A/N: This chapter contains, among other things, Akito/Hatori fluff :3 Because I can put it in there. I'm the authoress, I can make them have a shower together if I want….omg calm breaths…

Yeah, I updated this FINALLY…

too much

I'm paralyzed. This is what happens when my migraine reaches its zenith. My senses go into overload: everything, everything…my eyes see a vast, white, cracked desert which in reality is the ceiling above me, my ears hear every little sound: my respiration, the phlegm moving through my nasal passages, my saliva and blood sloshing through my skull…

It's too much. I grip the sheets and scream as scratchy threads explode against my fingers. Everything is too much! I can't even move, I'm immobilised, filled to overflowing…

blackness…

I try to open my eyes. Nothing in the world can move them.

But I can feel myself again. I've swam out of the red throbbing darkness of my skull. My migraine has dulled to a conscious thud behind my eyes. .

"Are you awake, Akito?"

Wait.

That voice.

It's

It's mine.

"I'm not awake," I whisper.

He's holding my hand. I can't see him but the hand clutching mine is small, fine-boned, soft, and – I know this – covered in pale skin. I don't need to open my eyes. If I do I'll see a horrible double vision.

"I know you don't want to see me, Akito."

Am I speaking? Or are my thoughts broadcasting out from my skull?

"Well, Hatori will be back to check on you in a few minutes."

I clamp my eyes tighter. He gets the message. He lets go and I can hear him moving away. I can hear my feet moving away from the bed. At the same time, they're also beneath these sheets.

Fuck. I don't want to open my eyes. Already I can see the mirror; that mirror, gleaming hatefully in the darkness.

I hate this. I can feel him watching me with my own black eyes. I can almost see him. Aki-two…no, Akitu. Ha.

I open my cracked lips. "Leave."

"Why?"

"Because I hate you."

"I know. But I won't go."

I lose it. "You fucking little asshole –"

"Go ahead and yell," he says, in a cold, cool voice. That doesn't sound like him. A minute ago he was all peaches and cream…I open my eyes, I have to see him.

Akitu is standing at the foot of my bed. He's smiling, still healthy, his eyes sparkle with life…but something's different.

He's shady, watchful. As I stare he hops onto the end of my bed and crouches like some white crow and studies me. His eyes seem very dark.

My fingers grip the covers tight.

"I lied about you calling me," he says suddenly. "I wanted to come. I sensed you were near…the brink."

"The brink? Of what?"

"The edge," Akitu goes on, ignoring me. "You're so very close. Teetering. I've been waiting…for such a long time…every time you fell severely ill I held my breath…but no."

"Stop it," I tell him. He's beginning to scare me, just a little. His body is so white and pure-looking but I look into those eyes and it's like looking into a pit…

"Every time," he repeats. "So many chances. But you didn't die and I couldn't…step in."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I'm clammy and cold. I want Hari.

"I told you. We are the opposite ends of a spectrum. You're sickly, dying, your mind's fucked up and you're malevolent. You're not a nice person. You've done so many horrible things…to so many people." He clucks his tongue.

"I did what I needed to do." How dare this bastard try and condone me.

"Whereas I," he goes on, "am the nicest of people…I'm healthy…my mind is clean and functioning normally…" Akitu's face twists, his china-doll features swarming.

"So why were you put here instead of me? Why?"

"I –"

"I couldn't believe it, I had to see for myself – this boy. This boy," (pointing at me) "- who abused his little cousin and locked him in a dark room, who mashed a vase into his current lover's face, who, when he found out his Ram had found love struck down his little girlfriend –"

"Shut up." I raise myself up. My fury is back; I soak in it and let it wet my mouth. "My decisions – I carried them out because I needed to! I needed to teach them! They are mine. They belong to me."

"So you take away their love?" he mocks.

I lash out, striking him across the face. "You impudent fool – they need love only me, I am here to be loved. I am God. I remind them of that fact…by removing others who try and take that love away."

"Evil," Akitu replies quietly. "You're evil, you know that?"

"See if I care."

We stare into each other's identical eyes for several white heartbeats.

Akitu's mouth curls into a wide, moist smile. "Do you want to know what I see, when I look at you…Akito?"

"..."

"I don't see a God." He hops lightly off the bed and comes to the bedside, curling one white hand around my cheek. I jerk my head away.

"I see…a raving, demented, sickly little boy, who has illusions of power, who thinks he is strong when he is actually…very, very weak."

