A/N: Another day, another chapter of Just Shepard Things. This one is due to something hilarious I realized playing the series that just makes no sense. So, I have to poke a little fun at it.

Just Shepard Things

Summary: After the Collector attack on the SSV Normandy, Commander Shepard is brought back by Project Lazarus. However, the commander has ideas on how to get on Cerberus's nerves.

*Don't Think About It*

Shepard stared blankly out of the cockpit and pinched her brow. "Joker, check the coordinates again, please." It was supposed to be simple. Go into a hostile star system, retrieve a valuable artifact, bring it back to let Mordin study it and see if he could get anything from it that would be useful against the Collectors. Go in, grab, and get out.

The gas giant in front of her, where the coordinates said the artifact would be, erased the thought of it being easy.

Joker sighed and checked for the fourth time. "Commander, this is...exactly where the coordinates led us."

Shepard felt herself age in real time.

"Keep your eyes open. This feels like an ambush." No, it was not paranoia. She had experience to back it up and died to ambush once already. She was in no mood to be caught by the Collectors with her pants around her ankles. "And if anything so much as takes a peek at us, make them blow up."

"With...what?"

"You tell me, Joker. It's not like we have a Thanix cannon or anything."

"Someone's grouchy..." Joker muttered.

"Yes, well, Mordin gave me some news that wasn't exactly the best..." The commander turned away with a blush. "It was, uh, unexpected to say the least. Since he is a scientist, I thought I'd stop by his office for...advice."

"Really?" Joker smirked. "Did it happen to be about Garrus?"

Shepard's cheeks grew dark red. Joker wore the most shit-eating of grins.

"I've got to hear about this. What did Mordin say?"

"I don't want to talk about it..."

Joker's grin didn't disappear and he fired a probe at the gas giant. "I don't know, but that seems like a more interesting conversation than wondering why the hell we keep finding statues and other solid objects on gas giants."

"Glad to know I'm not the only one onboard who saw that as a problem," Shepard muttered under her breath, watching the probe sail towards the orange and yellow gas planet. Seriously, what the fuck was up with that? How the hell could something solid be on a planet made out of nothing but gases? It didn't make any sense two years ago and it didn't make any sense now. It was rare that she discovered something about herself she didn't know. The redhaired woman had seen too much, been through too much.

But she discovered that she gave even less fucks than she ever thought she could.

"You know what? I'm not bothering to think about it anymore."

"What, why we keep-"

"No. I'm not going to think about Mordin telling me I can't swallow if I'm going to go after Garrus."

Joker choked.

So did the unfortunate members of the bridge crew who happened to overhear them.

...

"Artifact recovered, Commander." Their always helpful AI broke the awkward silence.

"Shut up EDI," Joker and Shepard both grumbled at the same time.

The commander sighed and walked over to the galaxy map in the CIC of the new Normandy, ignoring the snickers and grumbles of those who apparently lost a bet. Seriously? Were they betting on my sex life? Despite appearing like a cold, no-nonsense bitch, the rules and regulations weren't exactly enforced by any means. Technically, Joker violated the dress code every day. Gambling wasn't something she'd bother her crew over. Not when her team had Saturday night poker.

But this produced a headache.

Luckily, there was a solution to that onboard.

"Course set, Joker," Shepard drawled in a bored voice. "Try not to think too hard on how we got our hands on that asset; we don't want you to have an aneurysm."

The CIC roared with laughter and the pilot of the Normandy rolled his eyes.

"I'm so not paid enough for this."

A/N: Yeah, an actual conversation with Mordin was summed up to 'Don't swallow'. Poor Garrus. He'll never get to see it. And seriously, what the actual fuck is up with finding statues and other objects on gas giants? Am I the only one who has a problem with that?