stomped back into her office to not track water all over the ship during her witch hunt for the commander, and once the office doors slid shut everyone winced at the sound of a chair being flung into the wall.

Rupert pinched his brow and grumbled. "Goddammit Shepard…"

It didn't even take twenty seconds before the video footage spread to everyone onboard. Nor did it take long for the entire Normandy to roar with laughter.

Miranda came forth from her office in a new black catsuit and ignored the snickers as she went to hunt down the commander.

Shepard was going to get it.

"Pay up." Kenneth Donnelly smirked and held out his hand. Gabriella Daniels groaned and slapped five hundred credits into his hand with an irritated grumble, glaring at a cackling Jack.

"Oh do shut up." She flipped off the tattooed biotic and folded her arms. "Should have known better than to doubt Shepard…"

"Aye, that you should've." Kenneth grinned. He won his five hundred credits back. He was already out of pocket for foolishly challenging Shepard to a game of poker.

New lesson for everyone (but mainly Gabby): don't ever try and bet against Shepard.

And stay out of Miranda's way for the next week.

A/N: Renegade Shepard doesn't give a fuck. Besides, who didn't want to mess with Miranda in ME2? I know I definitely did. I also wanted to tap that ass, but I'm the stubborn bastard who exclusively plays FemShep so I didn't get to.

-One Winged A2