Without warning, he punches me in the side. Wracking forks of pain spike through me and I gasp. He's strong…I double up and curse.

"Weak. Frightened. Spoiled and selfish. Clingy. Alone."

"N-no." I grab the edge of the bed, white dots leaking into my eyes. "I have…my Juunishi…"

"They hate you."

"I have them. They're mine."

"They hate you."

"We all have something." Cold sweat trickles down my back. "We have…the bond…the blood bond we share…"

"The bond they're chained by." He kneels and lays his head on the bed so he's looking at my face. I snap at him and he grins. "Ah, that's what you cling to, Akito…the Zodiac bond. Without it, you wouldn't exist."

"Fuck you –"

"Poor, sick little monster…" he strokes my cheek and I can't stop him, I can't…"You want to feel needed. You want to have purpose. You don't want…to be alone."

"Go away." I don't have the strength to fight him off. I'm sure he's ruptured my kidney.

"No. I told you, I came here because I wanted to. I want to watch you." He brushes some hair out of my eyes. "You're precious to me, Akito. You're my key. With your death, one end of the spectrum vanishes and the other comes in. I will be the next God and I will be a loving God, Akito. I can undo everything you've done…

"I want to watch you die."

Those words terrify me. It can't be true, it can't. I'm not dying…not now…wait.

"You said," I hiss, "that we balanced each other out. We can't live without each other –" Akitu's already waving this away.

"Another lie, Akito. Only one of us can exist at a time – haven't you heard that myth, that everyone has a twin in the world, and when you meet, one of you will die? Well, guess who's dying, right now?"

I sink further into the mattress.

"So precious." Akitu gives me a little kiss on the forehead and my stomach heaves. "I came here to watch you die, Akito. Because your body's finally giving up. That's the curse – you die young so that others may live. Your mind, body, and soul are rotting.

"And when you die…you die alone. Death is such a solitary creature."

"Hari…" I whisper. "Hari will be with me."

"I'm not so sure about that." Akitu gives a beautiful, soulless smile.

"I lied again about wanting to help you. I would kill you now if I could. But look at me…" he raises his white hands to the ceiling, as if imploring Heaven, "…I'm merely an essence, a phantom, a projection…

"Besides," he suddenly chirps, the dark mask falling away and the smiling, healthy boy surfacing once more, "I'm not the evil one, Akito, you are! I'm the good one. When my time comes, I shall be a loving God, and all the Juunishi will love me from the bottom of their hearts. They will want no other."

"That will never happen," I burst out, "Never! I will live, I will live, I'll never give them to you – you – you devil in an angel's mask!"

Someone coughs.

I jerk my head around. Hatori's standing in the doorway, looking clean and doctorly and unruffled except for his face. But the moment he sees me looking at him his face closes and he strides briskly to the bed.

"I'm glad you're awake. Now, please, eat something. The soup from yesterday's gone tepid, but I've ordered you another bowl. You haven't eaten anything for twenty-four hours, Akito, you have to eat something."

He's talking rapidly, clipped, like normal, totally ignoring the fact that he's seen me talking to (in his view) myself. As if nothing happened yesterday. As if I wasn't crazy.

I try to sit up, but gasp from the pain in my side. Immediately my Dragon lifts up my pajama top –a spectacular bruise is flowering bitter black. Hatori whitens.

"Akito! When did you – how – did -"

I can see what he's going to say before he says it.

"I did not do this to myself, Hatori. I…fell down."

"Fell down?"

"Yes. Earlier. I was on my way to the bathroom. Fell down. It's not important."

"You should've called me."

"Never mind." I coax his head forward and kiss it. "You're here now, Hatori. And…" I look over his shoulder, Akitu is watching me from the corner, "…you love me, don't you, Hatori. You'll stay with me forever. You promised."

"Of course I love you." He kisses me. I shoot Akitu a triumphant smirk. Conniving little bastard.

"Now let me put a bandage on that –"

"Later." I draw his head close again and start to nibble on his earlobe.

"Akito, I don't think you're in any shape to – unhh…" He shudders as I taste the cup of his ear, the pale flesh blushing pink. I know my Dragon intimately and I know the spots that make him melt.

I push him back onto the bed and climb on top, letting my hot breaths lance his skin. He in turn is sliding his hands under my shirt, careful and gentle, mindful of my bruise. We won't make love, just touch each other, reassure each other we're still there, still alive. Such a bonding like this is more intimate then any sexual act.

