Thank you.
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we're made to heal…
"When did they start?"
He was so calm about something which consumed so much of her life.
When had they started? She had no idea, sometime between losing her step father and brother. Or maybe it was earlier. She wasn't quiet sure. Maybe they had always been a part of her just well hidden beneath her glossy exterior.
"I don't know. I just remember having them, and then they stopped."
He nodded, as though he understood her from the few sessions she had attended.
"And what do you think Derek has to do with these?"
Derek? Derek was her life, or at least he had been. They shared everything, and then one day they stopped. Maybe it wasn't so sudden, maybe that was only how she chose to recall her situation.
"And why do you think you stopped talking?"
He pried, it was supposed to help, right? Did it always hurt this much when it was right?
"A lot happened, we got promoted, we bought a bigger house, and we lost a child."
A simple list of why marriages fall apart.
"You lost a child?"
She nodded but that was a long time ago. She and Derek were different people back then. Maybe that was the problem.
"I don't think I'm ready to talk about this."
"Talking is the only way you can get past this. Until you acknowledge why you and Derek began to drift apart you can't expect to reconnect."
He paused a moment, hoping for a response, she was sure wasn't going to come.
"We'll continue this some other time, your session is just about up;" he stopped though obviously not finished with his train of thought. It was apparent he was choosing his words wisely, "I don't want this to be a one time referral from your marriage councilor. I want to keep seeing you Addison; we all need someone to talk to when we feel alone. You can schedule your next appointment with my secretary."
She wasn't supposed to be alone. She had Derek. Maybe he wasn't enough. Maybe that's what had changed. Maybe that's why she had needed to destroy everything.
She nodded, gathering her things quickly. People who didn't have anyone to talk to did irrational things but she was a rational person. Was there really anything to worry about?
She stopped at the desk on her way. She had believed she was a rational person. But that was before Derek had left.
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An emergency surgery over with a four hour break before her next shift started. She sat in the on call room, sleep unwilling to come no matter how badly she needed it.
Would the pain be worth it? If she and Derek could find each other then would revealing all her secrets be an acceptable offer?
If it meant happiness. But could anyone promise her that? Sometimes she thought it would simply be better to be sad. Her perfect persona never in question. Maybe it wasn't better, only easier.
"I thought you'd be asleep."
She hadn't even heard the door open.
"I can't sleep."
"Are you feeling ok?"
His voice was heavy, was she a burden?
She didn't respond. And he didn't ask again, she supposed it was apparent from her disheveled state.
"How was the session?"
Where was she supposed to start?
"We talked about Kaelyn."
What were the odds?
They stood in silence for a moment before her sobs broke it. And she couldn't stop herself had she wanted to. There were tears falling freely and she felt Derek's arms unsurely wrap around her. He knew it was what she needed. She hoped it was what he needed too.
Their baby girl would have been 6 today. She hoped he knew that. She hoped the Derek she loved still loved her.
She was afraid he'd leave and she'd never stop needing him. What would she do then?
She woke up to her alarm. Four hours and Derek were both gone.
i depend on you
for the wings of life
and the air that you move
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Our Lady Peace
More angst? Sorry, I tried not to but it's hard.
And to my reviewers (aka my heroes), this was not the response I expected but I am thankful, more than you could ever imagine. I'll leave you all with this thought:
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy--they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." --Marcel Proust