I look into his eyes and see, behind their clear glass, the spirit of the Dragon possessing this man's body. A sly and ancient thing, reborn again and again, woven into my lover's soul until he dies. The Dragon senses me and knows that I am God. My Dragon, besides my Rat, is the most loyal.

"I feel you," Hari murmurs below me, eyes closed as if in ecstasy, "I feel like I've known you…forever…"

"More then forever," I tell him, kissing his neck. "Always."

His thumb is massaging my hipbone and I wriggle slightly, shivering. "You're cold," he says, "Clammy."

"Then make me warm."

Hatori kicks his shoes off and pulls the covers up over us. We stay like that for a while, warm and content, looking into each other's eyes, each other's faces.

"Akito," Hatori says with soft hesitance, "Akito…who were you talking to…earlier?"

I shake my head. If I tell him he'll get all stiff and worried and distant and I don't want that to happen.

"It's only my concern."

"Who?"

I relent. "My terrible twin," I say with a bitter laugh, "that pestilent little shit who appeared to me yesterday."

"I see."

My eyebrow raises. "Aren't you going to tell me he's not there? That he's a figment on my imagination? You're probably right, but that doesn't make him less real."

"I think…it may just be a side-effect," he says, troubled. "Perhaps of your medication. Or…just stress. People see things when they're stressed."

"I'm dying, in the long term, I'm always stressed," I point out and he winces. He doesn't like me talking of death, or dying, even though he's a doctor. I tell him I'm sorry and he starts stroking my hair, which is a bit matted from my sweat; I haven't taken a bath yet. He fingers it like some precious jewellery, and his face is soft and yielding, totally open. Hatori takes my head in both his hands and runs his thumbs over my cheeks.

"Don't look at me like that," I tell him. "I don't deserve that look right now. I'm sick, I'm a terrible person, I'm all sweaty and clammy, I'm pale and my hair is –"

"I don't care. I've never cared about that." He nuzzles me. "I've seen the god in you."

"So you're saying you only like my godlike form?" I pull back.

"I think you're lovely just as you are right now."

I start to weep. I don't deserve him, I don't, I know I don't, I don't deserve this kind, gentle, quiet man, I've hurt him in more ways then one and still he tells me he loves me.

"Don't cry, Akito."

But I can't stop. Little sobs shake out, rattling my teeth and my ribs, hurting me but I can't stop. Because I have this feeling. Because one day, he will leave me.

Hatori holds me, waits until my sobs quiet into sniffles and little jerks. His shirt is wet from my tears.

"You're so fragile," he chuckles, his voice not quite steady.

"S-shut up." I wipe my nose on my sleeve.

"Like a boy of clouded glass." He traces a tear track with one finger. "Broken with one swift motion…"

"I am not broken. No one will break me." I smack his chest weakly with one fist, knowing it doesn't hurt him.

"Sleep," he tells me, and I do, I lay my head on his chest and let myself be rocked away by the booms of his heart.

---

"Why is it so dark in here, Akito?"

Because my whole world is black.

"I don't like it. It makes me scared."

Because black is the colour of my soul. You can see it shining out from my eyes and hair. Black.

"Scared…"

So the whole world must be painted black too.

I started painting his room black…

I open my eyes. I haven't had that dream for a long time.

I've fallen to Hatori's side, one of his arms is still around me. He's fallen asleep. I watch his face for a while before sitting up slowly. My bruise complains but I ignore it.

"Akitu?" I say slowly.

Silence. Good, maybe he isn't here.

It's late afternoon. Golden bars of sun slice in from around the closed curtains, already darkening as evening slowly settles in.

I hear a little sob from the corner.

I turn, dry-mouthed, and see a child.

He's sitting in the corner, slowly running one of his sandals across the floor. He's clothed in a little robe of pearl grey, the same colour of his hair. I recognise that hair, that sheen, the way it curves in to cup the child's cheeks…

"Yuki?"

He looks up, cheeks gleaming in the twilight.

It is him. I close my eyes and count to ten, then open them again. He's still sitting there, with those wide grey eyes, looking at me.

"Akito?" he says uncertainly.

This can't be. Not only would Yuki ever come to the Main House voluntarily, but he's about fifteen years old now. What I see is the six-year-old version of him, fingering one small sandal.

No. No, no. Not another one…

"I'm scared," he says plaintively, tentatively. "Akito…it's getting dark, I'm scared."

"Go away," I tell him. That little voice makes me cringe for some reason and I put my hands over my ears. "You're not real. You're a figment of my imagination."

Now he looks like he's going to cry. Oh Kami.

"B-but I'm supposed to be w-with you…Mama said…she l-left me…" He sniffles.

"Where did you come from?" My eyes are drawn toward the mirror, its calm surface.

"M-mama left me."

I climb out of bed, staggering woozily as bloodrush hits me, and settle on my knees a few feet from him. He looks so real, just like Akitu. I stretch out my hand and he flinches. I rest my hand on his cheek, cold and smooth as ivory. The soft skin dimples.

"So real," I breathe.

Now he just looks perplexed. "I am real."

My eyes trail down to the sandal in his hand. "What are you doing?"

"Playing," he explains. He runs it across the floor again. "This is my boat. I'm sailing it across the ocean."

"I see."

"It's so dark in here," he repeats.

"I like the dark."

"Why?"

I shrug. "It's –"

the colour of my soul

"- comforting."

Little Yuki watches me for a while, and it pains me, seeing those velvety grey eyes so large and childish. I played with him, when I was younger, long ago. Well, I used to. Then I started abusing him, because it made me feel powerful…

"What are we going to play now?" he asks, as if reading my thoughts. "I'm your playmate, mama says. Your special friend. Because I'm the Rat. And –" he runs his sandal across the floor again, "- the Rat is closest to God, everyone says."

"You are. You're very special."

I put my face in my hands. It's got to be a bad sign if I start accepting these illusions. I know this is not the real Yuki. It's not. It's not.

From out of nowhere, I start shivering. It feels so cold. I touch my face. Cold, sweaty.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"What?"

Now the shakes are starting again. To my surprise, I feel remorse. I do love Yuki, truly, and now that I look back on it, his life is just going to get worse from now on…

"I'm sorry…"

Little Yuki stops his play and crouches beside me, reaching out with one starfish-splayed hand to touch my face. "Akito…"

"I love you," I tell him. I have to say it, now, or he'll hate me forever. "I don't mean…I didn't mean to…I just…love you. I know you'll hurt…because of me…"

Yuki nods, and raises his robe so I can see the lash-marks on his legs.

"It'll get worse," I say, "but I was so wrapped up in despair…you were the only one there…I'm sorry…" I stop talking because I'm not making sense, I'm talking to a shadow that's not even here.

"You can see that?" he asks. "How?"

"I'm God." I smile. "I'm prophetic."

Little Yuki accepts this. He'll accept anything you tell him, he's so sweet and naïve. And yet he looks me so deeply, like he can see through my clothes and into my bare bones, it's such a naked look.

"You're sick," he says quietly, wonderingly. "There's a darkness, a rottenness in you…I can see that. Wrapped around and around. Your sickness. Your curse. I didn't know you were cursed too, Akito."

I giggle quietly. "It's a special curse." What a cute little Rat he is.

"I'm cold. Are you cold?"

"Yes."

His eyes stray to the bed. I tug my yukata back onto my shoulders, and reach for him. He comes to me like a puppy, reassured by my passivity. I feel his small arms encircle my neck, his warm, live weight in my arms.

He's bony, under his robe. No wonder he barely weighs anything at all.

I carry him to the bed and let him clamber on it, kicking his other sandal off and wrapping himself in the sheets. He peers over at Hari's sleeping form. "Who's that?"

"Hatori."

"No it isn't. Hatori's not a man. You have a man in your bed."

"Live with it," I say grumpily. "And make room."

Cowed, he obliges. I slip back into covers and lay back down. Strange days. Strange nights.

Little Yuki is sitting up, looking at me with those twilit grey eyes. Giving me that naked look again. I blink.

"What?"

"I can see something else."

"Oh, can you."

"Yes. It's a secret something."

"So tell me."

His bangs brush my face as he leans forward to whisper in my ear. I can't make out anything from his loud, hot childish whispers.

"What?"

"I see a part of you…really, really deep inside…that's completely free of sickness."

Then he flops beside me like some baby seal and wriggles until he's comfortable. Pretty soon he's asleep.

I'm glad. I don't want him to see my tears.

---

A/N: Ok, so that was…odd. If any of it didn't make sense, I don't really care. Oh, but about Hari's comment about seeing 'the god in you' is from my Drifting Away fic, where I made Akito capable of transforming into his god-self. Meaning, 'God' is not just his title, he actually IS...well, can become…the Zodiac God. It's inherited power. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense – go read Drifting Away then, and review please because I love that fic so much! XD

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far!